SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel sick.

After spending way too long doing the pick-me dance I asked my wife to start finding a new place to stay a couple of weeks ago. I felt a little better, but I was still really invested in hoping for reconciliation. When I finally acknowledged to myself that I was destroying me in hoping for R with a woman who clearly doesn't deserve it right now, I decided I was going to tell her that I still hope for R, but I need to start moving forward with a true separation.

We went to a joint counseling session yesterday (not truly MC, but that's not important) and I intended to tell her then. Well, she got to talk first and she said she wanted the same thing. I completely fell apart. I'm still falling apart, and can't make the world stop spinning. I'm trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted, I shouldn't be so upset; except it's not what I wanted, and the fact that it's what I needed isn't helping much right now.

I look at my kids and think "they're how I'll get through this..." and that thought is immediately followed up by "and you'll only get to see them 50% of the time now." And what if she moves some day and I don't get primary custody? I already have a son from my college days who I only get to see during summers and one long school vacation/year, and honestly my relationship with him is strained because of it... we get along fine, but we're not super close. I don't want that with these kids too. I would not be able to take it.

And then I'm jealous (and bitter, and pissed), because she gets to have someone to go cry to. She gets to have someone to hold her and make her feel better, and comfort her through her sadness. I have no one to hold me. I want physical contact; I want someone to put their arm around me while I cry.

This sucks so fucking much. I know there will be another side to all of this, and I'll get there; but right now I don't believe it.

I am so sorry. We have all been where you are now and we know exactly how you are feeling. Just know that you won't feel this bad forever. It is hard to accept that this is now our life. You must go through the stages of grief and that is hard when the person you are mourning for is still alive and with someone else.

Make sure you eat, sleep, exercise, and drink lots of fluids. Try to get out and not become a recluse. Do things with your children and enjoy them. Talk to an attorney and know your rights. Sending you a virtual (((HUG))).

Ahh, welcome. Sucks to be here.

One question: did you ever tell the OM's wife?

Fifty/fifty custody is very, very common these days. Sounds like your oldest lives far away.

Make sure you get a good attorney. And get your kids at least half the time.

Hugs.

I'm so sorry you are here. My head tells me this is where I need to be and divorce is right but my heart hasn't caught up yet. It's super hard.....the hardest thing to ever have to go through. But you WILL get through it. Hang in there.

It would be hard for your wife to relocate one day if you share custody 50/50. This is something you need to discuss with your attorney, since custody laws vary from state to state. You can always have a clause inserted into the agreement that they can't relocate to a different town without your consent. My child and I facetime every night when she is not with me, so I still see her everyday. Its not as bad as you are envisioning right now, its just a new normal. You still have every right to go to every extracurricular event they have whether its your day or not.

As for the lonliness and no longer having that physical/emotional comfort, that is hard at first. I felt that. With some time and distance you start to think about them less and your emotions for them start to trail away into indifference. You will eventually find someone better and feel relief that you cut the cord on that shitshow.

Major hugs to you. I was in the exact situation you are about a year ago and I want you to realize it gets so much better. It is going to suck for a while but follows the great advice on this site and you will make it.

I share kids with my WW and although what she did is horrible you can make it work for you and the kids. You can and will be a great dad for them. Always believe that when the days get tough.

Thanks all for the support. I think I will be leaning heavily on the people here for a while. For months now my life has felt like I was trying to hold onto a fistful of sand, and I was just watching all the good things (other than my children) slip through my fingers. I've felt like I had nowhere to turn, but I'mm probably going to start talking to more of my friends about this all now too. It's not like this will be some big secret when she has a new address.

Okokok - to answer your question - no, but I think I'm finally ready. My W will be out of the country next week for work, and I'm going to try to get the retainer setup with the lawyer I think I'm going with and will probably time it around then. I want to make sure I'm protected as much as possible before any shit hits the fan.

Struggling-

Yes, this sucks. Shit sandwich with no ketchup.

Everyone else has said a lot of good things. I would just add that maybe it's time, if you aren't already, to get some time in IC.

We get through this. And you will too. And we are here for you as much or as little as you want/need. You'll find that not everybody walks this thing exactly the same. But we all care about helping people through this thing and we'll ride it out with you.

I just sent the OBS a message... I couldn't stop thinking about doing it and figured I should just do it. Terrified of what might be coming from my wife, but it needed to be done.

I think I'm finally ready.

Glad to hear it. It's the right thing to do, and could really help you out in many ways, too.

Looks like there are a few of us joining this club on about the same timeline.

Saw your last post after mine went up. Really, you did a good thing. She deserves to know her reality.

Thanks... I know I needed to do it for a while, but I also needed to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I guess it took me a while to get there. I'm sure my wife will think it was motivated by revenge, but for the first time I think I can say that isn't the motivation.

Definitely not helping my anxiety right now though.

Well, I for one will be on the forum more or less all weekend. Will be very interested to hear the results if you get any and want to share.

Struggling , you tried your best with your wife. I've been there and the trying to hang on to a fistful of sand is a pretty good analogy. I would add trying to hold onto it in a hurricane.

The path to healing from this is long, but you have started in the right direction to do what's best for you long term. I would second the suggestion of seeing a good i.c person to help you through this.

I went through a large part of my situation alone, heck I still am as the countdown to divorce speeds up. Being able to talk to someone will help, if for no other reason than to let the feelings building up inside out.

Good luck and someones always here if you need to vent. The keep it no contact thread is a great spot to vent your anger at anguish without having to tell her directly. I've used it recently, it really helps

Hey all... Thanks so much for the encouraging words; it really does help.

