SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ohforanewme-Thanks!! I made a decision to stop hiding and be truthful first and foremost to myself. I filed the lawsuit against OW, I contacted several of the twins paternal family, and I also contacted DHS (she receives child support and other assist with the other guy named as the father). I want her to unDer stand that she can't have it both ways. If she wants people to believe my husband is their dad, then EVERYONE must know. Not just a select group (which consists mostly of me l, my fakily and friends). I was so ashamed of the affair that I wanted to hide as much about it as I could. Well, the jury is out on that. I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS ANYMORE. Icame clean about the apartment. It hurt my WH and though I don't want to cause him pain, I do not care that he doesn't like it. I've been in agony nearly a year. There's no a day that goes by that I don't think about his infidelity. I know I can't get back to the person I was, but I cant stay here in the state that I am right now. I have to work towards healing and peace for myself.this is what I am committed to now.

Alright, I'm a lawyer although I don't practice family law. If the boyfriend signed the birth certificate and has been acting as the father for 10 years there will be a presumption that he is the real father. The court's only care about what is in the best interest of the child. She would need to file a paternity action to prove that your husband is the actual father and have to get over some burden of proof hurdles in order to establish paternity.

Mrs A

What a great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to cut and refer to parts of it here to emphasise how great they are but I found that I would simply be re-posting the WHOLE thing.

I love it all.

Man, now we really need to get that screen name changed to Mrs Awesome.

Alright, I'm a lawyer although I don't practice family law. If the boyfriend signed the birth certificate and has been acting as the father for 10 years there will be a presumption that he is the real father. The court's only care about what is in the best interest of the child. She would need to file a paternity action to prove that your husband is the actual father and have to get over some burden of proof hurdles in order to establish paternity.

Her WH is not the father of the twins...paternity has already been established and it's not him. OW is an extortionist who was/is getting money from several men who she claims are the fathers of her children.

MrsA is getting her power back and is no longer accepting the OW's bullying. She rocks!

Mrs. A:

I am SO glad to see you posting here again and reclaiming your life!

To protect yourself legally please document all that you can about the OW's visit to your workplace: who witnessed it? was there a security report following your request that they come? Did management fire you on account of this? Did anyone have the thought to video-tape her verbal rampage? Your lawyer can help you both to generate a list of documents you will want to collect and to make those requests. In particular, any witness to OW's confrontation who is willing to fill out an affidavit will be especially valuable.

And to protect yourself emotionally please rely on those who love you IRL; lean on them. And find a good therapist to help you wrestle with everything and find your true course. And of course, let us help you here. I will keep checking on you!

Odonna

I think you're doing the right thing ashamed. Putting yourself first in a case like this is always the best choice. Once you get to a place where your feeling better about you, then you can decide whether you want to spend any time with your husband or just move on.

Yes!!!!

Hi Mrs A

No words if wisdom or advice from me today. Just a friend stopping in to say hello, and hope that things are well with you.

Always here for a chat, if you ever feel like having one.

Hello from me again, also! Please come talk to us!

Odonna

Are you still here Mrs. A?

Mrs. A,

Your 6/5 post was so encouraging but now you have disappeared again. How are you doing? Are you moving forward to assert yourself and re-claim your life? I think about you often!

Best,

Odonna

I hope she’s has stopped feeling shame, guilt, responsibility towards WH, and that she’s explained the situation to her kids WITHOUT trying to diminish the part WH played in the destruction of the marriage. Too often BS attempt to sugar coat the truth for kids old enough to understand the situation. (Nothing graphic or rude, but BS shouldn’t shoulder blame to protect WS from kids’ responses either). JMO

**Always Remember - Some people can stay in our hearts but not in our lives. Just because you still love for WS does not mean the relationship is not hurting you.

And - Again just my opinion but curious how others feel-

If a WS has a ONS, or something during a single short business trip and immediately confesses as soon as they walk in the door / get home, would this make things ??? ( not sure of the right word - less painful, less trust destroying, any less devastating)?

I know all cheating is soul destroying, but it feels to me that if they feel so much guilt, shame, regret - and remorse that their actions are eating at them that much, they must have a conscience and feel some empathy. This assumes their actions going forward continue to be those of a remorseful and contrite spouse. (Buying jewelry does not count)

I am amazed that MrsA’s WH could live with his secret for 11 years, being reminded of it every month with payments, WHILE STILL SPEAKING WITH THE OW. You would think that at some point during those years guilt, shame, maybe a little self-disgust should have started eating away at him.

Then again, the WH knew of at least 3 other men having affairs with this woman besides her BF. So forget sloppy seconds with the slut. She got as much usage as a hooker on a slow night and cost him a helluva lot more.

$33,000 would sure help when his kids are ready to go to college.

Am I just too suspicious now? Why do I keep thinking there’s got to be a better reason this guy paid this OW/whore for $11,000 than just fear of his wife finding out.

Or is he really that clueless?

GDG

And - Again just my opinion but curious how others feel-

If a WS has a ONS, or something during a single short business trip and immediately confesses as soon as they walk in the door / get home, would this make things ??? ( not sure of the right word - less painful, less trust destroying, any less devastating)?

Just to answer this my H came home one night and admitted he kissed the OW. He felt guilty. Said it was nothing. It was a mistake.

I was upset but was happy he told me the truth.

It turned out to be more than “nothing” b/c 10 days later he admitted he loved her and wanted a D.

