SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did the affair stop because OM left the workplace?

How do you know OM's wife didn't find out first and made him look for another job?

Did you find out on your own or did WW confess to you? It does make a difference on her motivations.

By all accounts affair started because OM left the workplace. That's when the emails started.

I'm 95% certain OBS knows or at the very least is highly suspicious. I don't really wish to discuss all the details as you never know who is reading.

I confirmed my suspicions with 100% evidence after I got a little trickle.

And that NC letter boat has sailed and I'm not going to open up any communication channels between them for redo.

Edit: I guess a silver lining is that they didn't talk bad stuff about me or OBS in the emails. Lots of hurtful stuff, but no trashing.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 11:46 AM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

By all accounts affair started because OM left the workplace.

This doesn't make any sense... and I will leave it at that.

What do you expect to get out of posting here? You can vent all you want and that's OK too. All of the member's here have been through the same sh*tstorm and lived to tell about it. If you add it all up there are 1000's of years of experience here. Same old story... different people. You will hear things like a cheaters handbook, because they all follow the same pattern.

The best advice I can give now with what little you have offered is don't forgive too quick... Two weeks out is just not enough time to wrangle all of this in your head. The people here don't want you to have D-day 2, 3, 4, and so on from being trickled truth to death. Have your WW make a complete timeline from start to finish for you. It's your decision to R or not. The only reason IMHO to attempt to R is because of kids. The general concensus here is it takes from 2 to 5 years minimum to get your marriage back to a somewhat normal state... and that is with the WW bending over backwards and doing all the work to make her a safe partner. Take all the time you want to post and think things through.

When I fist came to SI, I was also looking for every story that matched my own. I needed assurance that others had managed to make it all better. I found scores of them, similar down to the near-verbatim WS script at each stage of the post-affair rollercoaster ride. It was uncanny.

By your account, so far your WW has responded to your discovery in the best possible way, from a BS' perspective. No blame shifting - that's certainly "off script", and it's rare. Perhaps this is evidence that you're dealing with a mature and self-aware spouse who, at the very least, exercised a catastrophic lapse in judgement.

Please understand that the pervasive skepticism you're likely feeling here is largely based in experience in dealing with people who orchestrate and carry out the ongoing deception of someone whom they profess to care about, if not love. Typically, that kind of intentional deceit is inconsistent with "I'm happy and I love you", and the result is almost always blame shifting. Sometimes, that'll come out in MC, when the WS is suddenly faced with a third party's perspective of their actions.

We don't know your wife. Perhaps she really is able to own this that readily...that'd be a good sign this early on. But there's obviously something bigger underneath all of this, at least in her mind, and you should be prepared for the story to change...and some of the blame to come your way.

Sorry you're here.

Posting here does help me stay focused and maintain skepticism that I sometimes lack.

I have read a lot of emails, at first they were very innocent and almost entirely about professional topics. In December they stopped being innocent from AP and soon after from my wife. At this point she started omitting information. AP had never disclosed any info with OBS.

Maybe I'm naive to trust the emails, but they appear authentic and there are a lot of them.

Timeline is also quite easy to confirm based on our schedules and credit card transactions. Not the kind of investigation I want to do, but necessary for me to confirm.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 12:04 PM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

My apology's. I didn't realize you had posted in the reconciliation forum. I general only post or read in JFO.

I think the EA basicly started when your WW met AP at the workplace. Undoubtedly they worked close enough to have discussions of their home life enough to have some sort of bond... perhaps as friends initially. When the AP left the workplace it left your WW without her good friend... therefore the lunches together and the e-mail banter back and forth was the seed to get things started up.

This post really shouldn't be in this forum.

My apology's. I didn't realize you had posted in the reconciliation forum. I general only post or read in JFO.

I think the EA basicly started when your WW met AP at the workplace. Undoubtedly they worked close enough to have discussions of their home life enough to have some sort of bond... perhaps as friends initially. When the AP left the workplace it left your WW without her good friend... therefore the lunches together and the e-mail banter back and forth was the seed to get things started up.

I meant posting here, on this forum in general, not in a specific subforum. I was advised to post on JFO instead of reconciliation, so that's why I started this thread. If reconciliation is not correct sub-forum and JFO is not the correct sub-forum, where should I post then?

But what you describe is how I think the progression happened as well. At first my wife didn't believe that the affair started when AP left the workplace. She still doesn't think the affair started even earlier, but she did tell me about some comments AP had made while they were still working together. The comments were polite enough and at the time not alarming, but in hindsight they appear very different. Maybe it's just my perspective, but to me it seems that the AP had more motives to keep in touch with my wife than what first came across.

This is the correct forum. You are only a couple of weeks out from D-day. JFO is a "trauma" Forum. You aren't ready to R yet.

That's how men in the work place work there magic to get into a woman's pants. Subtle inuendo's and flirtations culminating to get to the ultimate prize (your wife). She may have initialy thought he was her friend... but you and I know he was never her friend. There was but one thought in OM's mind.

COW affairs are quite common. This affair would never have started if your WW had proper boundaries in the first place. The final nail in the coffin was when she started going to lunch with him. It was just a matter of time after their first lunch together.

I'm trying to be very careful not to demonize the OM as I feel that will lead me down wrong path. I'm no stranger to men hitting on my wife, she is physically attractive and she is very intelligent and fun to talk with. I have not seen any indications that "just flirting" would go far with her, there needs to be emotional connection.

But I have gathered some good food for questions here.

COW affairs are quite common. This affair would never have started if your WW had proper boundaries in the first place. The final nail in the coffin was when she started going to lunch with him. It was just a matter of time after their first lunch together.

I get that. She thought she had solid boundaries and that she was in control. She said that she can't allow herself to get in that situation again and to avoid that situation is not to go for lunches, dinners, drinks etc. alone with any men.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 2:14 PM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

I only question it because he's a WS as well. I'm sorry if I'm wrong.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:20 PM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

You say you could find here similar stories. This is because such stories are posted in a different forum – Wayward Side (where this post truly belongs to), or I Can Relate (Maddhatters only tread).

I was WS 12 years ago and am BS now. I'm getting more and more confused.

My understanding was you weren't married to your GF at the time. My understanding of maddhatter is a BS and WS in the same relationship. Keep posting here. If a mod doesn't agree they will move you to general or something.