SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again, all.

Nothing really significant to share. Just that I'm back here. I posted here a couple months ago when I was sure that D was the right choice. I've waffled quite a bit since then, obviously agonizing whether or not it was right, and waiting to see if WW's recent behavior was sincere or not. I still can't tell. But I've also realized that I've been too focused on her behavior that it has taken away from my progress towards healing.

We've decided to separate for a few weeks. My IC knew a couple that was offering an apartment to anyone that needed a temporary place to stay. They offered it as a sort of safe place for a "wife in despair". It's fully furnished and whomever used it could pay whatever they could afford. The only stipulation is there are to be no visitors or overnight guests and that they would check in from time to time to make sure that was being upheld.

WW moved her stuff in this week and she's planning to begin sleeping there this weekend. She told the kids about it without me. She explained that mommy and daddy haven't been getting along and that we needed some time apart. Of course she would explain it that way. That same evening, I offered my own explanation. And my DD18 knew exactly what was happening between us. I posted what I said in another thread recently. It was very age appropriate for my DS12 and he nodded in agreement that maybe time apart is good when emotions are running high.

WW took the kids to see her place yesterday. DS12 said it was boring. No wifi, just a tv and dvd player. They brought their gaming console over so that they would have something to do while they visited. I asked him if he was nervous about mommy moving out. He said he didn't want mom to move out. I felt awful. I texted WW about it and that she should address it with him. I don't know if she did.

She's still minimizing and trying to normalize everything. On Tuesday she took the kids to visit her old high school friend and family that were on vacation near us. She didn't tell the kids where they were going and ended up hanging out with them for a few hours.

I got a text from DS12 when I got home from work.

"Help", he texted.

I replied, "???"

He texted back, "Mom took us to {city} against our will".

I told him he'd be fine.

A few weeks before WW wanted us all to go but at that time I was not comfortable acting like everything was all hunky-dory. Clearly, she's just fine with acting like everything is normal. The kids were very unhappy about being dragged along by their mom to meet her friends. I have no problem with her friends, btw. They're great people and have always been generous and hospitable to us when we visited them. Later that evening WW had a long talk with me about how negative the kids, especially DD18, have been with her lately. I told her they're going through a lot right now. She didn't seem to understand why.

When the lease on her apartment is up, she's expecting to move back into the house and occupy DD18's room. I haven't told her yet that once she moves out, she doesn't get to move back in unless she's an honest, committed wife. Otherwise, the D process will be expedited as soon as she leaves this weekend. I'm going to allow her to visit with the kids for a couple of weeks to help smooth out the transition, but that I don't want to see her at all for a few weeks. Hell, maybe a few months.

There's a lot going on. DD18 is going off to school in just a few weeks and the DS's also start school soon. I'm also in a master's program so I at least have something else to focus on besides the crisis happening in our family.

Sorry this post went on for so long.

Also, this past Monday was our 18th anniversary. Happy returns.

[This message edited by squid at 2:01 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

This shit is tough, Squid. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll get where you're going. You may not know where you're going right now, but one day you'll look up and find yourself there.

It may not seem like it right now, but you are doing well.

Don't bother coaching your WW on how to manage her relationship with the kids - that's her issue. You seem to be doing just fine managing your relationship with them.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 11:37 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Don't bother coaching your WW on how to manage her relationship with the kids - that's her issue. You seem to be doing just fine managing your relationship with them.

Apparently, I'm parenting a parent on how to parent.

All this up and down has got to be tearing you apart! I say that from a place of compassion, and I am sorry you are in that position. However, a few things to point out.

He said he didn't want mom to move out. I felt awful. I texted WW about it and that she should address it with him. I don't know if she did.

Your DS is experiencing the same rollercoaster of emotions, and of course you feel awful that your child is hurting. Just BE there for him in a supportive way as you have been, but DON'T try to smooth things over between him and your WW. You must step aside on this one. Their relationship is just that, theirs. It is not your job to "fix" it. That falls 100% in your WW's lap. Leave it where it belongs, as painful as it is to watch. Whether she steps up or not is not your problem. If their relationship tanks it is, again, not your problem. I know that sounds really harsh, but you truly must let them navigate their own relationship. If DS talks to you about his feelings, just be supportive and listen. Let him know you are always there for him. Don't act as go-between. He will figure his feelings out in his own time.

Later that evening WW had a long talk with me about how negative the kids, especially DD18, have been with her lately. I told her they're going through a lot right now. She didn't seem to understand why.

