SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. A year ago (Dec. 2015) I discovered a text message from another female on my husband's phone. I confronted him very calmly and he broke down crying, apologizing and explained everything to me. He said he had been texting another woman for a couple months, that it was nothing serious, that he met her at the gas station and it was all just fun and flirting. I was crushed because the message I saw said "I miss you" and then to find out they had exchanged several "I miss you's" was the hardest part for me. I gave him an ultimatum that he either give me the phone or I leave. He ended up breaking the phone that night. I felt we should go to counseling and all kinds of things, but nothing ever happened. This was a first for us and I guess I just wanted it to be over too. He did really well for a couple months...initiating more affection, being accountable, etc., but that slowly drifted away. At this point I'll mention that on DDay #1 I was 28 weeks pregnant with our 5th baby, so highly emotional in general.

This whole past year has been kind of a blur really. I'm a SAHM and I homeschool. I never thought my husband would have an EA and then adding our 5th baby to this situation felt very overwhelming. In hindsight, I realize why. There have been many red flags and suspicious things over the past year. As time went on my intuition kicked into high gear and I began asking if he was cheating. He would always deny. To make a long story short, our world started to fall apart. At home he started getting depressed and always looking like on the verge of tears. He was texting me asking me to pray for me and begging for help. In my crazy world I was convinced it was because he was failing at doing the things he needed to do to earn my trust back as that had become a constant argument - him not being accountable the way he promised he would be. We started talking separation, but when I said that was like a trial divorce he said he didn't want that then. Then Dec. 7th, 2016 my gut told me to check his email as he had never disclosed the password and I got in and my world fell out. The same girl from literally one year ago was on the other end of the emails talking about being "with child". Because of all our talks over the past year I knew I HAD to kick him out. We had had many conversations about him never cheating on me again, and yet, here I was finding out it never stopped and that the whole first DDay #1 confession was a LIE! And it turned physical and this broad was now pregnant - most likely with my husband's baby! Mind you, at this point our 5th baby is just now 9 months old.

So now, here we are 6 weeks later and this has not gone AT ALL how I envisioned it. He has not begged to come back home or even hinted at wanting to. Yet, before I found out he always said he never wanted a divorce. Now, he has mentioned it plenty of times. The day I found out, I told his mom as his dad cheated on her multiple times and she is a godly woman and I wanted her to know. She was devastated, however has since turned on me. I called the OW the next day to explain that we have been together for 13 yrs, married almost 10, and have 5 kids together. She said he said he was single with no kids but everyone at work was telling her otherwise so yeah, whatever. She is only 22. My husband is 38. I talked to her like she was my best friend and she told me things I wish I hadn't of asked but, oh well. At the time I didn't make it clear I was fighting for my marriage because I wasn't sure I wanted to. I told her it wasn't her fault. I now regret that too because apparently, she is a complete homewrecker as their affair has only flourished since DDay #2. Now, I'm struggling. I feel like I had to kick him out, but sometimes I have regrets because all that has done is given them free access to each other. She lives 2 hours away and he is spending so much of our money on gas to go see her. I was watching him like a hawk this past year so their encounters were limited and he had only managed to go to her apt. 2 times. Well, now they've had tons of sex! They were only talking through email as he couldn't text (remember Dday #1), well, now they text nonstop. 2900 text msgs in one month! It disgusts me, and I'm wondering what the hell she is thinking her future looks like even if we do divorce! Hello, 5 kids over here my husband will have to pay for and have every other weekend! Seriously.

