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I believe she has genuine remorse, but I do think the pregnancy was a huge part of this wake up call.

She's not remorseful. The only reason you know is because she couldn't hide it once the baby was born. If her OM had been your race , you would have never gotten a confession. If you choose to stay with her be prepared for a life full of doubt and lack of trust of your wife.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 5:05 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

She isn't remorseful, and you will never get over the affair if you have to raise another mans baby. I think you should leave her, can you really look at yourself in the mirror while raising another mans kid? I feel like this is one of those things in infidelity that is impossible to truly ever heal from.

Easy answer. You don't face it. You divorce her and let this loser she was screwing behind your back support his child. Please, I beg you, have some self-respect or you'll ruin your life.

redbarron, one of the most awesome things I've ever read on any infidelity site and I agree 100%.

You could have your wife take a lie detector test, either a polygraph or a voice stress analysis. Ask if she's told you about all the affairs she's ever had. The person administering the test will be able to offer guidance on how to phrase the questions.

Could you raise this child as your own? See a lawyer to learn what your obligations to this child would be if you do divorce at some point, either now or sometime after the baby is born. Can the AP's parental rights be terminated so he's not a part of your life going forward if you stay together? Your wife probably did confess only because her AP is black, but that doesn't mean this isn't a wake up call for her. Look at her actions, rather than her words. Is she seeing a counselor to learn why she cheated and how to fix herself?

Redbaron

The truth is hard to hear. Yet, every single word you've said is the bare naked truth. You were heard redbaron. Your input was taken to heart. Thank you.

OP

1. Listen to redbaron, please. He's spot on.

2. Read my story to understand why he is (and there is no comparison between our wive's affairs, their reactions, the consequences and the outcomes)

3. Don't do the same mistake.

Redbarons post is so on point. All I can say is finally

being pregnant is just more of the crap sandwich. but reality is that well over 90% of cheating spouses dont use protection (it evidently interferes with the escapism from reality inherent to an affair).

its a there but for the grace of god or luck that our ws A didnt have this situation.

alot of posters like to state how its incredible she got pregnant and claim it was disrespectful whereas its just random luck. her getting pregnant probably feels like a personal attack, its not. she didnt think or care about risks to her health and she didnt think or care about pregnancy either. it didnt exist before she got pregnant because no cheater really considers it likely or even possible.

reality cant intrude on an affair ... until it does.

and not to t/j but i disagree red baron. we do see the two types of never reconcile and reconcile no matter what but there are many more shades in between those two polar extremes.

but i do not think your ww has remorse. i think she confessed because she had too. what did om say when she told him she was pregnant? throw her under the bus? if shed not gotten pregnan would she still be seeing him?

and remorse isnt about her pain. its about yours, the wronged party.

Responding as a member...

Brokenchem my heart breaks for you and the situation you find yourself in. You certainly have a difficult decision ahead of you.

None of us here know your wife. None of us really know how she is responding to you now, but we do know what you have told us.....she trickle truthed you. My guess is that she was panicking as she suspected the pregnancy and so started preparing you. Quite frankly, the way she did it was appalling. I also agree with another poster who said that she probably wouldn't have even told you about the A if she wasn't having a mixed race baby however I know that is purely speculation on my part.

You really do need legal advice no matter if you're leaning towards R or D. You need to make informed decisions about your future so get as much information as possible.

Is the OM married? If so his BS needs to know what's happening.

If you decide to R would you consider adopting the OC?

You need to see a counsellor just for you. This is too much to handle alone and you need someone who is entirely on your side while you wade through this. I'm a strong proponent of mc but now is not the time for that. You need to help you first before you can even consider helping the marriage.

Finally, I have to say that redbarron's post sounds like a lot of macho crap to me. There is no way that every man here falls into those 2 catagories and it reeks to me of bullying. Don't let him convince you that you are any less of a strong, worthwhile, man's man if you don't choose to kick her to the curb immediately and D. This is your life to live and not his or anyone elses. We are all very different people doing our best to navigate difficult situations. Just because one chooses a burnt earth policy and it works for them doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

As we always say here.... read the advice given to you, take what works for you and leave the rest.

Please keep posting, this is a safe place for you to work through your feelings.

