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My Husband got his results yesterday. Or at least most of them. The doc explained everything very patiently but also firmly. Apparently Husbands thyroid is completely out of whack. (we will have the full details next month) It must have been noticeably in 2008 or even before then. The doc is very optimistic that with patience and diligence the right way to address his thyroid will be found in due course. H. was also tested for T- Levels. But I expect them to be out of whack as well.

Today we hat MC. Husband shared the results towards the end of the session. MC asked why he never acted on his feeling of being unwell way before. He did not answer. I went mad, cause exactly this question has been on my mind ever since the doc told us whats going on. We had 5 years before I cheated, 3 years of bliss. Then he changed and our bedroom was put down. Why did he not ask a doc before? Why did he never listen to me pleading to be heard. When I told him I was seeing him work himself ragged, putting work way before or small children. When our children cried for their father to be there when they came home, when I was telling him how he changed, how much I needed him to be healthy and well. I began getting angry, irritated and sad. I lashed out at him. "Why was our marriage not good enough 9 years ago? Why did you stay if I was not what you wanted, was it my Money? Was it custody? Was it a maid or someone to treat badly? Why did you never care about our bedroom but about in wich one I tried to find my sanity? Why was our Marriage suddenly so important? Your ego so Important? Why did I sacrifice myself for a marriage you were not truly committed to? What made you fight for R - cause it damn sure is not Love!" Many more thinks were said, and in the end I felt good. Like a large boulder off my chest. The MC told us: That Outburst was necessary, it was the Resentment from 9 Years finally let out. She also asked my H. to work on this question, to explore if he was still into it.

Later me and my H. will talk. I hope to have clarity then. I will apologize for yelling at him, and for the pain I inflicted again.

Stored resentment is a killer, both to individuals and the marriage :( I was a professional.

That's why it's so important to address things quickly and work to resolve them. Yes, you could have said it better no doubt (anger rarely makes for good fuel, unless you are trying to life a car off a child).

It probably was necessary, but it's good you apologized and recognized your error in it.

Thank you for sharing.

Still about him.

I guess you like his IC, your MC now that you had a chance to have a go at him. I guess two wrongs do make a right for some. Deadbedroom. Vengeful affair. Husband and MC get on you. You get on him. At least you guys are finally communicating and you have finally voiced your resentments.

" MC asked why he never acted on his feeling of being unwell way before. "

Maybe because he was feeling unwell pretty much explains it all, I'd think.

Have you ever experienced a chronic condition or illness? Have you ever talked to someone that has? It's pretty much all they can do to put one foot in front of the other and keep all the balls in air they need to.

He changed because his health changed. Now you know that I'd think that would be very comforting and would switch the focus to his health and well being.

I am not in your marriage so there are things that go on an outsider wouldn't see but I'm honestly heartbroken for your husband right now and I'm not a really "heartbreaky" kind of person.

Zugzwang: I did not want to get back at him, I just got angry and these questions are valid. I have a good bit of money inherited from a relative of my Mother. It is protected by our postnuptial - until the postnuptial runs out in a year. So I suspect he never wanted me but my money when he made the decision to R. The new MC was consulted after our old one was unable to continue practicing and my Husband chose the new one.

wishicouldfly:

He changed because his health changed

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Would you not consult a doc if you feel strange? For yourself, for your family? Your marriage? After your Wife had cancer you did not feel the need to check if you have none? He needs to accept that I ask these questions, the the doc and MC ask these questions. Both my Mother, and my Sister had thyroid problems. In their teenage years. My Sister takes pills and my mother had it taken out. So I am familiar with chronic illness

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Would you not consult a doc if you feel strange? For yourself, for your family? Your marriage? After your Wife had cancer you did not feel the need to check if you have none? He needs to accept that I ask these questions, the the doc and MC ask these questions. Both my Mother, and my Sister had thyroid problems. In their teenage years. My Sister takes pills and my mother had it taken out. So I am familiar with chronic illness

If you took the time to look outside of your own self you would be able to see that not everyone will think, feel or act the way you do. Just because you react a certain way to issues doesn't mean that he will.

