SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have any advice as I am new here, too, but our family situations sound very similar and I am so sorry you are going through this, too. I discovered my husband's affair 5 days before a vacation with my family, parents, brother and his family...all staying under one roof. I debated whether to have my cheating husband stay home, but decided to suck it up and go for everyone else's sake. You sound like a great dad. Wishing you the best.

Thanks wk55 and Stevesn. Your thought processes and step by step outlines are helpful. I made it through yesterday and today is a new day. This process is kinda like a one day at a time scenario for me...like I'm an alcoholic or something lol. Not poking fun at alcoholism but I'm just basically not trying to get too far ahead of myself or look too far into the future. I am unfortunately starting to face the reality of life without my wife going forward and what the entails. I'm going to set a lot of things in motion once the vacs is over, consulting an attorney, gathering more evidence, then confronting, implementing the 180 and readying for D if things continue down this road and she continues with her bullshit. I'm just trying to stay positive on this trip, give the kids a great vacation and enjoy myself as much as I can. Taking a break from this awful time in my life is a necessity. There was never a card yesterday from her...no Father's Day card, no anniversary card. She did say happy Father's Day, recognized it was "my" day, asked what I wanted to do, paid for dinner last night ect. But there was no pre planned things or anything for either of those events. Not that any of those things are necessary in my mind but I think it speaks volumes about her mind set. Either way I kept the card I had for her and didn't bring the anniversary up. She doesn't deserve the card in my mind and it would just be another thing I did toward R of the M while she just sits back n does jack shit. So no card even though that's not the kind of person I am or was, my love superceeds arguments and problems, but if hers doesn't I'm not going to keep bleeding through the nose while she sits there with tissues and doesn't offer me one. I made it through an emotional day yesterday and thanks for your help everybody. Today is another day and I'm going to have a great time today, and enjoy my kids,?regardless of what she does or doesn't do...because no matter what happens I've gotta keep it moving and live the best life I can. I am blessed despite her curses and behavior.

Thanks LM29. I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. And if it sounds like we have similar situations then let me say I am SOOOO sorry for the absolute hell you are being put through by your WS. I'm no expert either but if I can find your thread I will offer any advice that I think would be helpful. If you read my story then I'm pretty sure my advices might not be the est, lol, but sometimes just hearing other people's perspectives is really helpful. People in here have given me some real cold hard truths to face, it's necessary and it's waking me up from my doormat slumber. I just now beginning to see my situation in a different light and starting to move toward a more healthy way of dealing with this hell thats better for ME and my sons. They deserve better and they need to have a strong father that will not allow his family to be undermined by one persons destructive behavior. Even if that person is their mother. I deal with things is a very deliberate calculated manner, I don't like to rush into anything without having a plan and preparing the best I can. So I'm taking all the good info I've found her, listening to everyone's opinions and trying to use it all to find the best outcome for me and my family. This is so hard, and I pray for you and your situation and I pray for everybody in here that has been torn apart by an A. And I'm not a religious zealot or fanatic, so if I'm praying you know it's bad lol

So get this...still on vacation with the family. Last night my WE were intimate and something interesting came to light. So as we are getting into our adult time she says "I want to tell you something, but you gotta promise you won't be mad." I'm like ok what? She says "I don't want you to get angry" I said just tell me. My WW proceeds to tell me that she got both her nipples pierced lol. I mean wtf man? That's just weird to me. Not the fact that people get their nipples pierced, cuz I'm fine with that, to each their own...but it just seems like weird timing giving our situation. I said why did you get them pierced? And she said "because I was angry with you." She's 35 n I'm 40, we have a 2yr old and a 6 yr old and we're dealing with an A right now. And now is the time you decide to get your nipples pierced??? This seems strange as shit. Prolly just another clue for me to see that she's doing her n doesn't give a F anymore right? Any thoughts?

Did she get them pierced because she was mad at you or did she get them pierced for OM? I still think she is heavily in the A. I don't think she is NC and I don't think it ended. Everything she has done or is doing is to keep the A hidden from you while she is cake eating. She does not act like a remorseful WW, she acts like someone who is living 2 separate lives and is struggling to keep one of those lives hidden from you.

I would be mad at her not because she got them pierced, but because of who she got them pierced for! That is not something you do to get back at someone, it is something you do to please someone. Who is she pleasing? That is the real question you should be asking yourself. Who did she really do it for?

