SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the longest story ever told. I don't even have the energy to type it. I'm 53, Married 29 years, together 36 with 5 grown children including triplets and 3 grandsons. The affair began 18 years ago. And ended all without my knowledge.I'll never know the truth there who ended it. I did know we were in a bad place, just didn't know about the affair at the time. I was under the impression you work at your aerials when times get hard. You don't give up or stray.

Let's also begin with I'm dealing with a psychopath AP!!!

They came in contact with each other again 3+ years ago where she was the president of a fundraiser we donated the grand prize (coincidence)? and the affair restarted. He's to blame. He could have avoided it. But he said he wasn't happy and wanted excitement. I held him back being sick p. I have Rheumatoid arthritis in top of a fused spine and fused neck, I do the best I can going to events, concerts, functions etc, while working and raising kids. It wasn't easy,

I saw all the signs, asked him over and over if he was cheating. He always denied it. I asked him to just leave me if he wasn't happy, just respect me enough to not cheat. I was the wife who felt if he was happy, I'd be happy. Do what makes you happy, buy what you've worked hard for and when I became sick with a chronic illness, I told him I'd understand if he wanted out. I'm a fool I know. I loved him that much. Truly, deeply. Highschool sweethearts I felt we had something special. Looking back, I see how selfish he was/is. It was always about him. He was the most jealous man so I stopped going out, let friends go just so he didn't have reason to accuse, anyway, I knew he was cheating and found out within 5 minutes of putting a tracker app on his phone, he said he was relieved I found out, said he wanted to be with her but didn't know if it would work, so he wanted me to be there just in case, wow! He said he would always wonder if he didn't try with her. He was leaving to be with her and had wanted to 15 years ago. I contacted her and I did ask her to back off so we could work on our marriage.. She laughed at me. Told me if I was such a good wife, why did he keep going back to her? I let her know if she didn't, I'd expose her on the homewrecker site. The tracker showed she continued contact, so I posted all about the affair. She went insane of course. She's forever there when googled.

He moved out for a few weeks and said he needed to be alone to think. He lied and was seeing her within a few days. I was ready to accept the marriage was over when he came to me and begged to be forgiven and said it was over, we did counseling and he swore it was just an emotional affair, he would never touch her out of respect for me. (He's a good liar and I'm stupid) A painful year passed and I did everything I could to show him I was a good wife. I'd always cook, be attentive, loving, but even moreso now. I was so afraid to lose him. I noticed he was distant and finally asked if he was happy. Asked how he felt about me, when he said he didn't know, and we argued, he got dressed and went out. I packed a bag and left the state. I disappeared. He kept texting and calling me, in but I told him I was done. I couldn't do it any more, be anymore. . I was never enough for him. He said he was with her because she was fun, exciting, adventurous. I did my best to go to events, trips, do whatever made him happy and with a smile. I was sick, it wasn't easy, so while I was out of state, he said he'd realized how much he loved me and needed me and it would be better from now on. 8 days later I came home. The next year was the best year in so long. He was really trying. He was home on time, told me where he was, texted me all the time. I had my guard up and stayed distant. I let him shower me with affection and attention. He was never angry, never short tempered. He did everything for me that year. I slowly began to fall back in love with him and enjoy what we'd once had. We held hands , snuggled on the couch and at night, he didn't sleep without touching me.

Every once in awhile I'd get a text anonymously saying I was blind, he was still having the affair, he'd say it's her or her friends trying to hurt me because he ended it. Another would say where is he when you think he's working? He'd say you know I don't leave work. This went on for 4 months. I texted back she'd have no response. She was insane. She didn't want him with me and would do whatever she could to end us and she was also pissed about the website post I'd made, so I chalked it off as a crazy woman and filed a police report for harrassment, they stopped. Then I started stalking her Facebook. Her posts were insane also. If he was away hunting, her post mentioned about a friend being away. If we were away, she'd mention a friend being on vacation there were about 6 of these, then when the cats away the mouse will play, the leash is off, the leash is back on. It was enough to have me needing medication. All the while he loved me so hard, I was smothered, how can he be seeing her when he's home every night on time? He's so attentive? Who could be this cruel? He watched me suffer for so long and stayed with her? Stayed with me?

