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My BW and I are living in the same house. I am very grateful for the extra time with her and my children. I am finding it hard to show my gratefulness/thanks that I feel toward my BW for allowing me to stay here....something I am fully aware I did not deserve.

It has been made clear to me that there is no physical contact, not allowed to tell her I love her, and no gifts from me. I understand that these are all meaningless gestures to her. Things I used to say and do with her while cheating on her. She is absolutely justified in setting these boundaries with me. I have no issue with them whatsoever.

I feel a little helpless/limited in my ability to show her that she is important to me and that I do care and love my BW. I have read where other BS talk about how important touch and getting told that they are loved are in their healing. Since these love languages are off-limits, I am asking for other ideas on how I could show my BW how important she is to me and that I do love her?

Just for information...I have read the 5 love languages book. I have identified my major love language. I believe I have identified her major love language. I have asked her to take the test to confirm. She has said no.

Thanks for any ideas that may get here. I do appreciate it.

I'm so sorry "HurtingEveryone". I know it must be very hard to feel so helpless to not be able to show her love or help her to heal. It sounds like she's not ready for that step yet. How long ago was the A? How bad was it?

My BS and I were discussing situations like this the other day. The pain and devastation that the BS endures from the affair can be overwhelming. She's hurt, angry, sad, and probably feels rejected or "less than" right now. If she can't get the A out of her head then I can see how any attempt to be loving to her would feel impossible.

I don't know your story and details. I'm glad she's letting you live at home too, but why is she doing that? You said you have kids... is she simply allowing it to save the kids the pain of separation?

Unfortunately, R can't happen if she doesn't "want" it to happen. And right now maybe she can't. Maybe it's too fresh. Maybe it's too much.

My advice to you? Keep your chin up, and keep trying. Work on yourself in the meantime, and make sure she knows you are working on yourself. If you are on SI or reading a book, do it in front of her. Be a great dad. Make the bed for her, do the dishes, fix the clogged toilet. Anything she asks of you, do it without complaint. And every now and then, remind her that you are sorry, that you are working hard to understand her burden and the damage you've done, and that you want to be there for her and reconcile when she's ready. And be patient. It might take a while.

If you haven't read "How to help your spouse recover from your affair" then I recommend that. It will help you understand things from her perspective. And keep posting on SI. There are some amazing people here who can help suggest new things to try, or new tips to cope. I hope that she'll eventually be able to forgive you enough to come around to trying again.

Good morning and sorry to hear , but I do find reaching out to others helps . I am the WS as I have been having what I called a sexual affair for several years . My complicationsm has been my afraid have been only with men. So obviously this adds yet another layer to the complications of it all. When my bs found out as she saw a text on my phone months before Dday., she finally confronted me. I do have an apartment I stay in because work is far from home and I always came home for three or four nights per week. The apartment or not being there really wasn't the reason i strayed . That being said o am working super hard as need to resolve my sexuality first which I always felts I was straight but always sexual. My bs has been amazing , we talk and do things like always . When I come home I do sleep in spare bedroom, but I think we are getting close to me on the same bed with no touch or contact . My only advice is this , you must go through IC and fully get yourself the help before any kind of real reconciliation can begin to work out . Patience is the biggest thing as the bs is severely wounded as we betrayed trust which is ultimately earned .

HurtingEveryone,

BS here to give you the best advice I can.

I recommend you read as has been suggested here, and to work on yourself so you can help her. If you can get your BS to read, it might help her become more understanding (not less hurt). Not Just Friends helped my WS and I to talk, to calm down, and to not make any decisions until we were less emotional.

You should definitely read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. My WS is still coming out of the fog but those books definitely helped him understand what he did and the impact it has on me and others in our family.

For the BS, just looking at their WS is hurtful. It is a reminder that they have been violated and worse, there are movies that run in our heads picturing our WS with the AP. It's not fun and it doesn't stop.

Your BW needs time to process. I cannot stress enough the value of talking together if possible. For now she may only be able to journal her thoughts - please encourage her to do so. She needs to get out the devastating pain of your activities in some way so she can start to face you and others and talk.

