SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I told my daughter's Godmother about my WH's A, she welcomed me to the club of betrayed spouse's. It was jaw dropping to hear her then tell me her deceased husband had an A and had a child with the AP.

We talked about forgiveness. I said I'll never forgive him and she told me I eventually will have to. Not for him, but for me or it will impede my healing.

If that's the case, I'll never be healed because no matter what he could ever say or do, I will never find it in my heart to forgive him. Those who can forgive their spouse have my respect, because that takes strength above and beyond what I have.

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you forget. People often think those are the same. I believe God gives us a memory so we can protect ourselves from future hurts of the same kind.

Do any of us BS's NOT resent our WS for their affair? They deliberately decided to hurt us, and in many cases kept making that decision for years. During their affair most of us were abused mentally and physically, for some this abuse was extreme, some have PTSD or GAD, some have come down with some wonderful STD's.

My WW's AP was in our home. He slept in our bed. Met and befriended my daughters. Stole souvenirs from me. My WW spend thousands going to see him, buying him gifts - he even had the gall to ask her for a loan (thankfully she denied him). WW was physically abusive during and after Dday, breaking my things and throwing plates and all sorts of things at me.

I had NO idea what was going on, and was doing everything I could to fix all the bad things she was saying about me. When she was away (with OM - of course I didn't know, and thought she was visiting her mother) and I would call she would scream at me over the phone; telling me I was an awful person for trying to control her (via a phone call).

I will resent all that she did until the day I die, and maybe even afterward.

So, in my mind, as long as there is resentment there cannot be true forgiveness. However, I can accept what happened and move on with my life. Her affair will always be a part of our history together, and it will always matter. But I can accept it, which is as far as I can move toward forgiveness.

I am of the belief that forgiveness isn't needed in order to move forward. I'm moving forward with my H but I will never forgive him for putting us in this situation. His continued actions of being a model WS is what keeps us moving forward. We would be over If he reverted back to being wayward.

This is my first post. I am three months out from DD. I have already forgiven WS for his infidelity. I choose to forgive because I do not want to be a miserable hateful wife to him. We have chosen to reconcile and work on a better marriage than we had before. We have been married 31 years this was the first affair that lasted three months. We were not in a good place in our marriage new grandparents, empty nesters transitioning to a new phase in life.We are in counseling and doing well. The only problem I am having is Triggers. Little things will get my mind going to places I do want to go. My imagination runs wild. What did they do? Where did they go? Did she do this to him? Did he do this to her? I don't want to ask any more questions I already know too many of the details. How do I get passed this part?

I agree with SadinAZ. Forgiveness isn't necessary to heal IMO. You just need to accept it. You can't change it or cut it out like a cancer. Its there and will always be there. Acceptance is always the last stage of grief for a reason. Eventually time takes away the pain.

I haven't forgiven. This is unforgivable to me for many reasons.

I always thought I had to forgive anyone who wronged me. When I realized I would attempt R, I searched and tried to read about forgiveness. It didn't sit right with me. I had this huge hole in my heart. My WH and his AP wronged and committed a grave sin against me.

I poured over my bible searching for guidance....I realized, a divorce is allowed in adultery...I didn't have to forgive WH or AP. Attempting R is a gift.

It also really upsets me...no matter what was going on in my marriage my WH had no qualms about hurting another man. His AP was married with 2 small children.

He took another man's wife. His AP took my husband. I just do not think something like that is forgivable. There is now adultery in my children's lives. That is not forgivable to me.

Not being able to forgive tore at me. I couldn't stand the pain of not forgiving. I went to confession several times regarding this turmoil. The last time I discussed this in confession. I started to cry and I said this has been such an unfair burden. The burden is on me to forgive. And now I am a sinner because of their sin. The priest looked at me and said, You are so right. It is horrible burden to place on you. You do not need to rush this. A heavy burden must be resolved with logical steps of actions. Release yourself from the expectation of forgiveness. This is a heavy burden. He then told me he would be on his knees every night praying for me.

I am 12 months out and I do not forgive. My heart still hurts. I accept this. I also accept I am willing to give the gift of R. I am willing to offer and seek a bitterfree marriage. I will not forgive it. I am not at that point yet.

I have accepted that my WH destroyed our marriage.

I have accepted that my WH is a narcissist.

I have accepted that my WH is a self entitled, arrogant, spoiled, man child.

Will I forgive him? Absolutely not.

Will I forgive his AP's that knew me and about me? Absolutely not.

My first WH was also a WH. I forgave him and moved on and went on to marry current WH. I honestly believe if I did not forgive XWH, I would never have gotten married again.

Everyone has variations on what forgiveness is. Some, like me, make a distinction between letting go and forgiveness.

I disagree forgiveness or letting go must happen to heal, and I think forgiveness/letting go is only possible AFTER you've healed. I think forgiveness/letting go is a by-product of healing and flows naturally after healing. I do not think it's something that you choose.

I have not let go yet as I'm not done healing. I don't think I will be capable of forgiveness unless I divorce. But as I've been on my journey, my whole view and perspective has changed. My sense of self has greatly improved and I'm no longer co-dependent. Breaking that was the biggest factor in learning what I will and won't accept anymore. I'm in limbo and separated, so we still have things to work out.