SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

oops! double post!

[This message edited by Odonna at 5:06 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Just checking in on you today Mrs. A.

((((MrsA))))

I am very worried that you're going to be the next one to have a heart attack or stroke...you are doing too much...mental anguish for almost a year and working three jobs since March with no end in sight.

This is no way for any human to live.

Edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:16 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

Hi Mrs A

This is my first post to your thread. I have stopped in to read on a number of occasions, but this is the first time I see, from some of your more recent post, that you might be in a place where you will be able to relate to some of my experience. I am hoping that by sharing a little of it, I might be able to give some support.

First off though. I will only ever address you as Mrs A. In my book, that is who you are. The one who brings their “A game” to this awful experience of infidelity. The strong one. The empowered woman. The number one. The top of the list.

You know that when any list is ordered alphabetically, “A” is always at the top of the pile, and that is where you belong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are the abused. Yet you are not the one floundering in hospital. You are working 3 jobs to keep the family fed, clothed, with health insurance and housed. You are the one sacrificing your counselling and yet you are the wounded one. The abused one. If you look at my recent posts on my profile, you should be able to find a few posts I made to a thread of Mrs Walloped. If you read those you might get a sense of just how serve the abuse that you have had inflicted on you is. I don’t think that, outside of the BS community, there is a human alive who understands the extent of this abuse that has been inflicted on us. I don’t believe that even the most remorseful WS has a clue of how deep the wound is. And yet you are the one keeping it all together, for everyone else in the family. And doing that without the support of anyone. And, because you have kept it to yourselves, not even the hope of some understanding.

This month, a year ago, I found SI. So much of where you find yourself, reminds me of where I was when I made that first post to JFO. This is what I said in the 3rd paragraph of that first post;

I have just been a silent observer on SI until today but I feel as if I have at last found a safe place where there is some understanding of the hell I am living in. The world goes on around me. There is laughter, children running, commercial transactions happening, conversations over meals being shared, and no one notices that I am in this isolated capsule of hell and torment.

I have a sense that in those words of mine, you will recognise so much of what you are feeling. Then I read several of your posts and understand each of them as if they were my own.

I know logically, I didn't cause this. But I feel like I caused this.

I was always the stable reliable, one in the M and the family. After I told XWW of my decision to D, she had a mini meltdown. I felt responsible, and I tried to take the action to mitigate it. Recently she had a number of issues with the letting of her one townhouse. Fixing them would be a sinch for me. Do you have any idea of how hard it was for me not to fix them for her? Those words of yours. They were in my head. You and I both know that THEY DID IT TO US, not us to them. Why can we not get that through our thick skulls? Because we are the kind and caring. It is in the DNA. It is who we are. We never need to stop being that. We just need to stop being the KISA for them, as they will just keep using it to, manipulate, hurt and abuse us. I have found that there is more than enough need in the world for me to still be kind, and human, and get fulfillment, without being XWW’s constant saviour

He says she meant nothing.

And our WS’s think that saying this will somehow make our agony less . How are their minds wired. I see this said so often in Wayward and I just want to scream at them . How does it make it better that you valued me and our M so little that you would risk it all for someone that meant nothing to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My XWW valued me, my 2 precious little people and the M that that I treasured, less than a “snog in a toilet”’ Mmm, I really meant a lot to her, didn’t I.

The OW contacted me with laughing emogii. SaYing sorry to hear your husband had a heart attack. Lol. Who does that?

I know, how do we ever understand the mind wiring of a wayward. My XWW’s choice was just as poor.

Everything I have is gone

I know how that feels. I felt like that. I can now share that a year from discovering SI, I see the exact opposite. Instead of me having lost everything, I have found myself. The true me. A much nicer guy to be around. I am still a work in process but, I am now proud of being me, and am so nice in fact, I actually have friends. Am my children’s hero, and they love me even more than ever before. We are living life to the full. I realise how precious a gift,time with them is, and don’t compromise time and experiences with my kids for anything. With your strength, all it will take is a little time. You will get there. You cannot believe how incredible that future you is. I just can’t wait for her to come back on here in a years’ time. For her to then share with us all those extra facets that she has discovered. That have always has been there, just never allowed to shine, because of some sort of needing to accommodate him.

Everything that made me who I am is gone.