I told my WS that my life was spent all day at work faking normalcy only to have to come home and face the nightmare by walking in the house and seeing him. It reminded me daily of the indignity of it all, and of the lack of security that I now faced. But even then I could not allow myself to fall apart because I had to put on a good face for the kids. It's insidious.

She needs to see you remorseful - and truly understanding of the effects of your deeds. She also needs help healing and for that please reach out and help her get into IC. This forum for me was too much to absorb at first. I would read about how long it took to heal and be devastated all over again. Everyone is different and it might help her right away.

My WS and I started having VERY deep conversations within a week of DD and it really helped. While I was incredibly hurt, we needed to have a relationship so we could manage the kids appropriately (in my case they knew of the A because he got caught in the house). We needed to show our children how to manage relationships in a mature way, to help them heal and to give them the best opportunity for their future.

And thus, we became much closer and got reminded of the very reason we were a couple to begin in the first place. We became closer than ever in our 20+ year relationship and that gave us hope.

For now we are together and we are working hard on R. It is not easy. It is painful for me and for him. But for the sake of our kids, we owe it to them and to each other to be civil and to figure out if we can salvage our relationship and be compassionate and kind.

I hope your BW can find a glimmer of hope in the devastation so the two of you can come together for the kids and ultimately for each other. It definitely feels better than not talking to each other at all.

Much luck to you and especially your BW and kids.

@DaddyDom

Thanks for the reply and the validation. I do appreciate it.

How long ago was the A? How bad was it?

Our last DDay was 18 months ago. It was bad enough to completely crush my BW's soul. Seeing the absolute anguish on her face made me see who I had become. And I was nowhere near close to who I wanted to be. I am an SA in recovery. Needless to say, the details of what I did before being found out and getting help absolutely devastated her. You can see why the thought of physical contact with me would make her skin crawl. Absolutely can't blame her.

I'm glad she's letting you live at home too, but why is she doing that? You said you have kids... is she simply allowing it to save the kids the pain of separation?

First and foremost, for our kids. That is the number one reason by far I think. Second, to avoid being publicly humiliated and gossiped about by friends and family due to my selfish and disgusting behavior. Third, is this is all my fault and the absolute minimum I can do is to take on more around the house and with the kids and give her as much time as possible to heal. Fourth, I think is to be able to watch me and my actions to judge if I am serious about real change before even contemplating any movement toward R.

My advice to you? Keep your chin up, and keep trying. Work on yourself in the meantime, and make sure she knows you are working on yourself. If you are on SI or reading a book, do it in front of her. Be a great dad. Make the bed for her, do the dishes, fix the clogged toilet. Anything she asks of you, do it without complaint. And every now and then, remind her that you are sorry, that you are working hard to understand her burden and the damage you've done, and that you want to be there for her and reconcile when she's ready. And be patient. It might take a while.

All good advice. Thanks. I would probably apologize more often than every now and then in my case. I apologize almost everyday. I rarely miss a day anymore. It has kind of been like a Step 10 for me, except I am reflecting on my wrongs in our relationship every day and apologizing.

In all honesty, I am still working through truly understanding the burden and shame I have put upon her. You can look at my previous posts to see what I mean. I am finally legitimately trying to use SI as a resource and sharing forum after a lot of hesitation and excuses.

It is hard to be patient. It is hard to not give in to my urge to try and control the outcome and, by extension, control/manipulate the people in my life. Especially my BW. I am getting better at this, ever so slowly. The better I get at it though, the better I truly feel inside. Control issues were one of the major reasons for my SA.

I am now a pretty good father I think. Definitely much more present with my children and in my effort to just enjoy them. I love them very much. I love my BW very much. I have no doubt they have saved my life. Without all of them in my life everyday, the shame would have killed me. Absolutely. I have no doubt. Not being melodramatic or trying to get people to feel sorry for me. This is my truth.

I don't advertise to her what I am doing in my recovery. I tell her at the start of every week what I plan to work on. She can read my posts on SI. I have told her everything else is open to her and she can ask questions if she needs.

I have read "How to help your spouse heal..." a couple of times. I don't think I was in a place to be able to understand everything that the book offered. I am going to read it again soon.

