SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Read stories here and other places. Them read how many times WWs say that they stopped it right after it started, and it was only once.

There is a lot more to the story. She came clean for a reason, mite than likely she feared you were about to find out another way.

I wish you luck.

Gator,

Sorry to see you here, and everyone here knows and understands your pain only too well.

You are on a horrible emotional rollercoaster, and your moods and feelings are likely to change every day. Sometimes several times a day. Sadly, that is 'normal' in an abnormal situation like discovering infidelity. As another poster has said, if it gets hard to bear, please go and see a doctor and tell him what has happened. Doctors know all about this stuff, because it happens a lot.

You would like the whole thing to have not happened, and so you have been talking it down and minimising it. That is a totally normal reaction, as you try to make it less important and more easily acceptable to yourself. Loads of people here have done the same thing. The reason why people have had a strong reaction to that, and said there may be more, etc, is because they know from their own experience that kidding yourself does not work in the long run. The reason for that is because unless the 'real' story comes out, with all of its related issues, the problems cannot be fixed. It's a bit like breaking a leg, insisting it's just a sprain, not getting an x-ray and proper treatment, and winding up with a badly damaged leg that hurts every time you walk on it.

I am very sorry if some of what has been said here hurts, but the aim is to help you reach a point where there is no sugar-coating or avoiding of issues that can only heal if they are exposed to the sunlight.

Can your marriage be saved? Yes. It can and does happen. It is a long journey, and if it is to be successful, it will require a lot of input from your wife to help you recover some proportion of trust in her and her commitment to the marriage that she damaged.

A big part of that will be her demonstrating that she has developed better boundaries and shows a genuine desire to protect the marriage. That can only happen if she is honest about what she did, and takes ownership and responsibility for it. The saddest thing about a lot of these cases is that the person who cheats only discovers the value of their marriage AFTER they have dropped a bomb on it.

One thing people often say here, and it has been said in your thread already, is that your 'old' marriage is over, and that what you will have in reconciliation is a 'new' marriage. I think that is a good way to look at it.

Imagine your old marriage is a china vase. Infidelity is like hitting that vase with a hammer. It is smashed, and lying in pieces on the floor. You have a choice: do you glue the pieces back together, and end up with a cracked and obviously repaired vase that kind of looks like the old one, but a damaged version of it? Or do you get a new one, after a lot of discussion about what was good and bad about the old one, so that the new one may end up being a better choice? I would say that the latter option might be the better one, but before you hand over the cash and take the new vase home, you have to get to the bottom of why somebody hit the old vase with a hammer, and feel sure that they aren't going to take the same hammer to the new one.

As you want to save the marriage, my advice would be to face the truth (not minimise it), get your wife to take full ownership and responsibility of what she did (including why she did it), and then work on building a new marriage that you are both equally committed to protecting and developing. That is why it is a long process, but just as the longest journey is made up of individual steps, you must take things day by day, and give yourself time to heal. And to heal properly, you need to stop minimising what was done, and saying that you may be overreacting to it.

What happened was horrible, you are not overreacting, but people can and do get past things like this.

I wish you well, Gator.

My wife confessed a couple weeks ago that she got drunk and things got out of hand with her friend one night while I was away on business.

What were the circumstances of her confession? This is important because, if it was truly voluntary, it's more likely that she is remorseful. However, even if voluntary, it doesn't mean she's telling you the complete truth. Very few WWs do, at least at the start.

I didn't think this was on the same level as many bad stories I have read here, until I realized that this person had infiltrated our lives over the last 3 years and that my wife was actually having an emotional affair. We would have fights about the texting and it would taper way off. I was being nice as I felt bad for the guy going through a divorce and did not insist that she cut him off. After all they were just friends!! I feel like a fool now.

Not to rub your nose in it, GatorFool, but for other guys who may be lurking and whose wives are doing something similar -- if your W is paying a lot of attention to another man, no matter what the situation -- SHUT IT DOWN. If necessary, give her a choice between ending the relationship or ending the marriage. When a married woman spends a lot of time with another man, the end result is almost always some degree of emotional connection and, if it goes on long enough, a crossing of boundaries and, eventually, an emotional if not a physical affair.

When she told me I could not understand how she let another man enter her. I still don't. I had been a flirtatious guy who would get some gratification if a women would respond, but there was a very conservative line I would never cross. Why, because I love her, I don't want any other woman, and I could never hurt her like that.

