SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, Broken, please post when you are ready.

IMO you did not stir up a storm, all of us in the forum have had to deal with this nuclear bomb being dropped on our lives. You are dealing with so much more due to the pregnancy.

Understand many of us have been on this board for years. Most don't tiptoe around the issue, we are straightforward and maybe sometimes a little too hard on a new member. It's because we have seen over and over again that being too nice and not standing up for yourself doesn't solve the problem, it only exacerbates it. It's a pattern we have seen all too often, and we don't want the newbies to make the same mistakes many here did. You do have to follow your own path, but IMO you need to do it decisively when you are ready.

Many new members are not ready to make a decision and are still in shock, but the best path to healing is trying to figure out a path out of this mess.

I have a "friend" I met on this board. Her WH got the OW pregnant. She tried like hell to salvage what was left of the marriage. She almost lost herself doing it. She finally took a stand and walked away, reluctantly bc she did love her WH...but the thought of someone else's child was too much to bear.

Today, she is extremely happy, married to a wonderful, faithful man. They adopted a child, and lo and behold, last year they had a miracle baby. Looking back, she regrets not getting out of her misery sooner.

I'm just posting this story because I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have to do what's best for YOU.

I'm so sorry for the position you are in. It's gut wrenching. Some BS can reach a decision very rapidly about what they need to do. I wasn't one of them.

I am just recommending that you follow advice given above and consult a lawyer about your position. If you wait too long you may have to provide for this child for the rest of your life with it being obvious that the child isn't yours. Please find out the legality of your position. Find out your responsibility for the other 4 children and for the unborn child.

It's been postulated above that this may not be your WW's first rodeo. It's just the one she couldn't easily hide anymore. I wonder the same. I wonder if you aren't just a meal ticket for WW and her other 4 children. You might be just a utility for her to use so she has a solid base from which to cheat. Remember she's a very good actor and liar. I'm assuming you didn't know she as committing adultery until she confessed and she only confessed and TT'd because she wouldn't be able to hide it nor the genetics of the child when born.

It's a shit show, for sure, Brokenchem. I'm supposed to be analytical and a decision maker. I couldn't make a decision for the life of me following DDay. I understand the waffling, uncertainty, anguish, shell-shock, PTSD. I didn't have a deadline, other than my advancing age, to make decisions. You, IMO, do have a deadline. Time is of the essence. Delaying too long could cost you dearly for the rest of your life. That might be okay if that's your choice but do you want the decision to be made for you?

I'm generally pro R. I won't have it in my marriage, though. It seems to me that you really have no basis to try and save/rescue the marriage or WW. I feel, in this case, like many others above have indicated that there is nothing to save. Nonetheless, it's your decision and you'll have to live with it.

But please contact a lawyer and find out your rights and legal status before it's too late. File for D, even, so it's in the works. You don't have to complete it. Just protect yourself.

Remember, your WW has proven to be a great actress and an accomplished liar. She will pull out all stops to selfishly do damage control and minimize the impact on her. I'm so sorry for the anguish you're in.

I think, for now, I need to spend time reading about other people's experiences, not writing about mine. I have enough negative self judgments that are torturing me that dealing with another person's projections into my situation just isn't beneficial.

Very insightful, Brokenchem.

Good luck to you.

When I first arrived, it seemed that literally every single time I had something I wanted to post, someone else *beat me to it*. I always was able to find something similar.

Post when you are ready.

Sending you strength brother

I agree with Steadychevy's post exactly.

Every word of it

Just hugs....(((broken)))

You've been good to her and her kids and you don't deserve any of the shit she has rained down upon you.

Please KNOW (really know it, deep down) that this is NOT a reflection on you. This is all her failings, not yours.

Wishing you the very best.

Brokenchem,

I’m one of those that believe in action. I agree with Western that you can’t always cherry-pick the advice and suggestions that are most convenient to you right now… If I remember correctly then Western has a law-enforcement background, just like me. I guess we both know that if you are talking to someone in a dire situation you can’t always pussyfoot around. Like if you were in the second-floor window of a burning house then suggesting the flames might be cozy or that you have unlimited time to jump or suggesting you spread your wings and fly… none of that would work. We would be screaming at you to jump and to h@ll with the possibility of a twisted ankle or broken leg. We would KNOW action was required and no matter the possible pain then it would beat the option of dying in the flames.

IMHO there are only two good ways out of infidelity. You either reconcile or you divorce. The third all-too-often taken option is when things settle down to some form of “normalcy” and you and WW start getting along without dealing what caused the affair. Do that and your marriage is doomed to be miserable.

