SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This happened to someone I used to work with. He was a religious guy, and he accepted the child as his own, but it broke him. He ended up pretty much losing his mind.Quit his job to drag a cross around the country. Eventually went to jail for secretly recording custody hearings.

Sometimes I just have to speak, so T/J

To Red Baron

I am a classic nice guy per Dr whoevers definition. Before the A I had my wife on a pedestal. After, while no longer on a pedestal, I continued to treat her like a Queen. Because I'm a nice guy. I reconciled and remained married. Never punished , screamed at or mistreated her. Rug swept way too much.

Oh, and I should tell you. I am a trial attorney recognized in surveys of my peers as one of the best in my city for the last 30 years. Faced down opposing counsel, hostile witnesses and biased judges in more trials than I can remember. Money you say? Top 2%. Other women? Many have flirted even though I don't reciprocate.

SO, am I not a "real man"? Am I pathetic? Do you tower above me in masculinity? And to all of you who climbed on his wagon --- Really?

End T/J

Brokenchem, something often said to juries in Closing Argument applies to every BS. Ther is no right answer and there is no wrong answer. There is only YOUR answer. You have to look into yourself and find what is right for you. And that, then, is your answer. People here can tell you that you are a wimp if you don't D immediately and others can tell you you are stupid if you don't try to R. It's good to read and consider other opinions of people who have BTDT. Take it all in . Weigh it. And then decide what is right for you.

Your situation is rather extreme even by SI standards so I know you are in agony. Since you don't have other kids of your own with her, I probably would D. But I say that haltingly because one thing I have learned in life is that what we boastfully, say we would do if faced with a hypothetical situation is not always what we do when the situation actually arises. I always said I would D immediately if my W ever cheated. But when that 1 1/2 year A happened, I didn't. So my advice: ignore those who call you names and try to shame you into a direction but read carefully what all the others offer in analysis and advice. There is a lot of wisdom on SI. And weigh it all. And then do what is right for you.

[This message edited by 1985 at 3:59 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

none of us have to live your life and regardless of what you decide you got our support.

Inappropriate Response

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:40 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

actually the generalized attack was on bh who decide to r. if you file for d you are a strong successful man whereas if you try to r you are a beta weakling ... remember? that got some response.

what white and black thinking, very dogmatic.

the problem with stereotypes is they usually break down when dealing with individuals.

decide this is a deal breaker or decide to try R is individual.

i get redbarons point - alot do come in committed to R no matter how few crumbs ws tosses them. sometimes blatantly unapologetic, no remorse, and actual defiance from ws and bs are still not even considering there is nothing there to R with.

all we can do is advise, guide, and help. calling some bs whos life just got nuked a weak beta isnt advising them but it is hectoring them. it does encourage them to stop coming back thus they disappear and dont get any help nor help others.

assaulting people who arent sure or lean towards R doesnt help them, doesnt help si, and doesnt help the anyone.

try advising and guiding vs telling. its received better and has a more positive effect. sometimes a 2x4 is needed but it can be delivered gently and with love.

remember, this guys life just got nuked. he was hit by surprise. hes lost, floundering, and reached out. dont make him regret it.

Bravo William. I think the takeaway here is people come here for advice and solace from people who have been in their shoes, not to be further belittled for how they are handling an already shitty situation. If the alpha male red pilled divorce-at-all costs crowd are so fucking smart and know how to assert their masculinity and handle their wayward spouses then how did they wind up here in the first place?

You really can tell this site was set up by a Ww and her hapless husband .

You write with such certitude. On what do you base it? I can't imagine you know MH well.

Look, dissing people you don't know doesn't help you assuage your pain.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:40 PM, April 17th (Monday)]

Devonman - not only did MH and DS start this site, they also OWN IT. If you don't like it here, feel free to find another site - I'm sure MH won't notice your absence...

Brokenchem:

I always advocate for divorcing a remorseless spouse - you just can't reconcile with a cheating spouse who doesn't or won't try to comprehend the damage they have done. It has nothing to do with the bull in redbarons post...first determine whether she is remorseful - not regretful - but true remorse...then decide if infidelity is a dealbreaker. It is for some - and that's okay.

Definitely the pregnancy makes this more difficult. Are you willing to raise this child? What if OM finds out and wants visitation...he'll be in your life for the next 18 years...

We have an amazing support base here - filled with good men, some who've divorced and some who are reconciling. Both can offer you insight to help you decide which man you are - either a good man who divorces or a good man who reconciles...

So… About 24 hours after Brokenchem is told his indecisiveness probably makes him a loser he sees no need to make a third post…

I wonder why…

Bravo… I think this is a new low in SI posting. It’s going to be tough finding quicker and more effective ways to drive away those seeking advice.

Broken – If you do come back then keep in mind the points of view will be varied. You will get good advice and there are undeniably a few posts that are IMHO simply a waste of digital storage.