Sorry, GF, but you're a grownup and know why she did what she did, you just don't want to admit it. At that moment, unless he forced himself on her, she wanted to have sex with him. Again, I don't say this to hurt you but, if you are to recover any time soon from this, and especially if you want to recover your marriage, you have to start with the reality of the situation rather than what you would like to be true.

So she allows this weasel to stay over the house (he is getting a divorce and needed a friend). They are drinking and things start getting physical, then she realizes as he is ______ her and is horrified. Keep in mind my wife is a Catholic, innocent fool.

Again, your making excuses for her. Your WW may be a Catholic and she may even be a fool, but she's not innocent. She's a grown woman and she knew exactly what she was doing.

I wasn't happy to say the least, but then I asked who took your pants off? She never answered so it is obvious she did.

Glad to see you figured that one out on your own.

She ended the friendship, deleted all texts, emails, contact info, and told me what happened.

If she deleted all the texts, emails, etc., before she confessed, then you can be 99.9% certain that there's a lot more to the story than what she's telling you. If you can't recover the data, think seriously about asking her to take a polygraph test. Even though they're not completely accurate, they often reveal a lot, either because the WW refuses to take it which more or less proves she's lying, or because of so-called parking lot confessions.

We have since thrown away everything he ever gave us, the mattress they f'd on, and anything else that had any connection to him or that night.

That's good, but the bigger issue is whether she's ended all contacts with the OM. What reason do you have for believing this, assuming you do? Even if the answer is yes, consider if you have the means in place to detect if she reconnects with him in the future. You would probably be amazed how many WWs do reconnect with the OM, even after promising not, showing remorse and seemingly wanting to R.

I feel like a fool being so upset over this barely, very quick, one-night stand, but I am. I feel betrayed.

Again, until you have something more that her word to rely on, do not assume that this was a one-night stand. As others have said, almost every WW lies to minimize the extent of her cheating and, as mentioned above, if she destroyed the evidence before she confessed, it's almost a certainty that she is hiding things.

I told her I wouldn't care who else stuck their d in her as it no longer special. What we had was so good and loving it breaks my heart that she would allow this to happen.

You mean, what you thought you had. Obviously, she was not as committed to you and her marriage as you are. Now, here's the $64,000 question? Can you get over this and go on to have a satisfying relationship with her, assuming she is willing to do what it takes to R? Most guys jump into R, assuming that this will make it all better. What a very large percentage later discover is that, when the pain of what she's done and the fear of losing her wear off, their interest in her wains so much that they either end up filing for D or wishing they had.

The lesson is, don't make any quick decision either to R or D. Get help from family and friends to deal with the emotional pain, spend some time with a qualified IC (i.e., one who understands and sympathizes with BHs), get healthier, focus on your kids, start doing things by and for yourself and -- most importantly -- develop a degree of emotional independence from your WW so, when the time comes, you can make a level headed decision whether to try to save your marriage or not.

Am I over-reacting? I feel the same rage, depression, fog, mood swings as others expressed here.

Your reaction is perfectly normal.

How do I go on from here? We have 3 small kids and they are everything to us.

See above. A lot of guys start with the assumption that R will always be best for their children. This is often but not always the case. Yes, kids are best off when raised in a home with both of their parents. But that's only true if the parents have a more or less healthy relationship. If there is a lot of anger, fighting, etc., going on between their parents, or if their parents are miserable, it's probably not the case. So, again, take your time deciding whether to R or not.

She went to counseling last night and I will be going very soon to help me deal with these feelings.

Make sure her IC is not feeding her a lot of BS about her A being your fault. You would be amazed how often IC actually prevents R because the WW is led to believe that she cheated because her BH didn't pay her enough attention or didn't do enough for her. Talk her about what she is learning from her IC to make sure she's being told to accept responsibility for cheating instead of learning a bunch of excuses.

Any and all input appreciated.

Hope you find this helpful. Good luck.

Gator given he spent the night your wife more than likely feared the kids would bring it up or maybe the neighbors saw him.

It is rare a ws gives the truth right away.

You need to take good strong actions.

This is probably not your situation, but my ex-WW suddenly told me about her "friend" from church and for 3 years I thought it was because she was out so late one night, then 3 years later I am checking my medical insurance for my son's dental coverage and I see her still listed. I check it out just in case she's still using my health insurance and find that she visited a family clinic three times about five weeks after D-Day, including a hospital that was still doing abortions at the time and a radiologist on the third day. Now I don't have 100% proof but here's what I do have:

1. If she had a runny nose everyone heard about it and she was useless for a day or two.

2. When I discovered the texts she didn't double delete, she cried "kill me" followed by "and you'll read we texted about baby names but it means nothing". She screwed up, she double deleted those.