Again, I know that sentiment. From what I have written above, you will know that I discovered that it was not true for me. There was so much more that I did not see, simply because I was investing so much into an undeserving, uncaring, incapable of true love, selfish wife. Contorting who I was to try and be who I thought I needed to be to make her happy and "deserve" her . I know it to be just as untrue for you. Just give it time.

Can some one please explain WHAT DOES SHE WANT??? Im frantic to understand this. Please..what does this lady need to disappear????

Firstly, from what I said a bit higher up, as a non WS, there is no way you can EVER understand the mind of a WS/AP. What I would imagine she would want, is to again be your puppet master. Again, be the one pulling the strings that make your life one that dances to her tune. It is my firmly held belief that these folk are so low and devoid of soul, that the only way they feel any worth is if they think that they are in control of the life of a pure soul. Surely if they are controlling the life of a pure, innocent soul, then that must make them better in some way than that pure, innocent soul. That must give then some sort of worth?

I've chosen very particularly who I sleep with. I've only been with 1 other person in my whole life (who I thought I was going to marry). By sleeping with her, he's added several people to my bed.

My XWW was my first and only, so again know the agony of that realisation. Again, it brought home to me just how disparate her and my view of our M was. I am not even religious, but sex was such an integral and sacred element of the M, and our M was so valuable to me, that I would never tarnish it in that way. She clearly did not value any of that like I did.

I'm still off work for another week, maybe longer, depending on how well he does..I am thankful.. really I am...but the pain is still there. He wants to disclose to the kids about the affair. I'm not ready for him to do that yet. I don't care if they hate me. For some reason, right now, I hate myself. I'm hoping this is a phase-something I'm going through temporarily. But I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. This is a new emotion for me...why am I suddenly feeling thus way??

I will not pressure you to do anything that you don’t want to. We hid it from the kids for a year. I thought that telling would hurt them. I was wrong. Not telling hurt them and turned me into a deceitful liar as if I was a wayward. When we finally told them, they finally had the truth about their lives and could then begin to process their reality and begin their own healing journeys.

I'm not weak like mama thinks.

I love this. It is true. I see it as an unbroken golden tread in your last few posts. Again, I see it as a reflection of my coming to consciousness.

It's been 9 months..surely, I'm going to get over this????

Well, I have now shared a bit of my journey. I only found SI at 10 months. It was only the beginning of my “getting over this”. Be patient with yourself.

I feel bad. Not sick, just bad. He's doing better. He’ll be going back to work in June. I'm happy that he's ok. I've made sure he gets his medicine and therapy he needs. I realize that deep down inside, I blame myself for the heart attack. Logically, I know that I didn't cause it. Mentally and emotionally, I've been blaming myself. I promised him that I wouldn't leave again. That I would work it out somehow. But, it's hurting me somehow. I can't explain this without sounding nuts, but I'm not me anymore. I pretend to laugh and watch TV with him. We are spending time together, but I don't talk about anything I really want to talk about. It's when I'm at work that I feel I can be me. Sometimes I sneak to my apartment to talk to friends, watch tv, and sometimes I day dream (which is something I haven't done since I was a girl) about a different life for me.

You owe him nothing. It was him who made solemn promises to you and him who broke those. If you ever were to read that first JFO thread of mine, you would see why I identify so strongly with you. You need to know that you have the right to live a genuine life. One free of pretending to be happy. Fortunately, my experience proves that that is not only a possibility but a probability, now that you are using that strength and taking back control of your decision and your life. Remember, you owe him nothing now.

I think I'm not ready to reconcile, but I'm so afraid of hurting him and Of sending him back to ICU. I keep telling myself that I found the strength to leave him and start over on my own, surely I can find the strength to reconcile. We slept together twice while separated. It was great. BUT now that I've committed to reconciliation, I don't get sexual urges anymore

I am almost sacred that by now I am boring you with all the “I know exactly how that feels”’ but just one more if you will allow. I had total ED with my wife. After what she had given of herself to lowest of the low POSOMs, how on earth could I ever have expected not to have it. If you are finding that you need more strength to reconcile, I would suggest that R might not be for you. He has made all the decisions about your M and YOUR life up to now, without the courtesy of consulting you. It is now your turn to make the decisions, and as selfish as this sounds, from here on out, the only one that you need to consider in those decisions is you. He only ever considered himself in all the ones he made. I had to realise that it was not me who was hurting my XWW in the decisions I was making. It was her who had destroyed the M to beyond rebuilding. Have you ever held yourself responsible for the happiness of any man or boy that might have liked or loved you but who you did not love back? You need to recognise that your M and relationship that you thought you had is gone. Nuclear bomb destroyed gone. Can’t go back there. The radiation is still to toxic. The very best you could ever hope to do is to begin to date this man and try and fall in love with him again. But knowing that this same chap that has now come to court you, is the chap that caused you the greatest hurt you have ever experienced, do you really want to invest that effort? As uncomfortable as what it will be, you have to answer that question. I am not suggesting that your answer will be NO, it is just that you must have that answer to know if you will be happy in R.

