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I know this subject has been covered numerous times but I Have a 2 part question. Would love to hear everyone's opinion

1) Why do they cheat? For anyone that read my story.....For me my STBXWW had an Exit Affair....what did cheating accomplish? Did she just want to twist the knife that was already in my heart?

2) Will I ever get an "I'm sorry"....do WS eventually understand how much hurt/pain they put their BS through? Do they understand they hurt a lot of people that cared for them? (Kids, family members, friends etc) Maybe even years later? Again for me, I don't think I will ever get an apology....I'm just assuming I never will.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 8:48 AM, July 5th (Wednesday)]

1) People betray because they can, is the short answer. After that there are many ‘whys’, but it all boils down to an indifference towards their spouses and pure selfishness. They honestly don’t care about hurting anyone- only gratifying themselves.

2) As to getting an “I’m sorry”, maybe. You may get one that has nothing behind it. I got an apology about 12 years later. Big deal. As to WS’s understanding the pain they put people thru and how they permanently hurt people- no, they never never do. Not one does. At the very best, they might be able to understand 5 or 10%, but that’s about it. And because of that, true R is near impossible unless the betrayed spouse opts to just take it and like it.

In my case we were having some trouble because my husband wanted to be selfish and hang out with his friends instead of being a husband and father. I gave in whn it was jus me but when he ignored the our son then I put my foot down and said straighten up and if you don't want to then get out.

Suddenly I was a B for putting my foot down and he was mad I suggested counseling and he went but didn't really try. He said he didn't like talking about his personal problems with a stranger. So what did he do? He stared confiding in another female at work and had an A. I think it was partly because she had no attachments like kids and maybe because he was mad I put my foot down. Also despite me being there for him regardless of him not being there for me he was going through mixed feelings for a father who had never been there for him but was suddenly dying and needed him. It is said that cheaters seek out those who have what they feel they are missing or an A can happen maybe for some revenge.

I still can't rap my head around why he would take a chance on loosing so much if he got caught! Plus it sounds strange but I thought if your going to risk all that you have, it better have been for someone pretty spectacular and she wasn't! So I am still baffled about that too! I honestly cant say what he saw in her!

Any first the first year he acted like a jerk and continued to blame me for his A but I wouldn't let him. I never did get the apology using the exact words I wanted to hear but I did give a small apology and I could tell he did feel bad and now he has changed and I hope and pray it is for certain, even though he hasn't given me any reason to believe he is cheating again.

Yup...my xww slept with a man that was her father's age...I mean most people cheat with someone 10 years younger (and better looking). I still scratch my head bc it's such a weird story. (PS so many lines from Big Daddy can be referenced) But it's not my problem anymore. I'm just trying to give her what she wants....a D, get her out of my life as much as possible, and move on with my life.

I'm not sure a WS can't ever understand what they did to the BS.

30 years ago, I was not married but in a very "committed" relationship that I really should never have gotten into with a girl I'll call Tina. Rather than just end it, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I put that poor girl through a ringer for about a year until I judged one of my affairs was an "upgrade", at which time I promptly dumped Tina.

A few months later the girl I dumped my old GF for shredded me in ways you can't imagine, really far worse than what I did to Tina. Don't tell me that at that point I didn't understand what I had put Tina through.

Fast forward a couple years, ran into Tina at a club with her new Husband. I was mortified but she walked right up to me and asked me how I was. I kind of stared at her and said, you have every right to smash me over the head with one of these chairs, why so nice? She said, well, time has gone by and things ended OK for me. I thought about it for a moment, and then said: I should say I am sorry for what I did to you, and I am, but that might not mean much. In fact it might make it look like I'm trying to make myself feel better about it, me being selfish even now. So what I'll say is...you were right. If you hated me after we broke up, you were right. If you felt like you were better off without me, you were right. If you felt like you would show me by moving on and forging a great life without me and with someone who deserved you, you were right too.

She gave me an odd look, and then said, "You are right, an apology would have meant nothing. But what you just said helps a little with the residuals.....". Then she looked back at her husband, and said, "well, nice seeing you". Not exactly a happy ending but I think she felt a little closure.

People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes they know the reason and other times they don't.

But it is not about looks or opportunity or the AP is "better" or a thing to do with the spouse. THEY CHEAT B/C THEY CHOOSE TO CHEAT. Whatever lie or excuse or justification they tell themself as to "why" is just plain lies.

And the apologies are there. But I think there are two apologies.

First is the "I'm sorry" but it is hollow b/c it is really not meant but is an I'm sorry because they are caught cheating. The CS is not really remorseful.

And then there is the remorseful cheater who really means it.

You won't know the difference except time will tell.

There are snakes and serpents who will pretend they are sorry but they can only keep up the charade before they start cheating again. And it may be more apparent but false reconciliation will not be real and cannot last.

IMO a cheater can NEVER apologize enough for cheating. It is a conscious decision.

The BS is just the unwitting victim. An A is like a car accident. The driver of the other car didn't intend to hit you and cause your injuries - it is just an unfortunate outcome. You are the unwitting victim

1) I have no idea. I've never gotten an answer.

