SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I'm not happy to be back but back I am.

My have had an affair about 10 years ago and we both posted on here as we navigated reconciliation.

I didn't think we minimized or rug swept but obviously did not address the core issues.

We focused on boundaries and communication.

My new story goes like this.

In February my wife tells me she doesn't feel the same and moved into a different room. I was concerned this was affair speak but felt had no choice but to give her space. I proceeded to try to show her love in her love language and give her space. Well yep, I know.

I found out May 17 by seeing a group text with 2 friends that she had been hooking up with 2 different guys separately. These were both workplace "affairs" with no emotional component whatsoever. There was a bIt of trickle truth but I think we have reached the bottom of that ugly vat.

We are still together figuring things out. She send to have come out of fog super quickly this time.

We are both in individual therapy as well as therapy together. It has been uncovered pretty quickly that wasn't correctly addressed 10 years ago is a really low self worth and addiction of sorts to attention from men.

Both of the men this time started with attention and flirting that quickly turned to sexting then sex acts during the workday. There were no emotional discussions or even talking on phone. These guys would reach out when they wanted to hook up and she would comply. On one day while working in an offsite location that had access to hotel rooms she had sex with each of them separately within hours of each other. They did not know about each other.

She has opened up access to phones and accounts and such, is looking to move jobs. She seems to be doing everything right now but also realizes she is broken and needs some serious therapy to rewire herself.

Some FOO issues are that her mom died when she was 9 and her father never really paid much attention to her.

I want to try to see if she can figure her shit out. What I really don't want is people telling me to run and she will never change. What I am hoping to hear from is anyone who has also fought a similar battle with a ww.

She really seems so so sorry and broken and wants to fix her issues. I do love her as we have had 29 years of companionship and family that I don't want to give up on.

Can women addicted to attention like this gain the tools necessary to become more mature emotionally?

I'm sorry you are back.

On one day while working in an offsite location that had access to hotel rooms she had sex with each of them separately within hours of each other.

I must say that I am having a difficult time believing she hasn't been cheating all this time. If she is dysfunctional enough to have sex with two different men within hours of each other while working, then she's probably been doing stuff like this all along. This is pretty extreme.

Can women addicted to attention like this gain the tools necessary to become more mature emotionally?

They have to be willing to do the hard work. Is she? She didn't do it before. She's knows enough to know exactly when she started crossing the line with these men and she didn't stop then to get help. What is her incentive to change? She had sex with two men within a few hours, so what was the consequence to that? Right now, she knows there really isn't anything she can do that's going to motivate you to end things, so why does she need to change? I'm not telling you to leave. I do recommend having firm consequences in place for when/if she does this again.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:39 PM, June 19th (Monday)]

Well I do struggle with consequences as well.

She has said she really doesn't feel sure if I will stay and realizes this could have cost her her marriage. She really does seem to be down to her core in despair so.. well who knows.

About a year ago she started this friendship with 2 younger women at work where they just had this constant group chat going. I think actually was a first step into the checked out mindset that set her up for the cheating. They would just bitch about everything like teenagers and she would then share about these guys flirting with her.

The thing about the 2 guys thing... I discovered that the morning after... is in an odd way it let me disconnect a bit more and realize she really has issues... something she was able to realize pretty quickly as well.

As we have already learned in therapy, these were not relationships like healthy people think. These were attention transactions.

Do you have kids?

Strike one and strike two are already gone. Are you going to give her a chance at a third strike?

Everyone deserves a second chance. No one deserves a third. You blew 10 years. Want to blow another 10?

Yes, 20 and 14.

But again, not looking for the run now posts.

I'm 50 at this point and would like to try to give her another chance to get some serious therapy to rewire. I think we have found a good therapist this time.

She is certainly not minimizing the situation or where we find ourselves.

I know it's bad, was hoping to connect with some other similar situations and find some hope.

Maybe I posted in wrong forum. I now have people that registered here months ago telling me baseball analogies. I will check out quickly if this is what this turns into.

I don't have my head up my freaking ass and know this is a problem. I stated early on some boundaries of what I was hoping for.

You think I didn't freaking think of that????!!

Boundaries and communication were not the real problem before, who while you may not have rugswept, your wife did not address her "why." So there was that risk of it happening again.

I disagree that she has likely been cheating all this time. I think lots of folks with the potential to cheat don't do it all the time. It may be that stronger boundaries kept her from cheating for a while, but here you are... And while I think improved communication is great, I don't think cheating has anything to do with the state of the marriage, so I doubt if that did anything to keep her from cheating.

Is she will to really work at changing herself this time? Sounds like she sure didn't last time.

I'm sorry you're here again, this is so hard do go through even once.

You may want to start posting in Reconciliation if you want positive R feedback. In JFO, you are going to get some harsh responses.

Have you considered a polygraph, so you know exactly what you are dealing with? She lied to you for quite some time the last time you were here.