Good point ItsNotMe, I hear ya on that one. It certainly could be for the OM, I mean it definitely wasn't for me...and the whole I did it because I was angry with you is a crock of shit. If anything thing she did it for OM cuz shes still in the A, doing different things and experimenting sexually ect. She never ever has voiced any desire to do that in the 11 yrs we've been together, but now all of a sudden it's nipple piercing time? This B is loco and it's just another nail in the coffin for me and the way I feel about her...she can't hide something like that forever ya know? I mean I don't understand anything my WW does anymore. She's a completely different person. You can still see her in there somewhere but she's a shadow of her former self. Smh

When you return from vacation have D papers placed in her hands. If that doesn't wake her up and bring her back to reality nothing will. Once she is served then you will know where her heart really is.

Right now its about minimizing damage, and protecting everyone that is depending on you. As far as your WW, she is on her own. Let her figure out what she is losing, let her decide if its worth it. But she won't think along those lines as long as she has no consequences.

Right now she has you to lean on while she tries to continue her A undetected. Pull the rug out from under her and see where she lands. Many times when the AP figures out that he may be stuck with her, he bails as well.

Hang in there and stay strong. I'm pulling for you..

Trying:

You still are not yet awake.

At what point do you look at her and say, "You don't actually expect me to believe that bullshit, do you?"

You are pursuing intimacy and going on vacation while supposedly practicing the 180.

You are believing her words. What do her actions tell you?

Your hopes and fears are going to prolong your limbo, brother. She knows exactly what she is doing with you. I only wish you could see it.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 9:45 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

Most likely they went together. It was a date where he took her to get them pierced and he was right there when she did it.

Add to my list of things that she must do if she asks to R that she removes the piercings and lets them close.

Oh and don't think that the A is suddenly over because you were intimate.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:45 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

Trying-

Im a long time lurker, but I logged in just to speak to you about the adoption aspect as I do not think that anyone else touched on it. I want to let you know that you have been heard and that, yes, it does add another difficult layer of pain to the whole situation. I am adopted too, and The Primal Wound was my Bible for many years. While not trying to discount others pain, I feel that the abandonment issue is compounded so much more with adoptees because we have, in a very real way, already been abandoned, and we have dealt with the fallout of that for our whole lives. It is something that others can never understand unless they have been through it.

My husband decided to have his affair months into my reunion with my first family. He swears up and down that the reunion had nothing to do with it, but I know that it did. I think he felt threatened by me getting close to these new people. People who, like you said, are blood related to me. People who look and act like me! I digress though. One of the first things that I said to my WH after he disclosed his A was, "You know abandonment is my biggest fear." And while I feel like deep down that is every persons biggest fear, adoption compounds it even farther.

I can also understand not wanting to 180 or D because of these fears. It is paralyzing. I know I felt like I had to hold on even tighter because I could not, COULD NOT, be abandoned again.

Anyway, the only advice I can give you really is to acknowledge why you are feeling some of these feelings to hold on, and you seem to be doing that. Once you acknowledge, hey this is from my adoption issues, it is a bit easier to step away from the situation and make a clearer logical decision, rather than a decision based on emotions. Then IC IC IC. A good therapist can help you work through a lot of these issues. There are people who are much smarter than me on this thread giving you great practical advice and direction. Listen to them. I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard, and that you have someone else out there that totally understands how being adopted can influence your decisions.

Let me say that I hear you all and you are all right to some extent. No I'm not fully awake yet and yes I am hanging on. Part of this is the fact that we are on vacation and not wanting anything other than the kids to have a great time. I'm kind of shelving my feelings on the situation right now in order to keep the negativity away from my kids. Tinywanderer thanks for letting me know that I've been heard. This A I'm going through and the very real possibility of a D have a profound impact on me as an adoptee. The perspective I've gotten here along with being aware of my baggage from being adopted is helping me to work through what must be done. Admittedly I'm a little slow on the draw compared to others here but please know that I am aware of my situation and what will need to be done. I'm not blind to the signs and the flags anymore because of all the good advice in here...that alone is a start towards long bing a healthy better life for ME and my sons. I don't mean to frustrate people in here with my deliberate nature but trust that I am working through it and EVERY SINGLE POST helps me carry on and push toward what I deserve. Your advice is greatly appreciate and so desperately needed.

You are doing fine. The situation calls for being thorough, building a plan and carefully executing. Its new to you and you need to be able to live with each step you take. So its okay not to rush through this. Do things in your own time and don't feel pressured to rush into anything. The advice is to help you see the situation for what it is, and you are doing that.

