SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a Canuck I have to correct you oh4 - it's "KIDS in the hall" lol...

Ah sassylee

So several things now begin to make sense.

You are one of those most northern of folk that seem to have this vendetta against me?

I just knew that I should check and make 100% certain that I had it correct but was lazy.

Suppose if I go and edit it now everyone will still know that I made the mistake.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:20 AM, November 27th (Monday)]

I suppose you know the work of Trevor Noah, and what do you think of what he has done with the Daily Show?

Oooh, a tangent!!

I like Trevor Noah. Every time I see him in an interview I always come away with a favorable impression, and I also read his book / listened to his audio book... which I found funny, moving, and powerful.

When it comes to hosting the Daily Show, though...? I've gotta say I miss Jon Stewart. Trevor just doesn't seem to have that real, potent outrage in him that I so appreciated from Jon. When pointing out hypocrisy (which is the Daily Show's main racket), Trevor rarely shows emotion beyond a laugh and bemused smile. Maybe that attitude comes from growing up in apartheid?

I Agree LJ, if Trevor was given another show I think it would have been better. His show is different from the Daily Show. Filling Jon Stewart's seat is a tough one.

Now back to the thread...

Jon Stewart was emotionally invested in basic justice, which undergirded his humor and infused the show with a sense of immediacy.

I have been following from the get go and i'm giving advice.....

Buy star wars tickets now so you don't have to stand in line. And take up fly fishing....(trust me it rocks)

BTW, thanks for the updates.

[This message edited by mizunomead at 5:55 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

LJ-

I have a few questions for you, please do consider responding:

1> How healthy are you, physically and emotionally? Do you eat healthy and exercise enough? Do you have mood swings or are your moods stable?

2> How's your individual financial/job situation? is your WW the primary breadwinner? Are you on her insurance plan? Or the other way around?

3> Ignoring your WW's affair for a moment, how's your life otherwise? Are you happy with your profession and where you are? Do you have a close set of friends you can confide in? Do you consider yourself successful in life? (Note: successful as in a fulfilled life, not necessarily a large bank balance)

4> How healthy has been your self-esteem in the past (before your WW's affair)?

5> Do you consider your wife a "catch"? E.g. Do you feel you will never meet anyone as pretty/smart/sexy/kind/friendly/freaky/whatever as your wife, and that you're "lucky" to have her?

6> If you imagine yourself divorcing, what emotions do you feel? Are you confident you will bounce back after a brief period of grieving? Or you think you will go through a prolonged period of sadness?

7> Do you feel guilty for somehow being responsible for your WW's affair?

8> Do you feel that there's no guarantee that you'll meet a woman who won't cheat on you, or you feel that any person can cheat, so you're better off sticking to one who has cheated.

9> Is infidelity truly a deal-breaker for you?

I promise not to give any advice, so please indulge me if you can.

Thanks!

Hey LJ

redbaron's questions are most probably of greater importance than this and I would be happy for you to just ignore what I say here and mull over his stuff but I am hoping that you will be willing to let me root for my boy just a little.

He cut his teeth in little spots that were my hang out and all his "home coming" shows are at a venue just down the road from home. Everyone a sell-out, and that was the case well before he got any recognition over your way.

I am a bit of a kindred spirit of his. His mom was jailed for breaking the Apartheid laws just a little while before I was jailed for refusing to enforce them (no, don't bother asking. Not a story I am going to tell. One of those life experiences buried nuclear silo deep).

I thought that is would be sort of asking the "question, so who was the best Bond?" But that is what makes me all the more proud of him. I know that most cable operations are battling with falling numbers to YouTube and the like but he has done stuff for his station that none of his competitors have managed to pull off. So a bit of a puffed out chest here.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 10:46 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Ooh boy, who doesn't love a good survey?

1> How healthy are you, physically and emotionally? Do you eat healthy and exercise enough? Do you have mood swings or are your moods stable?

I'm reasonably healthy, mostly due to my (relative) youth. I work from home and don't get out much, so very little exercise happens. But I'm about 5'10 and 165 lbs, so most people would consider me to be of healthy build/weight. My mood has been stable of late. No swings.

2> How's your individual financial/job situation? is your WW the primary breadwinner? Are you on her insurance plan? Or the other way around?

WW had been the main breadwinner cash-wise, though my career in TV has been driving both of our lives, if that makes sense. This year thanks to a big job on a new show, I eclipsed her in terms of earnings and have taken in a good bit more than she has. However, my industry is very unstable (get a short-term big job, followed by small freelance gigs, bouts of unemployment, etc) and hers has always been stable, so she's got that. I expect she'll probably earn more than me next year.

And I'm on her health insurance, yes.

3> Ignoring your WW's affair for a moment, how's your life otherwise? Are you happy with your profession and where you are? Do you have a close set of friends you can confide in? Do you consider yourself successful in life? (Note: successful as in a fulfilled life, not necessarily a large bank balance)

I'm very happy with the progression of my career. It's quite difficult to make it in the industry in which I work, and I have indisputably "made it." I came to this town ten years ago with no plan but a dream, and I am now living that dream. That's success to me.

Also, I do have a small circle of friends in whom I am comfortable confiding, though mostly I keep my problems to myself.

