SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as I know, he has been distancing himself from their marriage in preparation of inevitable discovery and that looks like an exit plan to me.

I do agree with twisted. As a matter of fact after re-reading your post if your wife told you this... it is a very common ploy used by the POSOM to make the mark see him as poor ol' me. I believe this is what OM told your WW. I have serious doubt if it is true.

Buster, you assumption that the AP will leave his wife is based on what? What your wife, a known liar trying to save her fantasy, told you?

Or is it the OM, that would do or say anything to prevent you from exposing them?

1st Rule: People in the middle of an affair will lie. They will lie to you, themselves, family, and the mailman. You cannot trust anything they say. Assume they are lying.

2nd Rule: Expose them to the OBS. It immediately takes the AP's attention off your wife and to saving his ass. You also now have an ally looking at it from the other direction that can give you information, verify, and give you a heads up if they suspect something going on.

I did read it in email correspondence. They were not agreeing on how each other was dealing with their betrayed spouses and what they were doing at home. Have to admit, it turns my stomach to think about the extent of their discussion.

EDIT: I think I'll look into how I would contact the OBS.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 11:16 AM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Here's a link to another poster's thread who was having similar misgivings regarding exposure to the OBS. Hope it helps...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=599624

On a side note, what really bothers me about your story is that your WW doesn't seem to have any reason at all for why she did this. It makes me wonder if she's got the emotional maturity to make a real commitment or understands the gravity of the betrayal?

I think she knows why she did this, but hasn't admitted to it yet. I think it's about either not getting enough loving attention at home or she found out that she was able to get more loving attention and went for it for very shallow reasons. I'm just connecting some dots here and that's the best I've been able to come up with, but at the same time think that I'm not far off.

...I think it's about either not getting enough loving attention at home or she found out that she was able to get more loving attention...

Otherwise known as the need for External Validation. Not the "want" of it. The "need" of it.

That won't change without her doing the work to become self-fruitful in terms of inner happiness. We must each be complete within ourselves, kwim? Anything less and we can't be good partners.

Speaking as that former OBS in my situation, all this -

But here's the risks I see:

- OBS will divorce OM. OM doesn't need to worry about his M any longer.

- OM loses his mind. He knows where we live, he knows where I work, he knows where my wife works, he knows where our kids go to school. I don't know how he will react. His reaction might very well be revenge....

...

- I have no idea what OBS would do. Maybe she would seek revenge against me or my wife.

Are generally Jerry Springer staged drama "myths". The reality is the OM is a coward. He's to busy covering for his own ass to be plotting revenge of any kind on anyone. At best, he's trying to craft some fantastical excuse of how YOU and your WW are a couple of nutballs making wild claims and accusations of his fidelity that he can sell the OBS. "Damage Control" will be his full time job for quite a while, especially after his OBS knows she's been cheated on. Right now, he's more worried about what YOU will do! Way more often that not, AP's are all talk and no action. But, when the BS shows action in response to exposure the AP the knows he/she can't talk or schmooze their way out of pending consequences. Trust us, you are on the offensive on this one. You actually have a lot of the leverage in the situation right now. Although much of what you describe of your WW's affair does sound common, what is not common is how your WW is taking accountability for it off the bat.

She informed the AP that same day that their relationship, of any sort, is over. She has taken my outbursts and anger without push back.

I did push my wife last night about her happiness in our marriage in the last years. She keeps repeating that she has been very happy for at least the past 5 years. She told me that she will not allow me to take any blame for what she did. Her voiced opinion is that she brought this shitstorm to our life and she made the decisions that risk everything we have.

These are textbook responses from a WW that gets it. You did say she was smart and witty... she has had several months to figure out what she is going to say to you in the event of you finding out. Are you sure the texts that you read haven't been sanitized for your protection? This was my first thought from your 3rd statement from the beginning of this thread.

You are giving my wife's lying skills a lot of credit. She was able to omit information for 4 months before I started noticing that something wasn't right and getting suspicious. It took me total of 2 questions to figure out she was lying and I would have been surprised if it wasn't an affair. She is not a very good liar and didn't become a good liar after I confronted her.