We are all unique individuals and we have our own unique responses to situations.

Why is it such a struggle for you to see beyond yourself? Do you see that as a problem and are you doing anything to fix it?

BS here. No stop sign.

Way to go making it all about you again. His medical condition = "OMG! I sacrificed. i was right all along!I am the victim all along! I would never have had an affair if you had only done what Iasked/told/pleaded you to do.."

Your MC is right. It is a whole lot of resentment. There still is. He stays because of your money. He never loved you the way you deserved to be loved....because he was sick.

Why didn't you drag him to the Doctor? You [boldknew] you were right, there was something medically wrong with him. Why didn't you stop being a maid? Just be a mom who didn't go outside the marriage and destroy a family?

Look it is harsh what I said. But the point is you couldn't make him do a single thing he wasn't ready to face himself. Just like he can't make you see how hard he was trying to hold the family together (just like you were) in the best way he knew how. There is a lot of finger pointing here, a whole lot more than Self-reflection.

Why stay with a man who treats you badly and only stays for your money? You have a choice. You are not a Martyr.

This is a great opportunity to learn how to show empathy for your H. Try to see things from his point of view and for him to do the same for you.

Peace and strength

I have been called one of the most compassionate people by many. Yes, there might be some people who would turn inward when faced with medical problems - but that was never H. style before. He did have some ongoing pain in his arm years ago and went to a doc as soon as he could. Same with his shoulder. Even his family was shocked and they did not mince words now either.

I sacrificed. i was right all along!I am the victim all along! I would never have had an affair if you had only done what Iasked/told/pleaded you to do.."

I was victim of his Low Libido. But I do not claim that it makes me innocent. Despite what you all want to believe I am not a bad person.

He stays because of your money.

There are many signs for that to be true. Even my Parents and his father are questioning it. I will not divulge as I think he reads here.

I was victim of his Low Libido.

Maybe..

But now he is a victim of your infidelity

You might want to see if your husband has depression. That might be the reason why he didn't go to the doctor. Living with someone who is having an affair even before you discover the affair is hell. Before I knew about the affair I would have days of not wanting to get out of bed because of the way my WH was treating me. I thought something was going on, questioned him and was gaslighted big time. WH made me feel like there was something wrong with me and I was going crazy. My WH too had complaints about our sex life. He was not kind or compromising when we would discuss it even though we were having sex once or twice a week. WH would complain about my sexual performance after sex. Basically I felt like I was being critiqued afterwards. Between feeling like a failure as a lover/wife and being lied to/saying I was jealous, had daddy issues and that's the reason I could not trust him (when I would confront him about suspicious stuff) I became depressed. I also have a low thyroid and on medication, so I understand him not having any energy. Maybe between the thyroid issue and depression (due to your affair) that's why he didn't go to the doctor? When you are depressed it's very hard to get motivated to do anything then on top of the thyroid issue it can suck the life right out of you. I honestly feel bad for WH because you are not emphatic to his diagnosis or the fact you cheated on him. Please for WH's sanity start looking at yourself and give the poor guy a break.

I also wanted to add that your criticism of your sex life with BH before and during your affair was probably very hurtful to him as it was for me. Which is the reason I thought maybe he was depressed. It always upsets me how little compassion a WS has when they have a complaint in the marriage then wonders why the said complaint isn't changed. Instead of trying to work on the issue with kindness and maybe trying to compromise because it is rare to find a couple who has the same sex drive. Criticizing your spouse is not going to make them want to have more sex or boost their libido. It will have the opposite effect. Then to add salt to the wound WS cheats and when caught blames them for their affair because of "deadbedroom". Crazy making shit for sure.

Despite what you all want to believe I am not a bad person.

This is another kernel and a place to dig, if you ever do get to the self-introspection phase.

