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Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):

(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered

(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens

(c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found

(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house

(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)

(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)

(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)

(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife

(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)

thank you in advance

First off never reveal your sources. If you confront her again just tell her that you know it has become physical with OM but don't tell her how you found out. For all she knows it could have been a coworker that told you. If she denies just tell her you know without a doubt that it's become physical....

I would tell OM wife as soon as you can. This more than anything will end the affair. He will be busy trying to save his marriage and not lose his job. You don't know that he really is having problems with his marriage...its more likely he told her this to get into her pants. He could be a player and this might not be his first affair.

Do not tell your wife you are going to call the OBS prior just do it. I would tell the OBS before I confronted my WW.

Read the healing library on this site and realize the affair is not your fault.

Simple - you need to blow this up so the first step is taking the evidence to her boyfriend's wife.

The only way to end affairs is by blowing them up and by applying consequences. Read through the threads here - betrayed spouses will find so many reasons to not expose but - in nearly every single case - it was the lynchpin in moving beyond infidelity to whatever the hell is next.

Long game to do what? And you are waiting for what? Them to get fully physical?

Seems all the OM had to do was whisper sweet somethings in her ear and she caved..not good for you.

OM has no desire to leave his wife so your wife is just a bit on the side and the OM to her is that forbidden fruit, it's all fun and illicit.

You can collect all the evidence you want. You know she's cheating and that's all there is to it.

Question is there's a whole world out there of men who will sleep with your wife at the drop of a hat. Right now your wife has been caught but still continues.

The real question is how much disrespect is she allowed to continue doing and what exactly is your self worth?

Your wife has been cheating on you and possibly could be having sex, yet you just do nothing but wait?

Willing to play the "long game?"

Just do nothing, then. The affair will end eventually.

Seriously though, you can read the threads here and learn what works best over thousands of situations. The best results are when the betrayed spouse is strong and decisive and absolutely refuse to remain in infidelity. Tell the cheater that you will not remain with her having a boyfriend, give her 15 minutes to end the affair and re-commit to the marriage, and request actions for her to prove it such as a written no contact letter sent registered mail to him, showing the employment agency she is using to find another job, changing phone numbers and blocking him, deleting/blocking social media, and setting up an STD test. Talk is cheap, look only at her actions.

If she refuses the request, say nothing, just file, and let her know you will take her back if she meets your requests, but your willingness could change at any time.

Telling the other man's wife is the most effective way to end the affair in most situations, including yours.

If OM has been there a while, he didn't start this up out of the blue. Your wife gave him a signal.

You have so much more from the start than most of us. I wish I would have had the knowledge you have at your fingertips right now. For me it was deep, deeper, and deepest crap until I almost drowned. You also have the acquired knowledge here of hundreds that know what you are about to go through. There is no "Long haul", there is the here and now. Blow this thing apart for your benefit...and you can then see if you have the pieces left to put your marriage back together.

It's like an infection,the longer you wait the worse it will get. It won't get better on its own for a long time, if ever. I am concerned over your willingness to wait.

Cheaters are risk-takers. Some cheaters will be so worried about losing the marriage, they will end the affair immediately when the betrayed get even a whiff of it. That's not your wife. She knows you're onto you, and she's willing to let it ride. Why? Either she doesn't value the marriage/you or she figures you won't end the marriage over cheating. Meanwhile, you are hesitant to stand up to her unfaithful deceitful unrespectful behavior. It seems to me that she will not end the affair easily because yoy've already demonstrated to her that you will just take it.

Read some of the threads on the last pages of the different forums, then go back to front, because you can see more complete resolutions. See which actions get the most results.

Also, notice that if you are complacent in the beginning and let the cheating continue, it gets much later to get her to change. It's kind of like inertia, an object in motion continues in motion. She gets in her head that this is OK and you will put up with it, and it gets harder for her to dissuade herself of that. The sooner you let her know that it's unacceptable, the better.

A large percentage of people come here with the goal of saving the marriage at any cost. With that attitude they don't have much of a chance to save anything. The Wayward has no reason to change their behavior because the BS is willing to do ANYHING to save the marriage. This is normally out of desperation. It has been said on here many times and is the absolute truth. In order to save the marriage you have to be willing to risk losing it.

When the Wayward sees that you are willing to leave, they get desperate. All of a sudden they will do anything to save the marriage. This is true most times with the exception of an exit affair. If the wayward was planning to leave anyway, there is nothing to save.

In reality you need to decide if infidelity is a deal breaker for you. Can you every really get over this deep of a betrayal? If not, why torture yourself, just file. There have been many who just know right up front that they cannot live with someone who would do this and they walk. Their recovery is much quicker, still painful, you don't get past this kind of a thing easily. Many stay and work with their wayward do R in time. Some say it was worth it and the marriage is better than it had every been. Others end up divorcing anyway. You have do decide what you want, what you can live with. Can forgive and learn to trust again. If you can, confront her and see what her attitude is. If there is no remorse, there is nothing to work with.

Its up to your WW to do the work of fixing herself. You cannot fix her. If she tries to blame you for the A, don't accept the blame. Marriage problems can be 50/50, the affair is 100% hers.

If there is no way you are going to get past this betrayal. Do yourself a favor and just file. R is hard, requires major effort from both of you. Mostly it takes time, 2-5 years.

