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Sucks !! See a lawyer get your legal and financial issues together , protect you and the kids ,, her pAst trauma needs to stop beng the excuse , she might have depression but you guys have been in therapy should have come out by now, tell the other BS , and be ready for the fallout ,, the OM gets to be happy at your expense , once his W turns up the heat on him , he will either run with your wife or Dump her ,, she acts like an addict separated from her drugs by getting mad at you ,, you need a lawyer and some luck , sounds like the kids will end up with you ,,,

Seems to me she is still on the fence.

She either needs to do the hard work to put the marriage back together, and it will be hard work on her end, or she needs to cal it quits and move out. If that puts her back in the A with OM, so be it.

You can't go on doing the "ignoring each other" dance". That's not helping either of you.

Life 's too short to be playing these kind of stupid games.

I really really hate to be the one to bring this up. Very, very rarely do you ever get the complete story when you first Discover it. Especially when it involves serial cheaters.

Personally, I would have my doubts about the length of the affair. Which brings me to the point I really really hate. You probably should have your children DNA checked.

Strength

I hear you all thanks. I basically feel comfortable knowing the length of the affair because the constant contacts via phone calls and texts line up with the time frame my WW gave me for the A. Hundreds of texts and calls suddenly showing up on a cell phone bill one month, and nothing prior to that, is pretty good evidence in my mind. It could have been longer certainly but once it's around 1.5-2yrs what's the difference right?

As far as the kids go I KNOW I'm good on both. My 6yr old son is actually my nephew. He was my WWs brothers son. So my brother in laws kid. My brother in law died from leukemia about 3 years ago and my nephew came to live with us once he passed because his biological mother was an addict and couldn't take care of him. She consented to us adopting him and the adoption was finalized a year ago. But we've been mommy and daddy to him for 3 years. The F'd up thing is that my WW went through with the adoption of my nephew while in the middle of her A. I mean why the F would you legally bring another innocent person into what was going on unbeknownst to me. It boggles my mind.

My other son was a product of IVF. My wife had problems that kept us from conceiving naturally. So we did the IVF and we were blessed with a beautiful healthy boy on the first try! He was and is an amazing blessing. But then 2 months after he was born she starts the A...insane in my mind. Here we are building a family, now have two innocent boys to care for and love that are depending on us and our love, and you decide that now I'm going to have an A?? Wtf

In other news I finally contacted an attorney today regarding divorce so I could get some information for myself and try to get a better picture of what a divorce will look like for me and my sons. I think you all will be glad to hear that I've taken this step. Now the actual sit down meeting will be this Wed but a step forward is a step forward no matter how small it is right? Lol. As I told the attorney a brief summary of my situation she kind of laughed and scoffed. Not in a bad way though, the laughs and scoffs came when describing the things my WW has done and hasn't done and also the things I've been doing as a doormat. Basically I got the sense that she was sitting there thinking "I can't believe this Fing B" (my WW) I got the attorney through the FOP (Fraternal Order of Police) so the cost to me will be minimized somewhat as compared to just going out and getting JoBlow divorce attorney. This law firm handles representation for police for all kinds of legal concerns so I'm hoping they are good. This lady has been practicing family law/divorce exclusively for 27 years. I will admit this was a tough first small step to take...and only numerous other more difficult Bigger steps to take on the horizon

Going to the attorney is very good. But you could be doing so much more now.

Is she back in the same building as him today? If so, they are still in the affair. Until they are Complete NC, as in never seeing and hearing from each other ever again, they are in the A. If I remember correctly she's not even trying to lie to you that she's gone NC.

I won't repeat myself as I and others have already given you things you can say and steps you can take to work thru this. Go back and review them if you like.

Only you can take control of your life and your marriage and find a way, one way or another out of infidelity. But if you don't take the steps then that's exactly where you will stay.

Congratulations on talking with an attorney and taking that first step. It's scary but it's positive because you are doing something to make life better and safer for you and your boys.

I apologize. I do see you mention more steps on the horizon so I am glad you recognize that.