I hope that she'll eventually be able to forgive you enough to come around to trying again.

I hope so too. Thank you. I really miss her.

all good advice above.

I would add re love languages just do all of them anyway. Now if she has said no to certain things then don't do them of course, but a gift can be a cup of coffee.

Simple little things.

Look at all the love languages and do them all. Quite a high probability that her Love languages won't be yours.

But just demonstrate love as best and as consistently as you can without any thought of her responding.

You've crushed her trust in you and it's going to take a lot of consistent love messages to help her heal.

Can you ask her to join you in reading "How to Help Heal your Spouse Heal..." as you read it out loud to her. You can read one section at a time. Pick a time to read every week. This may give an opportunity to discuss her pain and how your actions affected her during, and after your affair that may not otherwise occur. It can be a catalyst for discussion that may be too difficult for either of you to bring up. She needs to process and it sounds like she is too uncomfortable processing with you at this point. Another book to read together out loud is by the same author is "Who Will You Become?"

If she says no, let her know when you will be reading it and invite her to sit with you when you do it. Tell her she doesn't have to say anything, but to just listen to you read it. You can't imagine how difficult it is to want to be able to process with your spouse, but your spouse has been or continues to be defensive. BSs are extremely sensitive to any defensiveness AT ALL.

Also, you can say "I Love You" without actually saying those words. I am sure she has asked you to do things to help her heal. Show consistency in your work, IC, reading, journaling, allowing her to process with you and loving gestures. Don't get distracted. Do them everyday. Apologies are not just saying "sorry". They need to be specific and not about how awful you feel about what you did. They need to be about how she feels about what you did.

There needs to be a past, present and future in your apologies.

Just my 2cents.

@Goalie

Thanks for your post. I have been in IC for 18 months or so. I had to take a pretty extensive test to get branded as SA. I am on my second CSAT in that time.

The main issue is that I don't trust relationships. This is what came out of the extensive testing. Pretty much means that I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone. Makes for a pretty crappy husband for my BW, even if I had never cheated.

Before IC and doing all this work, I never showed myself to anyone, believed I had to act a certain way for people to like me. Never allowed myself to express my feelings. Pretty much never allowed myself to get too close, including to my wife. This is all still a struggle. I have to consciously make efforts to do talk and share my feelings and thoughts. But I do honestly feel the rewards of those efforts in terms of feeling less hidden and more whole. I am able to connect with my children much better than before.

I am really sorry you and your wife have to go through this. I really don't have much to offer, just wanted to say that I do feel for you and your wife. These must be awkward, confusing, heart wrenching, painful times for both of you. I am sorry.

Thank you for your post , life is such a journey that truly cannot be scripted . I am not a professional so hard for me to ever offer advice to anyone but at least you are seeking help and there is no calendar when true healing is at a place where full R can happen. I continue to see improvements in myself and my bs has been amazing to me . We are spending more time doing the things we always had done but it feels way different which is a good thing . I read a tremendous amount outside of Ic and I find it helps a lot . Especially as I try to reconcile my sexuality and without trying to let lablels put me in a place . I have read soooooo much about many men who have sex with men but are not gay and even to a large degree not bisexual . There is a Kinsey spectrum of sexuality which I have been studying a lot . Feeling better knowing this will happen in what we time is needed but being honest and true is the ultimate goal . Good luck nothing is easy and sure the amount of crying has been crazy but over that part mostly

Thank you for this post this is close for me, in the middle of my last physical affair I was "working on my marriage" and started to do more to help around the house. But when the the affair was found out doing those things carry no weight to make her feel loved.

@ISurvivedSoFar

Thank you for taking time out of your day to post. I appreciate it.

For the BS, just looking at their WS is hurtful. It is a reminder that they have been violated and worse, there are movies that run in our heads picturing our WS with the AP. It's not fun and it doesn't stop.

My BW has told me almost these exact words...that she can barely stand to even look at me, let alone talk to me. I have done tremendous damage to her and to my family. That sentence says everything in so few words.

