SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear Leo (Nome de Plume),

4 years ago the beast named cancer struck our family. Your Wife was there for us all.

But we failed her. We did not see that she was standing alone, doing what needed to be done while we hid in our homes. We did not see how much she put in to keep the man who was the most amazing uncle to us all contend during his last weeks and days.

We realize that her seeking support and landing in another many arms was a blow we cannot comprehend. But we would be lying if we did not think about how much you had hurt her by letting her do it alone.

We will never forgive you choosing work over attending the funeral to support your wife. We were outraged. At us, at you. She should have divorced you. Before seeking out another man. But she did what she did.

And she regrets it forever.

But now 4 years later the beast rears its head again.

But this time it is called silicosis.

You know what Grandfather did. What the men in our family did and do.

We always knew it might come. But now it is there.

He will be dead by easter at the latest. Unless a miracle happens. But miracles are called miracles for a reason.

We will be behind your Wife 100%

She worked hard to atone for her digression and she put in her all to repair the marriage.

Now we ask you to match her efforts. Start being a Husband worthy of that title. Start to support her. Or let her go. But do not let her stand alone. Do not belittle her grief. Do not rub in the salt.

Attend the seminary for Spouses of the Mourning. Even though you are the one betrayed. She needs to see your work as well.

This letter was sent to my Husband 10 minutes ago. My 5 Siblings and I spent the better part of the day crafting plans. But I fear this letter will only hurt or R. What do you think?

It is not unreasonable, however consider the following.

Imagine your marriage as an ER patient. The patient has been gut shot (the infidelity) and several cuts on the soles of his feet (the pre-existing conditions in the marriage). Obviously the GSW is going to take first place. You have to control the bleeding and what not first, before you address the soles of the feet. That's just how it “is”.

Should you expect your spouse to support you through this? Does not sound unreasonable at all to me. Doesn't mean that's how it's going to go down though. Have you talked with him about how he handles death? He seems to avoid it – he may be ill equipped to deal with so much emotion.

I realize this is not particularly helpful, I'm sorry. I just know this is how it tends to go.

This letter makes me wanna throw up. Excuses, justifications. He didn't go to a funeral so you had an affair. Yeah, that's fair. You're not comprehending what you did.

Let HIM go.

[This message edited by sewardak at 2:48 PM, March 18th (Saturday)]

But we would be lying if we did not think about how much you had hurt her by letting her do it alone.

Nice. They just blamed him your your decision.

Start being a Husband worthy of that title.

and called him "unworthy" of you.

What do I think?

Blameshifting, re-writing history, pointing fingers at him, accusations . .

Even though you are the one betrayed. She needs to see your work as well.

Seriously?

There is no excuse for cheating. He needs to see WW do the work.

[This message edited by shiloe at 2:56 PM, March 18th (Saturday)]

Unfortunately we can only see one side of this.

We don't know if you put in the hard work to R or not.

We don't know if you atoned foe what you did.

This letter comes off as self–righteous and blame shifts.

you say it was written by your siblings. Was it? Without your knowledge or were you in collusion with it?

I don't think this will help your R, but again since neither your siblings or us here are living with you we can't pass judgement if you have put the work into your R or if you and your husband simply rugswept the affair.

My first reaction is this letter reads like a rationalization or defense of your affair.

And, it sounds like you and your 5 siblings are "ganging up" on your BS. IMO this letter will NOT help R. Instead of spending the better part of a day drafting a critical letter of your husband wouldn't your time be better spent engaging or talking with your BS to help him heal?

I suspect you will not get much sympathy from the battle tested, experienced WS and BS here with a letter like this for your BS.

That is what I think.

Your family just told him they think he's a crappy husband, and you had a hand in it. Are your siblings stepping up to the plate to help this time? Are you the sole caretaker if the dying relative? I think you should have talked to your husband, told him you were struggling with this relative's illness, and asked for his support. Yeah, this letter likely hurt your R.

Trauetweide. With your family standing against him like this and judging and pointing the finger in a hypocritical and entiteld way.

Your right. Thats hoing to hurt your way of R and sets you back a great amount of work.

If its not even destroy the chance of R completly.

Your betrayed H would only have a bigger resentment about you and your siblings day after day. He wouldn't like this kind of people called his family (in law) or wife.

Why stay married to such a terrible husband? No one loves him, no one respects him, no one even likes him. Seems like an awful lot of effort for a guy who they obviously dislike immensely.

Cheating is a unique occurrence, and it is unique to be a cheater and it is unique to be the cheatee (the betrayed). It seems fairly obvious that you have not been on that side of the fence.

I have heard about your side of the story. Is there a side to his side of the story? Or is he really just that bad?

But we failed her. We did not see that she was standing alone, doing what needed to be done while we hid in our homes. We did not see how much she put in to keep the man who was the most amazing uncle to us all contend during his last weeks and days.

So all these five failures did nothing to help - blood relatives. But only your husband paid the price. And now these five hypocrites who did nothing have the nerve to tell your husband he's the bad guy?