However remember, many of these can be done in parallel

Of course as always it's your choice what you do when.

All of us here are rooting for you and want you to find your way back to happiness.

Sorry if I hit with too many 2x4s at once.

It's ok Steve I totally understand and I always appreciate your input. I do need to go back and read through the thread and write some things down so I can try to keep it all straight and do things in parallel when possible.

Big Bomb dropped. Went through with MC tonight, I couldn't hold back my concerns...wasn't angry but let it be know that I wasn't happy with how things were going. Session went sideways and she said she wants to be separated. I said I'm not leaving the house but if she wants to go she can. We got home, she called her mom n told her she needed to stay the night, packed a bag, grabbed a beer out of the fridge and off she drove. Jus a quick summary right now. I'll elaborate further but I have to call my best friend n talk because I'm kind of reeling. Feeling panicked and lost but wanted you all to know ASAP. Man I'm in a tough place right now

strength brother, what happened at the mc session happened, and yes, also happened to me and many others here that way, given the circumstances you gave your best so do not blame yourself it is not the end of the world. To be honest, afterwards she could and should have stayed with you but instead she grabbed a beer and left, good for you. You are still largely focused on her, but focus more on your best friend, which is you. Detach , detach , detach, it is good for you. You are not alone, SI is here for and with you, know that and stay strong!

Hang in there bro

Trying

You stood your ground. You rightfully stayed in your home. Good on you.

Go back and reread all your posts today. Read them as a third party looking in from the outside.

I hate to sound like a little whiny Person right now but this is way harder than I thought it would be. One night down and it's very difficult for me. Gonna give you all a long post about what transpired cuz I definitely need some support and input. Going to post once I get to work. 😥

Breathe friend breathe, breathe and try and see yourself standing there, breathe, focus on you again, and on your breathing, inhale and exhale and breathe

You are in the middle of a warzone and fighting a battle, it really is a shitstorm for you currently and a lot is going on and coming your way all the time, your WW on the one hand and luckily all these people on SI with advice, it goes on and on, as they say here, it is a marathon.

But only if you help yourself to get your head clear and calm again now and then, you can think logically and soldier on via the best course of action.

It affects you a lot, as you convey, we know...and at the same time you need all your cognitive abilities to work and to try and relax and get the focus back to YOU.

Maybe this helps;

You are shellshocked and a fellow soldier with all the best intentions is slapping you on the cheek to get you clear again, to help you and because only then you can soldier on, that is what you need to do to yourself once in a while, BOOYAA

Maybe as some comfort to you, if it is R what you are still hoping for, I have not read all the posts in this topic, but it seems to me that your wife is still somehow attached to you otherwise she would have been completely gone. You may fear to become abandoned by her, but she is still with you somehow, so maybe you hence should drop the fear to become abandoned by her, and relax a bit because she is still in contact with you, and use that feeling of comfort to your advantage. I do not know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, no judgment here, but until now she keeps coming back, if you feel more comfortable she will feel more comfortable and that might be when you can make significant improvements whatever those may be.

The whole purpose of MC is to lay all concerns on the table. Is that correct?

I'm guessing your concerns are she cheated, she still works with him, she lied and hid and deceived you for a year, year and a half, she said it's over but gave you no evidence, she treats you coldly, she asked you to leave for her to work on it giving "space and time" (well known cheater code words for continue the affair without scrutiny) but she never worked on anything, when you came back she continued to treat you bad, didn't acknowledge your anniversary and didn't do anything for the kids on Father's Day.

Her concern is that you will never get over this (duh!).

If she put 1/100th into committing to you and the marriage than she did in cheating, you'd be on your way by now.

At some point, it becomes a problem about you, not her. I know you know that you can't change a person, can't fix the world. Maybe you thought you could control, at least strongly influence, your own little family. You can't. Your can influence your kids NOW, but in 10 years plus, you will have little influence there, too.

Model through actions how you want your children to act.

