SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My best friend is seeing a new girl. She's fun. She's lovely. And she's cheated in every guy she has ever been with (3 as far as I know). I was talking to my BS about their relationship. I said that it will be amusing when my best friend comes to me crying because his new girl cheated on him. I told my BS that it will be funny. Not quite "haha" funny but funny in a smirkable way. A smile because your hypothesis was realized.

Anyways, this was a major trigger for my BS.

We then went through a not so good period, few days or so. Eventually we talked it out and it turns out my BS feels like she is weak for not walking away from me after my betrayal. I reassured her that nothing will ever happen between AP and I ever again (I actually haven't fully disclosed everything).

But I spent that night thinking she's right. My BS is weak. She should have left me. I don't want her to. I love her. But I do think she is weak for not leaving me.

Interesting that you view her as weak. She's giving you a chance to prove to her you're a good man. She's standing by her vows.

Reconciliation isn't for the weak. Most betrayed spouses would tell you it's the hardest thing they've ever done.

Cheating and lying is weak. Cowardly. Maybe you're projecting your weakness onto her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:13 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

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Eventually we talked it out and it turns out my BS feels like she is weak for not walking away from me after my betrayal. I reassured her that nothing will ever happen between AP and I ever again (I actually haven't fully disclosed everything).

But I spent that night thinking she's right. My BS is weak. She should have left me. I don't want her to. I love her. But I do think she is weak for not leaving me.

You are controlling your BW via your continued lies. A non-disclosure is a lie by omission, and lies are always told to manipulate others. Your BW is not weak for trying to save her marriage, because she is being duped. She is operating with an incomplete set of facts.

Risking a repeat of your worst fears and thinking about the bigger picture to get to the best decision is not weak. It is wise.

I would come clean with everything. She might divorce you if you come clean, but she will divorce you if you keep lying to her.

I get why your BS did not like your commentary.

What you've just told in her in a roundabout way is that cheaters never can change. She has to conclude that you expect you will cheat on her again.

Not trying to stir the pot, but why would you laugh at your friend? Clearly he's being foolish, but how is that remotely funny, especially because of your current situation?

Forgiveness is not weakness. I've had to forgive the unforgivable many time (and many different people). It takes an ungodly amount of strength and determination. The "ironic" part of that is that it's a gift you give yourself, not the other person. The other person and their remorse or lack thereof doesn't even matter.

Your post is very telling and gives insight into why you cheated, or more exactly, how. You knew she wouldn't leave. You view her as weak because you can con her and manipulate her. You have zero respect for her.

I agree, she is weak. She should have left you on day 1. No kids...she could have a clean start with some nice guy, but she is stuck with you I guess.

Let me get this straight. She's weak yet you quiver in your shoes at the thought of telling her the truth...the significant truth...why? If she's so weak...then tell her the truth. And the fact you would smirk at your friend's pain should his gf betray him tells me you lack empathy for him and your wife.

Agree with all of the above. 3 years out and you haven't disclosed everything??? You are still wayward and she should make tracks. She's not weak, she loves you but you have not revealed all of who you are to her.

I see the opposite on this subject

I see my H stronger then ever trying to overcome the pain I caused him. He could runaway from because in the long run his pain will probably heal faster. But his not.

He tells me that leaving would be so much easier on him and better but he choose to stay because deep down he loves me and don't want a life without us.

It takes courage, strength and determination to try to overcome the pain and trauma that we WS cause to our BS. To stand by us everyday and hope that things one day will get better, to overcome and heal from something like this is incredible on the part of the BS.

Leavin is not weak either. When a BS tries or don't. Making choices of what a BS needs to do in this situation is not easy or weak. It's what is best for them. Some WS are not remorseful but they choose to stay bc leaving might be harder for them. Them feeling like they don't have a easy way out is probably a scary thing. The life they once knew is over and takes years to overcome, then making choices they should not be faced with is nothing short of weak.

It's just so easy to have an opinion on something you never experienced in your life. Must be nice to say your W is weak when you have not idea what she is going through with your actions. Sounds like you have a lot to learn. I would start with empathy.

[This message edited by godheals at 3:27 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Why are you even here? What help are you seeking? Do you post nonsense just to get a rise out of others pain? I feel very bad for your bs, unless of course you are a child just trolling.

If you think she's weak and you aren't going to tell her the truth, why do you not respect her enough to leave her? At least then she has a chance to find someone who will treat her like a valued partner.

If you think she's weak and you aren't going to tell her the truth, why do you not respect her enough to leave her? At least then she has a chance to find someone who will treat her like a valued partner.

IMO, lying about something like this is the ultimate disrespect. He won't leave her because he doesn't respect her. It's easier to just continue to lie and cheat and manipulate her, playing her like a puppet on a string. He can do whatever he wants, so why should he leave?

Never mind. The words would be wasted on the OP

[This message edited by ff4152 at 4:26 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

*yawn* hello troll.

The person who is weak is YOU.

You're an emotional vampire here for another feeding. Down deep, there's no THERE there and you know it. Nothing to love, nothing to respect, nothing worth connecting with. The only way to feel okay about yourself is to fuck with other people while they don't know they're being fucked with. You fake them out into connecting with you.

Dude, this is no way to live. Get some help. Fix your brain wiring. There is a whole glorious world of emotional connection that is part of the human condition but the only way you can partake is if you start to get that you are worthy of it without all the mind fuckery. Whatever connection you experience due to mind fuckery is shadowy and shallow. Not real at all. Like you. Doesn't have to be this way.

Lotb,

You are the weak one, let's get that straight. Waywards are the ones whose morals and ethics took a back seat for an ego boost or a moment of feel good, devastating the one person who we swore an oath to love and cherish and protect.

An appropriate way to rephrase that is she regrets not standing up more for herself, weak would mean she will take anything from you and not fight for her rights but apparently she let you know her displeasure at your comment.

Plus, as other posters have said, you don't really respect her.

You should ask if she views you as weak or strong, and maybe you can have empathy for her situation.

Keep trying

A Stop Sign has been added to this thread. It s now closed off the responses from Betrayed Spouses.

Ooops! I wrote a thoughtful response to you before the stop sign was put there.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 5:04 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

My wife feels she is weak for all the times she has forgiven me and all the chances she has given me, but it really took an amazing amount of strength for her to last this long. Whether she will last any longer I don't know, but if she does stay it will be because she is amazingly resilient in the face of my weakness. The fact that I put myself before her and our children to fulfill the emotional and psychological hole inside me means that I am the one that is weak and it has been her strength that has kept this family alive so far.

Op here,

Thank you for all the replies. But the way I see it is that you're all twisting a weakness into a strength to fit your agenda. Sort of a way to give your BS's a pat in the head for accepting reconciliation. "Awww...aren't you a strong one for staying with me despite my deceit". Sure, it takes some strength for reconciliation. But I think a stronger, more confident person would have walked out on me long, long ago.

Does it take more strength to give someone a second chance? I don't think so. I'm not saying that people never deserve a second chance for anything. But giving a second chances isn't exactly an exercise of force.

I do not hope that my best friend is cheated on with his new girlfriend. I'll definitely hear and see all the fallout. But if he did forgive her (if she cheats), I will think less of him. Not as a person. He's my best friend and I love him like a brother. But I'll know that he's sort of a pushover. If he was strong, he will leave her immediately upon knowing that she cheated.

[This message edited by Lordofthebinge at 1:09 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

Should probably stop looking for weaknesses in other people and look in the mirror. That has to be the weakest person you'll ever meet by far.