Your DD is within her right to be negative right now, if she chooses. She is a young adult. She knows EXACTLY what has gone down between the two of you. She may be extremely pissed off at her mother right now, and she has every right to feel that way. These are called consequences for your WW. Step away and just be there for DD, too.

It is very possible your DD may never forgive her mother, or "get over it." My kids want nothing to do with their father. It is sad, but there is nothing we, as parents, can do about it. These are the consequences WSs simply don't think about, and then they are all shocked and surprised their own children are unhappy with them because "the infidelity had nothing to do with the kids." Go figure...

I'm going to allow her to visit with the kids for a couple of weeks to help smooth out the transition

I would REALLY caution against this. You are trying to play peacekeeper again. Just STOP. Your kids are not littles. They can visit your WW just about any time they want at HER apartment. If she wants things to go smoothly in the transition, your WW is the one that needs to step up and manage that. You are keeping yourself mired in the "fix it" role, and it is not healthy for any of you.

I know you want what is best for your kids, but stepping aside and letting your WW manage both the transition and their relationship IS the best thing for your kids. Just be there if they need to talk, or get them IC if necessary, but that is it. Kids need just one stable parent to thrive. Be that stable parent and let your WW fend for herself. This will also help you to emotionally detach, which you desperately need.

Hang in there, squid.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:09 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

It's like trying to manage the falling of a deck of cards.

I know I need to stop being the caretaker. But I feel like my WW is so broken. How can she make good judgement parenting our kids if she can't make good judgement for herself?

I'm trying to protects our babies' hearts as best I can. I know it shouldn't just be my job.

I appreciate your kind words, Phoenix

But I feel like my WW is so broken.

She is, and you can't fix it. She must fix herself. Don't enable her brokenness by always coming to the rescue.

How can she make good judgement parenting our kids if she can't make good judgement for herself?

She can't and won't, at least right now. You have to accept that and sit on the sidelines and let it play out. Unless your kids are in some kind of physical danger, the best thing you can do is just let the train wreck happen. Maybe that is what it will take for your WW to pull her head out of her ass. If you keep trying to prevent the train from going off the tracks, she will never experience the devastation of the wreck and really see what she has done not just to you, but to her own children. She NEEDS to experience gut-wrenching consequences or she will continue to minimize what she has done. Even then there is no guarantee, unfortunately.

I'm trying to protects our babies' hearts as best I can. I know it shouldn't just be my job.

The problem is; if you get involved in managing that relationship, YOU go down with the ship when it fails. Not if, mind you, WHEN. Your kids will blame you too if you become involved in managing their relationship with their mother.

Just be their dad, and try to make sure YOU never let them down.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 2:26 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Currently WW is ignoring the elephant in the room.

I had a talk with DD18 last night and she mentioned her friends' parents that are divorced. And she brought up which ones happened due to infidelity. So her group of friends is at least familiar with it. She's different because it was her mom that was unfaithful, not like the dads of her friends.

Apparently, I'm parenting a parent on how to parent.

That is the funniest and saddest sentence I have seen here to date.

However I have to agree that you need to stop coming to her rescue with your kids...they know about her infidelity, if nothing more than it happened, so they will understand when she acts like the inept parent that she is.

You need to let her fall on her face completely, as long as

The kids are not in any danger, let her do what she does.

Who knows, she may then figure out that she needs to get her act together, then maybe even become a safe partner again some day.

That is the funniest and saddest sentence I have seen here to date.

Thank you. I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

We talked this evening. She thinks I'm blaming the demise of our M entirely on her and her A.

Sounds like remorse to me.

Squid, quit with the *games*.

Your kids are in the middle of this.

"Help", he texted.

I replied, "???"

He texted back, "Mom took us to {city} against our will".

I told him he'd be fine.

Why?

It's all ridiculous, I know. WW got into a discussion again tonight. Going back and forth about problems in the M and the effect the A had.

In the end, WW said that I was putting all of the blame of the demise of the M on her because of her A. I kept saying, No, the problems of the M are 50/50 on each partner. She kept saying I was 70% to blame for that. She simply cannot accept the damage that her A has caused.

I told her flatly, "it really is you. Not me. I've done everything I could to try and save our M. You looked elsewhere. Your fear is what inhibits you from moving forward." She left the argument and went to bed.

I don't see a way back at this point.

5454,

I know. She is using the kids as a way to somehow show that she's not a bad person after all because, hey, her kids love her and all.

It's a dangerous place for them. And I think they know exactly what games are being played.

She simply cannot accept the damage that her A has caused.

Exactly...my wife completely accepts her responsibility for her A, and treats everyday I'm still married to her as a gift because as she says, I don't have any reason to stay with her.