Also, have you had STD testing done? Has she? You really don't want to take a chance and not do that give her reckless activities.

Thank you lieshurt. Is it possible to lock this thread or is that a no go?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Kind of like a recovering addict of any kind. They have to commit to walking away completely from the drug of choice. The want or need may always be present but the work they do can keep them from making the same poor choice over and over. The decision to stay or go is yours to make. If you want to R she has to be on board and more importantly willing to address AND fix the why. That is the sticking point for many as there are some that just can't get the work done and you can't do it for them. Getting a new job is a start but if she doesn't fix the why then it will happen over and over. Maybe it won't be for another 10 years, who knows. If she doesn't get to the core issues and address them then it stays a vicious cycle. Sorry you have found yourself back here. Hopefully you find what you need and she gets into therapy and truly does the work she needs to do. Without it even with a new job you'll find the pattern repeating. You'll find the choice of job repeating too. I say this as there was nothing I wanted more than to see my WH change jobs. When he was fired from job 1 (he wouldn't quit and why not he had all his "needs" met there) he immediately found job 2 where not only was he in the same situations but some of the same people followed him there. I could have pushed for him to quit and told him numerous times that is what he needed to do but instead I pushed on other fronts and let him move at his pace. He is still far from where he needs to be but by having him do at least some of the work he needed when he moved jobs he moved into a job where his opportunities are almost non existent, the people he works with and for are in a different class and the most important ones I know and/or they attend our church so there is added pressure to fix what he needs to fix and move forward not back. Not saying your wife shouldn't quit just that it may not change the outcome if she doesn't work on herself. Hope she chooses to do the work

[This message edited by SimplyRed at 3:05 PM, June 19th (Monday)]

Tim, I've escalated this and asked that it be moved for you. Please be patient and disregard any posts that aren't what you need right now, ok?

Thanks , my mistake. I will hold off on any replies until it is moved.

I would be concerned that the infidelity is the result of mental illness, not just FOO issues. She was sleeping with two different men within hours of each other. That's more than just "oh my Daddy didn't give me love."

Thanks for the move.

As far as mental illness....sure it sounds like it but I'm not an expert in that. I will ask our therapist for the distinction.

She clearly sees that she needs help and really has not pointed to the marriage a bit this time.

I'm in a weird place in that I feel I should divorce her like as a punitive damage...but I really don't want to lose her in my life at this point. We are good companions and friends...when she's not cheating on me...

I have been trying to read on the web articles on Attention Seeking Women and some of it has been helpful. It is not a real connection with these men but simply a transaction boosting that need for attention and really strong compartmentalization. She also really used casual oral sex as a tool to get this attention.

Like I said, hoping to find someone that has dealt with this wrinkle of a WS.

Yup, definitely been there too.

It's not an easy decision to make...you make a commitment to love your wife and do so, even with her faults and defects.

It sucks sometimes, really bad, but sometimes there is "enough" there to make it worth trying.

I decided to give my WW one last chance because we never healed the way we needed to in the past, never addressed our issues, but now we are, and it is allowing us to heal this time.

If your WW is really, truly "all-in" then you might have a chance.

It's up to you to define the boundaries, and up to her to accept and respect them...if she doesn't then you will not be able to R.

It's really that simple.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 4:03 PM, June 19th (Monday)]

First as an absolute minimum, she leaves your home. She agrees to not see other men while you are separated. The workplace finds out, immediately. Most people say that I am compromising a divorce settlement that way, but I say that she needs consequences and several dozen people at work knowing she did this whorish thing is a decent consequence. The kids are old enough to be let in on this. Let her deal with them disrespecting her, as she totally disrespected the marriage. Unfortunately this is not her first rodeo. How would she feel if you started dating? If she is out of the house, feel free and let her know that you are taking a survey of single women to find out what they like in the bedroom.

It seems like your WS avoided some of those boundary talks from the first time -- maybe she rug swept some of her thoughts in hopes of R the last time?

My wife didn't have an issue with several AP's -- hers was a long term affair for years instead - but it was a validation/esteem problem that stemmed from her FOO.

Initially she thought that validation would enhance her esteem problem, but it made it far worse and she figured that part on her own. What she had to work on was boundaries and learning how to live without the validation of others.

It is possible, but it will take your wife working really hard to actually change -- instead of white knuckling through another rug-sweeping scenario.

Can women addicted to attention like this gain the tools necessary to become more mature emotionally?

I believe that anyone who is motivated enough is capable of personal growth. It will require much introspection and self-awareness, as well as resiliency to push through when things get difficult.

Does your WW have the desire to become a better version of herself, for herself? Is she willing to look deep inside and bring all of the uncomfortable shit to the surface so she can deal with it?

Did she seek out IC herself this time? What else is she doing? Is she reading or willing to read? Is she planning on coming back here to post?