You do have a lot to think about and your current situation does call for some restraint. You are doing the right think for your kids. let them enjoy the vacation before all hell breaks loose. At this point I am sure she doesn't see the damage she is doing to them and she will attempt to blame it on you when you confront her. She thinks she is covering her tracks well and you don't see her deception. Relax and enjoy the time with your kids. Its a rough road ahead of you and you deserve a break.

Take care.

when did she get them pierced? like recently or during her a or????

[This message edited by william at 8:27 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

Trying,

I like your deliberateness. (Is that a word?) While I was early in the process it was SO difficult to make a decision that I slept on everything overnight. Even the paint color in my new house. Even the clothes and items I took to Goodwill. It made me feel good about my choices and I didn't let anyone rush me into a decision. I think you are on the right track.

Wait, she had her nipples pierced and never even discussed it with you before hand? What wife in the history of the planet does that without mentioning this to her husband before?

Is there a woman on all of SI that has done this without talking to her husband?

Nobody!

She might as well bolt a neon sign to her forehead flashing " I'm still in my affair".

TMB, she will NEVER change until there are real consequences. You are acting like she is still your wife, built that ship has sailed long ago.

I would assume that a divorce is the eventual outcome of this. The sooner you serve her with papers, the better you will be. It will either knock her off the fence into reality, or will force this issue of her getting out of your life, and good riddance if that's the case.

Good luck, bro. It's time to step up.

Is she still working with the OM?

Have you located the OBS?

If the answer is no to both questions, you haven't done the two more important things required.

I guess that explains why she hide her body the other day...I ssuspect that with this kind of behavior it also invloves some marks on her body from some kind of whip or riding crop she was also hiding.

Im wired different the. most, but the warning I give you is valid.

She might be getting passed around by her OM...you might need get a STD test and avoid having sex with her.

The life style she is getting into with the OM is not healty for her or you.

I hope when you do confront it will not only save the marriage but also save her.

It scary to see the kind of commitment she has made to the OM's life style... That huge to go as far as she has.

IMHO....you cant confront soon enough!

William...she got them pierced two weeks ago. She said she wanted a "day to herself" where she could just relax at home and do nothing since our vacation was coming up and she was going to be spending all week with me, our two sons, and our niece. A "me day" is how it was described. Lol. Total BULLspit in my mind. She had arranged for the boys to stay with my mother in law overnight and I was still out of the house at night on the weeknights at that point. So this me day meant I was supposed to be gone from the house all day and that night. Right before that though I took back my life and said I'm not leaving my house anymore. So that day the kids still left, I stayed at home and she was gone from about 3-4pm until 11pm. I honestly didn't even expect her to come home. This F'n B. To my surprise she did come home, said she had spent some time at her moms then hung out with her friend Lynn. When the piercings were revealed she said that was the day she got it done. She's a F'n liar and I'm sure she was with the OM n they did it together...more than just the piercings I'm sure.

Twisted...she does still work at the same company as OM. And I still haven't been able to locate OBS. Still dunno if the OM is separated like my WW said, if he's divorced now, never was married, or is still married. Still working on that. State property records show the home in his name only so I'm not sure.

Either way NONE of this is good...even the most plausible innocent naive explanation could cover this kind of BS. The A is still going on in some way shape or form, and like many of you have said, prolly never ended in the first place. My WW is just a terrible person, each day that passes solidifies that fact in my mind.

That is not something you do to get back at someone, it is something you do to please someone.

I'm mad at xXTryingMyBestXx I think I'll get my nipples pierced... that will show him! Her lies are really messed up and so extreme you need to wonder what else she had done for the OM.

But your acting similar. Saying "the vacation is for the kids" but having sex with your WW. That's not something you do for your kids, not something you do while you WW is still in the affair, not something you do while on the 180... That's something you do when you are trying to do the pick me dance and rugsweep.

I have to agree with the previous poster. I don't think that nipple piercing are that popular with the "family friendly" crowd. I would question whatelse she is doing behind closed doors and would be extremely worried about STD's at this point.

Tryingmybest,

First, I have to say that you sound so much more empowered now than you did when you began posting here. Good for you!

Now it's time to take that energy and get the answers you so desperately need. Find out who the OM is and out him to his W or GF. I am willing to bet you he is married. Do that ASAP. If, as we all suspect, the guy is indeed married, he will dump your W flat and the A will end.

Then, depending on your W's reaction, you will have some bigger decisions to make. But let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Good luck! And stay strong.