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I'm a little over 9 months past D-day and R is generally going OK. Things aren't perfect, but seem to be steadily improving. We have been married 12 years and have 3 kids – 3, 8, and 10. My WW cheated with the husband of a couple we were friends with. The wife of the other couple (other BS) has never been told about the A. I still struggle with my decision to not tell her or make her husband tell her, but I justify it since it has potentially saved her pain and protected my kids from more drama/divorce.

My problem now is that WW is continuing to interact with the other BS. I objected to this early in R and stated that their relationship needs to phase out. I allowed time for this so that it could be done without raising too much suspicion. However, I’ve now found two occasions in recent months were WW was set to meet with the other BS without telling me. The “not telling me” part is obviously an unneeded trust issue, but not my focus in writing this post…

I’m to the point where I feel I can no longer keep silent to the other BS if WW continues to socialize with her. I’ve tried to keep my own integrity intact as much as possible since D-day. This just feels like too much of an integrity issue to me. I’ve drafted a letter to WW that very clearly states that I’m at my limit - that she either needs to stop contact or I’ll end my silence to the other BS.

Am I over-reacting? I’m strongly in favor of preventing my kids from having to go through a divorce as long as things can stay reasonably good between me and WW. However I’m sure giving her an ultimatum on this issue will risk pushing us closer to divorce. Any and all advice/perspective would be greatly appreciated!

This might be my own issues coming out, but that just seems unnecessarily cruel for your WW to continue to maintain a relationship with someone whose husband she had an affair with. I have a huge issue with that thinking of that poor wife being the only one who doesn't know and your WW knowing and still being friendly towards her.

Like I said, it could just be and my own issues. I personally think it's cruel. I would not be ok with it on any level. I saw the COW one time at a Christmas party (we had always been friendly previously) and at least she had the decency to be bitchy to me even though I didn't know why at the time. But to act like a friend, knowing what you've done? I don't like it at all.

I'm sorry if this is a harsh post. I have issues when it come to this sort of fakery.

I agree that it seems cruel and selfish to continue the friendship. It also might be a way for her to keep tabs on the OM.

I would definitely set your boundaries. I always think telling the OBS is the right thing to do, but it's your choice. If you choose not to, ask your wife to end the friendship and cut all ties. Make it part of your boundaries.

You're not actually saving OBS pain, you are adding to it. If it comes out, and sneaky sneaky things have a way of doing it, you will be lumped (correctly) into "all those who knew and said nothing".

Shouldn't she have the right to know as your ww is making her look like a huge fool? I know the fact that we lived in a small town and everyone knew who I was married to and what and who he was and NO ONE told me was the most humiliating part. I wanted to hide rather then deal with looking like the naive stupid spouse.

You tell the OBS regardless of whether your WW stays in contact or not.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to be bothered by your WW's gigantic hypocrisy. It's like I neon sign hanging over her head saying "I'm not sorry!"

You know, we typically advise betrayed spouses to expose immediately and without notification. That accomplishes a couple of things actually. It takes the illicit sense of excitement away and shines a big light on just how tawdry the behavior is. And.. it's just not right to withhold that kind of information from a person who is being gaslighted and victimized.

Here's the bottom line though... you and your WW had an agreement, just like you had an agreement when you got married, and once again she has breached it. Your WW has no leg to stand on. If she's going to make autonomous decisions in direct contradiction to what has been agreed upon, I don't think you can be morally held to keeping your silence. I think I'd just inform the OBS that she's getting played and be done with it. If your WW wants to get mad, tough. She shouldn't have screwed her friend's husband. Consequences.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:01 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

Hello, HRT. Welcome to SI.

I’ve tried to keep my own integrity intact as much as possible since D-day. This just feels like too much of an integrity issue to me.

That's because it is an issue of integrity. I felt it my duty, as a human being, to tell the OBS everything I knew and how I knew it. That just wasn't a secret I was willing to keep. And to me, the OBS was a total stranger.

I think your WW is still wayward, still being extremely selfish, myopic and, as others have noted, cruel.

I don't think you're over-reacting in the least. And I whole-heartedly think you should tell the OBS everything you know and how you know it.

Suppose the positions were reversed. Would you want OBS to tell you?