I think your brain wiring might be such that you start with the above as a premise and then work backward from there, choosing which things to emphasize and which to minimize so that your view of yourself through the eyes of other people lines up with the premise.

Gosh it's familiar to me. My brain was wired like this and I spent my life in a perpetual state of internal and external "spin" to keep myself from being seen as a bad person. Because I saw myself primarily through other people's eyes, the external spin was the most important. I was not even aware of the internal spin, but it was there oh yes it was. It was only when I was able to drop my defenses against that internal spin and start to question what I "knew" to be true about me, well that's when I started making some real progress in the healing department.

Dig here.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Why is it so hard to believe that I am a good person now? that I did do a lot of introspection and that I made changes to become the good person I am today?

But now he is a victim of your infidelity

Please show me where I negated that? Where did I claim to be blameless?

your criticism of your sex life with BH before and during your affair was probably very hurtful to him

Please visit the Reddit dead bedroom and read some stories, listen to those who are in a dead bedroom, who get gaslighted, ridiculed and spawn upon by their so called married partners. Maybe then you will have a bit more empathy towards those suffering from a db. Exercise your empathy and cmpassion - wich you find I sorely lack.

It always upsets me how little compassion a WS has when they have a complaint in the marriage then wonders why the said complaint isn't changed. Instead of trying to work on the issue with kindness and maybe trying to compromise because it is rare to find a couple who has the same sex drive.

So to you a WS has no right to complain at all? Even if he gets gaslighted and rejected each day? The High Libido partner is a SA? Well, you are coming across as a narcissistic Low Libido Person who wants to have the cake and eat it too. Unwilling and unable to see the calif needs of others, blinded by your righteousness.

Why is it so hard to believe that I am a good person now? that I did do a lot of introspection and that I made changes to become the good person I am today?

I am known to take myself apart, seeing only negatives in me regularly.

The first 5 years after my A. I dug deep on all aspects of my personality and took great pains to fundamentally change myself.

I blamed myself for any kind of alteration in our marriage, hated myself for my A. and the pain it caused.

It was not until I was diagnosed with Cancer and knew I would not get support from my H. (he was just not able to and I understand why) that I was forced to see how damaging this kind of mentality is.

It would have killed me. It would have been the Cancers greatest alley. I began to do radical self love. I read up on caring for and loving my body, my mind and my soul.

It was hard to change my thought patterns, to adjust to this new way of seeing myself and others.

I began to see the damage that was in me from before the A. The damage I never acknowledged before. This stored resentment wich just grew with every passing day.

BUT through all this I kept up providing an environment conductive to is healing, I showered him with love and respect, openness and compassion. I acknowledged my grievous error and apologized for my hateful actions. I was there when je triggered and talked him through difficult situations.

I supported him in everything and hoped to atone for my faults.

Until the end of the treatment when he went out of his way to hurt me by telling me that the Cancer was Karma and he was glad for it. With this sentence something in me just began rip open.

The festering wound of Resentment was now lying open for all to see. I began to become selfish, angry and cowardly. Still trying to R and to forget the Resentment in order to be the best fWS.

So when the bubble of pus exploded and the pus of Resentment came out this way I understood just how neglectful I still am towards my body, mind and soul. Cause it could have been avoided by draining the bubble in a controlled, and supervised manner in MC long before. After the gunshot wound of the A. had stopped bleeding and healing was underway the other wounds should have been cleaned and bandaged up. I should have insisted on it. And this why is something I am currently working on.

But now he is a victim of your infidelity

Please show me where I negated that? Where did I claim to be blameless?

your criticism of your sex life with BH before and during your affair was probably very hurtful to him

Please visit the Reddit dead bedroom and read some stories, listen to those who are in a dead bedroom, who get gaslighted, ridiculed and spawn upon by their so called married partners. Maybe then you will have a bit more empathy towards those suffering from a db. Exercise your empathy and cmpassion - wich you find I sorely lack.