Your BW needs time to process. I cannot stress enough the value of talking together if possible. For now she may only be able to journal her thoughts - please encourage her to do so. She needs to get out the devastating pain of your activities in some way so she can start to face you and others and talk.

We don't talk face to face about my cheating. Our discussions around my cheating are through email and texting.

I don't know how she gets her soul crushing pain of what I have done out. She does not share that with me.

As far as I know, which is nothing, she suffers alone. I hope she does journal, but have no idea if this is the case. I recently shamed her about not seeking IC or posting on SI in an email. Not a very proud or compassionate moment for me. SI helped set me straight and I have apologized to her. Please see my recent posts if you want to read it yourself.

I told my WS that my life was spent all day at work faking normalcy only to have to come home and face the nightmare by walking in the house and seeing him. It reminded me daily of the indignity of it all, and of the lack of security that I now faced. But even then I could not allow myself to fall apart because I had to put on a good face for the kids. It's insidious.

This is exactly how I imagine my BW to feel. Faking it all day with friends, family, coworkers for the sake of our kids, save them and her from being shamed by my assholery. I know she is exhausted. And it probably feels like it will never end and yet she battles everyday. She is doing her best to get by. I have no doubt. She is a hero, although I have made her feel anything but like one. And she would likely give anything just to feel truly normal again. I am sorry.

She needs to see you remorseful - and truly understanding of the effects of your deeds. She also needs help healing and for that please reach out and help her get into IC. This forum for me was too much to absorb at first. I would read about how long it took to heal and be devastated all over again. Everyone is different and it might help her right away.

I believe I am remorseful. I want to be better and NEVER hurt her or anyone else like this again. I want to be safe for her. My biggest regret is that I was never safe for her, even before cheating...even when she truly believed I was safe...even when I thought I was truly safe.

How do you help someone get into IC? How do you do it as the WS and not come across as doing it for yourself or putting pressure on BS? I would support her 110% and would do whatever work her IC asked of me for her sake with no questions. I know I would. I want her to feel better, more than I want myself to feel better. That is why I tell her that I would not fight her on anything she decides she needs to do to heal...including D or S.

My WS and I started having VERY deep conversations within a week of DD and it really helped.

Because I am an idiot and never believed when I was implored to tell her everything, I TT'd over several months. When I finally told everything, she was done with trying to have conversations with me. I was a lying, cheating bastard and listening to me talk was both excruciatingly painful and a waste of time because she couldn't possibly believe anything coming out of my mouth.

I ruined any chance of helping our relationship by having conversations like this early after our last DDay.

Thanks for your post. It was helpful. Your description of your pretending for the sake fot he kids really hit home. Thank you for your well wishes....we all need it.

I also wish you and your family the best in your journey toward R. Thanks again.

@toasted22

My BW has explicitly said no to gift giving and physical touch.

I assume that since she can't believe a word that comes out of my mouth, words of affirmation is meaningless to her. I will admit that I probably don't do this one nearly enough considering how I have devastated her self-esteem. So that is probably my answer, I could try more words of affirmation. I will be honest and say this is difficult for me because I imagine in my own mind that she is rolling her eyes to whatever nice words I may write her or say to her....that my words are just words. But I guess if it is difficult, then that is a sign that maybe I should be doing more of it.

I feel I have worked hard (since the last DDay) at showing my love through acts of service (especially with the kids and around the house) and have made it very clear to her that time with my family comes first...before my job, before my recovery work...because you don't realise how precious time with your wife and kids is until you realise you pissed it all away.

When I read 5 Love Languages, I believed her primary love language is quality time. Like any person, she touches on any of the 5 though. I don't really know what her primary love language is though. I think I have two that are pretty close...words of affirmation and physical touch.

But just demonstrate love as best and as consistently as you can without any thought of her responding.

For the first year or so after last DDay, I was looking for her to respond. I don't anymore.

Thanks for your post.

Funny, I was just looking back to see how you were doing. I'm sorry you are still feeling badly. I guess I'm worried about you.

While I'm not there to tell, it sounds like you have you have your head on straight (now anyway) and that you are making an honest and open effort to help her recover. I cannot begin to tell you how much I hope that happens for you both. Since she forgave you after the first A, that says to me that she likely loves you very much, and was at one time willing to try and make it work. Now... I'm not so sure.

