SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really have no tolerance for drunks. Skimming through this did I read correctly that both women caught having sex with each other claimed to not remember that happening?

Talk about gaslighting, I think that would have to be the most unlikely thing I have ever read on SI.

And cheating drunks are the worst. Sorry you find yourself in this predicament.

DC, how are you doing, please keep us posted,

Regards BJE49

Been ups and downs. less alcool... 2 glass of wine once in a while with my wife and friends. We have not stopped totaly seing friend. Wife making an effort, including towards our marriage. She stopped seing her friend and changing her daily routines.... she is seeing more of family, and doing more activities like biking (daughter with friend). We are seeing our neihbors as couples, but very littel alcool, then go back home. Tough waters to navigate i must say. I do need to travel for work, but cancelled for this summer.... as my trust level is still not up there... and neighter is her husband's trust towards his wife. We do not trust the 2 alone anymore, especially with deep Alcool.

Kinda sucks since it seemed normal for wives to have their time, and for husbands to go and do their guy things....you know, beers at the camp, poker night, fishing, etc.... things that all seemed normal and well balanced... that is all gone now, since neigher of us trusts them alone. Sucks for everyone i guess.

Heading on a few days vacation with wife... and seems looking forward to it. Also taking Friday's off this summer and planning to spend more time with wife and less with friends.

It's been weird.... i do see her as more attentive, and genuine and i have not seen her like this for a while.

I do believe in our mariage, and wil contnue giving my 100 percent. That said, boundaries have been set, and will not tolerate any exceptions. I hate doing it, but not have any other choices as life is just too short as many have stated.

Thanks for your support

i realize this guy is a friend but your wives need to go nc. you skirted it and tried to do a sorta measure. it wont work.

they need a full nc. not supervised. not less. none. no contact.

yes, its not fair to you or other husband but you are risking your m with this. is it worth it?

ive NEVER heard of cutting back on contact but no going nc ever working. ever. not once. take a look at how many members we have.

are you willing to gamble your whole m on the outside bet that this is the unicorn one exception? because that is precisely what you are doing.

want to bet they STILL flirt when you dont notice? little looks, touches, inside meanings,, etc? all you have done is enhanced the whole situation for them by making it the forbidden fruit.

DC, thanks for giving us an update so quickly, although I have to agree with william's assessment and reply post below.

I realize this guy is a friend but your wives need to go NC. you skirted it and tried to do a sorta measure. it wont work.

they need a full nc. not supervised. not less. none. no contact.

yes, its not fair to you or other husband but you are risking your m with this. is it worth it?

ive NEVER heard of cutting back on contact but no going nc ever working. ever. not once. take a look at how many members we have.

are you willing to gamble your whole m on the outside bet that this is the unicorn one exception? because that is precisely what you are doing.

want to bet they STILL flirt when you dont notice? little looks, touches, inside meanings,, etc? all you have done is enhanced the whole situation for them by making it the forbidden fruit.

Unfortunately it is you, the husbands, that have created this situation by not implimenting on a full NC rule right from the beginning, both you and your friend (the other husband) now have trust issues with your respective spouses, and who could blame you, I realise it would be a very difficult thing to uphold anyway (NC) given the closeness of living to each other, but some thing has to be done to correct this, so I have to ask and correct me if I’m wrong.

But I seem to remember that someone near the beginning of this post suggested that either you or your friend or both of you, meaning both couples should sell up and move away from each other to create a NC situation and stop the affair, and you thought it was a bad idea as it was not feasible or that both of you (husbands) did not want to do that for various other reasons, perhaps now is the time to rethink this, perhaps you could both agree (husbands) and make plans to move away from each other, i.e. in completely opposite directions, far enough away to facilitate a NC situation journey wise, hopefully unrealistic for your wives to undertake, but still leave you the husbands able to keep your current employment commitments.

One thing I do know if I was in your situation and felt my marriage was repairable, and by my wife showing full remorse and by her actions, a willingness to R the marriage and regain my trust, by that I mean a fresh start, a restart of my marriage, then nothing on this earth would stop me from moving away, even finding new employment if I had to, to give us both that chance for a new life together, as I don’t believe the old marriage is ever capable to return to what it was, but a new fresh start is entirely possible.

Regards BJE49

i think its just that they are friends and dc doesnt want to lose his friend and doesnt want to push ww to go nc.

i could be wrong tho.

What boundaries have you set?

Deeply, just wanted to share one thought with you: we often tend to overestimate people's ability to control their actions and underestimate the power of habits.

Even if your wife understands how destructive her actions were (and, possibly, her current thoughts are), it does not mean that she will never fall into the same routine in the future. If both of you have never explored the nature of habit and addiction, the only guaranteed way for her to avoid cheating is to live on an unoccupied island where nothing can trigger her unhealthy but recurrent cravings.

I still think that one wise way for you to proceed is to get your wife to Alcoholics Anonymous. Otherwise, I would highly recommend you "The power of habit" by Duhigg, or any other comprehensive literature about healthy habits and coping routines as opposed to toxic and destructive patterns of our behavior.

The fact that she got angry that you recorded,

Blaming you. Is proof enough that she knew what she was doing when she was drunk! So when she's sober and away

She's texting the neighbor so much??? Yeah I don't think so!

Little remorse equals only one person trying to save the marriage. If it comes down to reconciling, you will have to move. No way you can live at peace knowing they are just next door. If neither of them claim to remember ,

How come they only kissed and touched each other's privates

When they were ALONE in the bedroom???

If you are so drunk and can't remember

I'm sorry this makes me so angry for you.

As long as she has no remorse there is little you can do

About wanting to salvage the marriage 😣

If she really doesn't remember because she was drunk then

Has she possibly done this before?? There must be some kind of attraction or she'd be doing this with random people then.

I would have so many questions in my head as I'm sure you do.

Read up on the 180 here

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 1:42 PM, June 29th (Thursday)]

I read your latest posts and understand them to say that you still socialize with this couple. I've tried but I can't wrap my head around this.

You don't trust her (for good reason). And since you don't trust her you accompany her to socialize with her adultery partner.

And that's the boundary you've established to save your marriage?

Happy 1st and 4th!

Back from vacation... no contact with her friend was good, but i know i have a long road ahead. Alcool during vacation was controled at sharing a bottle of wine... no eccess was good... again, i know road ahead is long. We are now back to reality and taking it one week at a time. We have much company coming over in coming weeks (various family members as our home has become the central place to be to all catch up since we are most central to everyone). Contact with her girl friend has become almost null, other than a few text and phone calls. Both seem to be doing their own separate things, and from what i hear both don't want their marriage to fail (coming from misc friends on both sides). Thank you all for your input... bad patterns are very haqrd to break, but new and good ones tough to mainain... again, long road ahead.

Our personal intinacy has been good and productive... with the intimate personal conversations that follow. that is a pattern i need to keep up. Forget the issues.... As a "guy" i know i have hard road ahead... and a lot of things to work on.... we did speak a lot during our alone time on vacation, and regardless of past issues, i do need to work on for both myself and my marriage.... heck, i'm a "guy" and we are not renown to be all that attentive to little things....

To address some excellent recomendations.... Moving at this point is not even an option for neither families.. i sure wish it was... in short, due to work and financial obligations, it's not an option. (We both own local small companies that employ misc folks)... and economy does not currntly support selling. At best, we could move in opposite sides of city, but city is not that big... and would not do much... ideal would be seling, retiring, and moving wherever in warmer weather... but not an option for now

Again, thanks for your ongoing support.