My last thought, and it might seem harsh, but I don’t see it that you committed to R. I believe that you were, at the very least, coerced into it. Step back, assemble all the facts, emotions and decision factors, feel yourself completely free to make only the decision that you want, and then take you time to make that decision again.

Okay, just my last comment then. Go back and read Odonna's post again. And again, and again. She is a wise lady, who helped me tremendously.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 5:09 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

Ms. Ashamed,

You'll get through this. The key is to make your emotional well-being a priority, despite the external forces swirling around you. After all, you're the one who has to live with yourself--forever.

T/j

Ohforanewme,

I'm glad you're making strategic contributions to JFO. Ms. Anderson, as you can see, SI offers the best in

class--thinkers, tacticians and planners. Continue to post.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:50 PM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

Mrs. A,

Sometimes when we make a bad decision we know deep down that it is a bad decision, but we get trapped in it for one reason or another. But that leads to self-isolation because it is hard to hear others questioning you. It is in some ways easier to hunker down and suffer, justifying that the bad decision is nessary to protect others, or for some other reason.

Is that where you are right now? Are you hearing the encouragement and support offered here as brow-beating? I hope you can come back and engage with us. Only you can decide whether to R or D but it is clear from your own words that you are not in a state of mind to reconcile. So that is what most of us are focusing on: to support you in making a good decision for yourself, and to help you get to the point that you can.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:01 AM, May 4th (Friday)]

Hello Mrs. A,

I do hope you come back to talk. If you don't feel up to that yet, maybe just let us know you are still present on SI and reading. I don't mind checking up on you from time to time if that would be helpful.

Be true to yourself in all things, dear.

Odonna

Hi Mrs A

I have been thinking of you often through this week. Hoping that, by you just knowing that there are folk here who genuinely care and are interested, can help through some of the dark spots. We certainly understand about those.

I can also share that, no matter how deep and dark and alone that pit that we found ourselves in felt to us, there was always someone who had passed through there before us, and knew the way out.

I was given the most incredible help.

So please just know that you matter to us.

Thanks for the support. Ive been on the forum frequently reading, but just haven't posted lately. I feel better. Today was hard. 1st mothers day since DDay. Ohforanewme, I keep reading your response over and over because I do relate. Thank you so much for sharing. Odonna, I know deep inside I should not have promised to reconcile. I know it was a bad choice and I'm trying to figure my next move. Im working 3 jobs till he returns to work, so i pyrposely keep myself pretty busy. I don't want time to think about my situation. I still love him, but why?? I feel like I betray myself because i care for him. Why do i care for him??!! I was off yesterday. It was my 1st day off in weeks. I got dressed like I was going to work and drove to my apartment. I'm in tears now because I feel like it's wrong to hide there. I should tell him that I wasn't at work. But I needed that day alone. I spent it in bed with curtains drawn, lights out. I took sleep aid and slept 10 hours. I spent another 4 in bed. I didn't go home till my normal 16 hour day would have ended. He cooked for me today. We talked alot. I asked him if he noticed how different I am. He says he has. I told him that I'll never be the same with him. He says he knows that too. Then I asked why he wanted to reconcile knowing we have a broken marriage that may never be real again. He broke down..Says he loves me but he knows his actions didn't show that. He wants a chance to prove he really loves me.I'm still in tears because I have no clue what to think or believe. I don't want to hurt him. His doctor says that heart attack was stress induced. But I'm under just as much stress!! And I feel like I'm being dishonest by hiding at my apartment.

My heart bleeds for you MrsA. Is there any way that you can ease the stress of the work or your responsibilities - even short term? No way that you can take sick leave or have your parents help with the house, or kids or something? You sound at breaking point - something has to give or you will end up collapsing under the strain too. This is too much and you need help. I urge you to make a call for help from someone in real life before you go asunder. Start with your parents and your doctor - I'm worried about you. ((Hugs))

Hi Mrs A

Thanks for the update.

