SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is on here elsewhere... but basically my wife had a three year affair that was emotional for about six months and then physical for the next 2.5 years. During that time we had two babies. That's right. My wife had an affair while pregnant.

DD was December 2016.

This was the second time she cheated... first was in December 2001.

Thursday is our 10 year wedding anniversary.

And my gut says "go". My IC says to stay and work. Our MC says to stay and work. A girl I met on Tinder who frequents this board says to stay and work.

I'm having such a hard time. I'm so hurt and angry when I think about the things she did with her AP with MY babies inside of her. At the things she was writing to him and in her journal at that time... It feels like it was all a lie. A big fat joke at Aslan's expense...

I've asked this question on here before but... How do you WANT to reconcile? How do you let them in that close again? How do you trust them ever again?

I feel like I'm drowning...

Aslan. I am so sorry for you. Please know your wife made these terrible choices that have nothing to do with you.

Regarding your question to reconcile. Obviously a very personal choice.

Interesting to note my therapist never said stay and reconcile but did say to me if that is my choice he can help us R.

You have to want to make the commitment.

The CS has to want to make that commitment.

Not for the kids sake or any other reason but that you love her and want to stay M.

And now may not be the time to make those decisions. It may be too soon.

To have R be successful you must be all in - 100%. For both of you.

Only you can decide what your acceptance and tolerance of her behavior will be or can be. And it can change at any time as well. I would not make any rash decisions. I would take a careful approach if I was uncertain right now.

However if you really know you cannot live with this, then you need to start preparing for a separation or D.

So sorry for you. I understand your outrage - I really do.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:17 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I hate to ask this - but are you sure those babies are yours?

I am 16 years post Dday, and I can tell you that reconciliation is REALLY hard, and honestly, if I had to go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, my WW and I are in a good place. We're friends and get along great. Love? How could I love someone that I don't trust? Aside from that one glitch, we're fine though.

It's hard to gaze into a crystal ball and see how things would have gone if I had D her after Dday, but I think I would be better off today had I walked away back then. No way to tell of course.

Only you can decide what to do. Other people always come at things from their perspective, they're not you so they really don't know the scope of your suffering. You've given 8 months for the effort, my suggestion is that you wait 4 more months before deciding. Wait until that one year anti-versary, then evaluate where you are, and how your WW has responded to you after Dday.

To answer your questions:

How do you want to reconcile?

I decided to reconcile because I didn't want another man to have anything to do with raising my two daughters. Lots of step-dads abuse their step-daughters, and my priority was to protect my children. BTW, women are MUCH more likely to get custody of the kids after divorce - no matter what they've done.

How do you let them close again?

You don't. You let them somewhat close, but when someone shows you who they are and what the can do - pay attention. Keep a safe distance between your heart and your WW's hammer.

How do you trust them ever again?

I've discovered that trust (like a lot of things) is analog, not digital. I trust my WW within a certain range of activities. But my trust of her is not the important thing - which is that I trust myself. I trust that should my WW start acting out again (and I'm hyper alert for signs) I know that I will handle it appropriately - which in most instances be an instant divorce. Trust yourself. You are the only one that has your best interests at heart, everyone else has an agenda.

As a follow up to mightmare'so response I sm only 4 years past DDay 2 and this was the second A. Just an FYI he did ask for a D multiple times during his last A.

He has shown true remorse and behaviors have changed. He has proven he can be trusted.

But I trust him b/c I know if there are any signs I will D him on the spot. No discussions.

I think b/c now that my rose colored glasses are off I view our M differently. And I do love him and want to be M but I also know I don't love him the way I used to. He was mean and nasty in the things he said during the A. He was going to kick me to the curb. And now I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Sorry I just don't buy it. Not any more. If I was sooooo special and all that there would not have been 2 affairs. Both were EAs. But the second one was heading towards a PA.

In any event the idea is that you have to want to be with that person. And I did consider my children but had there been a D no other man was coming in 10 feet of my kids and I don't want anyone being their stepfather.

The point is there are many factors to consider. But your children should not grow up in an unhappy home. And if you are staying for any other reason other than love for her and a desire to make the M work then it will become an unhappy home and your kids eill sense it.

Drowning is a really good description of that first six to eight months of emotions.

I know your story well, some of the same sordid circumstances apply to our horrible reality. My wife was pregnant with our youngest son when she jumped into a 4-year long term affair.

Anyway - based on my wife's actions after her confession, those helped me to realize there was something worth rebuilding here.