I do have an IC, and she is definitely helping as are the depression/anxiety drugs. When I can stop and breathe for a minute and think about the calming techniques they work quite well; unfortunately I've I start to lose it they generally all go out the window and don't even cross my mind to try until I've wallowed for a while. Those moments are getting better, but I have a ways to go.

Taking the kids skiing tomorrow so I plan on having fun, and know I'm going to enjoy the day.

And then I'm jealous (and bitter, and pissed), because she gets to have someone to go cry to. She gets to have someone to hold her and make her feel better, and comfort her through her sadness. I have no one to hold me. I want physical contact; I want someone to put their arm around me while I cry.

I get hung up on this. It pisses me off so much that my husband basically traded me in and is now enjoying a new, exciting romance while I'm stuck dealing with the wreckage he left behind by myself. It's not fair. I don't particularly want a new relationship right now AT ALL, but my husband plays the "poor me, my wife didn't love me and kept me from being happy" card with the OW (I overheard a conversation about that and it was a fantastic pack of lies practically the opposite of our marriage), and they got their romantic Valentine's Day and her sympathy for him and I get... making phone calls for therapy for our son that he emotionally abused and talking to several of my STBX's friends who wanted to know if he was deathly sick or mad at them because he won't returned their texts/calls and didn't know we were divorcing (he didn't just abandon me -- he's pitching a lot of his old life).

Anyway, it infuriates me thinking of him just dropping all accountability and pretending to start over with the OW and having everything fresh and new and she doesn't know even a fraction of his secrets and bad personality traits.

However, all I felt when he moved out was relief and like a weight lifted. I didn't expect that. I started off after D-Day desperately wanting to keep the marriage. Now I almost feel sorry for the OW. And my STBX looks like crap these days, so I guess the new life/new love thing doesn't seem to be all he hoped. Meanwhile, I feel pretty good most days.

It does get better.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 7:56 AM, February 25th (Saturday)]

I had a great weekend... I appreciate the support from you all. After my WW left the house tonight to go back to her colleague's place I discovered she left a card for me. I opened it with apprehension, and yeah, a little excitement.

It started off saying she had this card for our anniversary (it was Tuesday), but she couldn't figure out what to write. She didn't want me to think she just let it go be without thought though (well, I had, and was kind of pissed that she had invited me out to dinner to mark it, decided against that less than 24hrs later, and then didn't even give me a card to say "sorry this sucks so bad." She did use this card to say that, and to add that she is just as hurt, scared, and confused as I am. I don't know... maybe, but I doubt it. She went on to say what a great father I am. She signed off with "I'm just trying to find the best path for me."

I was fine with the whole card up until that point. I do actually believe that she is really struggling with the idea of breaking up our family, but she's so confused about what it is she's looking for. I guess what's best for her is the path that tears up her children's family. The family she has been a loving part of for their whole lives. She has shattered my life, but at least she's on her best path. She is trying to tear apart another man's family; a man she has a limited and heavily edited (by him) knowledge of. I mean, I'm sure he's told her all about his shitty marriage, but I'm certain it was all his wife's fault right? She pushed him away too much. And I bet he's a great dad too.

"I need to find my best path..." Fucking-A... I know you. And unless you've lied to me for ten years, you are not going to be happy on this path. You are going to wake up one day; whether it's a month from now, six months from now, whenever, and you are going to finally know the pain that I've been in. You are going to finally feel everything that you've lost, and wonder what the hell happened. And you better hope to god that I will still be as open then to giving you an opportunity to prove yourself as I am now.

I bet she's going to be surprised as hell when I get a lawyer on retainer and send her a first draft of separation/divorce documents.

She didn't want me to think she just let it go be without thought though

Sounds like she's trying to do juuuust enough to justify her crappy actions in her own head. This way she can convince herself that she "did right by you" so she can deny the reality that she has done and is doing some really crappy things that you don't deserve. By the time she is done, in her cracked, warped reality, she will have "bent over backwards" and done "EVERYTHING SHE COULD" to save your marriage, which somehow will alleviate her brain's urge to take responsibility for her actions.

"I need to find my best path..." Fucking-A... I know you. And unless you've lied to me for ten years, you are not going to be happy on this path.

Now's the time to let her go. Stop being concerned about her. She's made her immoral bed and made her choices, let her go lay in it, with all its dubious rewards, and stop paying her any mind.

I bet she's going to be surprised as hell when I get a lawyer on retainer and send her a first draft of separation/divorce documents.

This sounds like it should have happened like yesterday. But you shouldn't do it trying to hurt her, you should do it in order to remove this toxic, unrepentant, selfish cheater from your life in order to heal in peace.

Your children will need your strength, your resolve, your moral clarity, and your steady hand guiding them through this storm. It's up to you, nobody will be as motivated to do right by them as you are. Best of luck to you in this rocky time, Struggling4747.

*edited to correct spelling*

[This message edited by Mindjob at 10:27 PM, February 26th (Sunday)]

You've had some great responses, Struggling. As Mindjob wrote, she's wanting to re-write history so that she tried so hard and, in the end, she agreed to do what was best for both of you. She's such a good person. I expect she will want to be "friends" after, too, and that will prove that you were in agreement with everything that happened.

I'm glad you reached out to the OBS. She deserves to know about the life she was living. Many BSs have feeling that all is not quite right. I know I did but not quite sure what it was. You throw everything into trying to "fix" the marriage while not even sure what's not right.

Hopefully, your message wasn't intercepted and the poor woman gets a chance at clarity.