SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LJ. You have been getting great advice here. I feel for you I wanted in the worst way to R. Hell I thought I was in in for 5 years. Until the inevitable feelings that you expressed caught up with me. My wife would also have done anything. Sex was anything I wanted. Vacations were wherever I wanted to go. All good except for her banging someone else in my bed.

Normally I would really encourage R in a case like yours. Most guys here didn’t seem to get as stuck as I was about the cheating so you might have hope. The caveat is kids. If you plan to be kid free you might think harder about staying. But if you want kids I would hate to see you like me 5 years down the road, but with an innocent 3 year old whose family is about to be broken up. Right now things are simple. Kids, even older ones like mine complicate things.

Right now you have options, later not so much

I don't see how I could ever live forever with and take a real shot at reconciliation with a woman who betrayed me so completely. I just don't. It feels ludicrous to even think about.

Dude

Your getting advise from two kind of people

1) Who D

2) Who R

I am 1

So only advise i can give you about divorce

Because there are no kids

I have the chance have a family with a faithful woman.

Living with a woman who

Did this to me.

The thought of it gave me goosebumps

I know you loved this woman

I did loved my ex ww too.

But we can live without them

After going through hell

I think love is a choice than a mere feeling.

There is one thing i really really hate about remorseful WWs.

The thing is they were unfaithful to us.but now they are working on their issues and becoming a safer partner. And we have to leave them.now they will be a faithful partner for someone else.

My ex is doing the same.(i will never take her back but i just hate why she did not do this before cheating on me)

One more thing is they leave us into a situatin where we have to choose.

I completeltey hated to chose.

but we can do nothing about it.

Only NC is good.

Your wife had full blown affair.its just hard to digest(for me impossible)

Remember one thing forgiveness is not equal to acceptance.

I think you have spent a lot of time thinking.

And i think you know that

Cheating is a dealbreaker for you.

So please think

Do you want to waste your time.

I know its hard to let someone you love go.

But sometime we have to force ourselves.

I also forced myself for divorce

Because i knew that there is so much to digest.

Including

The thought of another man having sex with ex ww

The thought of another man in my house(thats why i left the house)

Lies excuses of late night work

And other sexting and pics

(Your wife sent the pic every day)

I also want to tell you that in my case ww was the biggest trigger than other objects

Btw sorry for the reminder.

But this the reality of marriage.

You cannot forget it.

So the choice is yours

But my advise is divorce

And then start dating find a faithful wife and raise a happy family without the scars and triggers of infidelity.

[This message edited by jinkazama at 3:14 PM, November 25th (Saturday)]

T/j

Well jink here’s the thing,

You have no idea whether your new girlfriend or wife will cheat on you in the future.

We all actually never know. And, while past behavior is a likely predictor of future behavior, that is also very often not true. We read the stories here everyday. Some waywards get their shit together and become a spouse that one can believe in again. You called it a dealbreaker, while others do reconcile. That was your call. But not everyone makes the same call. And you know what, that’s ok, too.

Lux,

Stay on your track. All our opinions are just that, our opinions. There is no shame in reconciling with someone you love who has actually worked hard on themselves. There is no shame in seeking a divorce either. You do you. In whatever timeframe serves you.

I do wish you peace and healing. Time does help. So, however do actions. You are best to define for yourself your future. All our opinions aside.

You have no idea whether your new girlfriend or wife will cheat on you in the future.

I have been giving this idea a lot of thought. I got a D from my abusive, cheating, lying ex but the idea of being hurt again in a new relationship makes me wonder if I will ever risk that again.

Firstly I know I am better off alone than in a relationship where someone could betray and hurt me so terribly.

But secondly I believe that infidelity isn’t the only sign that someone has issues or needs help. There is a whole type of attitude and thinking that goes into “being wayward”.

There are FOO issues or major why’s. They would be evident as red flags in other aspects of a relationship.

So I hope that by being aware of such signs of selfish thinking and being healed enough to believe that I deserve a full partner in life I, and anyone else who chooses to love someone new will be able to be confident that our new love will be someone who deserves the love we will give them.

Ok so someone advises divorce after bringing up the painful details of the affair. NOT HELPFUL.

Too many here are trying to push you to divorce as if they have a vested interest in this. I guess they want to get you to join their own little band of brothers divorce club. Not all of this advice is helpful. A lot isn't.

Take a break from this forum for a while, and figure out what to do. We don't know you. We are just nameless faceless people on a keyboard( including me).

Just take a break.