I urge you to tell her or to demand your W tell her - but it's better coming from you, IMO.

I’m to the point where I feel I can no longer keep silent to the other BS if WW continues to socialize with her. I’ve tried to keep my own integrity intact as much as possible since D-day. This just feels like too much of an integrity issue to me. I’ve drafted a letter to WW that very clearly states that I’m at my limit - that she either needs to stop contact or I’ll end my silence to the other BS.

Am I over-reacting? I’m strongly in favor of preventing my kids from having to go through a divorce as long as things can stay reasonably good between me and WW. However I’m sure giving her an ultimatum on this issue will risk pushing us closer to divorce. Any and all advice/perspective would be greatly appreciated!

Contrast what you wrote above with this:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ― Edmund Burke

Question for you: Are you a good man doing nothing?

Screw you your courage and bring the truth into the light!

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway" John Wane - signature for Ms.Aubrie

AS a BS whose husband had an affair with my 'friend', I can tell you that all the times she socialised with me knowing what she was doing to my family feel like she was mocking me. I honestly see it as her trying to extract information from me, and laughing behind my back. it really hurts.

The OBS MUST be told, that's my opinion. But as a bare minimum, your wife needs to cut contact for the OBS sake.

The situation is a little different now, and different from yours, but after my husband discovered my A, I continued my online friendship with OBS (via Facebook). This was long before we found SI and as we had been friends for years beforehand, I didn't want to break it off (and we also didn't tell her about the A until last September - another enormously poor choice). There was a huge long thread about it and the overwhelming response was similar to this. It *was* absolutely cruel to continue, and is one of my many regrets. Part of my "fog", if you will, was a rationalization that I was helping her by not telling her, and (rationalization!) since AP and I had not intended to leave our spouses anyway and it was finished, what was the point in upending her world?

I am guessing your WW is still in that fog. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much anyone can say that will make her see reality in that state, if she's anything like I was. The book "Not Just Friends" may be a help. It's possible it would have helped me if I'd read it at any point - it certainly did once I did get my hands on it (when it was pretty much too late) Even then, though, I still didn't feel "right" about telling her until well after we had. It felt awful to do it, knowing what I was going to do to her relationship... but then, I already had done it, she just didn't know it yet. I feel awful for it and I hope every day that she's getting the help she needs and isn't rug-sweeping. She didn't deserve any of this.

If I could sit down with your WW, I would tell her to learn from my poor choices. It's going to be terribly hard to expose what she's done. But the friendship needs to be over. OBS wrote to my BS that while she appreciated his offer to help her in whatever way he could in the aftermath, if she wanted, that it was better if our families had no further contact, and I think she's absolutely right. I think you're right and your WW will be offended by an ultimatum, but this is something that has to be done whether she wants it or not. If it would help, I'd be happy to write something to her directly, having BT/DT. She needs to recognize that her actions have consequences and this is one of them.

Gently here.... not only is she making a fool of the OBS but a mockery of your trust. Why on earth would she want to look this poor woman in the face unless she is using it as a way to stay connected to the OM? Put yourself in the OBS place and if she knew and didn't tell you while her husband remained friends with you?

Perhaps your wife wasn't the only one he has cheated with and she needs to be tested for STDs.

Do not warn your wife. Just contact the OBS

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree whole heartedly that my WW's actions with OBS are cruel and hypocritical to OBS, not to mention make regaining trust with me much harder. I know (and have told WW) that some of the most hurtful things about her A were the times her and the OM spent with me and OBS. I’m sure if/when OBS finds out, she’ll look at interactions with my WW in the last 9 months and be very hurt by them. I’m aware I won’t escape blame too, I guess I’ve just weighed that as a risk to try and create stability for R.

It looks like the consensus is that I should definitely go forward with putting down a stronger boundary with WW about stopping contact with OBS. This lines up with what I’m feeling and am glad for all the input and different viewpoints.

