SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello All,

So, here I am almost 1 year since D-Day (7-7-16).

My story is long. My patience is high. And yes, I still love my FWW...I love her more than I ever did before. We have been working on reconciliation and rediscovering us. We have had an amazing past 6 months. I am in the best shape of my life (down to 9% body fat and really feeling great). I take care of me and it really has given me energy to take care of my family.

All that said, I just recently noticed that she has been Snapchat-ing with someone else (her score kept going up even thought i thought we were only snapchat-ing each other).

The first time I noticed was about 2 weeks ago, but I was not 100% certain as I did not really know how snapchat worked. I confronted her in a roundabout way just saying that I felt "something was off". She admitted to sending texts (just texts, not snaps) to a "vendor" that had contacted her from work that were personal in nature, but innocent in content. I tried to move past it, told her that I appreciated her telling me and we moved on.

I kept noticing her score go up with snapchat over the past 2 weeks, but it took me a while to really be confident that she was communicating with someone else besides me.

Last night, I confirmed it. So, I confronted her and asked if she was snapchat-ing with someone else. She admitted yes, she was snapchat-ing with the vendor, but that he made contact and that all snaps were innocent.

The conversation got ugly from there as she accused me of spying, started gas-lighting and so on. It was an ugly reminder of some of the darkest moments of this past year.

Bottom line, I told her snapchat-ing is flirting and that I am uncomfortable with it. If she wants to flirt in that way, she can but that is not what I want from a partner. she denies that it is flirting. She then said, "how long will it take till I start trusting her again".

This feels really wrong. My wife is still in IC (as am I), but we stopped MC given time constraints and it felt a bit like overkill.

Am I crazy?

You're not crazy.

And you're not being paranoid when its true.

She then said, "how long will it take till I start trusting her again".

Just as soon as she starts being safe and trustworthy. And not a moment before. Hopefully, you have told her the same thing you posted here about how this makes you feel.

If she can't or will not see that, then bring it up in a new MC session or simply enforce the boundaries that you require in order for you to continue the relationship.

Not crazy at all. You set boundaries, she is overstepping those boundaries. Stick to your guns, it is not ok for her to do that or to minimize your worries after all you've been through.

You are not crazy. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

You know how SnapChat works - the texts/pictures are gone and not retrievable. That's fishy.

If you could see her score going up - how is that spying? It's not.

Bottom line here, if you are uncomfortble with this behavior, and set a clear boundary, and she doesn't respect your (very reasonable) boundary - well, that's still wayward behavior.

you aren't crazy.

it takes 2 years of work on average to even begin to get past an A, and a year into it she is texting a male personally and now snapchatting this same male, to me this is a red flag.

What are the boundaries you set for R if I may ask? was there transparency? do you have all her passwords and access to all accounts?

You are not required to trust her again. That is a consequence of her cheating.

If you require her to take snap chat off of her phone she should do it with no problem, and doing that with a vendor is a huge red flag!!!

If my husband was doing this he would find his stuff hefty bagged on the curb. I would have no further conversation with him. I expect his boundaries to be wayyy better than this.

As a freind of mine said recently (doesn't know about the a's), snapchat is nothing but a whore's texting app. If you want you want to text, then text. It leaves a trail.

HurtInNJ - Your wife's conduct is highly inappropriate and needs to stop ASAP.

If my husband was doing this he would find his stuff hefty bagged on the curb. I would have no further conversation with him. I expect his boundaries to be wayyy better than this.

Same here.

You are NOT crazy. There is no reason to use an app that is programmed to hide content unless you want to hide content...

On top of that, her response is to immediately get defensive and gaslight you.

The fact that she thinks it's ok to have a personal relationship with a vendor shows that she still has poor boundaries. The fact that she thinks it's ok to hide that relationship (or the nature of it) from you by using snapchat is a huge red flag emblazoned with "WAYWARD BEHAVIOR" flying in your face. Pay attention to it. Sorry to say it's not good news.

This little incident tells me that you've been working on R, she hasn't. She has learned absolutely nothing. If you had given it another couple weeks she'd have been exchanging nude vids with him (if she isn't already). If you waited a couple months she's be sleeping with him (if she isn't already). Sorry about that my man. It sucks. I do know this. Leopards rarely change their spots.

Snapchat, Kik and anything similar are not ok with me. She should not have contact with other men outside of relatives and what you agree to. I'm not ok with my WH having contact with female coworkers about anything except work. I made that really clear. And it should neve be done on a secret app.

You *might start trusting, if and when she stops having piss-poor boundaries.

ANY unnecessary personal conversations with the opposite sex demonstrates piss-poor boundaries.

Telling your BS that he's "snooping" EVER, let alone less than a year after Dday is bullshit.

She is not a FWW. She is a WW. Plain and simple.

Your WW, is not a FWW and she is still cheating on you. Any conversations she is having with someone of the opposite sex that is "personal in nature" should be shared with you. What she is doing is still cheating in my book.

Edited to say that findingjoy beat me to it. I second everything she said.

[This message edited by LostHope8008 at 1:25 PM, June 13th (Tuesday)]

Thanks all. Your responses definitely make me feel better about having confronted her. This was a big setback IMO and I have asked her to go back to MC (to which she immediately responded, "No"). What angered her most last night was the fact that she thought I was spying on her. Telling, isn't it?

I can't keep hoping that she will change. This leopard is highly unlikely to change her spots.

As for boundaries, I do need to do a better job of enforcing access to her phone, passwords, etc. I also need to clarify NC with any males outside of work related content. She will likely get angry and say I am crazy, but I am not going to allow her to betray me again. If she thinks I am being unreasonable, then so be it. It's what I need.

In my opinion, the WS should have Snapchat and all social media accounts closed while rebuilding trust. Social media is just one more thing for a BS in R with their WS to worry about. I would request that your W shut down all her social media to make you feel safe. Making you feel safe should be her top priority if you are in R.

edited spelling

[This message edited by kbella at 1:30 PM, June 13th, 2017 (Tuesday)]

Yikes! I decided to come check out your post after you commented on mine about anniversaries.

I agree with everyone here. Your WW is still cheating, in some fashion. You have every right to "spy" as much as you want. She should be completely transparent now. I agree with the others that you have been in R, but she has not. I am so sorry, but if she isn't willing to respect your boundaries, as you said in your comment in my post, might be time to change that.

The healing timeline for this is 2-5 years, and this depends on the actions of the wayward.

She was having a secretive conversation with another man.

She then accuses of spying

She then gaslights you

This is classic wayward behavior. You are NOT crazy, she isn't being a safe partner.

She is nowhere near ready for MC, nor is she a good candidate for R yet.

She needs to do some reading, "Not Just Friends" and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal", and she needs to be in IC.

Plainly stated, she still has a wayward mindset and is a prime candidate to be a repeat offender.

FYI, if my fWW had responded to my requests the way yours just has, she would be an xWW by now.

You can enforce all the boundaries you want..but how exactly do you do that, take away her phone?

She is used to cheating. It made her feel a certain way.

She has no business snapchatting men especially after cheating, it's not a controlling thing, it's a common sense and sensitivity thing, you've been caught cheating if you were a man the last thing you do is snapchat other women.

The minute stuff like you're spying on me, you're controlling, you need to trust me start coming out you need to set a hard line because she's pushing that line in the sand back. Remember she's experienced.

Time to treat her like an adult not a petulant child.