3. My journal noted that she announced that she was bleeding unusually that last day when it was never an issue because she was using an IUD. Read on an affair reddit that this is what to tell your husband.

4. She took us to a psychologist a week after D-day that she met with 8 days before D-day and neither one told me even though we had "trust pact".

5. She never went back to this clinic, I go there for primary care, even though it's less than a mile from where she moved with the kids 2 months after separation.

6.She's an LMFT and her website has a long story on how she's experienced in dealing with unwanted pregnancy along with infidelity toxic relationships(broke up with her AP 4 times before calling it quits) and love addiction.

I was clueless to what she was doing, and even after she was out until 3 am and told me about her friend, I didn't even consider an affair a possibility. Took a friend to wise me up. If he didn't I have no idea what kind of roller coaster she would have taken me on. I'd probably be raising a short, pudgy kid getting him ready to play soccer instead of basketball.

OP, I sincerely doubt this is your situation, but I would suggest taking notes or keeping a journal in case she starts more gaslighting.

It takes time, but regardless of how your marriage goes, you'll be okay sooner or later.

IMO....a BS makes a major mistake when they IMMEDIATELY tell a WS that they want to work it out.

DETACH emotionally and avoid all intimacy is the best approach....even if the BS does ultimately want to R.

I believe a WS needs to see that they are in SERIOUS danger of losing their M and life as they know it.

Only then will the true gravity of the shitstorm they have unleashed on their family really hit them.

And if the WS doesn't react to their BS pulling away?

Well then the BS immediately discovers that their WS is an unremorseful rat anyway.....and spares themselves the pain and humiliation of trying the stupid and futile 'pick me' dance that far too many try.

DO NOT try to rush R my friend.....it is OK if your WW dangles in the wind for a bit after what she did.

She SHOULD fear that you might be leaving forever (even if you know already you want to try to stay and R)

Good luck.

yeah, the rush to forgive and r is a huge mistake. its called rug sweeping.

IF r is offered it should be offered as part of a deal

- she stops the affair and goes no contact with om and all people that knew of it.

- new email and new phone # for her so om cant communicate easily.

- no more lies

- a full and complete timeline. anything major not on this timeline and later discovered is grounds for the gift of r to be withdrawn.

- all passwords to phones, emails, social media, etc immediately and you check them and change the pw. monitor those accounts. recover deleted texts, etc.

- that she goes to ic to discover her whys, to build better boundaries, and to become a safe partner.

- remorse, not regret, from ww. she accepts responsibility for her choices without anger, blame shifting, minimizing, etc.

those are essentials to successfully r. i dont think you have the truth yet. not even close. something happened at your house that made her decide tell after 3 yr of lying. it wasnt the sex - did one of the kids catch them or a neighbor or something that made her feel the truth was about to come out.

her story strikes me as a worried shes caught so admit to the absolute minimum possible scenario.

Let me start by saying I don't think you are over reacting or that her affair is a small thing that you can just gloss over because it was only one night.

My wife confessed a couple weeks ago that she got drunk and things got out of hand with her friend one night while I was away on business.

I must say you are almost down playing it if anything. This was an Emotional Affair of over a year. If you read the texts I'm guessing you will see things (photo's, sexual talk, video's...) that will make it apparent that she knew what she was getting into when she invited him over to "talk". On one hand you say she doesn't drink often/much but on this occasion with OM and the kids in the house she chose to drink to excess.

I think you have her so high up on this pedestal that you are having a hard time seeing/reconciling that she did this to you and your family.... so you are trying to down play it, blame if on OM, ... ignore it with HB... but that's not working for you because it doesn't add up.

You are not going to be able to rug sweep this because it was HER that did this. You are going to need to examine what she actually did and see her for the flawed broken person she is. Read the texts, emails, ask her for a time line.

Don't immediately try to forgive and forget and start MC. She needs to understand why she did this and face what she did to the marriage. Have you both gotten STD tests?

Thank you all for your support and advice.

I am securing the text messages but don't expect to find any surprises there.

I can't hope to tell every detail, but this one might make you belief she might be telling the truth. The guy doesn't live near us anymore and as of 2 years ago he was long distance.