Hey, I don't know your husband from Adam, but this letter seems so, so wrong.

Not knowing the whole story and the personalities involved I want to avoid being overly judgmental... BUT... If my wayward wife had sent during the early reconciliation process... or ever sent something like this we would be done.

What smokenfire said.....

I believe he should have ABSOLUTELY supported you by attending the funeral. (BTW...I'm sorry for your loss.)

But, I know at least to me, the death of my father and mother was not nearly as much a trauma to me as what my H did to our marriage with his infidelity.

The infidelity is DEFINITELY the gunshot wound in this scenario smokenfire is referring to.

I hope for you that this letter - since it has already been sent - might be a window through which your H can get a glimpse of where you are coming from.

But I certainly can see where he might see it as rationalizing and blame shifting.

If it goes badly, I suggest that you talk to him if that is feasible. Tell him how you feel and that you want him to know some of your feelings.

Because it is true that both the WS and the BS have to 'do the work' after infidelity. But the emphasis and possible blame cannot be put on the BS.

I am sorry to say that I fear he will be resentful, hurt, and perhaps angry when he reads the letter. I can tell you that I would have that reaction.

If it doesn't go well, what is your plan to clean up the 'wreckage'?

And, may I respectfully suggest that you try your best to work out your marriage with your H, not your siblings?

Inappropriate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:18 AM, March 19th (Sunday)]

If I received that letter, I would feel ganged up on. I would feel invalidated and I would feel blamed. I would feel very much like filing...did you know they were going to interfere in your marriage this way? Do you agree with it? I would want my WS to craft a harsh reply chastising the blameshifting, asking them to accept their role in leaving you alone to care for your uncle and admonishing their interference in the marriage - but only if he felt that way.

You need to stand up for your betrayed husband if you want R regardless of what he did or was in the marriage. This is just another way of showing him how you aren't loyal to him. Strike two. Marriage issues are marriage issues. infidelity is not a marriage issue. It is your issue. He wasn't there for you and that was his bad coping mech, yours was screwing another man. Now it is tit for tat. He wasn't there, so you cheated, he is hurt and not there again, so you gang up on him. Shame on your family. This makes me think that you spent crafting time bitching about your husband and how R was going. Did you? You may want to rethink just how you are coming across to your family about your husband. I think any BS would be pissed getting this letter. How did your husband handle it? You cheating because he wasn't there for you? When was Dday? How long was the affair? With whom.?

But we failed her. We did not see that she was standing alone, doing what needed to be done while we hid in our homes. We did not see how much she put in to keep the man who was the most amazing uncle to us all contend during his last weeks and days.

So all these five failures did nothing to help - blood relatives. But only your husband paid the price. And now these five hypocrites who did nothing have the nerve to tell your husband he's the bad guy?

Sounds like a family of blameshifters. They feel guilty for not being there to help you with their uncle, so they are going to take it out on your husband for not doing what they should have been doing? Or they feel guilty for not taking the lead to begin with? Not just to help you. Why were they hiding as opposed to being the one to take care of their uncle? Real nice.

I think if I received this letter your 5 siblings would be given a map to hell with the quickest route highlighted. And then I would divorce you so fast your head would spin. What a load of rubbish.

Start to support her. Or let her go. But do not let her stand alone.

As a BS, I hope this is the clarity her BS needs to "let her go" because she left him "standing alone" in their M when she cheated on him and now she has left him "standing alone" while she and her siblings take turns stabbing him!

My 5 Siblings and I spent the better part of the day crafting plans.

For anyone that asked ... this sounds like SHE HELPED write this! I hurt for her BS, it would definitely be the end of my M to receive a letter like this. The lack of remorse and the blameshifting is appalling. so sad

Trauerweide, we know nothing about you. To lead with this as your first post, I expected the reaction you've received.

So tell us how do you feel about this letter? Were you in fact apart in writing it? Did you know about it? How has R been going prior to this letter?

I have no doubt that your BH is going to be pissed and hurt over this. Anyone would be.

Your siblings seem completely clueless when it come to infidelity. And perhaps you can ask them to keep their uneducated opinions to themselves. I know they are your people and it will be difficult to just cut them out, but before you do maybe you could explain some things to them. To R though, is to cut out anyone who is not a friend of the M, and to blame the BS is no friend.

Dealing with death and illness is called adulting. We all do it, most of us without cheating on our spouses.

Life sucks. So did you actually come out and ask him for support? And he said no?

Or did you get passive aggressive and petulant and expect him to mind read? And use that as an excuse to cheat when he didn't read your mind?

Mature adults ask for help like adults.

That letter is just toxic. Why on earth, (or any other planet) would anyone think it is appropriate to send something like that to an in-law?

It sounds like you and your siblings are ganging up on your husband and blaming him for your affair. That can't possibly help with R.

How long since dday? How have you changed? IC? MC? Reading? Transparency?