SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm in a dark place. He won't sign divorce papers.. I'm willing to given up everything we share, but he says no..he says he can drag this out for years if I want to. He knows I still love him and filing for divorce is the hardest thing I've ever done. I dont understand why hes doing this. I was a GREAT wife. I always had his back!! I worked 3 jobs after finding about this treacherous woman he cheated with to care for him post heart attack..and he won't even sign the papers.. Smh.. what do I do now??

[This message edited by MrsAshamed at 10:35 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Glad to hear you're doing well for the most part, MrsA.

...I acknowledge that I love him but I cant quite smile..every good memory that I have is overshadowed by the affair..which is why I think I've decided to ask for divorce..I just don't think I can reconcile anymore..is this wrong?? Should I give it more time?? He's in therapy too and is really trying...Everyone in my life expects me to fix my marriage..some people think that we are in reconciliation process already..I'm scared to death of starting over alone, but I just don't think I can stay...

There's no right or wrong way to heal, and quite frankly, other people don't have to live your life. You're the one who will ultimately live with any decision you make, so.. yeah, friends and family can have opinions, but you're the one whose opinion counts most.

It typically takes 2-5 years to heal from intimate betrayal, so just because you feel ambivalent towards your WH today, it doesn't mean you'll always feel that way. Doesn't mean you won't either. It's very difficult to regain respect for our WS once we've lost it. With effort, some of us do and some of us don't. Most people in successful R have found a way to restart intimacy though. The biochemical benefits of good sex help to strengthen the pair-bond. R may be difficult without it.

You know, you can divorce for any reason any time you like. If you're leaning that way, I think talking it over with an attorney to see what your finances will look like is going to be important and it might actually inform your decision. That said, it's still early in the healing process so giving it more time wouldn't necessarily be wasted time. Sorry to not be more helpful, but I'm on the spot and I really wasn't sure, I'd research my options and give it a little more time.

MrsA, it's not wrong in the slightest. The A and the 11 years of lying was a deal breaker for you. You tried R and it's not working. I personally would not stay in a marriage where being with my spouse caused sadness and I couldn't be intimate. That sounds very difficult. You've given it over a year and it's not working. That's okay. You will be just fine.

My only advice is if you do go through with D, I really think that you should start detaching from him if you ever intend on dating again. Maybe it's not on your mind right now but it's going to be impossible in the future to try and fit a new love in while your XWH sees you every day and pines for you. The situation you have now does not sound healthy or sustainable in the long run.

MrsA, it’s your prerogative. It’s doesn’t matter what others say.

If you choose D, it’s fine.

If you choose R, then I would make him read the Linda McDonald book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, and wouldn’t hesitate to communicate what you need to heal, he has to fix it and it seems that maybe he’s not doing a good job enough. Maybe you love him but lost respect for him?

So glad to see you advancing with your path out of infidelity! Keep posting!

I asked for a divorce..he said no..I'm not sure what happens now. I'm so confused..he says I didn't really try to reconcile..I'm not sure I did..I'm not sure of anything anymore..I don't understand why it is so important to him to stay married..if he loved me soooooooo effing much, why did he do it?? This question; he cant answer.. "I made a bad decision ". That's all he can say. im so tired of trying to figure this out..

You dont need his permission to divorce. File for divorce, and ask that you get exclusive rights to the house,so he has to leave.

No one has to attempt reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:40 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Mrs A,

I do not think I have posted in your thread before, but I have been following your story from its beginning.

In psychology, there is a famous theory called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It dates back to the 1930s, and it proposes that our ultimate need is self-realization. Effectively, it means reaching a point where we become ourselves. Our true selves, as we ant to be, not what others may want us to be.

It seems like there are a lot of people in your life who have wanted you to be who and what they want you to be.

And like so many wonderful and amazing women, I am sure that you have done everything you can to be the best daughter, mother, sister, niece, aunt, and friend that you can possibly be for the people around you.

Now, finally, you are now at a point where you can make a decision based on who you want to be in future, in response to what has happened to you.

I would be willing to bet that like many women, you have beaten yourself up all your life about how well you fulfilled the roles you played in the lives of others. "Was I a good enough..."

People of both sexes do it.

You know what? You have no jury to answer to. The only person you should answer to now is yourself. Finally, after fulfilling all the other roles that you have in the lives of others, you get to call the shots in your life.

If you feel like you want to remain married, stay married. If you feel like you need to divorce, then divorce. It has to be 100% about you, and what you need for yourself.

As a man, I understand your husband wanting to stay married to you. You come across in your posts as a thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate, and loving human being.

As dumb as your husband was to not recognise how lucky he was to have you as his wife, I am sure that the possibility of losing you has made him realise how much poorer his life would be without you. We all have a sense of self-preservation, and we protect our valuables.

