SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been together for almost 8 years. We've been engaged for about 4. I'm 32, she's 30.

She started a new job in May. Then she had a bad accident with a deer in June which totaled the car I bought for her. Her behavior since then had been off. I didn't notice it right away, but at one point in early July she had a talk with me saying she didn't feel butterflies for me anymore and wasn't sure if she still loved me. Among that crushing blow and the other things that were said it stuck out as symptoms of depression. The biggest indicator was she didn't have any feelings at all. Her father also noticed she had been off since the accident. I asked her if she'd be willing to see a doctor, because I would stick by her and support her while she got help. I wasn't about to let a chemical imbalance end the relationship with the love of my life. I asked if she could get some help, follow what the doctor says, and see how she feels after a bit. She agreed, but never made an appointment. I let it go for a couple/few weeks so as not to pressure her. She can be grumpy and stubborn if she feels "annoyed" by people. I was going to bring it up soon.

Then late last month I had a dream, of which I won't bore you with the details, but it stuck with me all day(Monday the 24th). I got home and decided to look at our phone records. There was a number she had previously told me was a work number that she had been calling outside of work hours. The previous day she had called it when she left extremely early for her sister's baby announcement. She had also been leaving very early for work some nights. She does have an hour or so drive and likes to get there early to not be tardy. But leaving just after midnight to get to work by 3 seemed odd. She claimed she would go to walmart then to work.

I confronted her about the phone stuff and her pupils dilated immediately. I asked her what happened. She said a coworker took her out to breakfast before work one day a week or two ago. I asked again what happened because there was obviously more to the story. She said he kissed her. Apparently she did not resist. I asked her if anything else happened. She told me they had made out at work the previous Thursday.

I was angry and walked into a different room for a bit to process it all. Came back later and asked why. "I don't know". I again asked what else happened. It wasn't a makeout session. They had sex at work. They were both fully aware of each other's significant others. I asked how old he was, she said "I don't know around our age". I found out on my own that he's 10 years older than her, which is clear to anyone's eye, and has a wife that's 26 years older than he is, and they have an 18 year old daughter.

I couldn't believe it.

The next night I found his wife's phone number online, which turned out to be his house phone. I don't recall exactly how it went down. He answered , I asked for his wife. He asked who it was, so I told him I'm the guy who's fiancee you've been cheating with and I wanted to let his wife know. She apparently asked who it was and he told her it was the guy who's fiancee he'd been getting close with at work. He said there, now she knows. I said Yeah, I bet. Have fun. Then hung up. I didn't believe he told her, but apparently he did. I had sleuthed out her facebook previously and her status was married. After that night it changed to separated.

Early that week I urged her to go to the doctor. I had previously went with her after the collision with the deer. That doctor had said if there was any more concern that she could get a brain scan at the other facility nearby. When we went back in I was hoping we could schedule the brain scan, but the doctor(a different one) said it wasn't likely to show anything and instead prescribed anti depressants.

I was kept in limbo for about week after that. I tried talking to my fiancee but she was in a daze and her response to almost everything was "I don't know". She didn't know if she loved him, she didn't know if she loved me. I told her if there was any hope she had to stop talking to him immediately. She didn't. That Friday I talked to her on the phone and one remark that really irked me was when she said "everyone keeps calling and annoying us", the US being her and the guy. The THEM being their concerned friends and family. So they'd get together and talk about what they were going to do, and who knows what else.

I made the decision to move out and take our pets. The Sunday after I found out I had friends help me take everything of mine out of the house(except the stove my brother gave me because I didn't feel like messing with the gas lines).

She had saw me packing boxes when she came home the day before I left and said nothing. In all the conversations I had with her she said she felt nothing. Not just for me, but for everything. I felt like the accident with the deer had done something to her. I'm still not sure. This isn't the person I knew. I contacted her August 7th and put forth a plan. If she followed the doctor's instructions with the medicine and following up with appointments, pushed for the scan, got some counseling, and most importantly cut contact with the guy for good, that I could potentially continue a relationship.

She only just started taking the medicine this week. She claims to have had the appointment for the scan today. And she had stopped talking to the guy according to our shared phone plan.