Well fast forward to my birthday March 9th and a text comes in to us both. You're amazing! Every time you end it you always come running back, she stated specific details of him staying a her house and a comment about a concert he attended with my son, that's when I knew, it's been her all along sending anonymous messages, he's a good liar and the affair never ended, he'd been seeing her the past THREE YEARS! His excuse was he hated her, but she told him if he stopped seeing her she would send me photos, give me specific intimate details, he said he fell in love with me all over again the past year and couldn't lose me so he gave in to her crazy demands. He hoped she'd just go away but she didn't of course. It was revenge on me also, she hated me. ( yes I knew her before this) so for a year and a half, if she said jump, he jumped. He went skiing with my daughter and my daughter left 2 days early and this bitch showed up for those last 2 days, he says he didn't want her there but come on. How did she know you were there? He's back peddling at this point. After getting that text and it all became clear, I asked him for the truth . He spilled his guts. He had feelings for her the first Year and a half, while leading me on then started hating her but she was threatening to expose every secret. I would have preferred honesty over this. Honesty and an affair is more forgiving than this. This is selfish. Pure selfishness. I think he kept us both while he decided who he wanted. Cake and eat it too. I did everything for him. We had a good life. He realized too late. How can this be fixed ever?! I left the house march 11 and returned March 28th. I told him to leave, I called a realtor to list our vacation/retirement home and told him to prepare our primary home for sale. I can't look at him. He's in a temporary rental til May 25th but asked me to take time to think before asking for a divorce . I already told him I'm done. I did agree to giving it 30 more days. We text here and there. He's lonely he's begging, but I'm dead inside. I miss my friend, I miss the closeness we had. I'm in mourning,he says he would never cheat on another woman again whether it's me or someone else. He's been tortured for too long lying and feels relieved it's finally out, I've texted her a few times and she's called the police, I'm done. Needed to say a few things. I'm ready to move on, my kids have been through enough, even though they're grown. They're so angry he could hurt me not once, but 3x back to back. I could have moved on by now had he been honest 3 or 2 years ago. Now the pain is so deep, I can't function, can't sleep eat, I'm in a daze. I want him, but I also feel I deserve to finally live my life for me and no one else ever again. Had the last year been bad, I'd be ok. But it was so good. I just wanted to be loved . Was that so much to ask for? Sooo. I need thoughts on this. I feel I'm losing my mind right now.

[This message edited by Jerseywife at 4:11 PM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

Wow.

First, a huge welcome and a hug ((((Jerseywife))))

You're just a tad bit older than me and have been with your WH for a tad bit longer than I have been with my FWH.

As gently as I can...

I have a sinking feeling your WH has been wayward for longer than you know. The projection/jealousy in your early relationship - it's abuse - and it's normally to control you so you don't find out about his indiscretions.

Sweetie, he's been cheating on you for at least 1/2 of time time you have been with him.

If he truly hated her - he's a guy - he would not be able to "do the deed" - so I'm sorry, I don't buy that.

I'm normally pro-reconciliation, especially for long-term marriages...but honey, this guy has done some pretty bad things and he needs serious help - help you simply cannot provide to him...only a professional can.

Please do three things asap:

1) Get yourself into IC - you need some new coping skills to help you get through this.

2) Get tested for STDs. You know, this is the one thing that makes me so angry - to put your life in danger for so many years. That's not love; that is pure selfishness.

3) Speak to an attorney and file for D. Filing does not mean you have to D, but you need to take that first step of being away from him.

I don't know you or him, but given your sitch, I don't see him doing the hard work (therapy for starters) to make this work, and after all you've been through - do you want to worry about him doing this again for the rest of your life? Because you only get one of those, sweetie. It's time to live it for Jerseywife.

Others will be along with awesome advice as well - I try to keep mine as short and sweet as possible as not to overwhelm - I know it's hard...you guys have been together a long time - lots of history - but so much of it is tainted and he can't take that back.

Sending strength & hugs...

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:56 AM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

Adding one more piece of advice...

He's doing what we call "cake eating" - you know - getting both worlds.

A saying we use on SI: CLOSE THE BAKERY.