So here I am. I've read A TON and I still feel lost. Everyone says don't separate. Well, already am. My husband is literally living out of his car which really means part time, as he is obviously at her place when he doesn't have to work. Everyone talks about the 180, well, I'm a SAHM with 5 kids 10 and under. My husband doesn't have his own place so he has to come here to see the kids. I always just go to my room. I don't pretend we are married at all when he is here. I can't just leave because my baby is nursing so yea, I could for a couple hours but really? I can't separate finances as we share a joint checking acct and all the money comes from him! I did take him off our savings right after finding out. I already contacted the OW and she could obviously care less as she desperately wants my husband and foolishly can't see our kids will always be in the picture whether we work it out or not so she has some issues obviously. I want to put the kids in school cuz I am drowning but everyone keeps telling me not to make any more huge changes for them right now so I haven't. This is the first time my husband hasn't lived at home so they have gone from a very full-time dad to barely seeing him. I just don't know what to do. Anything 180 like puts my children's lives in major upheaval again. Me getting a job, putting them in school....all huge changes as I've always been a SAHM and we have always homeschooled. I can't set up visitation with my husband when he doesn't have his own place and I can't just take off when I have a baby to nurse. I just feel stuck. We text a lot and he is very lost. I get the whole cake eating, fence sitting concept, but I have this feeling if I file for divorce he might agree and I don't want a divorce. I haven't seen religion brought up a lot on this site, but as a Christian my marriage is very serious to me. I go back and forth between letting this run its course and yes, that means I'm Plan B, to filing for divorce as those seem to be my only options. Emotionally I just don't feel prepared to file for divorce but I'm tired of living in this limbo hell. He tries to convince me he barely sees her or talks to her, but I'm like a PI and obviously I've called him out on that bs. He hasn't filed for divorce. He admits he sees no future with her and based on what I know and the emails I read, I believe that, so what the hell is he doing? I'm beginning to believe that while it didn't start as one, it may have turned into an exit affair. I don't even know if that makes sense as he has admitted he thought he could have both of us and he didn't think I would find out. Well, now I have and all he talks about is splitting up as "I deserve better." I don't know what to do. I hear you all saying the quicker you follow through the better but does that mean my only option is to file for divorce? That kills me because if he doesn't snap out of it, I'm the reason we split up. If I let it run its course I'm sure he will eventually come home. Willard Harley says it can take 2 years to let an affair run its course! I just don't know what to do. If I don't file, yes I have access to all the money and things are stable, but knowing he essentially has a girlfriend while I sit home and keep our family running is killing me. I guess I'm just looking for concrete advice. When you all say to tell them you are getting out of infidelity and they can come along if they'd like, what does that mean? Me getting out of infidelity would have to be a divorce because there's nothing else I could do (see above). I've thought about taking him to a MC just to see what he has to say and at that point saying, "her or me...pick or we need to divorce" but I don't know. Please help. And sorry for the novel.

I wanted to add, in the beginning I followed the advice of "tough love" by saying I love him and wanted our marriage to work, but only want him back if he wants to. Then when my anger strikes I text him things like, "I'm the prize" and "the ball's in my court." I'm a mess obviously.

I also want to point out that when he is here with the kids he does everything he normally does. Baths, cooks dinner (doesn't usually eat though), plays with them all day, does the dishes, changes the laundry. Seriously, someone please explain why he would do all these things and say I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but not wanna come home.

I would take a hard line and kick him to the curb. Another child, lying for over a year.

I would be 100% done. I know it must seem extremely daunting to have 5 kids and no dad, but you would be wasting years of your life and he will still have to pay HER child support if that is his child. This will create even more conflict beyond the cheating.

File for divorce. Talk to a lawyer and get a friend or relative to come support you.

Because he gets to enjoy all the family life while having a girlfriend too.

You must end this. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. If you have joint accounts. Go to the Bank and move some funds to a new account of your own so you can pay the lawyer. I would do this before he takes all the funds out to start paying for his new baby. You can't get the money back once he SPENDS it.

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 6:22 PM, January 20th (Friday)]

I'm SO sorry for you and your family! I feel the pain in your words. I really have no significant advice to give you - I just want you to know you've been heard. Others will be here soon, more experienced members that have been here for a while. I will pray for you and your family. I wish you as much peace as you can find now that you are on this awful journey. {{HUGS}}

He does those things, because he gets to come home and play happy family, and he has the benefit of having a girlfriend.

You need to put an end to this. You need to file for divorce. Once he realizes that you're not going to sit back and allow him to have a girlfriend, and share your husband with this other woman, he will either wake up out of his "fog" so to speak, or he won't. Either way you will be better off.