You are an incredible woman you know. Just read that update of yours again. You are the wounded. I have lived through some of the most brutal situations one can face in life. A brutal prison system and a war situation. None did the damage of XWW's A's. Please allow that to sink in. What you write here is not you being selfish.

I was off yesterday. It was my 1st day off in weeks. I got dressed like I was going to work and drove to my apartment. I'm in tears now because I feel like it's wrong to hide there. I should tell him that I wasn't at work. But I needed that day alone. I spent it in bed with curtains drawn, lights out. I took sleep aid and slept 10 hours. I spent another 4 in bed. I didn't go home till my normal 16 hour day would have ended.

It is you just allowing yourself some personal healing time. It is critical that you get healing time. It is truly something you should be doing far more often. If I may, please make a point of doing that more often. And then, each time you make it a little more positive. The first few times, just rest and recovery. Then two thirds that, with a little bit of self spoil, either a movie or a book, or just listening to your favourite music. Then maybe cook your favourite meal and let that grow to 50% of the time, then to most of it.

And yet as the wounded, this is you;

Im working 3 jobs till he returns to work

That is where you prove my point of you being an incredible woman.

Then, please don't beat yourself up about;

I still love him, but why?? I feel like I betray myself because i care for him. Why do i care for him??!!

To still love the image of the man you thought you married. That is quite understandable. After a torturous journey, the good folk of SI showed me that my XWW was as much the hyena to our marriage as what the POSOM was. I truly struggled with accepting that. At some point got upset with those who kept telling me that. But it was true.

I came to the realisation that I had loved thin facade, hiding a truly ugly reality, for almost 25 years. But it did not diminish the fact that I had loved deeply for nearly 25 years, even if it turned out that I has loved only a facade. Even after the realisation, I had to allow myself to grieve. Allow yourself that. It takes time.

Dear MrsA (A is for Awesome)

One of the things I learned is that you need to take time for yourself. That it is important for you to recharge and get some respite from your very hectic schedule.

I never did that - it was family and cooking and cleaning and jobs and charity and volunteering. And my H travelled every week for his job. All over the world.

You need to make yourself a priority. And not feel guilty about it.

If you have made a choice to R - and regret it - change it!!!!

You are not obligated to stay with him. And don’t let guilt back you into a corner either.

If you have given R your best effort and it does not work, then you have the right to change your decision. You can do that with kindness and respect to your H. You can have a conversation and explain you tried but you cannot stay married to him. And present your plan for ending the M. Tell him “I will be out by “x” date. We will go to mediation. We divide up $ and assets as such (fill in blank here)”.

This is the part the cheaters don’t take into account. The part where the BS does not want to R. We are not required to stay M to a cheater and liar. So many cheaters think that if they end the A then “the marriage can move on”. Except it doesn’t take into account the damage the A leaves behind.

My therapist gave me advice often that went like this: if you gave your M your best effort and it just doesn’t work, then you can leave without any guilt or remorse. Because you did your best. But it just cannot be repaired.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:16 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

I am glad you are still on SI and came back to let us know how you are doing.

I can tell that your mind and soul are both tortured right now. And with three jobs there is no time for the IC you so very much need - not because you need to be "fixed" in any way, but because you need a trained guide IRL to help you through this forest of emotions. I hope that when WH goes back to work that that will be your first priority.

I asked OhFor to come post here because I knew he could help you. I am glad you are re-reading his advice, because his experiences are close to yours.

One thing I want to add though: when one finally realizes that the beloved spouse is not who we thought - that he/she is a "façade" - there is a terrible resistance to that realization, because accepting it reflects so terribly on our own judgment and demeans the love we so deeply felt. A good therapist can help you with that, because despite all those feelings, it is actually good judgment to be able to commit to someone for a lifetime (even if they ultimately betray you), and the love you felt was indeed genuine and that ability to love is still an invaluable part of your core being.

But working through this takes time, and the confusion and hurt and denial that we all go through unfortunately makes it longer. Just do not judge yourself for that; you are doing an amazing job.

Odonna

Dear Ms. Awesome --

Just thinking about you this past week. I hope you are finding some more time for yourself and being true to who you are inside rather than everyone's expectations.

Best,

Odonna

Hi Mrs A

How are you.

I have had a hectic work and travel schedule, but through it all, I have thought of you, hoping that things have been going better for you.

Please just know that we really do care.