The problems I have is that I spoke to her yesterday and she was extremely irritated(only two days into the meds, if she even was taking them). Which was strange because it's the only bit of emotion I have seen from her in about a month's time. She hasn't shed a tear that I've seen and she claimed to have not cried at all, not even for the cats. One of which was her favorite, they had a strong bond. I feel like the medicine might be doing something, but again it was only two days in. Could be a side effect. Another problem is that she still has plenty of time to talk to him at work, and potentially make plans after work. She says she told him she wanted to keep it professional and only talk about work stuff. No way of knowing or trusting that. The other problem is that I tried asking about the scan today and there has been no response from her. I wanted to go with her just to see that it was done. The last worry is that she has a burner since she knows I can see the phone records. She also said she's been looking for a different job and has an interview. The phone stuff I can see says otherwise.

I hope she did get the scan today and we can find out in a few days what results that may have. I had read about brain injuries, and frontal lobe damage seemed to match up with a lot of her behavior since the accident, including the inappropriate sexual stuff. I'm aware I could be grasping at nothing, but I need to find out for my own sake to see if it's worth putting myself through any more of this.

The next step would be counseling, just her initially. Later I would like to join in some sessions. I'd like to get it for myself on my own either way but I don't have insurance.

There's probably some stuff I forgot or didn't elaborate on enough.

I'm aware I could be grasping at nothing, but I need to find out for my own sake to see if it's worth putting myself through any more of this.

Good for you making the effort to see what effect her TBI may be having on her behavior. That second doc you went to was wrong to rule out a scan. It would be best if you could be there when the results are discussed. If her executive (decision making) functioning is off, she may not have gone to get the scan. And if she did, she may not be able to follow through on the doc's findings.

Tushnurse may find your post. She has heavy duty medical cred. And she can explain things in way that is easily understood by us lay folks.

A very sudden change like she made could indicate some physical/mental problem and I'm assuming the affair took place after her accident. Try to be as patient with her as you can.

Since she and her boyfriend are still talking, if you want to help her you need to end that. Calling her employer may be an option and I would certainly call his wife again when he isn't home and make sure she knows the whole truth.

My first wife reacted the same way when our marriage was ending. She was in a daze, unresponsive and said many of the things your wife is saying.

Hang in there. I know this: The truth will always come out.

why are you trying to save this ???

I wanted to see if the accident had anything to do with it before I ended it completely. I would hate to throw what we had away because of a brain injury. Not that I'd be able to snap back instantly, it would still take a good deal of rebuilding trust and following what the doctor's recommended.

I doubt it's going to work out at this point. I've confirmed she's had a burner since she agreed to get help with the whole doctor/scan plan. Don't know why she'd continue the cruelty and pretend like she'd get help.

You blame it on the accident but yes maybe the accident did have an effect, less on brain injury rather that she felt life was fleeting.

I have no doubt you brought up the accident as n excuse for her actions and she's ran with it.

At some point whether it's lack of empathy or not, you make the decision to cheat, to go out and buy that burner phone, to lie.

You're not throwing away anything, if she refuses to get help (if she does have an injury) what are you meant to do, make sure she's safe while she contacts her boyfriend? Drive her there, how long do you wait in a marriage while she's off having sex with the OM.

Do what you need to do for yourself and protect yourself.

Tushnurse may find your post.

Good Morning and welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

I am a nurse of 25 years, and have done a variety of things from ICU nursing to Case Management.

I can tell you that brain trauma can cause people to act differently. However if she has sustained a real brain trauma, you probably knew it at the time. Migraines, forgetfulness, etc.

So what I believe is that she most likely has not sustained a TBI to cause her to act out like this. However until it ruled out you will never feel strong enough to say enough, and draw your boundaries. So make sure it is ruled out.

I am curious why they did a CT and not an MRI. Usually MRI's allow a lot more to be visualized, in soft tissue.

Additionally I would encourage you to be very up front with her. Regardless of WHY she made the choices she did, they are still wrong, and still a betrayal, and she knows this on some level.

You need to figure out what you want to do, try to save the relationship, or walk away. Personally, I'd would be hard pressed to attempt R with anyone I was not married to, or did not have children with. Life is to short to spend it being treated like an option, and back up plan.