You are 100% correct to ask, "If I was so valuable, why did you do x, y, z?" There is no adequate answer to that.

However, your husband now knows how lucky he was to ever have you in his life, and he is undoubtedly panicking at the thought of you not being there. And if he needs to play dirty to prevent you from going, he will.

If he has to make you doubt your performance in reconciliation, he will. If he has to make you question your performance as wife, mother, sister, aunt, niece, friend, etc, he will.

Mrs A: please do not let questions about you or your 'good character' sway you. Like so many wonderful and eminently love-worthy women in these forums, you did a bang-up job for other people.

This is not about your performance. It is not even about your husband's performance. It is about how you feel, and what you feel.

If you want to stay with your husband for the rest of your life, and you feel that from the bottom of your soul, there is not a human being on the face of the planet who has the right to question that. If you feel like you cannot continue in the marriage, there is not a human being on the face of the planet who has the right to question that.

As much as everyone who has become involved in your thread feels for you, and wants the best for you, only you can make this decision. And as much as I, speaking as a betrayed man, know why any man would fight to keep a woman like you, I want you to make a decision based solely on what you want for yourself.

Your husband forfeited stake in controlling the way the marriage goes when he chose to step outside of it. That does not mean you have to divorce him; it just means that he has to accept whatever you decision you reach on behalf of yourself and your future.

he says I didn't really try to reconcile..I'm not sure I did.

I know he is clutching at straws, but your H is the reason that both of you are even attempting reconciliation. Without his A, the whole reconciliation thing would not be an issue now. The fact that you have even considered reconciliation is a reason for him to kiss your feet, and give thanks for your compassion. Questioning your commitment to reconciliation? I really don't think he should be going there, if he thinks the argument through.

Mrs A, after what you have gone through, the decision should be yours and yours alone. Everyone else needs to shut the F up. And yes, I know how dumb that sounds to write in a forum. We all know what I mean.

It boils down to this: follow your heart.

You are holding a pen, about to write the story of the rest of your life. How do you want it to go?

He seems to feel entitled to reconciliation. And if you're reluctant or disinclined it's because your bullshit detector smells the lack of remorse in his demeanor.

A remorseful man would recognize he's entitled to nothing after such a betrayal and is grateful for every bit of grace and works hard to make amends regardless of whether or not reconciliation is even possible.

I'm struggling right now.. He's heartbroken that I asked for divorce.. He's been working hard to repair what he broke between us..I know that. I can see that. I don't want to hurt him. That's never been my intention. I've never promised anything concrete (except when he had the heart attack but we both agreed that this was an emotional pledge to reconile that shouldn't have happened) I've been trying to take care of myself. He is pleading for another chance. Begging me not to file. I'm not heartless. I love him very much. It tears me heart to see him this way, but this pill is way too hard to swallow for me. It's been nearly two years, and I'm still hurting. I don't cry everyday anymore not am I ashamed, but it hurts. I think of the affair a lot. Even though they both admitted the affair only lasted a couple months, I feel like I was cheated on the entire 11 years. The deception and knowing that he sent her all that money is probably just too much for me. But yes, I can see that I've sent mixed signals. I can see that I need to choose reconciliation or divorce and stop dangling between these lines. No. I never did couples therapy. He wants to. But I'm not ready for that. I don't think I want to be married to him, so what's the point? I want to keep my own therapist. I know this doesn't make sense, but he used to be my best friend. 2 years ago, I was sure that he was the love of my life and the one person I could depend on no matter what. Today, I question everything about him. I don't believe anything he says. Though we have a good relationship, he's not my best friend anymore. Just writing this hurts so much, but it's true. I dont want him to know how much i still hurt. I dont want him there when i talk about my insecurities. I dont want him to see me cry. I share my innermost thoughts with my therapist. He doesnt deserve to know these things about me anymore. He thinks I can regain trust in him over time. He believes he can prove his love for me through better choices and actions .I need him to understand that I will never love him that way again. Maybe it could work out. Maybe we could have a happy life, but I know that I will never be that woman and/or wife I used to be. I'm not the same person anymore..and its weird. I dont want to hurt him, eventhough hes demolished me. Then i feel bad, because i shouldnt care about him at all. I should've walked away and never looked back. Isnt that what a strong woman would've done?? But im not a strong woman..apparently, i was a doormat because this man walked all over me for 11 years and ibdidnt have a clue..I'm struggling right now guys..im just struggling really badly..

MrsA, you can't live your life for someone else and be happy. You can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Every time you come here, it's clear that you want a D and that's okay. If the only reason for R for you would be to not hurt him, don't do it.

Go ahead and file for D. Keep talking to your therapist and get to a place where you can put yourself first in this situation. It doesn't matter how badly he wants R when you don't and I think from the fact that you don't feel comfortable sharing emotional intimacy with him and don't see the point because you want out speaks volumes. You get to make choices for yourself now without consideration for him since he had 11 years of making choices without any consideration for you.