((((HUGS)))

We're here for you and we will help you!

I'm so sorry you're here (((hugs))) but please try to absorb the good advice you will receive. I know it's so hard to believe that your life's partner could be so cruel and deceptive--but he is. After 40 years of a good marriage my WH began a 6 year affair with a woman young enough to be our daughter. I knew nothing, I trusted this man with my heart and soul. After DDay I tried everything possible to repair our marriage. But this is impossible with a liar.

Your spouse is a liar. He has followed the cheaters handbook to a T, including the "she threatened to tell you and I didn't want to lose you so I had to keep her happy" bullshit. Your spouse wants you because you are his security blanket. You want him because you love him. There is a huge difference.

Please consider that you WILL be okay on your own. I am 67 years old and starting over. Yes I have bad days but I no longer have the daily DRAMA of what lies will he tell me today? Living like that is like trying to heal a wound by ripping off the scab every day. It doesn't work. Please believe me. You need to live the life you deserve, you are worth it.

Only you can decide how you want to live your life ((jersey wife)) I am so sorry that you are married to a man who has no respect for himself... let alone for you.

He lies... he cheats... then he lies and cheats some more. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. His actions are showing you what he is.... you only have to find the strength to accept what he is showing you.

Is he even capable of working on himself to make himself a better person who is capable of honesty and morality?? What has he actually done to take ownership of his terrible choices???

Please go to the Healing Library (yellow box) and the Tactical Primer on the top of this forum and start to read.

Here are some links... read them.... draw on the wisdom and strength of the people of this forum.

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Sending you strength.

Lalagirl

Stunned

Minus one

I sincerely appreciate everything you have said. I'm sure you're all right. It's all still sinking in, every day it becomes more clear. The clarity is hard to deal with. I feel like a fool. The love I've had for him, devotion...has been for so long I couldn't fathom him doing this, let alone for this long. I don't think there's any way to fix it. I don't think I want to. I only think of the negative. Very few good things will surface. I do miss what we've had this past year, but knowing he was screwing her the whole time ruins that also. Knowing he knew it was her torturing me all this time just shows how selfish and cruel he is. How was I so blind all this time.

You are not a fool.... please don't think that way.

You marriage can't be fixed... not unless... until he fixes himself.... that takes a lot introspective, hard work, counseling, a whole lot of time , empathy and strength of character....(and I am sorry... he seems to be lacking in a lot of areas)...

So what you do is take care of YOU.... because love is not enough...

Welcome to our Club JerseyWife.

They came in contact with each other again 3+ years ago where she was the president of a fundraiser we donated the grand prize (coincidence)? and the affair restarted.

That's all I needed to read to know that you live a 'comfortable' lifestyle (I'm guessing car dealership/dealerships owners).

I'm just being honest here but I'm assuming there's no way he'd ever want a divorce because it would hit him right where it hurts - his wallet. I'm sure he's probably talked to a lawyer or two over his lifetime (or chatted with a lawyer friend) and found out he'd be SCREWED financially in a divorce. You know - the old, 'it's cheaper to keep her' mantra.

It seems as though he's pulled his bullshit quite a few times - he wants you, he wants her, he wants you, he wants her. I guess he was choosing to be with whoever made his life the easiest at the time. But I have to say, he was also honest with you when he told you that you were Plan B if things didn't work out with her.

I'm sure you realize you should have left long ago, but hindsight is 20/20. It's been 18+ years of lying, cheating, gas-lighting, false reconciliations, utter and complete disrespect for you, manipulation, alibis, denial - and the list just goes and on and on.

I wouldn't give him 30 MINUTES much less 30 days. Be VERY careful that he's not using that time to squirrel away marital funds and protect himself financially. NOTHING he does benefits anyone but himself.

He's been tortured for too long lying and feels relieved it's finally out

Oh yes, the poor tortured SOUL and he's so glad his OW ratted him out AGAIN because he sure lacked the balls to show you any respect and be honest with you for the first time in YEARS.

But yes, HE'S the poor tortured one here, isn't he?

How can this be fixed ever?!

Ask yourself this question. How MANY times have you already tried to fix it while HE continually shit all over it? How many times?