Went through with MC tonight, I couldn't hold back my concerns...wasn't angry but let it be know that I wasn't happy with how things were going. Session went sideways and she said she wants to be separated

because likely the affair continues...and also likely she is seeing that you aren't going to be a doormat anymore...where she can cake eat and fence sit while having her A Hence the need to "separate"...so she doesn't have to deal with you giving her shit and ruining her "fun"

Ok so here we go...I'll try to summarize what happened as best I can. Really need everybody's support and input so thank you again in advance.

I talked to the attorney yesterday and set up that meeting for this Wednesday. Then my plan at the time was to get the info I need from the lawyer, gather more info for another confronting about the A still going on, then draw the thin black line and do the exposing to family and the OBS once her info is found. Then sit back see what happens and start to take care of myself, my sons, and prepare to move on with my life with my WW.

So that's where my head was at yesterday afternoon. Fast forward to the MC appointment last night, which was going to be the last one in my mind because of the steps I was going to take and that MC can't work and is pointless if the A is still going on.

In the MC I brought up that I was upset about the lack of a fathers Day card and any recognition of our wedding anniversary. WW said she didn't have time to get the fathers day card and forgot about our wedding anniversary date because we got married in the courthouse one month and then had the ceremony two months later. So basically she's full of S and just didnt care in my mind.

I said I feel like I'm pulling this whole thing all by myself. I feel like WW isn't remorseful and isn't working towards us doing anything to make progress. I felt like there's an anchor, something is going on and something or someone is holding us back and therefore we can't even try to move forward. I said I'm getting tired of doing this all by myself and that my hope and optimism is being taken over by anger and resentment.

WW takes that info n says now I see that BS (me) is starting to not like me just like I'm feeling that I don't like BS. WW says she's "tired of trying and doesn't think she wants to try anymore. Yeah really? wtf has she done at all that would be considered "trying." She hasn't done anything but treat my like dog S imo. She said so I think that we need to do a separation. The MC said separation and then leading to a divorce? WW says "no I don't want a divorce." MC says why? WW says "because I love BS dearly, we've been through so much together and we really make a great team." WW says she wants the separation so we can work on the relationship and have some real time apart so that will hopefully help our marriage and bring us back together, or it will at least allow us to have a good relationship going forward. Meaning I guess if the marriage is not going to continue.

MC says what will separation look like to WW. WW says we'll live in separate residences. WW hasn't even thought this shit out fully in any way in my mind. She seems completely unprepared and has no real plan. MC asks me well what would it look like to me. I said I don't want a separation, I've made it clear how I feel and what I want...but if WW wants to separate then I'm not leaving our house. So if she wants to go or needs to go then I guess that's what she's gonna do. I'm not leaving though.

At some point in there I also said that the lack of remorse about the A is a big reason why we can't move forward. WW gets upset and says it's not about the A, and I don't want a separation because of the A...WW says the reason for the separation is that our marriage has had problems and been broken for a long time, that's the reason, the A just happened but it's not about the A. I again took responsibility for my faults n the problems n the M but that the A was no my fault. WW chose to do that, that's what she did and I accept my role in the M problems but the A is hers alone. WW again very upset well I guess it's all my fault then, I'm a f...ing POS. Very flippant and sarcastic. I said no I didn't say that at all, I simply said the A is on you. MC said how does WW think BS is going to react to this separation. WW says I know he's going to blow up and we're going to probably have a big fight about it on the way home. I'm sitting there shaking my head uh no.

MC says so what are you going to do Waw??WW says I guess I'm going to stay with my Mom until I can find a place. No other structure of what to do how to set all this shit up is discussed or offers by the MC. MC said she can see us again to see how the separation is being set up and going or we could see her individually if we wanted. We both said I'll let you know. I'm reeling at this point wondering htf do we do this? The session is nearing the end. I at least got it well what are we telling WWs parents? MC advises simply say that you guys are having a tough time right now, the marriage is on the rocks and you just want some time apart from each other. WW agrees with that n out the door we go.