It always upsets me how little compassion a WS has when they have a complaint in the marriage then wonders why the said complaint isn't changed. Instead of trying to work on the issue with kindness and maybe trying to compromise because it is rare to find a couple who has the same sex drive.

So to you a WS has no right to complain at all? Even if he gets gaslighted and rejected each day? The High Libido partner is a SA? Well, you are coming across as Low Libido Person who wants to have the cake and eat it too.

Have a marriage with a faithful partner but sex only on your timetable and in your frequency.

Many many LL situations follow the same pattern:

I don't care about your "needs". I'm here because you're offering something else (insert finances, stability, a front, etc.) But you better not be unfaithful, either! (And when you leave after waiting way too long for them to wake up) How dare you! Don't you know that you're only supposed to exist for my needs?!

I was patiently trying to get him into acting - but He for all intents and purposes cannot change because to even begin to consider such a thing would mean he would have to admit he had a problem. Something my H. was never able to.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 7:23 AM, July 15th (Saturday)]

If your husband is such a terrible person, then why try to reconcile with him?

I was victim of his Low Libido.

You may have been in the beginning. But, you chose to stay and be a victim afterward. I don't mean to be a douche. The people here do have empathy. But, at some point you have to take responsibility for keeping yourself in a situation and focus on that instead of the man that chose to be an ass. You can rage all you want about the man he was. It isn't going to get you anywhere. The only thing that is going to get you anywhere is focusing on who you are and why you chose to stay instead of leaving. Be honest with yourself. Or you can spend forever focusing on why he didn't treat you the way you deserved to be treated. Personally, I would focus on why I put up with being treated that way for so long.

Despite what you all want to believe I am not a bad person.

Personally I think we are bad people when we cheat. You aren't cheating anymore. I don't think you are bad. You are trying to get help. People are just pointing out that you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Start focusing on why you stayed for so long before you cheated. If you can't focus on the fact that you chose to cheat. Move on from there. Focus on why you let the situation go that far for years.

If you truly believe he stays for the money. Then, why stay and give him the satisfaction of getting it?

My brain was wired like this and I spent my life in a perpetual state of internal and external "spin" to keep myself from being seen as a bad person.

Same here. I kept up with AP2 even though I really couldn't stand her just so I can still be seen as a "good guy KISA". I didn't give a shit about anyone. Just my reputation. Allowed my APs to talk shit about my wife and encouraged it for several months after Dday, just to be admired by people I didn't even admire. That is why my wife called us a clique.

Stop seeing the negatives in you and start seeing your coping skills.

You have continuously told us to read about the dead bedroom on another forum. Out of curiosity,I did just that.

Rather eye opening,to say the least. And it's obvious why you continue to resist the advice you have received here.

Thanks for completely ignoring that your husband might be depressed due to your affair and the low thyroid also contributing to his lack of energy.

Nope never said WH could not come to me and work on an issue. Not sure where you go that, but okay. And I never said he was a SA. Again not sure where you got that from. Anyway we did talk about it a lot and I tried compromising with him and it was never enough. Many years of me trying to make him happy. I'm not going into everything because it's not worth my time with a wayward who has no remorse. Again it's rare when two people have the same sex drive. I'd say mine was average, so please do not assume it was low or that I wasn't having sex at all.

Perhaps you're right on the compassion issue with you. You might want to put a stop sign on your post so only WW's can post. There are a lot of amazing waywards on here that will you give awesome advice. Please listen to them. I should have never replied to your post. In my opinion you only come to vent about your BH and nothing else. Thought maybe giving my perspective might open up your eyes to your husband's pain. Obviously I was wrong. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by darkangel at 3:02 PM, July 15th (Saturday)]

Get rid of the good bad labeling.

People are neither good nor bad. They tend to be flawed.

Our actions ARE good and/or bad, but we are not made up of our actions.

Using labels like that put you into a defensive stance that is counter productive to listening to what people are really saying. I know, my ex did that endlessly and could not hear anything I ever said.

Yes, the affair was bad but you are not defined by that.