I'm sorry if these are painful questions, but I guess that's why we are here, so...

What are your thoughts on what happens from here? It sounds to me like right now she's probably staying with you for the kids. Or maybe to save face, I'm not sure. But since she's not talking to you at all (which is one of the most painful experiences I know of next to an affair) it's possible that reconciling is something that isn't going to happen. If that's the case, then.. what's the next step for you? Would it be any kinder to let her go so she can stop hemorrhaging emotionally (by seeing you every day for example, and reliving the pain) and allow her to heal, and maybe move on and find someone new? Same for you?

Or do you still have hope? Are there any glimpses of a possible reconciliation in those emails and texts? Have you both agreed to stick it out for the kids for now maybe?

Again, I'm sorry it is so hard. For both of you.

Good morning read your posts this morning and thought I would say something as i go through the process as well. My BS on the outside has been more than amazing to me, communicating daily (or at minimum answering me daily), not showing any real mean angry feelings to me. I stay in my apartment alone during the week, go home on the weekend. Last night she came to my apartment because we went to an event together and where there as a couple and certainly to everyone there we were genuinely a happy couple together, even took pictures together where are arms were around each other waists. Earlier in the night, we had a pretty deep conversation, I asked her how she was doing and she said, sort of OK, which was good, yes ups and downs, but overall pretty OK. The bigger issue of the betrayal is she wants to understand why I did it only with men. I am working very hard on that and it really is coming into focus for me and I have begun telling her why. Not sure she comprehends that yet, but it is out there. Regardless, I have told her that I am 100% committed and will give her as much time and space as she needs. The progress I felt is that she did say she would want to join me with my IC to get into it together. That is a big step in our process. I am cautiously holding out hope that as I go through the process and she does as well, she can get to a point of forgiving (and never forgetting) me, I did tell her that i have finally forgiven myself for the horrendous damage I caused. I hope that we continue down the road of R and at some point we begin our "new" lives together. That being said, I am brutally aware it still can end in D. While I am not sure I helped you in your situation, I give you this text to help you see how it is going for someone who not only betrayed his spouse, but someone who went to a deeper more confusing place by having sexual "A" with men. Not proud, not beating myself up and ready to move on. Take care

@pennyx

Thank you for your post.

Can you ask her to join you in reading "How to Help Heal your Spouse Heal..." as you read it out loud to her. You can read one section at a time. Pick a time to read every week. This may give an opportunity to discuss her pain and how your actions affected her during, and after your affair that may not otherwise occur. It can be a catalyst for discussion that may be too difficult for either of you to bring up. She needs to process and it sounds like she is too uncomfortable processing with you at this point.

I haven't specifically offered to read "How to Help your Spouse Heal.." to her, but I have offered to real apology letters to her, journal writings. When I ask, sometimes it is no. Most times I don't get any response.

I have also written the equivalent to a very detailed timeline. Because I am that dense I did not do this from my own internal motivation for her, I did it because she told me it is something she needed me to do. I have not asked if I could read that to her. This timeline was very deep and included everything that I can remember about my fucked up thoughts and feelings at the time. I have not asked her if I can read this to her. I just emailed the writings as I completed them. I can't believe there is anything in there that she would would be able to listen to me read to her. It would be too painful and awful.

Absolutely, she is very uncomfortable processing with me at this point. She has told me these words.

If she says no, let her know when you will be reading it and invite her to sit with you when you do it. Tell her she doesn't have to say anything, but to just listen to you read it.

This is a good idea I think. I plan on reading How to Help You Spouse Heal again anyway. Might as well invite her. I am almost certain her answer will be no, but maybe she will surprise me.

You can't imagine how difficult it is to want to be able to process with your spouse, but your spouse has been or continues to be defensive. BSs are extremely sensitive to any defensiveness AT ALL.