Lesson learned - cheaters lie. About everything!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:22 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]

Mrs. A, I hope you are okay. You are dealing with a true Sociopath with this OW. I know that's not comforting to know but it's true. Is there ANY chance you and your H, if you choose to stay with him, could relocate? People like her are just filled with hate and she doesn't want anyone else to be happy. I am so glad to see you are taking your power back. Please don't stop. Hang in there! And above all, take care of yourself first.

@The1stWife You’re right. Cheaters lie and it doesn’t seem to bother them. I guess I’m having a hard time believing the WH could carrying on his life for 11 yrs - not just hiding an affair and continued contact with OW - but living with the knowledge that he could possibly have fathered twins.

It would eat me alive.

When I was 5 I stole 3 pieces of butterscotch penny candy. The guilt was so overwhelming I woke my father in the middle of the night, tearfully confessed, and the next day apologized to the store manager and paid the 3 cents.

I got a speeding ticket from a bicycle cop because I saw him pointing at me as I went by, actually did a u-turn and went back.

I admit I may be ‘stupidly’ honest, but I find it impossible to believe that living such a massive lie, keeping all the lies straight, acting out a charade when with spouse and kids - doesn’t eat at their conscience and fill their nightmares.

Something is deeply missing within them.

Hello everyone..Im still here.Ive been so busy that i have no clue how to update. Im going to start with the positives. So first positive, My husband is back at work, so I'm not the bread winner anymore. This alone alleviates so much stress. I'm back in therapy and it's really helped alot. My husband is in therapy, and his therapist has helped him realize

that his heart attack caused me to agree to reconciliation when I should not have.. I still have my apartment and I take a lot more time for myself.. I smile more. I'm not healed (I still think about the affair alot) but I'm not hiding from the world in my apartment...Im different. I don't enjoy the same things anymore..certain restaurants, movies, malls all remind me of what I've termed my fake life-all the time I was head over heels in love and happy someone who was two timing me..But I've been finding new joy..trying other things..hanging out more with my girlfriends (which I used to rarely do)..ive even started a garden!! I can't really explain my relationship with my husband..we see each other daily..somedays I stay at our house

..most days I'm at my apartment. He visits me often there. We've been on dinner dates and hang out quite a bit..since he started therapy, we really talk.. but I'm not convinced I should stay married..Jury is still out on that..my only focus right now is me. I've cared mentally, physically, and emotionally for my husband and kids before myself far too long..My friends think I should have come to a decision by now since its been over a year..i always reply with my therapist words that only I will know when I'm ready and I can take 20 years if I want. If he can't wait, then he's clearly not worth reconciling with.. Now the negatives..No matter what I do, this girl haunts me..Shes angry that I've informed everybody in our hometown about the affair and the kids.its caused her to be cut off from her kids dad's family (the guy wh signed the birth certificate) and some of the family are refusing to have anything to do with the kids (which I'm truly sorry about). She sends me private messages from different fake Facebook pages that are ugly and mean..i often find myself looking at her Instagram pictures and wondering how in the world did he choose her..this girl is so opposite of his type..and if it was purely sex, why??we always had a healthy sex life, or so my happy go lucky self thought..well be in court soon and she has promised to kick my azz all over the court room..oh, I forgot to mention the cease communication letter she sent to me from a fake lawyers office. In the letter, I am to stop slandering her name and character..Really OW?? I know she'll never pay a dime of the lawsuit, but it feels good to sue her.. for the most part, I'm doing ok. I'm really proud of my progress even though to some, it's too slow.. But, I really wanna ask you guys if there will come a day when I don't think of this?? Lately, I think of her. Not the mean stuff she does to me, but the woman who was in bed with my husband..i try to imagine them, but I can't..but I know it happened..are these weird thoughts to be having at this phase??

Hi Mrs Ashamed, I read your entire thread in one sitting, I'm glad you're doing better, hopefully you will get this sick OW out of your life soon, if not just ignore her, don't look at her Instagram or any social media, as soon as you get any message from her don't even finish reading them, she wants to feel the satisfaction that you will end up divorcing because of her (I know it's not the case but she feels that way) so this is another benefit of a succesful R if possible.

It takes approximately 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, looks like you and your husband are spending a lot of time together and that's good if R is to stand a chance, also good for the kids to see their parents together, you say you still love your WH, he seems remorseful and seems to want to endure the long process of R and to help you heal, he's owned the A from the beginning and not blamed you for it even when he was at the hospital he never said you caused his heart attack, maybe called you before 911 because he felt he was dying and wanted to hear your voice, so I think he sounds sincere when he says he loves you, therefore I think R is worth pursuing, take your time to heal, don't let anyone rush you but I know one way or the other things will get much better with time, I'm glad he's back to work so that alleviates some of the stress.

Give yourself plenty of time, I believe in 2nd chances in cases of true remorse, children are involved, love is still present in the M and WS is doing the work (your case meets all 4), of course infidelity is a deal breaker to some people and that's OK too, time will tell whether you stay or leave, if you love him, continue MC and give R your best shot, R is possible after an A, some even claim their relationship got even stronger. Good luck and thanks for the update.

Mrs. A you will have those thoughts for a long time and it's normal.

Eventually you will only have them in passing and at weird moments.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with a caricature of a gold digging trailer trash. Her "threats" are just hot, empty air spewed from a bitch-bully. And when a bully is confronted they back down.

{{{hugs}}}, thanks for the update, and good luck.

k9

Just checking in on you again. I hope your progress is continuing and that your life feels more stable.

Please give us an update when you can!

Bump for MrsAshamed