Had the last year been bad, I'd be ok. But it was so good.

Sadly JerseyWife, the last year was NOT good. His intentions were NOT pure and it was all an act to keep you pacified and conned into believing the lies he continually told you about the affair being over.

That's what your last year really consisted of. Him providing a false reality for you and fooling you into thinking things were good.

He's done that one too many times and he doesn't deserve anything but a kick in the ass right to the curb.

Cry your eyes out. Go ahead. Then find yourself a fabulous divorce attorney who'll protect you from this selfish ass. If you want to give him 30 days to lie some more and tell you how miserable he is and what a victim he was and how he's 'so relieved' not to be living a double life anymore (one he CHOSE to live for almost 20 years but now, suddenly, is 'relieved' that it's supposedly over) then please do so with a huge grain of salt. The man doesn't even know the meaning of the word 'honesty.

Protect yourself. Get to a lawyer now.

I'm so angry for you! Especially over the last year. He could have just made a choice instead he made his deception complete and total and did everything he could for you to emotionally re-invest in him.

If he's been having an affair with her on and off for 18 years... I think it's unlikely he will quit.

he says he would never cheat on another woman again whether it's me or someone else

This is a continuation of the manipulation. He wants you to think "well if he's going to be a good husband from now on, I might as well benefit since I have paid such a high price"

You and the AP have been fighting over him and he's probably been loving it. Think about it, you posted to homewreckers to try to get her to leave your husband alone. She sent you anonymous messages to get you to leave your husband. Neither of you had any faith in the man in the middle to control his own behavior.

This is all so hard, take your time letting it sink in, don't trust any word out of your WS's mouth. Trust me, as soon as he thinks you will divorce him, he'll run right back to her. Wait for confirmation of that if you need to, but if you don't need it then you can save yourself some pain.

I don't know how to clip quotes so I'll just reply.

No, lol no car dealership. My husband is in construction and he's pretty good at flipping properties for profit. At the moment we are cash poor, so we are in the process of selling a few. In my state I get half no matter what but I will be asking for spousal support since I feel I deserve it. I am on permanent disability. That's what started this. I'm no fun anymore. I can't ski anymore, I thought we did a lot together, but he said I wasn't exciting enough. Like I said, when I got sick, I gave him the "out" I knew I wasn't the same woman he married I actually felt guilty for it. He chose to stay so he should have been faithful. I have spinal damage and Rheumatoid arthritis and although I worked up until 2011 the damage to my back and neck from surgeries and fusions many years ago- have started to deteriorate my spine, so it's been a challenge. I still cook, clean, we go to dinner with friends, we travel, I walk every day to keep as active as I can. I make jewelry as a Metalsmith on the good days. But I do have my bad days. I consider myself lucky. I was paralyzed and told I'd never walk again at age 15. I was told I'd never have kids, I proved them wrong.

[This message edited by Jerseywife at 7:08 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Jerseygirl I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It wasn't and isn't your fault that you're sick. He cheated, because he didn't care about anyone but himself.

"He chose to stay so he should have been faithful."

He made vows to stay by your side. Through health and illness!

Please don't blame yourself. You need to think of yourself now. Eat and stay hydrated. This is your life and you don't need to make a decision now.

English isn't my first language But I hope you get what I mean.

This was his choice, his decision. You aren't responsible for his decision to cheat. I wish you all the best going forward.

(((Jerseywife)))

Your story touched me deeply. I don't understand these men who use their wives' illnesses as an excuse to lie, cheat, and betray. It's pathetic. It's like they don't see how hard you're trying in spite of it. They're so selfish that they don't appreciate the gift that's right in front of their eyes.

You have received some very good advice here. Please take it. And please know that you have the support of all of us. I am so angry at your H that I could spit! Anything else I say will be a reflection of that anger.

Hang in there!

(((JerseyWife)))))

Your gracious reply made me feel even worse for you. You were blessed though, and managed to not take the paralysis diagnosis 'laying down.' Good for you.

I understand that physical and medical limitations don't allow for you to ski or hike, etc. etc. I understand you couldn't swing from the chandeliers and pander to him every second of the day.