Right now, you don’t have to decide. You don’t have to decide if you want to or can R or D. There is only ONE THING you need to decide IMHO: You need to decide that you want OUT of infidelity!

Think about this for a minute: What would be the absolute worst outcome 12 months from now? Or 24 months from now? Or 36 months from now? I don’t think the worst outcome would be raising another man’s child with a wife committed to reconciliation. Nor would it be finalizing a divorce from a wife that has just had another man’s child. IMHO the worst outcome 12-24-36 months from now would be discovering the affair is ongoing, or a new man is in her life. REMAINGING in infidelity… that’s the absolute worst outcome.

So, with time you will need to decide how you want to reach your destination of being out of infidelity. R or D… that’s more like selecting the track out of infidelity. Do you want the rough mountain-track of reconciliation with its ups and downs and roadblocks or do you want the desert-track of divorce with its’ thirst and heat and pain?

This is where I have my issues with those that suggest one road is “better” than the other. Both are tough and both require immense work. There are differences; to D all you need is a will to D. To R you need joint commitment. One you have relatively good control over, the other requires cooperation and that you travel together. Both are fully valid and BOTH require determination and commitment. Neither are for the weak.

But you don’t have to decide NOW. You do have some time, but I strongly suggest you use the next days and weeks to really think what path might be the one you want.

However, … The pregnancy does set some time-constraints on you. You need to look at the issues I and several others have pointed out. The legal and ethical issues regarding the paternity and howyou plan on handling them. You won’t find many comparable cases here on SI so it’s something you probably can’t read about here. You need to do some real tough soul-searching to determine what you can and can’t do.

yes Brokenchem, listen to Bigger. He's one of our best posters. Especially his last paragraph about the legalities of waiting too long regarding the paternity issue. Seek out an attorney with Family Law background in your immediate area (County or state) for advisement. Look up some at your local BAR (legal association BAR) and do some checking on reviews and find a good, competent one. Also ask about legalities and responsibilities for the 4 children you have been helping raise.

Bigger, yes, 24 years in a major metropolitan area department. One year left to full retirement. 48 years old. I agree with you too. In my case files when a detective, I would keep all facts that I could find because one set would be relevant in the now but some became relevant later because situations change. When in patrol, decisive and effective action produced the best results. I am glad that I have a fellow poster with LEO experience here who sees it the same way.

Here, some can be all about R then within days be headed to D or vice versa. Infidelity is a mind fuck and many BS are indecisive. They need to be both decisive and quick on their feet to stay one step ahead IMO

Out of infidelity first, then to a better place next R or D

Again I wouldn't stay but I am not you and don't speak for you. But you have a limited period to shed yourself of a horrific situation or to be the assertive one and take the upper hand. If you remain in this, you have to be the one in control.

[This message edited by Western at 9:42 AM, April 21st (Friday)]

t/j...

Bigger.....

Thank you.

For your insights.

For being in the first category.

But mostly for always making the effort to keep the focus on the poster in pain.

end t/j

How do you manage all the feelings when life still has to go on? I feel like the moment work ends I just want to go to bed.

I have an appointment with an attorney and a therapist.

I feel like I keep waiting for this to disappear and I can go back to the life I thought I had.

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

I keep feeling more withdrawn.

She was sexual with me last night and I feel like shit because of it. I didn't want to, but I craved the release. Now I feel disgusted by me for letting it happen and like I used her, which I've never felt before.

I don't know what the f I'm doing.

BC,

You had nothing to do with her cheating , that fraction comment was blameshifting, don't take any responsibility for her affair, you didn't cause this !

Start the 180 and begin detaching from her... This will help clear your head and if you can avoid sleeping with her...This will only add to your confusion .

Has she gotten tested for STD's yet?

CDB

Listen, it's normal to want the closeness of sex after such a betrayal. Don't beat yourself up over it.

None of us knew what we were doing when we went through this. Just continue to follow the advice given here. You can do this. It does gradually get better with time. There were so many days that I didn't want to face anyone, yet I had to.

I'm a year out and all I can say is that dreaded for letter word...T-I-M-E!

You've got this. When you give in to her, just shake yourself off and go harder the next time. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

If you are such a bad husband why does she want to stay married.

If she blames you the chance of true r is very low.

I'm wondering why you are still with her, none of these children are yours, and if you don't get some legal help, this one will be your responsibility even though its not yours.