JMO

Choosing a woman to become a wife is tough. You really want to know if she's going to be a honorable woman. If she's divorced or with kids from another man, you REALLY have to do your homework.

Sounds like you let your guard down because you knew her from your distant past but how well did you really know her before you put a ring on it?

There should be no debate. You need to just bounce.

Continuing to white knight is just going to lead to further heart break.

Brokenchem,

Welcome to SI. Gosh, I'm sorry you're here, but so glad you made it.

There is such a variety of opinions here, aren't there? In short, I've had 5 different women cheat on me. The first four, I dumped immediately, I am trying to reconcile this time. Oh, heck, I am after 5 years. What's the difference? Anybody can cheat my friend, anybody. I finally realized that a *truly* remorseful spouse was safer than an unknown.

I had my choice between an athletic or an academic scholarship. I am in the top 20% of earners. I am damned good looking. I'm a great Dad. I won custody of my son(full) in my D from my first wife. She took it all the way to the State supreme court. I AM a prize. So are you!!

Listen, the 180(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11) is absolutely for you. It is NOT designed for anything other than to give you the space/time to build yourself to the point of being able to make a decision not based on just emotion, but what is truly best for you.

I am so, so sorry that you find yourself here. Please keep posting. We can and will help. There are actually several members here that are raising the OM's child. We've been there.

Let us help

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:35 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

... this is absolutely, positively the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is luminous, kind, generous and beautiful. I adore her.

My wife came to me a few weeks ago and told me she's pregnant. I've never had a child and I was ecstatic, but in the pit of my stomach I was afraid. I've wanted to have a baby, we both have, for about two years, but we have had fertility issues.

Then it happened... Slowly she started to confess. Over the course of two weeks she started to come clean.

Day by day a new revelation... She had slept with someone else a couple times, but it wasn't at the time she got pregnant. The ultrasound I was excited didn't line up with the timing she had said.

Then she said it was at the same time, that she had gotten the time wrong, but they used protection, so it probably is mine.

Then she told me she that on one of the times she slept with him, the second time they had sex he didn't use a condom, but he pulled out.

Then she told me she's not sure he pulled out.

Then she told me she's almost certain it's not mine - that she's not sure he pulled out.

We did a test pre-natal test and it's not my child.

Dear Brokenchem,

Your WW is anything but a kind, generous person. Rather, she is an abuser and a manipulator.

Think for a minute about what she did to you. Not only did she cheat on you and allow herself to be impregnated by another man, she broke the news of her pregnancy to you in a way designed to suck you in and then, slowly and carefully, revealed the truth bit by bit in order to confuse and control you.

You have a choice to make. Will you stay with a woman who has taken advantage of you in a way that is almost unimaginably cruel, or will you put her out of your life and find someone who is deserving of your love and devotion?

If that isn't enough to help you do what is best for you, ask yourself the following question. If this had happened to your brother or best friend, what would you advise him?

You have it within your power to extricate yourself from this horrendous situation.

If you are still confused, I suggest you read "No More Mister Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover (you can download it for free here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf). It will help you overcome the "nice guy" attitude that prevents you from seeing clearly what has happened to you and how you can recover from it.

Wishing you well.

Brokenchem - I'm so sorry for your pain, you don't deserve any of this.

Please talk to a lawyer asap so that you understand your rights and responsibilities.

You have already gotten some good advice, but here is another possibility: since none of the children is yours, divorce your cheating wife asap even while you are still considering whether you want to reconcile with her or not.

That said, from my position as far out from Dday as I am is to divorce your cheating wife and never look back. You deserve so much better, and there IS better out there.

((((Brokenchem))))

Brokenchem, There's a forum on SI called 'I Can Relate'. In it you'll find a thread on dealing with OCs. I recommend checking it out.

*************************

I'm amazed. How can anyone in this day and age think there are only 2 types of people, men or women, except for the purposes of joking? And how can anyone think, on the basis of one anonymous post, that s/he can possibly know what the best solution is for that anonymous poster?

Thinking there are only 2 types of men is weakness, not strength. A strong person would seek first to understand more about Brokenchem before recommending either D or R. A strong person would remember that people are like rainbows, with immense amounts of shading in terms of strengths, weaknesses, desires, fears.