Right now, the pain of it all still needs to be processed. You're right in the middle of a world that's been burned to the ground and all you can see is destruction. At least that's how I remember it.

But I did KNOW I was willing to offer grace, to offer one last chance based on my wife finally understanding what it would take to be a safe and loving partner.

Your MC may see something of her worth working with.

Others may see something of you wife to work with.

The difference is, only YOU will ever know the decision YOU need to make.

15-months later, the pain isn't gone for me -- it is just so much less. And my wife and I finally figured out what a relationship is supposed to look like. We got married young and had all of the fairy tale ending expectations -- and those unmet expectations caused a rift.

Reconciliation -- to me -- is two people wanting a stronger, more authentic relationship, who protect each other, have empathy for each other and do whatever it takes to accomplish those goals.

None of this is easy, regardless of the path you choose.

My gut was to give my wife another shot.

I went with it and am extremely glad I did. Even IF the wheels come off (or as another pal said, if the bottom drops out) -- I will always be glad that I did all I could as a husband to salvage our family.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:33 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I am so sorry you have been so betrayed. It is so painful. I have to agree that you should probably confirm patermoty o hope that works out well. Sorry to even say that.

Why is the MC saying that? What are the reasons?

Who is this girl you referenced on Tinder? I'm confused about that.

I don't know how to want to R, but have been told to wait 6-12 months to make sure you are not making a decision while in trauma.

I'm about at the same point as you on my timeline and I feel the same. My gut says D is the best option, but I have two young kids so it's complicated. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life with a person who could do such terrible things.

Why is your IC telling you to stay?

I would think your IC wouldn't be given you specific direction, but helping you to become stronger and healthier to make your own decisions?

Did she ever admit to full on sex? I can't remember but you and I both know they had full on sex. If she's sticking to her lie then she's not worthy of reconciling with.

Aslan, I can't begin to imagine a multi-year affair through pregnancies. There is nothing that I could ever say to comfort that.

One thing you said sticks out to me. You talked about the various votes to stay, but then you mentioned someone you met on Tinder. Knowing what I know about that app, why did you go on Tinder? That is not typically the action that someone who wants to stay and reconcile would pursue.

I think part of that drowning feeling includes your own actions. Have you been pursuing other women and/or connecting emotionally with them rather than trying to reconnect with your wife? R is a two-way street and it requires 100% commitment from each partner. If you're not all in, then you need to be out.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 1:28 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I think R is probably the best bet for almost all people, if the WS is remorseful.

Is your W remorseful?

I, too, wonder why your IC is urging you to stay and work. Is it because s/he hears something from you that you don't hear and understand yet? IOW, do your communications to your IC actually mean you want to R?

But here's the thing: after infidelity, you have a free choice. You can - and IMO should - get everything, especially 'shoulds', out of your mind except, 'What do I want?'

If the answer is 'D', I would bet that's the right answer for you - and that's the thing that counts most, IMO.

You can't force yourself to want that. Sometimes the cheating is just the proverbial 'deal breaker'... Sometimes wayward can earn the chance at reconciliation,,, Sometimes everyone does everything 'right' to reconcile and it still just does not work out.

I did not 'want' to reconcile for a very, very long time. My wife essentially bribed me with an extremely favorable post-nup to get one year to prove herself. My intention was to take advantage of the extremely great finacial deal of the post-nup, wait the year and divorce her. I told her this and she was still willing to take that chance. She went over the top, all out, 100% in (and continues to do so). Her effort changed my mind - but it was by a very slim margin. We are 5+ years into reconciliation.

Not saying that will happen for you... but sometimes it takes a good long time to make the decision. Sometimes it is just over..

Sorry for not having a clear answer for you... But I kind of suspect there isn't one.

Just an opinion from afar, but it seems to me they want you to stay for her and not for you. Yet, it's you that counts most.

You have to comfortable in R.

You have to want to live with a betrayer.

You have to want to deny yourself and belief system.

You have to want to stay for the kids (are they yours?) in a shell of a marriage.

It's no longer about her, it's about you.

You need to do what's best for you and your happiness and security.

Just an opinion from afar, but it seems to me they want you to stay for her and not for you.

Or for themselves.

No marriage = No more marriage counseling $$

No marriage = Healing quicker = less need for IC $$

OR with the Tinder girl, you need to stay and work on things with your wife because Tinder is for single people.

I don't have any advice. Do what you think is best in your situation. Everyone's tolerance level after infidelity is different.