Dude, you need to get out of this M as fast as possible...there is no good outcome for you here.

Wow, we say this is a roller coaster, but you, my friend, got the one that hits 5Gs and then goes through the gator-infested swamp before going upside down through the ring of fire. After you bonged down the nachos and the mini donuts and drank a thing of soda. Infidelity sucks, big time. Damn sorry you had to find us.

I'm so, so sorry for your situation. I found out about my husband's affair 6 weeks before kid #3 was born and the loss of joy around her birth was such a huge source of pain for me.

You sound like a smart, sensible person. You are dealing with the most incredible pain imaginable while managing to post about how you are feeling and moving forward with both therapy and an attorney.

The most important thing you may do in the days and weeks ahead is simply to take care of yourself: to keep your mental and physical health from going totally off the rails so that you can function and even start to heal. You don't have to make any decisions today or next week or even next month. You do need to drink water, eat what you can manage, and stretch your legs and find ways to metabolize the anger and the multitude of feelings that don't even yet have names.

We're here for you. We understand how disorienting this is and even though we've all had different choices at the shit sandwich buffet, hopefully you can use this space to hear yourself better and get perspective that helps you move forward.

Brokenchem,

It‘s an extremely rare case where a wayward spouse admits and accepts total and utter accountability for their actions.

I’m a former cop and early on an experienced officer pointed out to me that no matter what they had done (nearly) everyone would find some excuse to mitigate their actions. Like “she wanted it rough, it wasn’t really rape” or “He shouldn’t have walked this street – EVERYONE knows it’s high crime” or “I had to hit her, she was late from work” or “I only sell drugs to those that want them” or whatever. It was an extremely rare case where someone would simply acknowledge that what they had done was wrong and nobody else’s fault.

A major part of reconciliation is for the WS to realize this and embrace. Your wife isn’t there yet and maybe she never will be. She might be telling you the truth that for HER she felt you didn’t show her attention, but even IF that’s true then her reaction – having an affair – is totally her fault and a bad decision.

Fault and decision being key-phrases. If YOUR actions MADE HER must have an affair, then there is NO WAY POSSIBLE that you can prevent any chance of a repeat affair. Who knows – maybe you don’t do the dishes and therefore she must give the cute guy a BJ. Your whole future will be spent wondering if YOUR actions might cause HER to have an affair. A MAJOR KEY FACTOR is for her to realize that there might be issues, but that there are correct ways and there are wrong ways to deal with them. No attention = serious relationship talk but NOT put on make-up, dress sexy and a pickup at a singles bar.

IF she EVER lays the “it’s your fault” line on your reply should be on this path:

“It’s a shame you feel that way but at the same time a great relief. IF you truly think your decision to cheat is MY FAULT then it’s clear that no matter what I want we will NEVER get true reconciliation. Who knows, maybe 1-2 years from now I might do something that will then make you have to cheat. I can’t prevent you from reacting in the wrong way and since you insist this is MY fault then the only way I can get out of infidelity is by us ending this relationship. It’s not necessarily what I want, but at least I know where I’m headed.”

And finally Broken:

I’m going to do my drill-sergeant impersonation now: Trauma like you are dealing with often kills any ability to act. Listen mister…. You can’t AFFORD not to take action! Get your bony @ss off that chair and get answers to the IMPORTANT and TIME-FACTORED issues that her pregnancy FORCES you to get answers to. Don’t plan on doing it, don’t intend to do it… JUST DO IT!!! NOW!!!!

These questions have NOTHING to do with whether you can reconcile or not but they might be the basis you can build your decision on.

[This message edited by Bigger at 6:12 AM, April 27th (Thursday)]

I've talked with a lawyer, I'm in therapy, I've been taking care of myself...

I still don't know what I'm doing. I have a lot of affection and love for her, but I feel this ache of loss, and my desire has died. I feel a lot of self worth damage.

I feel ok most the time, but when I think about it... the baby... what she did, I break inside, so I end up not thinking about it much and keep in survival/avoidance mode.

I'm not someone to feel so inept and broken, but this is very different than anything I've experienced.

What did the attorney say to you about marriage and child support in your state? Are you on the hook if you remain married? How does the paternity test find into play? Is she still blame-shifting?

What does the lawyer say regarding the baby?

My ic described it as grieving the loss of he image you had of the person. Grieving the loss of your m before this.

I'm sorry you are here. There is an "oc" thread for those with "other children" who have resulted from an affair. Might be useful to read over there.