Among other things, it's the person with low self-esteem, IMO, who feels forced into an action because of something someone else did.

A person with high self esteem would instead ask himself, 'What do I want? What are my options? What are the parameters on which I'll make my decision?' Then he'll decide and act to implement his decision.

If you are authentic, you keep your man card whether you D or R. If you're inauthentic, you lose it, whether you D or R.

Brokenchem, it's clear that you're in shock right now. That's pretty normal. You've been traumatized, and it takes time to get your bearings back - think 3 to 6 months for you to regain enough equilibrium to think straight. It might come sooner, but if it takes 6 months, you're still in the range of normality.

You've gotten a lot of advice to kill your M now. I believe that all (certainly almost all) comes from people who have not experienced an OC ('other child' - a child of an A). They forget that it's pretty much impossible to know how one will react to a traumatic situation unless they are in it.

There are no rules for your sitch. You pretty much get to do what you want - you can hold your head high whether you D or R.

The most important question you need to answer is 'What do I want?' If you want R, you need to ask if your W will do the necessary work, and you need to be ready to walk away if she isn't. D may be easier in some ways in the short term, but it's by no means easy.

I agree with the advice to lawyer up. I don't know if your W is remorseful or not. Have you seen the info on remorse in the Healing Library (linked from yellow box in the upper left of SI pages)?

What has your W done that makes you think she's remorseful?

I would bet all BHes feel humiliated and emasculated. Part of recovery is getting that shit out of one's head. Stick around here, and you'll see people getting over the humiliation.

WRT emasculation, you're still in one piece. You might go into HB (hysterical bonding), which is a way many people reclaim their sexual abilities. Others don't - if that's you, you will eventually realize you've just held your sexual energy for someone who's worth it.

You can heal. You can survive. You can actually thrive - whether you D or R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:35 AM, April 17th (Monday)]

I don't believe she has emasculated and humiliated you with this, not yet. It is your reaction now that will do that.

People have made a lot of good points here and I think you need to listen to them but here is one I don't think I've seen yet. How fair is this going to be to this baby? What are you going to tell him as he gets older? Obviously he will know you are not his father so you will lie to say he is adopted? What if the other man shows up later? How will you deal with that? How will you be able to be a good father to the living, breathing innocent symbol of your wife's infidelity? How will you answer the questions you will surely get every single day from people without screaming? Can you really do that and not take out your frustrations on this innocent?

If you can then you are a better man than me. Please see an attorney soon and at least know your rights and when ti will be too late and you are stuck paying for your wife's mistake for years.

I completely agree with the whole post from anoldlion, but especially this portion...

(1) You are in a relationship where there are 4 children and one on the way....NONE of which are yours.

(2)You have only been married 6 years and she already cheated on you and traded you in for someone else.

(3)She is a consummate and practiced liar. You can't believe anything she says.

You have nothing to lose by getting a lawyer and filing for D at this point, just don't wait too long or you will be on the hook for his kid.

You can work on your relationship with her later as a non-married couple if you wish, but get the M dissolved ASAP.

I would think long and hard about wanting to stay with a person and raise another man's child that is a constant reminder of the affair. I couldn't do it. You have no obligation in any of this. She chose to cheat and was stupid enough to have unprotected sex. I'm sure you have become attached to her children over the years, but they aren't yours. She fucked it all up and the healthiest route is divorce. I think this is just too much for any man to bear.

Red baron Thank you for that post..The tone of your post may be harsh..But I can see lot of truth in it.My humble opinion is that the 'only' word should have excluded.Lot of men still suffers from adultery for many reasons you don't pointed out.But you covered the other lot of men.I believe a person's strength to face the adultery varies with lot of factors..The way they brought up,self confidence,Pityness,Religion,finance,narcism, phobias,love,fear,children etc..These emotions will overpowers the integrity,core beliefs kind of things in the immediate aftermath of adultery..So the desperation automatically begins one way or another..Thanks..

Why are you staying with this woman Broken ?

I agree with Randy 100%. Save the DNA results and give it to a lawyer immediatly to start the clock ticking. The time it takes to have the D go through should be more than ample time to make a decision.