She confessed that when we were having a rough time 2 years ago, she reached out to him for support. He then proceeded to start to tell her how beautiful she was and they shared the experience of being home and raising the kids while their partners were away (making the $).

As I started to read the Not Just Friends book, I see what happened.

So yes, for 2 full years she cheated on me emotionally. She thought it was OK, because they were friends and she could handle it.

Well, she handled it real well the night my kids were in the house and he was allowed over.

I'm inclined to believe her that it was the just once but will keep digging.

I allowed the friendship because I thought why can't she have friends?

According to her, the fantasy ended very abruptly when he put his dick in her and she realized she had crossed THE big line. I think it scared her badly. This little fantasy was now a serious risk to everything.

Like most marriages, we were hot and cold, but I always loved her.

Did I make mistakes that laid the groundwork for this, yes. Not cheating mistakes!!

She and I know it was no excuse!

She tells me she is more ashamed about the relationship than the sex. I think because is in some ways a bigger betrayal and the sex was so quick and wrong. What a shame he sucked in bed...

I honestly think it hit her when she wasn't getting the lovemaking, just some guy who is supposed to be her friend way crossing the line.

She fucked up and admitted:

1- Not stopping contact when I expressed my discomfort with it.

2- Allowing herself to be drawn into this fantasy where he would compliment her and they could share being all alone living in houses that their partners paid for taking care of the kids.

3- The sex.

God it's tough.

I will still try to keep a positive attitude, but I need the complete truth first, then the healing can begin.

I will follow advise given, thanks to all.

I will update slowly because I'm just barely hanging on to my sanity right now.

... I'm just barely hanging on to my sanity right now.

I'm not big on chemical assistance but if you're really in a bad way mantally, you might want to speak to your doctor about getting some help.

Are you in IC?

Gator,

You are doing well to hold things together after what you had had sprung on you. I don’t know if this will be helpful, but I think it is perfectly possible that your wife and the guy engaged in a couple of years of emotional teasing and foreplay, had a good idea what was going to happen when he stayed over and they got drunk together after their long build-up, and the train reached its final destination in the bedroom. They had spent such a long time building up to it that the sex was basically inevitable. Where else was all the flirting going? But maybe reaching the final destination made your wife realise that while she had enjoyed the train ride, the destination itself was a dead end. And a shameful and potentially very destructive dead-end when it came to your marriage. At which point, she erased everything that related to the whole reckless misadventure, and confessed.

So I think it is possible that while there may have been a long build-up via communication – totally inappropriate - actual sex may have happened only once. I know others here who will say that if she would do it once, she would do it a hundred times, but I honestly think that your wife’s involvement with that rat could have followed a trajectory of a long and inappropriate build-up via communication that built up its own momentum and culminated in a single night of sex that burst the bubble. Things do happen that way.

I also think that if your wife had established a routine with the rat of having him over for sex every time you were away working, she would obviously have been comfortable doing that, so why confess, out of the blue? You haven’t stopped working away from home, so if she wanted repeat performances with the rat, what was there to stop her? Why would she derail that train if she was happy with it? You don’t establish a routine like that and then deliberately wreck it. You let it roll.

Also, doing it at home, with the kids there, was not very wise. While many here think cheaters are the lowest of the low, and without any scruples, the one thing they do get credited with is good survival instincts. A first encounter might happen in a risky environment, but a regular get-together is usually set up in a more secure way. For example: you are away working, your wife drops the kids off with a friend, her mom, etc, and then invites the rat over, or more likely, the rat books a motel room in the next town over and they spend the weekend there. As scuzzy as we may all think cheaters are, I just don’t think a woman would regularly entertain an affair partner at home when one of her kids could walk in at any moment wanting a drink, after having a nightmare, etc, and then ask Daddy why mommy and her man friend were having a noisy fight in the bedroom at the weekend.

Of course, presuming that what she says is true, it is still a lot to cope with, and I hope that the counselling will help you to vent what you are feeling, and help you manage the turmoil of emotions that you are feeling. Everyone here has been through their own version of it, and we all wish you well and send you strength as you get through it day by day. It is not a fast process, but it does get better, even if it may not feel like that for you right now.

And I agree with Alchemy; if you do find it all getting on top of you, do consult a doctor. You need to be your own best friend in this, Gator.

According to her, the fantasy ended very abruptly when he put his dick in her

How did his dick get in her if her pants/panties were on?

she realized she had crossed THE big line.