If the emails are cleaned up for "my protection", the dirty version is HC porn script.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 12:23 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Chuckling... You have a way with words.

I'm still not planning to contact OBS. I hate getting pulled into the secret and I know I'm being selfish, but I am thinking of worst case scenarios here. As far as I know, he has been distancing himself from their marriage in preparation of inevitable discovery and that looks like an exit plan to me. I do not want a single OM running around. And I don't know what kinda crazy might come out. I'm not happy with this, but am not planning to change my approach. I know I'm taking a risk here when it comes to affair continuing, but that is more or less informed risk I'm taking.

Buster,

What you are ignoring is the very real risk that, if the OM is not exposed to the OMS, there is no obstacle to his rekindling the PA if and when you stop monitoring.

Your fear that he will be a greater threat if his marriage ends, while not implausible, rarely happens.

If you're still on the fence, I suggest you read betrayedks99's thread, "I cannot believe my wife had an affair."

But yeah...if my marriage hinges on exposing the affair to OBS, because otherwise the affair stays alive or unmarried AP running around quite possibly seeking to re-establish contact it's pretty much fucked either way.

With all due respect, I'd modify how you were approaching this. What you are looking to do is taking every available step to assure yourself that the affair is over. It's clear from your thoughts that you still have a ton of uncertainty, AND THAT IS OK.

What exposure does it adds another (and the biggest) brick to killing it in every way possible.

Why is this important?

You don't start healing until a pathway to trust is established. You don't even start building that pathway until her affair is ended. It's a crap job, but it's now partially your job to make sure that affair is dead as dirt... and you need to do EVERYTHING in your power to make that happen. Because NOTHING is being healed until these questions start getting put to rest.

It's also a good barometer of No Contact. Don't let your wife know that you are contacting her boyfriend's wife and you'll quickly discern if they have been communicating via some backchannel.

I will explain why exposure is the best idea. At the moment there is a man out there that has only the best view of the affair. He got to screw your wife and gets to go home to his wife.

I can assure you this coward, doesn't have a bad wife. His wife most likely has bent over backwards making life happen for a selfish cake-eater

Like you I didn't tell OBS at first. Guess what..the OW continued to send him work related emails with ha ha type comments to get him to respond. He didn't because he knew I wasn't kidding around.

She did this because she had no consequences. Just as your other man has no consequences.

This man will start bending over backwards for his wife and not yours.

I finally told her husband. Guess what...the AP has been crickets. Because she finally gets to see what infidelity is up close. It's not romance. It's not love. It is destruction.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 12:48 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Some of my comments are in response to other comments even if I don't use a quote.

Roughly 60k members have formed a collection experience that notifying obs

1: is the moral thing to do

2: helps kill the affair

3: helps stop it from re-sign

4: is a great way to see if ws and ap are really nc (don't tell or warn your ws, just do it)

I don't believe your situation is the unicorn case. Most bs believe it is but it never winds up being that elusive unicorn.

I've never seen " I wish I hadn't told obs" bit I've seen 100s of "I wish had exposed to obs" and distinctly remember 100s of " wish I had told obs EARLIER" usually because of 2,3, or 4 above.

There are a few recent threads around right now on this site wishing they had told obs earlier and the threads are heartbreaking. It's absolutely vital to do so.

I do get what people are saying. I might start my process of contacting OBS. I might let you know how it goes. The biggest appeal there is to test the NC.

Do not tell your W that you plan on telling the OBS. She will give the OM a heads up about it. I know you probably think she won't. But believe me, SHE WILL.

Yep. They usually contact to give a heads up and to coordinate lies.

Do not tell your W that you plan on telling the OBS. She will give the OM a heads up about it. I know you probably think she won't. But believe me, SHE WILL.

I won't be discussing this on this forum either until I contact the OBS. Never know who's reading...

You wouldn't want to give your wife the heads up anyways. If she comes home angry with you then you know absolutely without a shadow of a doubt her and her boyfriend have a backchannel.

If, after 48 hours, she doesn't show her cards then that is a VERY good sign of potential remorse.