I tell WW in the truck I'm not going to blow up and I'm not boiling with anger either just so you know. I'm going to handle this rationally as I have during this entire situation. I ask WW that at this point can't we just be absolutely open and honest with each other. We're going down this road now so can we just be completely honest with one another. WW says I don't think so and I ask why? Because I'm afraid of how you're going to react. I said let me ask you this then. If you were still having contact with OM would you be able to be honest with me. WW says no. Ok then if you were had started the A up again or never even ended it would you be honest with me about that? WW Yes I could tell you that. Which is ridiculous cuz WW wouldn't tell me about contact but would tell me about the A going on still? Yeah ok. She doesn't know if she's coming or going. Lies lies lies, avoid avoid avoid, run run run. That's all I'm hearing.

We get home, let the nanny go, I tell the 6yr old to get ready for bed and I start changing the my youngest sons diaper so he can go to bed. WW says I guess I'm going to call my mom now and goes outside. I come outside and it does sound like she's talking to her mom, I think I heard her voice through the phone. WW says she call me tomorrow sometime. I said I need to be at work by 8 so I'll take the 6yr old to camp but somebody has to be here with the 23 months old until the nanny gets here. WW says she'll be back to watch him at 8am. She packs the bag, gives me a hug, grabs a beer for the road n she's gone. I called my best friend n talked for a couple hours and couldn't eat anything n could barely fall asleep. Went to be around 230am. Woke up at 630, got the boys ready, and in strolled WW around 810.

This post is so f-big long and I apologize but it's therapeutic to put it out there and I need SI to know everything. You all are a part of my support system now.

When WW came home we went into the garage and had a cigarette together. I said at some point we're going to have to have a discussion about how we are handling everything. Like are we getting lawyers and a legal separation draw up. Even though I know I'm talking to my lawyer and taking her advice. WW says I don't know I guess we'll have to google it and see what to do. Again she's hasnt thought this through and had no plan. She just blurted our separation in MC n probably didn't think I'd agree to it. I dunno

I said what did you tell your mom. WW told her what the therapist said to tell her. I said so we're just sticking to that? WW said yeah, as long as her parents see that we are handling this civil and taking care of the kids they wont dig. Again she doesn't want to let them know the real truth. She'll prolly minimize forever and never reveal the A to them n make herself look bad. Or she'll blame me and the marriage problems most likely. WW said she's going to try and stay with her cousin until she "finds a place." Right so her mom and dad won't dig, ask questions, be like why is WW leaving and not at home? Ect so WW can carry on her dirty A without her family really knowing jack shit.

I said so what's your plan? WW says she hopes to have her plan in place before school starts in Sept for our 6yr old. She's going to stay away from the house at her cousins in the meantime, we'll alternate having the boys maybe one week with her one week with me, and then once she has her new "place" that's set up for the boys she'll stay at that place. She's in La La land and I doubt my attorney will be ok with this nonsense. I said well what about our sons joint bday party in July and the big family vacation in August. WW says I think we can still do those things together since we are going to handle this like adults. Cake eating anyone? I mean Jesus in heaven man.

I said ok, didn't wanna get into any more discussions or a possible argument kissed my one son goodbye and took my other son to school. That's where I am now.

I have no idea now what I need to do??? I know meeting with the lawyer tomorrow will bring information and some advice but I need the SI love now more than ever. How do I handle this crazy B right now? What are my next steps? I know what my plan was but how does the separation coming into play now change things or accelerate things? Do I expose to family and her work ASAP? Ect ect ect. I need your advice everybody. I'm in a dark place, and even though I know I'll survive and make it through this is like my whole world is crashing down. Please I'm open to any and all suggestions. Sorry about the length again

The best way to end an active A is to expose it to the light of day. I would at the very least expose it to her parents, I would talk to your lawyer before exposing it to her work, just my opinion.

Was she even at her parents last night? Did she go straight there are did she need to stop by and meet with her AP at some point. Its all starting to fall apart for her so she will be in CYA mode. Get the truth out there before she comes up with a convincing lie.