Wouldn't taking all of her clothes off with a "friend" be THE big line? Or at least a kind of large-ish medium line?

I know that reconciling requires mental gymnastics, but damn, man.

Ask her for the polygraph. Tell you her story smells (even from out in cyberspace I can smell it). See what she says.

What a shame he sucked in bed...

How does she know? I thought he only stuck it in and she ran screaming. Almost sounds like she did not consent.

Did she consent? Did she take her clothes off, or did he hold a gun to her head and make her do it, or forcibly overcome her?

If she did take her own clothes off, then why didn't THAT make her realize she was over THE BIG LINE?

Do you know how many betrayed husbands post pretty much the same story as you have? Hundreds. Do you know how many times the real truth about the sex is exponentially worse than what WW swears to be the truth? In my experience with these hundreds of cases the answer is every time.

Her story about the 2 year "emotional" affair is funny. Do you know how many times that grown-up adults having an intimate emotional relationship do NOT consumate it physically? If they are within a reasonable physical proximity they all screw.

Just do some reading on this site & you will understand that her story is pure fantasy. It's important that you know as much of the real truth as possible. It's also important that she tells you the truth.

Realizing that he is fncking her is pretty far past the line, if like with most people theres' flirting, kissing groping, more kissing, more groping , "3rd base", oral sex...Then the line is crossed when she notices where his c*ck is...not bloody likely.

This was all planned in advance. She had stopping points or was it not unusual for her to be naked with him.

Don't buy the lies

This was all planned in advance. She had stopping points or was it not unusual for her to be naked with him.

Or it was a common occurrence when he visited. But maybe this time they were caught or thought they were caught so she wanted to come clean before the neighbor let;s the the BS know what he saw...

Even worse than that is that if they were caught guess who it was that caught them

Gator,

Hang in there. It's going to get better for you, regardless of what more information is....or is not....learned. As the picture becomes clearer and clearer, and you start to believe that you have all of the key pieces of the puzzle, you will be able to start processing your new reality.

I am not going to tell you whether your WW is being honest or not at this point. There are compelling arguments for either on this thread, but it is imperative that you keep digging for the truth. Until you can put most of these theories to rest, your mind is going to have trouble reconciling the information at hand versus the probabilities that contradict that very same information. Do not be afraid to cause perceived disruption in your household to pursue the ability to credit or discredit your wife's story....and the plausible theories being presented to you here.

That is often the biggest mistake---being more concerned about the disruption you will cause than digging for the truth. Unfortunately, your WW became an unreliable source due to her betrayal, so taking her at her word would be a monumental error at this point. Again, she may be 100% honest with you right now; you just can't afford to rely on her words alone. For your sake, I hope that M1965's theory is close to the reality; if it was, you may already have most of the truth. But I think that he would also agree that you need to keep digging to confirm....or deny....this possibility.

You mentioned that you threw away everything he ever gave to you and your wife.

What did he give you? And why?

Since you were away on business, I take it the kids were at home when this went down....

I'm sure your WW assumed they were asleep.

A few of the posters have suggested that this might not have been the first time this went down.....that it was a common occurrance but something happened to lead your WW to suddenly confess.

I hate to suggest this possibility....but it is something to consider.

Could one of your young kids have wandered out half asleep looking for mom and walked in on them?

If they are young enough, and were probably sleep groggy, they would have been unlikely to understand what was going on....but they probably would notice something like mommy and POS were naked.

Perhaps your WW is uncertain exactly what they saw.....so she decided to confess to a minimized story right away.....

She could have figured it was better than one of the kids innocently letting slip to you how 'POS and mommy and no clothes on' out of the blue when she least expected.

Her confession may have been an attempt to head off a full revealing of exactly how long and what was going on.....thinking if she told you about this 'one time' stupid drunken mistake, that she stopped as soon as she realized WTF she was doing......if she could get you to believe this and dig no further.....then maybe the full extent of what she has been doing might remain hidden.

Look....it is POSSIBLE your WW is telling the truth about what went down....it is also possible that the other posters are right that there is more to the story, and something forced your WW's hand into a partial confession.

Given the circumstances of the situation she gave to you.....the MOST likely person to have discovered them was one of your three young kids.

That would be a truly horrible situation IMO...to not only have your WW betray you, but one of your little ones be the person to walk in on them.

If I were you OP.....I would do everything to ensure that this did not happen and your kids exposed to the A.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 8:38 PM, May 6th (Saturday)]