But that CERTAINLY didn't mean he had a license to cheat on you and continually disrespect you for almost 20 years.

He's the type of cheater that wants all the trappings of marriage - a loving wife to come home to, kids who are happy and well adjusted (with VERY little involvement on his part), the white picket fence, a clean home and hot meals and clean clothes all provided for him, and the social admiration of friends, family and neighbors for being a successful businessman with a lovely family.

However, he also felt he deserved to have himself a playmate on the side. And YOU continually paid the emotional price for it while he continued this disrespectful crap year after year after year.

You don't do something this ghastly for 18 years straight - SEEING the devastation it's caused you over and over and over and over and over - and get to claim how 'sorry' he is for it. "Sorry" means nothing at this point. And it's the epitome of arrogance to even THINK he deserves yet another chance and your forgiveness yet again.

I would absolutely do your level best to get spousal support and anything else your lawyer can get you. But do know - a HUGE part of his desire not to divorce is for financial reasons. Not for love because he's proven over and over and over again that he's incapable of loving anyone but himself.

As I said, please get to a lawyer as soon as possible. He's untrustworthy and everything he DOES is for Number #1, so you need to protect yourself financially and try to prevent him from hiding assets. He can't be trusted as far as you can throw him.

Sending you positive thoughts. You've got this.

P. S. There's a Homewrecker's website? I'm intrigued...

I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this group!!!!

Please don't feel sorry for me, I'm stronger than this comes off. I've had quite the challenges throughout my life to build that strength. So I'll get through this as well. I worry most for my kids and what they are taking from all of this. It breaks my heart seeing them in pain.

I don't want my friends to be burdened with my mess. Who wants to hear about my sorrows day in and day out.

I told my sister and 2 of my closest friends, but to continually whine to them about this mess? I can't do that to them. So I keep to myself these days just reflecting, writing and walking.

It helped me more than you know write this all down and to hear from so many of you. This story is just so complicated. Reading it back makes me wonder how I could have been so blind/ stupid. Even after everything, I still haven't gotten angry at him. Yes, I'm mad, but I'm more hurt. Hurt someone could even think to do this to another human being, let alone his wife. So why do I feel bad for him? Feel bad he's living alone, with no one to talk to. Even the kids have been brushing him off. That alone has to be the worst part. But you do reap what you sow. He didn't think of them when he did this.

Looking back, He didn't think of anyone but himself for many many years. I enabled him. I felt because he worked so hard, he deserved to do, have, be whatever he wanted. I see now he brainwashed me. Time for the detoxing to begin. Time for me. Once I climb out of the darkness that is.

So, I Just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It's amazing therapy. 😘

[This message edited by Jerseywife at 8:19 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Your illness wasn't why he cheated. He was why he cheated. Don't accept the blame for his inadequacies

[This message edited by Jerseywife at 9:21 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Jerseywife, you are new, so you have to remove those websites. Anything you post that links to something offsite has to be approved by the moderators of this site.

I'm a Jersey wife as well. Jersey strong!

Take time to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

[This message edited by annb at 9:09 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Just stopping by to give you a virtual hug. (((Jerseywife)))

You are obviously incredibly strong, but I still shed a few tears reading your story. It is just so heartbreaking to see that any human can hurt another one - the one they vowed to love, honor, and cherish - to this degree.

I completely understand the great heart break for hurting your kids. That has always been a raw subject for me. My own children have been heavily impacted by all of this, and it is probably the one sticking a point where I have struggled to find any forgiveness. "You can hurt me, but don't mess with my kids!" Infidelity, and the example it sets, reverberates for generations.

I am glad you sound so strong and committed to taking care of yourself first. That is all very good. Please don't hold back from sharing with your friends. I am a similar type of person who doesn't want to burden others with my problems, but it is truly therapeutic to get the support of family and friends. And it has surprised me at how much they want to offer their love and support to me. Please let them. It is very healing.

As far as your WH goes, I am not inclined to tell you to show him mercy. I would hire a shark lawyer and make sure that you are well taken care of. He vowed to be there for you in sickness and in health, and if he is not going to be around to do that, his money should be! You deserve that.

Wishing you continued strength, courage, and eventual peace!