I'm sorry you ended up here. There are many that will help you through this. It may seem that some are being very negative, honestly, they have seen it all and know that you probably won't have the full truth for a long time, if ever. Take what you need, leave the rest. Go back and re-read occasionally. There will be times when you read something and decide you don't need it, only to find later that you really did. Take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, sleep, exercise. Generally take care of yourself, you won't feel like it, but make yourself.

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 1:42 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

I totally agree with wk55hn. This is NOT the time to be passive. You already look weaker than the AP to her. You allowing yourself to be a cuckold makes you look even weaker. Be the king of your castle. There's another man trying to usurp your throne. What are you going to do about it?

This has been going on since before Christmas and you believe they haven't had sex? Really? Come on. Work place affairs take a little time to get off the air but once they reaching cruising altitude, they are banging like rabbits.

You would be blown away by the number of BHs that come here for advice on handling a EA to only find out that it's a full on sexual PA. From what you have revealed, your wife thinks she's "in LOVE" and is doing everything to keep him happy.

These most commonly start on lunch breaks. They'll go to nearby park for walks. Eventually they don't walk but stay in car and make out and pet which quickly progresses to a BJ. Then eventually full on sex in car. Yep, the wife that you think would never do that, is doing that ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

Being that they've been at it for over 4 months, I'd bet they've had sex at least a dozen times or at the minimum, she's serviced him in the car that many times.

Your weakness in not standing firm against this, has emboldened her to continue right in front of you. She knows you suspect something but hasn't stopped, even after being confronted twice. That tells me she's lost respect for you.

Only a shock and awe campaign of having her served at work on the same day that you expose the affair to her family and to OM's wife is going to wake her up.

The "wait and see" is just going to get them to take things further underground until what usually happens, the OM gets busted by his wife and he throws your wife under the bus.

In cases like that, the husband is not getting his loving wife back. No, he's getting a broken hearted wife who's going to openly pine away for her soulmate, while despising you.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 5:00 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

There's an old saying: In order to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to lose it.

Not until you reach the point of being OK with your marriage ending will you be able to take effective action to stop your WW's affair and learn if there is any hope of R (which will depend entirely on what she wants). But be forewarned, if this doesn't happen soon, when it does, it may be too late.

Good luck.

Lots of good advice here. I'm not sure what state you are in but in most states it doesn't matter for the purposes of divorce if your wife is unfaithful. If that is the case where you are then waiting to gather more evidence is a waste of time. You know what is going on. You don't have to prove it in a court of law. If they have not actually had sex, and that seems like a big "if", then how will you feel if you could have blown this up and stopped it but waited?

If you are convinced. Call his wife, show her what you know and then confront your wife. Start moving now to get out of infidelity. This isn't just advice for divorce. If you are to have any chance of reconciling with her you want this A to end as soon as possible. Every day this goes on is another day you have to try to get over, another memory tainted, another day that strips away a little more of your self-esteem. Start moving out of infidelity now!

affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)

One thing to add. Don't believe the "limited opportunities" thing. You might think your wife wouldn't have sex in a car in a parking lot and under normal circumstances she wouldn't but this isn't normal. Cheaters will find a way, a place and a time. It is part of the excitement.

This has been going on since before Christmas, and you think it's not physical? The chances of that are very small. A ton of hooking up happens during the work day. Most of it, actually. I think it's great you aren't revealing your sources, but you need to be realistic. It probably has gotten physical. It goes from kiss to full on sex extremely quickly.

Hi Chrissy,

Sorry to see what has happened to you.

Seriously, there is a lot of very sound advice in what people are saying about how to end affairs. The thing is, as another poster said, your wife knows she has been caught, and she is still carrying it on. This is not a one night stand, it is now entering its fourth month. The only way to stop it is to take action outside of yet another confrontation with your wife. You have tried that a couple of times already, and she has brushed it off. All that will happen if you show her your evidence is that she will switch to using other means of communicating, and your source of information will vanish.

Instead of another confrontation, which haven't worked so far, you need to expose what is going on. And do not tell your wife before you do this, or she will try to pre-empt your action by telling everyone that you are crazy and paranoid.

If she has family, tell them what she is doing, tell them it is threatening the marriage, and say you are thinking of divorce. It doesn't matter whether you really are thinking of divorce or not, the suggestion of it is likely to spur her family into kicking her in the behind and asking her why she is risking her marriage and family. That can be extremely effective.

Contact the OM's wife and tell her what you know. Do not reveal how you gathered your evidence, because the betrayed wife will probably tell the OM, and then he and your wife can start using other means to communicate. Just say that you have evidence, tell her what is going on, and how long it has been going on.

And finally, tell the HR department where they work. Most HR departments have strong policies forbidding workplace relationships, and if you have evidence that they are getting it on in disused rooms of work premises, I imagine HR will want to have a discussion with them about that. The workplace has to stop being a safe daytime haven for their affair, and the only way to make that happen is by contacting HR.

Chrissy, your wife clearly isn't going to stop the affair just because you know about it. But once others start to know about it, like her family and her HR department, that is suddenly a different ballgame.

Waiting is not an option, and confrontations with you don't have much effect on your wife. It is time for the next stage, which is to expose and derail the affair before it does any more damage to your marriage and family.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:43 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

m1965 just laid out a perfect strategy. roll it all into one hard shot of reality to hit her. dont warn her you will do this, that eliminates shock value. you want it to all hit her in one huge pop.

that has the single best chance of snapping a ws out of the affair. its what works.

Shock and awe seems to work well.

Read Spaceghost's thread and see the kind of reaction strong action yields:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&HL=46539