You need to file for divorce, and child support immediately. If this other woman is pregnant with his child, and she files first, then she will get more child-support than you will. She will get a big amount, and then you will come along and file later for your five children ...you will get maybe a little bit more than what she will, but when you divide it up amongst five kids, it'll be less than what she is getting for her one. And paying child support for five children, is not something he's going to want to do. Right now he's in fantasyland. You need to come along and give him a big slap of reality. File for divorce, file for child support, and he will either wake up or not.

He can file for visitation....but he's going to have to find a suitable place to have that visitation with his children. And your home is not it. That he doesn't have a place to stay, it is not your problem. The judge won't order visitation in his car.

Since this girl is so young..contact her parents. Tell them who you are, who your husband is, about your five kids,and that you recently discovered the affair. If her parents are decent people they will kick her ass. My guess is they have told them that he's divorced. You need to shine a big spotlight on the affair.

^^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^

Please listen to the good advice given regarding filing for child support. You have to protect yourself and your children. You are their first line of defense against their fathers betrayal.

Take care of yourself, STD testing immediately, therapy for you and your children. You mentioned being Christian, perhaps your church will help you as you navigate through the healing process. Take care of your finances, have child support garnished from his wages as he spends his money on traveling to see her.

So sorry you have had to join us.

1. File for child support now.

2. Tell her parents - I have a 22 year old daughter and would slap her senseless if she came home with a 38 year old man and helped him wreck his family.

Please remember one thing. YOU did nothing to deserve this. It was all his actions... not yours.

Protect yourself. Protect your kids.

Please go to the yellow box and read the Healing Library and on the top of this forum is the Tactical Primer.... read and then read some more.

Get screened for STDS.

You need to see an attorney and file for child support. You have to protect your children. Put your bitch boots on and start kicking.

He is in his own little world and you are the enemy. He is treating you and his children with such disrespect. Please stand up for your kids.

I know it's hard. It is heartbreaking to realize the man you married, the man you love, the father of your children has turn into a stranger.

I am so sorry.

Please keep reading and keep posting.

((DividedInside))

Well, he's right about one thing... you DO deserve better. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

And you've been given good advice. See an attorney, file for child support. First come, first served. So since your WH has apparently knocked up the OW, if she beats you to the punch, she'll be taking child support from YOUR children's mouths.

Cowgirl up. This guy doesn't respect you. So even if he does come back home, he'll cheat on you again and again until you've taught him respect.

See an attorney, or several, and get your best options. Kick this guy off the fence. YOU are nobody's Plan B.

(And don't pay any more attention to Willard Harley. I bought into his whole "unmet needs" bag o' crap 12 years ago when my fWH was involved in online affairs. He ended up getting into PAs 10 years later. It's not about the marriage. It's about deficits in the cheater's character.)

Divided...there's been a lot of great advice so I'm not going to repeat but can I speak to your faith a bit?

I'm a mom of 4 under 8 and am 7mths from dday. My husband and I were in a place of ministry and my whole world was smashed to pieces. I found peace in God, I raged at him, I lost him and found him again. There are practical things you need to do that others have suggested but you also need to know that you are going to be OK. It's going to be ok. My trust in God was sorely tested and I'd love to say I am now firm in my belief that all things work together for good but I still falter. At the bottom of it all...God has you in his hands. He has your babies in his hands. There is grace and protection there.

This is not the end of you - you are not defined by your M or your husband. You are a child of God and deeply loved and valued.

Praying for you sister...how connected are you with your local church? Let them help...it's what the body of Christ is for.

Oh and lastly, I too home schooled my kiddos but when we had to transition out of ministry; I put them in school. It was a very difficult decision but they seem to be doing well. Remember, you need to look after yourself - so hard as a mom of 5 but you need to do what you need to do free of guilt. You need to be healthy for your babies

I know you want to keep it together for the kids, but, you have to face the truth. It's going to come out. Be ready fotbit

I agree with the above posts...also since you are a Christian, I assume your husband claims to be also?

Are you part of a local church?

If so, the leadership needs to be made aware so as to hold him accountable in that regard too.

Does he have parents and/or siblings in his life?

Perhaps some of them can be made aware of his actions and apply pressure too.