My IC says to stay and work. Our MC says to stay and work. A girl I met on Tinder who frequents this board says to stay and work.

Only ASLAN lives with his WW - day in and day out and feels the pain. And for Aslan, her As may very well be a dealbreaker.

You get one life and one heart. You should live your life happy and protect your heart....and...

Follow your gut.

JMHO.

Never ignore your gut. That's my new post divorce motto, had I listened I would have saved myself a world of hurt.

On a different note, why are you on tinder? If you are married and living as such, it seems odd that you would be hanging out on tinder.

Revenge affairs, while tempting, are not a good idea.

The1stWife...

First -- thanks for your kind words.

Aslan. I am so sorry for you. Please know your wife made these terrible choices that have nothing to do with you.

It sure feels like my fault. You know? If I didn't do anything wrong then why do I feel like I'm being punished? Why would she do this?

Only you can decide what your acceptance and tolerance of her behavior will be or can be. And it can change at any time as well. I would not make any rash decisions. I would take a careful approach if I was uncertain right now.

That's a thing I am starting to hear and understand... that this is a fluid situation. I feel like my wife is a very black and white person and if I rock around too much she'll get very frustrated with me. That causes me to stabilize where I am comfortable which, right now, is in a place of thinking it should end.

However if you really know you cannot live with this, then you need to start preparing for a separation or D.

What does that look like?

nightmare01:

I hate to ask this - but are you sure those babies are yours?

I did cheek swabs on both of them back in January. Both came back as mine.

I am 16 years post Dday, and I can tell you that reconciliation is REALLY hard, and honestly, if I had to go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't.

You are EXACTLY the kind of person I want to hear from. My major concern is making a choice I will regret. Every situation is different but getting data points like yours helps me a lot. So thank you for responding...

my suggestion is that you wait 4 more months before deciding

Oh man... I don't know if I can do this for 4 more months... I feel like I'm drowning or trapped or something. I'll consider it though.

I decided to reconcile because I didn't want another man to have anything to do with raising my two daughters. Lots of step-dads abuse their step-daughters, and my priority was to protect my children.

This is a major concern of mine... but I've talked myself into a place where I don't really have control over this. My wife could have left me for the AP (they talked about it... she didn't because he couldn't give her the life she thought her kids deserved... according to her journal). So at least if I pull the trigger I can at least have an illusion of some control over the situation.

How do you let them close again?

You don't. You let them somewhat close, but when someone shows you who they are and what the can do - pay attention. Keep a safe distance between your heart and your WW's hammer.

I cannot live with that.

Oldwounds -- my old friend! I saw another post on here today that you were taking a break or something. Glad you are still around.

Anyway - based on my wife's actions after her confession, those helped me to realize there was something worth rebuilding here.

What actions were those?

Right now, the pain of it all still needs to be processed. You're right in the middle of a world that's been burned to the ground and all you can see is destruction. At least that's how I remember it.

Exactly right.

...expectations...

I read a great article about expectations being the root of most marriage problems. The advice was to 1) voice your expectations in a kind and gentle way; 2) just roll with it -- things don't have to be perfect. I was never great at #1 but was great at #2 (except the infidelity... I cannot roll with that). My wife failed miserably at #1 and #2. It was the source of all of our pre-infidelity problems. She had unrealistic expectations. Those expectations where met by her affair partner. The man she has told me she would pick instead of me if she had met us at the same time.The man she said was her soul mate.

My gut was to give my wife another shot.

I wish I had this. My gut says she'll just do this again. She is terrible and personal growth and change. She's never accomplished it. She's never stuck to it. What makes this time different? Also, my gut said something was going on way back in 2011 and I ignored it because I loved her, trusted her, and she assured me they were just friends. I confronted her about it in 2011, 2012, and 2013. Every time I was shut down. Every time I ignored my gut.

I went with it and am extremely glad I did. Even IF the wheels come off (or as another pal said, if the bottom drops out) -- I will always be glad that I did all I could as a husband to salvage our family.

This is appealing to me... but some stuff came out in March/April that has made this much harder for me. In December I was sure we could work through it. But trickle truth really damaged it.

I'm not trying to be combative with you. I very much appreciate your input. It means so very much to me. Thank you!

However if you really know you cannot live with this, then you need to start preparing for a separation or D.

What does that look like?

Have you seen an attorney yet? Have you thought about asking her to move out to clear your head? And if she refuses, don't you move out until you talk to an attorney. I've heard some states could treat that as abandonment.