Hello Mrs.A. I hope things are getting better for you. Is WH ready to go back to work? Are you getting any time to take care of yourself (three jobs is so tough)? Have you disclosed your apartment and are you spending time there? Do you see a path forward that you can embrace rather than endure?

I do hope you come back to talk with us.

Odonna

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:46 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)]

This has been one horrible year for me. OW came to my job today. Mind you, we live about 2 hours away from her, but she showed up at my job. I pretended like I didn't know her. But when I saw the twins, I stared at them. I tried to look away, but I couldnt. I kept staring. (They dont look like my husband to me, but who knows?? I watch maury povich sometomes too)I paged security. She told me that I had ruined her life. She wants me to drop the lawsuit against her (I found enough receipts to sue her. I can't remember how he worded the papers, but I did pay to have them filed)She Told me that I was going to pay dearly for contacting her kids paternal grandparents (I wrote a letter to them explaining that she is alleging my husband is her twins biological fathere and they were outraged. I sent them copies of the receipts of money my husband paid to her) She basically told me that they aren't his, but that won't stop her from spreading the rumors that they are. And letting the world know that he dogged me by sleeping with her. She's promised me a long life of misery. I think I'll have that anyhow...oh, and I got fired from my job.. which I was going to quit in 2 weeks anyway.,I had my first alcoholic drink today. Something called petron I think...I had to have something to calm me down. Can't go home right now.probably hide at my apartment till my shift is supposed to be over..

Hi Mrs A,

What a day! Try to relax and be kind to yourself. Be careful of drinking especially when your not used to it - it can be a real depressive, and you've really had a tough day!

Life can be so unkind some days, but try to think positively - difficult sometimes.

Your other SI friends will be here to offer support and advice soon.

Stay strong,

Tiger lily

HI Mrs A

Thanks for trusting us enough to share this with us. I so often wish that we could just somehow get a prospective wayward to read in SI before they gleefully decide to have that first illicit liaison. At a particularly low point, early in my JFO journey, I posted in my thread that once I was emotionally strong enough, I was going to pose a question in General to all WSs, "how could it ever have seemed worth it?" I still haven't done it.

I so wish that we lived closer. I would love noting more than to sit you down, with a warm cup of tea, and just spend a moment in friendship with you.

I would let you vent, I would comfort where I could, although, I am a bit of a bumbling, awkward, typical man, but I would try my best. I would share my experience and hope that in it you could see somethings that might be of assistance.

I am so dying to give you advice, because you are in a particularly tough spot right now, and I have no good advice. From my experience on SI, there will be a wonderfully wise woman along soon, with precisely the advice you need right now. I just don't have that wisdom. So all I can do is try to be a friend.

What I can share from my personal experience is that it is clear that the OW is a bully. Someone particularly skilled at it. So far, it seems as if she has successfully bullied and intimidated into submission, everyone who has been unfortunate to have had her come into their lives.

You must be throwing her completely. A seeming timid, woman, used to the safe suburban life. From her actions of caring even for her WH, a soft soul. But you are not allowing her to bully you. She is so thrown, that she is resorting to rather desperate methods. Driving over 2 hours, coming into your place of work.

You do realise that the only thing that has given her any power is secrecy. Each time you have allowed some light to shine on an aspect of her evil little game, informing the paternal grand parents of her kids, speaking to her other victims, you have threatened and weakened her.

I am sure that you also know that the only way to permanently deal with the bully is to face them down. After all, they are cowards deep down. I have faced some serious bullies in my time. As a lone 17 year old youth, in front of decorated, gleaming shouldered military officers, the might of the Apartheid regime, I stood my ground. Yes, they always have some things that they can hurt us with, otherwise they would have no power over us, but the hurt that they can inflict will do so much less damage, than being their prisoners for life will do.

It has been my experience that truth and light and right, always prevail. Rob her of her power Mrs A. You have already proven that you are an incredibly strong woman. Shine the light of truth on every little corner of her filthy little world and rid yourself of her for good.

Whatever you do, please dont withdraw the case against her. You do realise that her threat to spread the rumour that the kids are his is only a threat as long as there are still dark corners where secrets hide. If you get all the truth out, such threats loose all their power.

I will hang around Mrs A, if you want to chat some more.

((((MrsA))))

ohforanewme, awesome post and wonderful guidance and advice!

You ruined HER life? Good gravy.

I'm sorry you were fired. Was it because she made a scene at your place of employment? Did security escort her ass out? If they fired you because of her scene, tell your attorney!