2) I've gotten plenty of those. Sometimes they felt real, but the behavior was repeated anyway.

People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes they know the reason and other times they don't.

I don't buy that for one second.

Show me someone who doesn't know 110% why and I will show you a liar.

Everyone's why is different. I can tell you that I cheated on a boyfriend when I was in my early 20s as an exit affair. My reason (I realize now, but didn't at the time) is that I was terrified of expressing my true feelings. I never told him how unhappy I was in the relationship and making him hate me so that he would do the breaking up was a million times easier than saying I wanted to go. It will never erase how incredibly selfish I was, but that's why.

No, you will probably never get an apology.

I can tell you a few things for certain. These questions that you are asking will drive yourself mad. I asked many of these questions and tried to find the answers to why on and off for twenty years. I read more Huffington Post, Psychology Today, Reddit, and any other articles I could get my hands on. I didn't learn anything until I came here to SI.

One thing that I can say for certain is that a WS that engages in an A has poor boundaries and is selfish/lacks some sort of empathy on some level. At least these 2 things are common. Then I think it starts to get into each individual person, their environmental factors, and what's wrong with them.

But finding out their why's is damn near impossible if they don't do hard work on themselves. It's not something you can ever answer for someone. Only they can answer why. Which gets me back to why it's so maddening. Unless they are putting in the work it's impossible to make sense out of nonsense.

My dday was March 1989. I still have yet to get an apology. She didn't do anything wrong. She was entitled and something is wrong with everyone else. Not her.

Don't hold your breath on the apology. Some come to their senses. Many more don't.

yop

I got a number of reasons for "why". During the affair fog the "why he cheated" was b/c of me. I was told:

I never apologize for anything

I don't discuss past events (gee how productive is that anyway?)

We didn't communicate (No HE didn't communicate)

We were disconnected (so glad he knows how I feel b/c only HE felt disconnected)

As you can see I am the wicked witch of the north and his A was all my fault (lol)

The funny thing is even my therapist said I was so laid back and considerate he would have married me (joke here). But many of my H's friends would tell him they wish they had a wife like me. He could play golfor basketball or go out with guys as long as we had no plans. I felt we spent time together happily and we could spend time apart too.

So the real reason he had an A was mid life crisis and he was bored and unhappy with his job and career. It then spilled over to his life and then me.

There you have it! And it took him 4 years for him to stop saying "we were disconnected". I was never disconnected - it was all him.

I don't ask questions I know won't be answered. Too darn frustrating!!!

I still have yet to get an apology. She didn't do anything wrong. She was entitled and something is wrong with everyone else. Not her.

^^^^^^^This is my last 6 months in a nutshell.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 8:24 PM, July 5th (Wednesday)]

1. Why? They do not truely have honor. As said many times, it is a choice. They choose the cowardly way. Gratification is what they value.

2. Will? Mine hasn't provided anything close to an "I'm sorry" that is for my pain. I believe she is sorry for the pain and personal loss she is suffering. She is still thinking of what will happen to her. She is still trying to get me to stop exposing truth because it hurts "her".

I got an apology. I still get them several times a day. My WW says she is sorry for everything she has done.

I know she means it. I know that's about all anyone can say, "I'm sorry".

But you know what?

That sorry don't mean shit to me most of the time.

It doesn't take away my pain knowing that she regrets the decisions she made during that time.

My WW claims she doesn't know why she did it. She goes into counseling tomorrow. But i will tell you what she told me the day after DDay when I asked her why.

She said the opportunity was there, she didn't think she would get caught and that she wanted to.

Now think about those words right there and tell me how much SORRY would actually mean to you.

I believe that there are apologies and then there are apologies. My wife apologized the night came clean, the night she was going to ask me to sign off on our house so she could buy her own (more of a fallen angel speech) and several times when I was triggering (more of a defensive mechanism). As for the why that has never come out directly, like a true apology.

If however, you read in between the lines and understand the the waywards issues, you might be surprised to find out that you did get those items or you at getting those items. My not be the way you want but....

Honestly, I would love an actual apology at this point that recognizes the amount of pain and the depth of the betrayal and its effects on not just me but the family. I am certain I will not get that though.

I would also like a true explanation, but that's another thing I am certain I will not get. If I was to look at all of the items said to me...

1. she was selfish

2. felt like an absentee parent (not involved in family)

3. recognizes that I was not a bad hubby (the opposite actually)

4. every one she had opened up to had left her...

it all adds up, but it takes time. Is it fair? No. Is it in a way that will ever appease us? doubt it.

There is a great article related to the cost of reconciliation

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity

I read this by another SI poster.

They cheat b/c they WANT to. It is an "all about me" mentality.

I deserve to be happy. I'm not doing anything wrong (maybe not yet). I don't liove my spouse. Blah blah blah

The CS CHOOSES to cheat.

Selfish people. Plain & simple.

And that should answer the question for everyone.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:40 PM, July 8th (Saturday)]

Why ?

I don't know.

Will your WS ever understand?

Depends.

Here is a thread on the subject.

"How long after Dday till WS usually "gets it" "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=605727