Too much emphasis is placed on whether to reconcile or divorce. That’s not the goal… The goal is to get out of infidelity. Right now, you really don’t know if you have the option to reconcile. It’s too early. You have yet to see if your wife is willing to do the work and if you are willing to do what’s needed…

The pregnancy does place a special kind of pressure on you and I want to focus on that:

Can you raise another man’s child? Frankly then if you could then to me that would indicate you fall into the first group RB talks about – the strong confident group. Be aware and clear of the pressure this will place on you. A weak man wouldn’t take on this tough job…

Men raise other men’s children all the time. You are raising four already. Step-dads, foster-dads, adopted kids… The child isn’t the problem, the problem is your wife’s infidelity. That child will be a constant reminder. Can you deal with that?

I’m not doubting you can, but I am asking you to be clear on if you could take on this task…

Then there is the purely biological standpoint: This kid isn’t your biological kid. Do you two plan on letting the true paternity to be known? After all – the kid might be the only blond in the family, the only relative under five-foot-high, or his blood-group be out of sync with you two, or he have genetic issues that must be explained.

IMHO the truth is always best. I think having the true paternity in the clear is always the best path. But you two really need to think that through.

Then there is the legal POV. As her husband, you are automatically assumed the father. Are you ready for that? There is a window that you need to decide on: Are you going to assume the legal role as father? Keep in mind it’s going to take 2 years or so before you know if your marriage will survive her infidelity. Want to sit up with 18 years of child support for another man’s child?

Be clear on this: Waving a DNA result some months after birth won’t necessarily get you off the hook as her legal father (and therefore the one paying child support). You have a window – limited time – where the process must be cleared. That DNA result? Won’t make much difference once the legal window closes. You need to ensure your legal standing ASAP.

Broken – IMHO irrespective of D or R you should learn your legal rights and contemplate the moral issues regarding the child’s paternity. I can’t tell you what to do but I could share how I would probably want to deal with this if I was in your shoes:

I would want the OM to be the father on the birth-certificate.

Since he’s an absentee father then you would be the de-facto father.

Chances are he won’t be too happy facing 18 years of child-support. If your marriage makes it and if you and WW truly reconcile then consider adoption. I’m guessing OM would be fine with you legally adopting the child at age 2-5 when (and if) your marriage can reconcile. That gets him off the hook for CS and gives you time to work on the marriage without the pressure of a child you probably wouldn’t want to have around IF you divorced.

Finally, BrokenC… Right now, you want out of infidelity… Simply getting pregnant won’t make your wife realize why she had sex with other men. She needs to work hard on discovering what inside her is so broken she thinks that’s a swell idea. You two doing counseling… I assume you are referring to marriage counseling… that’s OK, but she didn’t cheat because of the marriage or because of you. MC won’t fix what’s wrong in her. MC would be like the healthy left leg trying to learn how to run with the broken right leg. It won’t get you two far.

Broken

Let me start by saying that I'm sorry you are here but despite the secondary conversation surrounding your thread, I hope you are still reading.

Infidelity and whether you decide to D or R have nothing to do with masculinity, machismo, manhood or any other such nonsense. In fact, it takes much more courage and honor to try and R. The risk reward doesn't make any sense in most cases.

I tried to R and had a list of demands that accompanied it. The main three were that she respect me, tell me the truth, and remain faithful. Didn't happen. None of that makes me less of a man but it does make her a disrespectful, lying, serial cheater.

I experienced a similar situation with the pre and post natal paternity tests. DD was confirmed to be mine but I understand the agony this brings to a man. No one could possibly understand it unless they've gone through it. Everything your feeling and thinking is the normal course of events.

I'd like to offer you some advice and insight that I learned the hard way.

1. Get your ass to a good Family Law Attorney, immediately. You already know what she is capable of. Do you honestly think if things turn south she won't do everything she can to rip you apart financially in court? 5 kids, different men, and no means of substantial support?

2. Don't believe a word she says without verifiable proof. You don't know 1/100th of what happened at this point and she won't give up that other 99% willingly. Look at the lies she has already told you.

3. Document and keep everything safe. Courts are not fair or equitable. They just want someone to pay.

4. This isn't her first rodeo. There have to be a lot boundaries crossed to end up in this situation and for her to engage the behavior she did after finding out she was pregnant.(I don't want to get too explicit but I'm sure you know what I mean) I would recommend you really analyze the physical and emotional acts during this time. Then dig into the past and you'll find an escalating pattern.

5. Do Not Commit to anything at this point! Keep your thoughts and feelings about what you are going to do close to the vest!

6. Keep posting and reading. There is an unbelievable amount of knowledge here.

Wishing you Peace

isitme24

Broken

There are a lot of moving parts with not a lot of good options.

No question you can not hide the affair and that will not only have an impact on you but the entire extended family.

You need to reach out to your and her family as it will impact them too.

It will impact the other four kids as well.