But you MUST see a lawyer about child support or YOUR KIDS will get the shaft!

DividedInside,

I'm so sorry. He is to blame for this. I am not an expert on how to handle WH, but your story is similar to my first DDay 12 years ago. AP was not pregnant, though. She was 24. WH was 39. I had 3 kids all under 5 with the youngest just 1 1/2 when I found out. WH never admitted to a PA, (though he did have one I later found out) and we did a lot of rug sweeping. Well, THAT was the wrong thing to do, obviously, because now, 12 yrs later, I am dealing with this again. This was a PA and lots of money was spent. So, listen to the ones who have experience here, and make the moves that they suggest.

I didn't have this site to help me 12 years ago, and I wish I had.

I know what it feels like to be a SAHM with everything to lose and little ones to worry about.

Hang in there and keep posting. hugs.

Thank you to everyone that has responded. I know I need to file for child support before her, but am seriously afraid to file for divorce right now. Are you all advocating just filing for support or filing for divorce? I'll be honest. I fear both because if I just file for support that might piss him off and then I'll be worse off financially as right now I have access to all the money.

Secondly, I've thought about contacting her mom cuz I'm sure the lies are quite large between my husband and the OW but what on earth do I say? We obviously aren't reconciling at this point so me contacting her while he is visibly running from me makes me look crazy, I feel.

To others who asked: I have contacted my church but it's huge (2000 plus people) and my WH agreed weeks ago to meet with our pastor. Then we didn't as my husband waited until hours before we were to meet with him to ask if it was the day and I told him he waited til the last minute so I wasn't dragging the kids there! (church is an hour away)

His mom and sister know so that means his whole family probably does but they are 12 hours away in another state. They have no clue what's going on and I have no clue what he's telling them. The dynamics between my WH and his mom have always been dysfunctional. He is a huge mama's boy and I feel she has used this to "gain" access back to him that she didn't have while we were married and they have gone from barely talking to texting nonstop. She was very much on my side at first, but now I have a feeling she would be pro divorce and mask it like, "Let her go. It's for the best." or something like that.

I'm listening to what everyone says. This whole thing is such a mind game and well, mind games aren't my thing.

I feel like this is a lose-lose situation regardless. I know it sounds so foolish but I still love him. Coparenting for the next 17 years..and five kids!...just sounds so incredibly daunting! And if he continues down this unstable path, the thought of my children being alone with him on weekends kills me. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons. Someone on here says picture the worst thing and the worst for them is sharing their spouse with someone else. I kinda laugh out loud at that because at this point I'm tempted to share my spouse before I share my children. And yes, that makes me sound like a lunatic.

Oh goodness...I just messaged her mom on facebook. I should have formulated what I was going to write before I just dove head first but oh well. I'm sure hell will break loose between my husband and I now.

Please make sure you are safe.

You are not responsible for hiding the facts of their affair from anyone. Many here say that exposing the affair may cause it to fizzle out as there is no exciting secret anymore.

At the very least you need to file for CS ASAP. Remember that if you file for divorce you are able to slow or stop the process if you decide to reconcile. Please contact an attorney to give you some insight into your situation.

Ok since the fire is lit with dear old mom, I highly suggest you go to the bank first thing in the morning and move some cash to a new personal account at a different bank, just to be sure you have access, and get to a lawyer ASAP, they will guide you through the correct process for protecting your children, and you.

Also, if you can find the identity of the OW, ask your lawyer about getting an RO to keep her away from your kids, permanently if possible.

If I don't file, yes I have access to all the money and things are stable, but knowing he essentially has a girlfriend while I sit home and keep our family running is killing me. I guess I'm just looking for concrete advice.

You have one of the better people who've ever posted here as far as understanding your situation. I agree your assessment 100%. And above is the crux of it.

I think most advice given, even my own, is based on the predictability of cheating. It seems you've read quite a bit, and I know how difficult it must have been as a single mother, educating your children, with essentially no support from your husband except the finances. Even having to comfort him for most of the past year.

I think first of all you should try to stop feeling pressure to do anything right now. You can keep going the way you are for the moment.