4> How healthy has been your self-esteem in the past (before your WW's affair)?

Never had a problem with self esteem until this episode. Were it not for my career successes and frequent recognition I've been receiving for work-related stuff, I might have fallen into a real funk. Thankfully, though, only my personal life is a disaster.

5> Do you consider your wife a "catch"? E.g. Do you feel you will never meet anyone as pretty/smart/sexy/kind/friendly/freaky/whatever as your wife, and that you're "lucky" to have her?

I did. And other people would often remind me of that, too. I remember during a recent business trip to New York, a friend I met for dinner told me that I had "won the lottery" and "[WW] has aged like a fine wine." Of course, little did they or I know that, while I was out of town, WW was hooking up with the OM during that same trip. Oof.

6> If you imagine yourself divorcing, what emotions do you feel? Are you confident you will bounce back after a brief period of grieving? Or you think you will go through a prolonged period of sadness?

I think I see Divorced LuxuryJello as a person who is reasonably social and does his work. I can be happy as that guy. I've never asked a woman out in my life, though, and I doubt I'd be much of a pursuer. I've decided that single/divorced me would just not want or expect a relationship maybe ever. That's the best way to avoid disappointment, right?

7> Do you feel guilty for somehow being responsible for your WW's affair?

No.

8> Do you feel that there's no guarantee that you'll meet a woman who won't cheat on you, or you feel that any person can cheat, so you're better off sticking to one who has cheated.

Interesting question. I think there are plenty of honest women out there. I'm not such a cynic that I think only cheaters exist. The irony, though, is that with how WW has been going through self-reflection of late, I doubt she'll ever cheat again, either. In fact, she'll likely become a wonderful partner, which is oddly frustrating to me, if you can believe it.

9> Is infidelity truly a deal-breaker for you?

I think so, yeah.

Tragic but true: She's likely to become an apostle of fidelity, never, EVER, to cheat again.

That's life.

Sorry to be back on the t/j but interestingly enough Trevor Noah interviewed Infidelity Expert Esther Perel last night.

You can probably see it online.

LJ

Just want to say it’s been nice to “Meet” you, albeit under awful circumstances.

You’re a strong and thoughtful guy.

Take care.

I have a couple of questions to add to those submitted by redbaron007. These questions have to be answered without regard to infidelity, hurt, heart ache, or other troubles.

(1) Do you still have love for your wife? Does she still have a place in your heart that you will never get rid of?

(2) Looking ahead to the future, do you think you will be happier with or without her?

I think I read that you said you would lose self respect if you R with your wife. Take some advice from an old man who has never had a problem with self respect. Self respect is lost when you beg a wayward spouse to stay, or make promises to do anything to keep them, or allow them to use you as a doormat. You have done none of this. So if you were to decide to R or D, take this as a unchanging law. ANY DECISION MADE FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH DOES NOT DIMINISH SELF RESPECT. IT ADDS TO IT. You have a long life ahead of you. Think hard and long on what you really want to do. You do not want to wake up one morning when you are 50 or 60 years old and wonder to yourself,

........what if I had..... I do wish you well.

These questions have to be answered without regard to infidelity, hurt, heart ache, or other troubles.

Why answer a question through an impertinent lens?

He doesn't get to live his life "without regard to infidelity, hurt, heartache, or other troubles" so why create a scenario that he does?

Let me see if I can answer the question RubixCibe ask about an impertinent lens. During my military career I had to make decisions that got good men hurt or even worse. If I look at the pain that my decisions caused my men, whom I wished no harm too, then the right or wrong of a decision is clouded and would cause me to question that decision. But if I look at the decision without regard to the pain it caused but instead look at the results of that decision, I can determine if it was a good or bad decision. If my decision caused me to lose 5 men then I could convince myself the decision was wrong. But if I don't think of the hurt my decision caused and focus on the result of that decision which saved the lives of 20 other men, then I know my decision was right. If LJ says that he no longer loves her and life would be better without her then D. But if he says I love her and want her in my life then he attempts R. You look for a better result than of what caused the hurt. This does not meant you are ever going to forget the hurt and pain anymore that I would forget the 5 men I lost. It means I made the right decision for me and without regard to the hurt.I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 1:06 PM, November 29th (Wednesday)]

Slow clap to the wisdom of anoldlion!

Forgetting those five men and moving forward is fine as long as one realizes that by forgetting about them also compromises the other 25 men that you are now leading.

I strongly disagree that forgetting about the past made you a great leader. I would, respectfully, suggest that it made you a poor one. A great leader doesn't *dwell* on previous mishaps, but they instead learn from them and analyze their impact, holistically, on future engagements. Furthermore, those five deaths aren't in an isolation bubble, their impact (carrying out the corpses let's say) would also need to factor into logistics.

This does not meant you are ever going to forget the hurt and pain anymore that I would forget the 5 men I lost. It means I made the right decision for me and without regard to the hurt.I do wish you well.

I don’t think Arnold lion is saying that he forgot about the five people he lost. Just saying! It’s kind of right there, in what he wrote.

Anoldlion is pointing out that after infidelity, the betrayed needs to be selfish, but that selfishness may lead to reconciliation. It’s all about you from now on, Jello, whether single or coupled.