A WS that owns their shit and is truly remorseful can often enable the BS to overcome the hurt and facilitate real R.

Her continued blameshifting will never allow for R, only rugsweeping...if you stay with her.

OrdinaryDude,

A WS that owns their shit and is truly remorseful can often enable the BS to overcome the hurt and facilitate real R.

Her continued blameshifting will never allow for R, only rugsweeping...if you stay with her.

I'm not imagining this, right? She is still blameshifting. Her words were, "I feel like you're putting all of the failure of the marriage on me"

No doubt, our marriage was barely sputtering along pre-A. But the A simply nuked it. And we didn't have the tools to survive. She kept saying that she did all the work but it wasn't helping so she quit. Is that commitment? It's such an especially damaging pain that gets inflicted when she says, "I can't help you heal. Only you can do that." And then washes her hands of it and walks away.

These talks she keeps engaging me in aren't even helpful. I don't know what her intent is other than to try and maintain an air of civility for us. But I also feel like she's trying to maintain her own image of a not-so-terrible person.

She keeps saying, "I am not my mistake". Does that sound like owning your shit?

I need a new set of eyes because I know I'm not seeing as clearly as I could be...

We talked this evening. She thinks I'm blaming the demise of our M entirely on her and her A.

Dude, stop having these conversations with her. You can never make her see.. not even if you have one of these:

Next time you feel like talking to her about taking responsibility for her A and the demise of your marriage, go outside, get a rock, and talk until you're blue in the face.

She has to see it for herself. File for D... it has a way of opening eyes.

Next time you feel like talking to her about taking responsibility for her A and the demise of your marriage, go outside, get a rock, and talk until you're blue in the face.

I think even a rock would get it.

Squid I guess I just don't understand you. I have somewhat busted your chops in other threads. I certainly don't mean this to be harsh but...

I have not only followed you on this board but on another forum as well. For well over 4 years your wife has blamed you for everything. She's treated you like pond scum. In my mind, she should have been gone from your life a long time ago.

I understand that you are focused on the affair with the "down by the river boy" but to me the affair was just the rotten cherry she put on top of the giant shit sundae she's served up over the years.

So she is going to separate until mid September... This is the best present you've ever been given. Go NC with her. Kids and essential business info are the only contact you should make. And I can say with 99.99% certainty that she will not return as a committed spouse at the end of the separation.

Get your house in order, get your financials done and get with the lawyer and put this divorce on the fast track. Find the old Squid that is buried down there. Dig him up. Be a great Dad to your kids and get this walking dead person out of your life.

Please Squid. You're too good of a guy to put up with this crap.

Absurdist,

Good to see you here (I think farsidejunky is from the same forum).

Yes, the last 3 years have been a slow, pathetic descent for me. But this year has been pure hell.

So she is going to separate until mid September... This is the best present you've ever been given. Go NC with her. Kids and essential business info are the only contact you should make. And I can say with 99.99% certainty that she will not return as a committed spouse at the end of the separation.

Get your house in order, get your financials done and get with the lawyer and put this divorce on the fast track. Find the old Squid that is buried down there. Dig him up. Be a great Dad to your kids and get this walking dead person out of your life.

That is precisely my plan, to a T. The waffling and agonizing up to this point are purely last-minute, 11th hour, grasping at straws of hope that I now realize are not there. I know well what I have to do.

As to your busting my chops on that other site, I should have listened. I was too weak and scared to heed the tough love. I now give out the same tough love here to those that need to hear it.

[This message edited by squid at 11:42 AM, July 28th, 2017 (Friday)]

These talks she keeps engaging me in aren't even helpful. I don't know what her intent is other than to try and maintain an air of civility for us. But I also feel like she's trying to maintain her own image of a not-so-terrible person.

For the love of Pete! STOP talking to her!! Her intent is to break you down to get you to acknowledge that YOU are responsible for the breakdown of the M! That way she can walk away with a clear conscience because it was all YOUR fault, nothing she ever did. Stop the insanity and stop engaging! Implement the 180 and STICK TO IT.

Yes, the last 3 years have been a slow, pathetic descent for me. But this year has been pure hell.

YOU have the power to change this, if you really want to. Nothing changes unless it changes. Stop living in hell and get yourself out. Your kids need a dad who is whole and healthy, and this is not it.

I was too weak and scared to heed the tough love. I now give out the same tough love here to those that need to hear it.

Yet you are still doing the same things that are keeping you stuck. Isn't that basically fulfilling the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Don't just dish out tough love to others. Walk the path yourself and get yourself out of this living nightmare. Time to wake up, squid!