Yes. Ruined this opportunity too with my defensiveness. This IS the hardest thing to let go. My defensiveness is my shame for what I have done to her, my family, myself. It is hard to let go of the shame. It takes a lot of time and thought and writing and the shame still doesn't completely ever go away. I defend myself because I am ashamed and I am still protecting myself. I am working on it. As I said, it takes a lot of time....and undoubtedly her patience is wearing thin.

She has no interest in processing with me. Don't know if not being defensive would have helped in this regard, but I do know that my defensiveness did not make things easier for her. I was just throwing more of my shame at her for something I did that was neither her fault nor what she asked for.

Show consistency in your work, IC, reading, journaling, allowing her to process with you and loving gestures. Don't get distracted. Do them everyday.

I believe I am pretty consistent in my work, helping around the house, with the children, IC, reading, apologies, whereabouts. I am trying my best to do what I say when I say I will do it. The only thing that she consistently asked for that I clearly know I wasn't doing for her was posting on SI. I am finally trying it and trying my best to be vulnerable with my thoughts and feelings on here and open minded about the responses. It has been good so far.

Apologies are not just saying "sorry". They need to be specific and not about how awful you feel about what you did. They need to be about how she feels about what you did.

I apologize most days via text at the end of the day. I try to be different on most days about something new that I am apologizing to her for. I have a lot to apologize for. I will admit that there are a lot of days where I repeat an apology, especially to do with my cheating and how much I have hurt her. They are almost always specific apologies.

I don't always make my apologies about how she feels about what I did. Sometimes I try to do that ("must have made you feel like X and Y"), but most days I don't. I feel like I am guessing/making assumptions about her feelings when I don't really know and this is dangerous to me. If I guess wrong about her feelings, then she will use that as proof that I don't know her at all and that I am so unempathetic and stupid that I can't even describe how my cheating has made her feel. Yes, I am probably still protecting myself here.

There needs to be a past, present and future in your apologies.

Thank you for this. I knew this. I read it somewhere in "When sorry is not enough" and your comment made me remember this and realize that I haven't been putting it to practise. I typically say sorry for the past and don't mention the present or the future.

@Goalie

I continue to see improvements in myself and my bs has been amazing to me. We are spending more time doing the things we always had done but it feels way different which is a good thing .

I am happy for you. Be grateful for every additional moment with your wife you get. Be grateful for the second chance she appears to want to give you. Keep working hard, keep working at being honest and communicating your thoughts and feelings and not hiding yourself so that you don't piss away the opportunity she is giving you like I did. Hope that doesn't sound preachy or too much like I am giving advice. I am trying to just pass along what I have learned in the past 18 months.

I hope for the best for you both. I mean that.

@Lostinthewoods12

You are welcome for the post. Some of what I have read here from other people has been helpful for me too and I want to thank everyone for posting.

I can feel your desperation to make your BS feel loved. It was very hard for me when I realized that the things I used to do that would mean so much now meant so little. I still do feel helpless to have any affect on making her feel loved whatsoever. Truly helpless and that can make me feel very frustrated.

One good thing that I have done is try to remain consistent in helping around the house, with the kids, preparing meals, and just trying to be a better partner in general even if only in the roommate sense. I know now that I am truly doing it because I want to and not seeking some sort of praise. I am doing it even though I know it will have no affect on whether my BW and I D or R. Consistently doing this has allowed me to get to a place where i have let go of the outcome and letting go of some control of the future. I am doing it to make amends and because she needs time and space to heal and all this shit still needs to get done because life does go on. I will admit it does make me feel better about myself too because I am helping her in some small way, so it isn't truly unselfish. It took awhile (probably at least a year for me) to get to this place of not trying to control the outcome (manipulate) with my gestures.

Thanks for your nice words , this journey has been hard but in some odd way rewarding . So many things happened over past several years that I simply had "blind spots" on and while my infidelity is simply inexcusable, I am coming out of it as a better man , husband and dad. I find myself enjoying my wife so much more and while we are still working on things and have a long road ahead I am happy to see our future and our new marriage , but never forget what got me and us here

@DaddyDom

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate you keeping the conversation going

I cannot begin to tell you how much I hope that happens for you both. Since she forgave you after the first A, that says to me that she likely loves you very much, and was at one time willing to try and make it work. Now... I'm not so sure.