Is terminating the pregnancy an option?

This; I agree with this:

none of us have to live your life and regardless of what you decide you got our support.

Especially in light of the fact that you said you love the other 4 children you have been raising as your own. Some of us on SI initially attempted R purely because of the children we have together. Fortunately, when FWS's are all in, other reasons to remain emerge. In your W's case, I am not so sure. I read what mharris wrote and was deeply saddened. Can you handle facing the result of your W's A day in and day out for the rest of your life? If she is indeed "all in" and you don't want to live without her, you may want to consider what one poster said: putting the child up for adoption. Otherwise....

I don't know why, but it seems like I stirred a storm of trouble. It was by no means my intent.

I wrote because I needed to vent my emotions - not just the events, but the agonizing thoughts I can't extricate from my gut. These were neither thoughts nor details that have been weighed, measured, tabulated, analyzed and carefully constructed. They were outbursts. They are the ammunition that fire on my heart. Base, disgusting, undignified, unfettered pain.

I can postulate an understanding of what everyone says here, even the brash. However, I cannot long persist in that state of clarity and logic without the emotional volcano erupting.

I think, for now, I need to spend time reading about other people's experiences, not writing about mine. I have enough negative self judgments that are torturing me that dealing with another person's projections into my situation just isn't beneficial.

I genuinely appreciate all of the support, though, and it's comforting knowing that my internal tornado is truly normal.

we all hop on a roller coaster of emotions. we pass through emotions. healing, especially in the beginning isnt linear and we move back and forth. eventually, regardless, we pass through it.

this site is a god-send. use it to the max to help yourself then stay to help others and pay it back.

but there will always be people in so much pain on a site like this that it bleeds through into their posts. thats why we say take what you can use and ignore the rest.

keep posting when you are ready. please. we are here for you.

Brokenchem, please feel free to post as you need. Vent your emotions, yell, scream, cry, whatever you need. It's fine if you just want to read too.

When you do post, you'll get all kinds of responses. Some will be very helpful, and some won't. Just know that you're not crazy. You've been dealt a serious blow by the one who you never thought would. Take care of yourself. You will get through this

Brokenchem - you do what YOU need to do to heal.

But: please see a lawyer about this situation. You need to know your legal options, rights and responsibilities, and knowledge is power.

And please feel free to keep posting, whether for information, support, to vent, to update, whatever. You are in one of the most difficult situations of all. We are here for you if/when you need us!

Hang in there. Sending strength your way.

Brokenchem , you no more 'stirred a storm of trouble' here than you caused your wife to stray!!

I'm just glad you came back to read and posted so that those who are concerned about you and the situation you are in know you are as okay as you (or anyone in the early days) can be...

May I suggest you read, take what you need and leave the rest?

I always find it helpful to consider another members date of joining and number of posts a good indication of how much they have seen and learned on SI and how valuable them sharing their wisdom may be

[This message edited by earthangel at 11:04 AM, April 20th (Thursday)]

Brokenchem,

You didn't stir up anything. Some people are blunt and to the point, some calculated and some people prefer kid's gloves. I don't think either way is wrong but I am in the first group and I hate the infighting here at times but be assured, none of the people on this board are here to hurt you. NONE

I am not a big 'take what you need and leave everything else' guy. Because right now, you don't know what you need so 'leaving the rest' is actually leaving behind some things you may need later. I would suggest that you don't take the back and forth to heart. There are just different schools of thought and different deliveries.

What I do know is that your situation is really messed up and while I agree at least in part what Red Baron said and his candor, I understand some other views on the subject too. Such as being afraid of financial loss in some cases

IMO, you sound like a nice guy who took in a big family that was not yours and a wife who you felt appreciated it. Instead, she does this to you and it has to be a royal mind fuck.

It leads me to question what occurred in her prior relationships. None-the-less, now there is a 5th child coming, again who won't be yours, and with multiple fathers. This is grossly unfair to you and only adds to your burden, a burden you didn't ask for.

If you decide to walk, are you on the hook for the other 4 kids ? Do you want to be on the hook for them ? If so, then what protects you from her future actions ? if you decide to leave, is there any rights that you will have with the kids since you have grown close to them ? I think probably not. If you stay because of the kids, you have no assurances of her future behavior.

You may have a clean break here from someone who doesn't respect you IMO and someone who will now have the burden of a 5th child.

Up to you ....

I think, for now, I need to spend time reading about other people's experiences, not writing about mine.

Hey Brokenchem -- Reading every forum every post for a while really, really did help me a bunch. You will quickly learn you are not on an island, that this unfortunate world you find yourself in is well populated with injured souls.

The storm in the thread is simply a reminder how much pain this stuff can cause and each person wants to share the approach that helped them survive this emotional trauma.

But as others have said, don't be shy.

I had SO many questions to begin with and found people with very similar sets of circumstances along the way.

Peace and strength to you.