If I pissed anyone off I don't care.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 5:37 PM, November 25th (Saturday)]

LJ,

It seems that you lived together happily for 10 years before marriage. Then after the marriage she did not wait very long after becoming Mrs. LJ before she took the first step that eventually led to the mess you are dealing with now.

First know that you do not have to remain married. I fact, I recommend that you proceed with the divorce.

Let her know that you are open to the live-in relationship you had previously. But with rules of honesty and transparency in place.

Remind her that it will take years for you to feel "safe" with her again and that it is up to her to prove that she can be a safe partner to you.

If you just want to say what she has done has destroyed any and all thoughts of her as a partner - then disregard all of the above.

Stop listening to the pro divorce group.

Listen to people that are neutral. Yes I tend to be neutral.

If your wondering my wife cheated on me off and on with her ex boyfriend while we were dating probably while engaged and a couple of years after we were married. This happened over 30 years ago.

Make up your own mind and let no one push you one way or another.

By the way one simple definition of reconciliation is "the restoration of friendly relations"

I'm out, this thread has gone on too long. The advice is starting to become redundant.

Lux,

I’m a binary type. You have a number of people projecting outcomes on ya as happens here. Take what you want to use and leave the rest. But you know that...

Anyhow. Logistics. You unfortunately are a few weeks behind obtaining legal guidance. It’s of critical nature that you do this. Don’t think of it as DIVORCE. Picture it as going to an educational class which will survey the impact that marriage dissolution will have on you.

In the end the only person LJ will listen to is LJ.

All the rest is just advice, and food for thought. He’s out of immediate crisis and therefore can take all the time he needs to think about what he wants for the rest of his life and if his WW will be part of that in one form or another.

If I was presented with the same set of circumstances with a WW that appears to be doing the work I would most likely take TimSCs approach. In fact I think I mentioned something similar on an early page of this thread.

My thoughts are she ended the marriage the first time she went too far with the AP. That doesn’t mean she can’t now prove herself if that is what she intends to do over the next 20-30-40 years. But that wouldn’t mean she gets to prove that she is all in and safe, as my wife.

Being anyone’s spouse is a privilege that is given to someone with (hopefully) much thought Especially since commitment is something that can be pleasurable but can be so fragile and provide for so much pain. Someone who breaks that trust in such a devastating way would no longer have the right to that commitment from me.

But if I still loved them I would give them the chance to earn it back. But not as my spouse. In a committed and monogamous relationship yes, but no longer in a marriage.

Some people live together for decades but don’t marry. So in this situation I might go back to that. Or after years I might feel safe enough to try marriage again if I felt she was truly safe and committed after even decades.

There are truly a great number of options for you LJ. And you have as long as you want to decide.

And that’s a good thing.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:56 PM, November 25th (Saturday)]

BTW if someone is saying ‘don’t listen to this group’ then they’re representing an opinion based off of another, similarly inflexible group.

You literally can’t make a decision to R or D right now if you tried. You can file but you will not be divorced for quite some time. The next 60 days of steps are the same whether you decide now or later so why decide at this precise moment? It does not behoove you to do this. You have 60 additional days of checklist items to fulfill. Use that time to detach further so that you can make the best decision possible for your precise, unique situation.

You WILL need to eventually file though.

For those who missed it, one word reflects L/J's view of R: ludicrous.

L/J, you are effectively living an in-house separation, pending divorce. Consider posting in s/d section of SI. Advice over there may be more relevant to your situation.

Ok so someone advises divorce after bringing up the painful details of the affair. NOT HELPFUL.

Too many here are trying to push you to divorce as if they have a vested interest in this. I guess they want to get you to join their own little band of brothers divorce club. Not all of this advice is helpful. A lot isn't.

Take a break from this forum for a while, and figure out what to do. We don't know you. We are just nameless faceless people on a keyboard( including me).

Just take a break.

Gently - You are a new member - not a guide or administrator - It is not your place to dictate terms for posting here.

Stop listening to the pro divorce group.

Make up your own mind and let no one push you one way or another.

From the same post. Pathetic.

L/J, you are effectively living an in-house separation, pending divorce. Consider posting in s/d section of SI. Advice over there may be more relevant to your situ

Very good suggestion. That board is full of people who have walked the path you are headed down. Tap that brain trust.