I didn't read the last few updates. What happened with the children? Was a paternity test done? Glad therapy is helping and previous posters were right. You do not need his approval to divorce. Did he ask for your approval when he went outside your marriage??

You've been trying for 2 years - that's tremendous!

You're not hurting him. He's upset because he's not getting his way but HIS actions caused this. You must take care of yourself.

My ex husband was very weepy and whiny about wanting to stay together. But like you, I didn't feel an ounce of security with him after d-day and I knew I didn't have the constitution to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. Knowing that this person can look me in the eye and lie-day after day, with no issue-who can live under those circumstances? Loving somebody doesn't mean you're required to stay married/partnered for life. No!

Continue in your therapy. You're correct - if you don't want to stay married going to MC will be a waste. Also - those therapists are in the business of keeping you coming back. They can't be neutral. Marriage counseling is "stay together counseling".

You'll be okay. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time now. It won't always feel this way!

You've been trying for 2 years - that's tremendous!

You're not hurting him. He's upset because he's not getting his way but HIS actions caused this. You must take care of yourself.

My ex husband was very weepy and whiny about wanting to stay together. But like you, I didn't feel an ounce of security with him after d-day and I knew I didn't have the constitution to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. Knowing that this person can look me in the eye and lie-day after day, with no issue-who can live under those circumstances? Loving somebody doesn't mean you're required to stay married/partnered for life. No!

Continue in your therapy. You're correct - if you don't want to stay married going to MC will be a waste. Also - those therapists are in the business of keeping you coming back. They can't be neutral. Marriage counseling is "stay together counseling".

You'll be okay. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time now. It won't always feel this way!

I went through two corporate trainings on developing trust; theoretically it can be done. But human beings are not theory. Stephen M.R. Covey wrote a book that one training is based on, where he discusses building trust where trust has been lost.

My husband started rebuilding trust 6 years ago when I blew up his world and put divorce on the table. I gave him as much time as it would take to complete a divorce to. my. advantage. And that would take some time.

K8la,

This is very interesting. I would be interested to know more. Like, how many setbacks are allowed before trust is completely detroyed?

Dear Lady,

I do not post often but your story caught my heart because you are such a kind and compassionate person who seemed to be sublimating her life and happiness for your WH given his illness. He has now become complacent and is using distress over your mention of divorce to guilt you back into the mode he has come to expect.

Have you read Linda McDonald’s short book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? It is free on-line in pdf. Read it and mark the portions that resonate most with you. Then give it to WH and tell him that if he wants any chance to save the M he will read that and take action. Then see what happens. You will find out fairly quickly if he can be a “rebuilder.” If he stays in blaming and “pity me” mode you will see that more clearly having read the book yourself and knowing what you need to see from him.

I suggest this because it is a concrete action you can take that will generate clear results that will help you decide what you want from YOUR life.

Take care,

Odonna

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:15 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Do what is best for you. And don’t feel guilty about it.

healing comes differently for everyone. Some recover after a few months others it might take years.

I can offer only what worked for me, I blasted the affair to everyone. I. did. not. care. I wanted them to suffer like I was. It helped me. I waffled on divorcing as well, instead I did do the MC and IC even though I didn't want to. It actually helped. You just found out what a little over a year or two? Girl, I'm almost 12 years out and I still flash back to some hurt but I can say it does get better. (the flashing back). The fact he lied for 11 years is one thing that hurts the most. Take your time. You can start the divorce process while doing MC. At least doing MC you can honestly say you tried everything.

As for the AW (Affair witch) - the fact she will not have the kids DNA tested shows that she is lying and wants money. The fact you offered to pay at a private institute and she didn't want to do it proves she is a liar. She saw an easy mark and decided to take advantage of it. Until you and your WH know for sure that they belong to him, you have a dark cloud over your head. Your WH needs a lawyer, and needs to go to court to have his paternity verified or not. He has to do this, you can't - once that has occurred, then you can move forward. You need to get your lawyer to write a Cease and desist letter to his witch so that she cannot harass YOU. If your husband so chooses, he can also get that done - and *IF* paternity is proven, any contact with the OW would need to go through the lawyers or a family email addy that you both have access too. If DNA proves otherwise, sue her for any monies he has paid out. That is fraud.

The fact she is constantly coming in your life is what causes you to remain hurting as much as the day you discovered it. IF after you do MC and find out DNA, you still can't see yourself married divorce and know that you did everything you could.

Now if you reconcile, and if the kids are his - I can only tell you what I told my WH when his AP tried to say she was pregnant - "if you want to stay with me, *YOU* will need not have anything to do with that child. Any child support will come from the second job YOU take and you will make it up to me and *OUR* kids". Sorry, I'm just not nice enough to put up with OCs. Wish I was.

bumped at OP's request.