I think you should hope for the best and plan for the worst. I think you have some time to prepare yourself for the future.

You mention a lose-lose situation. Unfortunately, sometimes events occur that are lose-lose. Things happen to us, accidents, health issues, that we have little control over. Your situation with your husband has been a lose-lose. Maybe in the distant future it will all be for the best. Time will tell.

So I think you should stay put for the moment, and make a plan. Prepare for your future and your children. You had a plan before this, your husband would work, you would stay home and educate the kids. Due to any number of unfortunate events, that plan may have been damaged. It turns out infidelity has happened, and your previous plan for the future is not going to work. So you need another plan.

I think the first thing you need to do is to get a consultation with an attorney. To see what are the rights and obligations of you and your husband regarding the other woman and your husband's other child. Find out what you should do now to maximize your future. Consider if you have to keep track of your husband's expenditures related to the other woman? If you should be tracking his time vs. your time in the house and with the kids? Should you start doing something for preparing for the workforce? What will your husband's rights with your kids be regarding the other woman and the other woman's kid(s)? Prepare that your husband can't walk away, so is committed to that child forever. Your children are going to know at some point that they have a sibling with another mother. This isn't going to ever go away, let that sink in, go through your stages of grief and get to acceptance. Maybe you need help with a counselor. Maybe you have someone who can support you emotionally and yet help you remove emotion to get the best outcome for you and your children.

I think the affair will end. Maybe in two years or less. I think the other woman will meet another guy in a gas station or a convenience store or wherever sooner or later. But your husband still will be connected to the other woman forever through their child.

What I am thinking is to register the kids in school next year. I think this time of year is to register. You can check what is required and when and prepare. In the meantime, prepare for the workforce now while you don't have to do anything yet but prepare. Then step-by-step put together a plan that will work, the best plan that you can. Keep in mind that many times I've seen, you can get a better divorce settlement while the cheater is still all deep into the affair.

I think everything will stay the same for awhile, so why make your life harder than it has to be. The problem is as you've said it is killing you. That is partly an outlook, an expectation, a hope or wish, that I think you should try to accept very well might not happen. You can be separated in your mind. You don't see him that much now.

I think it's find to tell other woman's mother. I think it's good that all parties know the truth. I think you have to be realistic, the other woman wants the future that you wanted, a happy family happily ever after, and the other woman's wife probably is going to want that for her daughter, and your husband's mother is going to want that for her son. I think if they are smart they are going to want you to be happy, too, and your children. Just one big happy combined family, that's what everyone else might want.

In the I Can Relate section there is a thread on infidelity with other children (OC). It says, "This ICR thread is only for BS's or madhatters whose partner's infidelity has resulted in a pregnancy or potential pregnancy and/or an OC situation." So maybe you can take a look in there.

You need to file for divorce, and child support immediately. If this other woman is pregnant with his child, and she files first, then she will get more child-support than you will. She will get a big amount, and then you will come along and file later for your five children ...you will get maybe a little bit more than what she will, but when you divide it up amongst five kids, it'll be less than what she is getting for her one. And paying child support for five children, is not something he's going to want to do. Right now he's in fantasyland. You need to come along and give him a big slap of reality. File for divorce, file for child support, and he will either wake up or not.

What a terrible situation you are in. Here's a hug for you ((((DividedInside))))

The above advice is solid. I will venture that your faith doesn't demand you stay married to an adulterer.

YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE HE ABANDONS THEM FOR THIS OTHER WOMAN'S CHILD.

You have to dig deep and get into your mama bear mode and FILE FOR DIVORCE and SPOUSAL SUPPORT and CHILD SUPPORT

Filing for divorce is important as a first step for you putting your life back together. It doesn't mean you will divorce in the end, but what it does mean is that you have a jump on the homewrecker who is on the verge of imploding your life in ways you can't even imagine. FILE NOW and get orders in place before her baby is born. She can go home to her mommy and get support there instead of extracting money from YOUR FAMILY.

This has NOTHING to do with you wanting to figure out how to fix your marriage, get your WH to come back to you or anything. It's about protecting your children from his antics.

FILE NOW.