What surprises me most about the replies (and please excuse that I’m not more familiar with the normal advice around here!) is how strongly people feel that I should inform OBS no matter what. I did a lot of reading on this subject outside of message boards, talked briefly with MC about it, and have talked to others in my life about it… I found more sources in favor of not telling (as long as I had reasonable assurance the A stopped). Are there any specific threads you would point me to for discussion on this topic? Also, there are a total of 6 kids in these marriages and I feel strongly about protecting all of them as much as possible, even if that means less than perfect truth comes out. It’s quite possible I’m screwed up on my thinking on that, but it’s certainly a complicated and weighty subject…

Brother, the difference is simple. Here, on SI, there are over 50,000 people who have "been there and done that." Your family, friends, MC, and whatever else may tell you it's okay to keep this a secret, to continue to allow this woman to live a fake life, a life of lies, deception, of disrespect, and abuse. (yes, you read that correctly. Infidelity is spousal abuse). You can convince yourself that it's okay, that you're protecting the kids, but you make yourself an accomplice by hiding behind rationalizations.

The OBS deserves to know the truth about her life. Stop lying to her.

I'm one who was told by the obs. Or at least she forced my wife into confession. You need to tell her yourself. She has a right to know who her husband (and her friend /your wife) really are. Let her (obs) make her own decisions just like you have been able to do.

Another point is there nothing that kills an affair faster than outing it to the obs. Two sets of eyes are better than one. Quite honestly you don't know whether your wife is still in contact with the om or not if she still has a relationship with his wife. Maybe the obs hasn't been the one your wife has been seeing.

This continuing relationship is a total lie. If my wife were still playing "friend" to the woman who's husband she was fucking and flaunting it in front of me, I would divorce her ass and go for the jugular in court. Your wife clearly doesn't get what honor and character mean. You have a front row seat to witness the lack of character she has.

Tell the obs!

My first reaction if this were happening to me is that your WS is trying to stay in the orbit of her AP by staying friends with the OBS. The fact that she is doing things with this person without talking to you about it first is completely inappropriate.

The OBS needs to know the truth. Your wife needs to stay away from her and her husband. End of story.

One more thought. Your wife also doesn't give a crap about how this affects YOU. She screws around on you then forces you to watch her continue the charade and forces you to lie for her.

I have to tell you, this thread strikes a nerve with me. Reconciliation requires a remorseful spouse and you clearly don't have one.

Completely agree with everything thissux has to say!

I'm a little over 9 months past D-day and R is generally going OK.

It really isn't because...

I objected to this early in R and stated that their relationship needs to phase out. I allowed time for this so that it could be done without raising too much suspicion. However, I’ve now found two occasions in recent months were WW was set to meet with the other BS without telling me.

...your wife isn't remorseful. Remorse is being sorry for the other people who were impacted -- you and the OBS, for example -- and doing whatever it takes to make things right. She should be figuring out the underlying "Why?" behind the affair and working hard on herself to change. Instead, she has only exhibited regret, which is self-focused and she has crossed your boundaries twice (not phasing out of the relationship and now not telling you about meetings) while continuing to harm the OBS by deceiving her that there is a real friendship ongoing.

Before even going to the point about the OBS, you have a major issue on your hands. Your wife isn't remorseful, you can see specific signs of it and you are accepting unacceptable behavior. She is being self-centered, deceitful, manipulative and controlling -- the same type of behaviors/attitudes that existed during the affair. She isn't making progress on becoming a safe partner and, as a result, there will very likely be more pain headed your way at some future point in time.

I found more sources in favor of not telling

It does seem to be the prevailing opinion in general, especially from those without direct experience. Something along the lines of "It's not your business" is the underlying sentiment. On the overall topic of infidelity in general, the majority opinion seems to be "There are two sides to every story" (in other words, the betrayed partner owns part of the blame).

The difference here is that the opinions come out of real experience, so the end result is opposite what most others would say. The perspective is that the OBS has been betrayed, her health potentially placed at risk and the underlying statement is being made that she isn't worthy of being treated with love and respect. By being betrayed yourself, you should be able to understand that position. Telling the OBS is simply demonstrating that she is worthwhile and that she is respected by someone.

Also, there are a total of 6 kids in these marriages and I feel strongly about protecting all of them as much as possible, even if that means less than perfect truth comes out.

Kids catch their character from what they are modeled. What is it that they are being taught in the existing environment that is "protecting" them?

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 3:14 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

Your WW is not really being a friend to the other BS. When the truth comes out her continued contact with the OBS will only multiply the trauma for the victim. Your WW needs to cut off all contact and you need to inform the OBS.