I have been following this post from the start and IMHO I am convinced that LuxuryJellO continues getting tremendous support and advice from the people on this forum. I am somewhat perturbed however by reading some advising divorce in a way which comes across as LJO’s only option, while on the other hand some are also supporting reconciliation. We all have the right to our own biases which may be from the result of our own experiences. But now two factions are obviously at play and with some amount of disquiet and I am not sure if this is healthy for OP. Yes he is the only one who should make the decision whether he divorces or reconciles with his cheating spouse. However I feel this is taking a turn which is even now reflecting some undertones of in some responses. My concern or question is to the appropriateness as to the intent in some responses.

I felt pressured reading some of the latest responses and I am not the BH. Sensitivity should prevail (when a spouse is ambivalent, anxious, confused etc) even when we choose to be candid. I am left to wonder what happens then if after infidelity the Wayward spouse is remorseful and does all the work to reconcile with the Betrayed spouse. In this instance it seems somewhat futile and frankly may be quite discouraging to the wayward and the betrayed with regards to changing their inappropriate behavior.

Of course this is just my personal thought upon reading the last few responses. SI is no doubt a great forum; LuxuryJellO you have major decisions to make regarding your marriage and I can only wish you well in your decision making, but take all the necessary time before doing so.

Hey yeah just gonna chime in here quickly to clarify that the reason I'm still participating in this forum is because I appreciate the support and because people periodically have checked in on me to ask for updates. What I'm honestly not looking for at the moment is advice on what I should be doing (specifically when it comes to R vs D). I'm working through those future plans with my IC and we've got it covered.

That being said, I appreciate how passionately many of you have responded to my story. It's a nice feeling to know that I've got an army of strangers who've got my back, but please guys: calm down.

Frankly its better to be cheated on by a new partner than the same partner.

You are only getting advice here.

Nobody can force you to make a decision.

Its your choice.

And its my request to other users who reconciled.

Please dont judge people who chose to D.because i am not judging you.

Its just me(who cannot R)

The people with whom i was 100 percent committed

And they were 0 percent committed to me

I just cannot live with them.

Again Its the OP choice to make a desicision

We cannot force him.

Thanks for the update, LJ.

I’m especially glad to see that you’re listening to neither the pro-D, nor the pro-R, forces here. In my estimation, you comprehend the fact that the best advice here is dispassionate, and neutral. You are going to do what is correct for you, regardless of the forces here attempting to sway you in one direction or another. I respect that.

Do what you need to do for yourself, on your own timeline, and disregard the push to figure things out “right now.” As you implied... anonymous persons on an internet board, while valuable, are not equivalent to real life persons. This is not to discount the words provided here... but only to put it into perspective regarding your particular fact pattern.

Keep doing you, LJ!! You’ll figure out your own truth on your own timeline, regardless of the forces on this board.

P.S. Some here are implying that because you don’t yet have a split of your assets, you’re weak. Please don’t listen to these people. As you’ve insinuated, you’ll undertake this task when you believe it is right. Furthermore, as has been mentioned, and I hope you comprehend, this list can be undertaken under a divorce, post-nup, or potentially a pre-nup if you decide to split with CSCE and decide to marry her again. As such, I hope understand that the foregoing push is little more than a third party attempting to decide your marriage for you, rather than you. I know you’re not that uninformed.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 4:38 AM, November 26th (Sunday)]

I don’t think anyone is saying he’s weak for anything.

I do think that we Lux’s Anonymous Internet Buddies we should be recommending that he speak with a lawyer so that he completely understands all aspects and impacts of all of his possible decisions.

Lx, you’re a lucky dude having an IC that works for you. We’re i to wave a magic wand the two things I’d wish is that I could get each BS into a real life support network which includes IC and for exposure to be fully braced as *the* best tool in the toolsjed

Hi LJ

I was so pleased when I saw your last post.

At one stage in my JFO journey, at a particularly tough point, I did not log in one evening. When I came back the next day, my thread had grown by about 3 pages overnight. The thing is, most of that was folk talking about me or to me but none of it was talking with me. I nearly left at that point but recognised how much SI had done for me, as well as the fact taht, even all of what was said overnight, was well intentioned. So I reclaimed my thread and kept getting the best sort of support a man in our position can get.

With that said, I am here to talk with you. Engage with you in conversation. I am hoping that the weekend has treated you well again?

Also, after having watched pretty much everything that I can find of "Boys in the Hall" on YouTube. (just between you and I, I have enjoyed all if it. Except of course that one clip), I was about to shoot my mouth off with a little side brag but then the sensible side of the brain kicked in and urged caution. So before I launch into my brag, could I ask, I suppose you know the work of Trevor Noah, and what do you think of what he has done with the Daily Show?.