Gator,
I think you are handling a horrible situation very well indeed.
"Unlike me, she doesn't think the sex is as big a deal as she wasn't there (withdrew in her mind) and there was no love."
Well, if she was so withdrawn and there was no 'love', why was she even in bed with the guy? I don't know too many women who will 'assume the position' when they feel no desire for sex and no love for the man entering their body. Sorry to be so graphic, but her attitude about the act is delusional. I have spoken to several female friends about the female outlook on sex, and they have all said that letting a person enter their body was not a minor issue that they would not think over before it happens. Effectively, what your wife appears to be saying is that the OM said, "Lie down, I want to have sex", and she said, "Okay then, get it over with", and thought about recipes or her favourite TV shows until he finished. Really? Again, I apologise for harping on about this, but if she felt so little desire or interest, why was she doing it? I think this is just minimising on her part, trying to say that allowing the guy into her was a trivial matter. Re. no 'love', she had spent two years or more building up an emotional relationship with the guy. There was a connection there, there had to have been for her to invite him over, and get physical with him. If a woman truly felt no connection/affection for a guy, it is unlikely she would even smooch with him.
I need a way to move forward without actual divorce that permanently symbolizes this marriage is over and a new one needs to start.
I would like to re-marry her or renew vows, get new rings, whatever.
If you decide the relationship can be saved, you could do the re-affirmation thing, and definitely sell the old rings and use the money to get new ones. Draw a line in the sand under the old wedding, which has effectively been trashed, and go into the new one with your eyes open. Which all depends on this:
I think we are in the 'lets see if we can address the root causes here and make sure it will not happen again' phase.
There's lots to work on before you take the step of starting a new phase of the relationship, and I think you need to be careful about confirming too quickly that you want to continue the relationship. Without wanting to sound horrible, she has to win you back, and earn another chance to be a safe and stable partner for you.
Also, does she really want to stay married to me. She acted like she doesn't.
If it is the affair that is the only thing that makes you say she acted like she doesn't want to be married to you, I think you are giving too much significance to the affair. It stinks that she had it, but it was a secondary relationship to her main one, which was with you. Her affair with the OM was a side thing, not an exit affair where she imagined running away with him. However, it does raise the question of her commitment to the marriage and relationship with you, and that is something she will have to prove.
Also, I am very compelled to sleep with one of my old girlfriends to be 'even', but I'm afraid that will just make things worse.
I totally understand the compulsion you are feeling, but someone once said that if we followed the adage about "An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth" we would all be blind and toothless. Cheating is a scuzzy thing to do, and if you do it, aren't you just lowering yourself to that scuzzy level? Let's say a guy from down the street walked up and punched your wife in the face. Would you going and punching his wife in the face make you 'even', or would it make you a woman-beating bum like him? The problem is, if you make yourself 'even' with a cheater, you are dragging yourself downwards from where you are now, which is a decent guy who has been wronged. I understand while you are contemplating this, but I don't think you would really come away from it feeling good about yourself if you did it. Instead of trying to get even with people who have done wrong, take pride in the fact that you lived up to your marriage vows and your commitment to the family. Don't lower yourself; you're better than that.
"How can I mentally even the score without causing more issues?"
I have read accounts of relationships where people have revenge affairs and all it does is create a permanently damaged relationship where the partners are like two boxers circling each other in the ring. Do not go that route; divorce would be better, and you do not want divorce.
You have been wronged, and that sucks, but there is really no way to 'even' the score without lowering yourself. Let's say you got burgled. Do you get even by burgling someone else, maybe the person who burgled you, or is it better and wiser to get better locks and a good burglar alarm? In your position, you should not be thinking of getting 'even', but how to get 'ahead and above' the potential for ever being put in that situation again. Which, in this case, is working through all of the issues, making absolutely certain that your wife understands what she nearly destroyed, that she is in the right place mentally to commit to you and the family, and then re-starting your 'new' marriage. That way, you aren't getting even, you are getting better. Better for you, better for your kids, and better for your wife.
Don't get even; get better!
Just my thoughts, please take them or leave them as you see fit. I am no genius, but my heart goes out to you as you struggle with the strong emotions that we all feel when we go through these things.
[This message edited by M1965 at 9:27 AM, May 12th (Friday)]