Thank you for your hope. I am not sure if she wants to make it work. There are days when it seems like it. I treasure those days. I do miss her and those days are like a small beacon of light.

I try my best to stop hanging off every word she says as a sign of the future. Trying my best to be in the present and just let it play out. I fail at this sometimes. Too many considering how much I have hurt her. I have pressured her, shamed her, gotten defensive. It is hard not to want to exert control/manipulate my future. I freely admit this is still very much a work in progress.

I think I have told myself that she will eventually tell me to leave. I don't know if this is me trying to be realistic, part of the process of me letting go of the outcome, or yet another defense mechanism. I honestly don't know.

I'm sorry if these are painful questions, but I guess that's why we are here

Don't be sorry. It is why we are here. I find the difficult questions, the ones that are hardest to share, are generally the ones that reveal the most to myself.

What are your thoughts on what happens from here? It sounds to me like right now she's probably staying with you for the kids. Or maybe to save face, I'm not sure. But since she's not talking to you at all (which is one of the most painful experiences I know of next to an affair) it's possible that reconciling is something that isn't going to happen. If that's the case, then.. what's the next step for you?

My BW has explicitly told me she is only here for the kids and she doesn't want them or her to be embarrassed/shamed/gossiped about by our friends and family were I to leave. She has told me she feels trapped with no good options because that is exactly what I have done to her.

It is most probable that R will not happen in my eyes. It is just how I feel right now. I do miss her and it makes me sad and angry at myself for pissing my family away.

I don't know what happens from here. I try not to look to far ahead. I hope she gets to feel better eventually and I hope I am still here to witness it. I want to be home to help her heal. It is the only way I feel that I can make amends for what I have done. I am not going to volunteer to leave. She will have to request it and I will comply. I am not willing to piss away any more time than I already have with my BW or my kids.

I hope I haven't given the impression that she doesn't talk to me at all. We have conversations about our kids for the most part. Sometimes she will even talk about her feelings about other stuff outside my cheating with me. I really like that. When it comes to conversations about my cheating, it is through email or text. We don't talk face to face about the elephant in the room.

Would it be any kinder to let her go so she can stop hemorrhaging emotionally (by seeing you every day for example, and reliving the pain) and allow her to heal, and maybe move on and find someone new? Same for you?

I don't know the answer to that. I am sure there are days when she probably wants me to volunteer to leave. I also like to believe that there are days when she exhausted and likes knowing that I am there taking care of the kids and giving her some time alone. But this is only a guess. So I guess the answer to that would be yes and no. Yes in the sense that she wouldn't have to see me everyday and no in that she would likely feel that I abandoned her on top of cheating on her. This is also why I am not going to volunteer. She gets to decide how her life turns out from here. I already took enough control of her own life away from her. I am not going to take more.

This isn't to say that I not being selfish in my unwillingness to volunteer to leave either. I have come to realize that being allowed to stay in my own home with my own family while I work through all my shit has given me a lot of support and stability when I needed it most. I don't know what kind of shape I would be in had I not been allowed to see my kids everyday and sleep in my own house. I know I wouldn't feel anywhere near as good as I do right now. And I am very grateful for my BW allowing me to stay here. I don't tell her this often enough I just realized.

Or do you still have hope? Are there any glimpses of a possible reconciliation in those emails and texts? Have you both agreed to stick it out for the kids for now maybe?

I think it is very fair to say that we have both agreed to stick it out for now for the kids. I do still have some hope. Always will until the day she tells me to go. I don't know if there are glimpses of a possible reconciliation in any of our messages. Truly don't. She has told me she is so far away from R that she is reading the D and S forum.

Thanks for your post. It was helpful to process a lot about what I want. I want her back. I want to be a real friend to her. I want her to feel better and feel safe around me. I want to be vulnerable with her and show her my fears and weaknesses. I want to give her the time she needs to make a decision.

I don't want her to stay with me because she feels she has no other option. I don't want her to resent me forever and she will if she chooses this. And then I will end up resenting her and that would be very unfair because I am the one who did this.

Sorry for the length.