Please check out the healing library, keep reading, and posting.

Whatever you decide we will support you.

((((And Strength))))

Might help if you elaborate on the accident.

How hard was the impact? Airbags deploy? Seatbelt burns? Injuries? Did she bang her head? Whiplash?

I’m trying to get info to evaluate if you suspect a physical reason for her changed behavior (as in a heavy impact) or a psychological reason for her behavior (as in a near-death experience).

You are not married?

run!!! get her out of your life.

You need to look up on the 180. Chasing a cheating wife or girlfriend never works. It actually makes you look worse and weak to her. It makes her think her boyfriend is strong and brave while you're weak and dont mind sloppy seconds.

The fastest thing to get a wayward back is to go shock and awe. Kick them out, cut communication, stop all financial help. If its a workplace affair, immediately intorm their HR. If married inform their spouse.

Are you on the lease, paying any bills.

Most importantly, simply refuse to talk to her, text only about separating financial issues.

When someone does their worst to show you who they really are believe them.

Might help if you elaborate on the accident.

How hard was the impact? Airbags deploy? Seatbelt burns? Injuries? Did she bang her head? Whiplash?

It was highway speeds. She claimed to be going the speed limit but I'm sure it was at least 70mph. It was a 200lb deer. No airbags deployed due to the way the deer hit. Whiplash, head to steering wheel. She kept saying she wasn't sure if she blacked out but when she came to her senses an ambulance was already there. I guess they had just happened to be on the highway behind her. She didn't know how far behind.

You need to look up on the 180. Chasing a cheating wife or girlfriend never works. It actually makes you look worse and weak to her. It makes her think her boyfriend is strong and brave while you're weak and dont mind sloppy seconds.

The fastest thing to get a wayward back is to go shock and awe. Kick them out, cut communication, stop all financial help. If its a workplace affair, immediately intorm their HR. If married inform their spouse.

Are you on the lease, paying any bills.

Most importantly, simply refuse to talk to her, text only about separating financial issues.

When someone does their worst to show you who they really are believe them.

I don't feel like I'm chasing her, just gave a chance in case it was the accident that caused a brain injury. I moved out to show her I was serious. I put forth the whole medical plan, contingent on no contact with the guy. I put a lot of money into getting the house and improving it but luckily I'm not on the mortgage.

I don't know if this is who she really is.

I am curious why they did a CT and not an MRI

They haven't done any scans as far as I know. She claims to have been scheduled for something yesterday but ghosted me, so I can only assumed that means she never scheduled it or had cancelled it for whatever reason. I did read that the MRI is better for this sort of thing.

Additionally I would encourage you to be very up front with her

That's definitely how I've handled things so far.

Just want to thank everyone for their responses so far. It really does help to talk about it. I've talked to my friends, and even hers. All were in complete shock and disbelief like me. There's something about talking to people you've never met that's reassuring. No sugar coating or over-protectiveness, just honesty. And I appreciate it.

The OM dumped his wife and she got a burner phone after you found out. Sounds like your cheater is stringing your along. I don't know why. It's time that you kick her and her things out of your house. She's already moved on and it has nothing to do with the accident. She's infatuated with the new man. She already told you she has no feelings for you. The new man is why not the accident. Don't waste your time; move on. Sorry that you're in this situation.

I don't feel like I'm chasing her, just gave a chance in case it was the accident that caused a brain injury.

I put forth the whole medical plan, contingent on no contact with the guy.

I don't think you're chasing her, but you are rationalizing why you erased your line in the sand.

It's time to face reality. She's not remorseful. She's not even pretending to be remorseful.

Many a BS has done the same thing you're doing; grasping at straws to find an excuse not to follow sound advice. Whether it's the WS's mental illness, personality disorder, childhood abuse, sexual addiction - or undiagnosed brain trauma; at the end of the day, non-remorse is non-remorse.

We've been engaged for about 4. I'm 32, she's 30.

Fortunately, you aren't married with kids yet.

Whether it's the WS's mental illness, personality disorder, childhood abuse, sexual addiction - or undiagnosed brain trauma; at the end of the day, non-remorse is non-remorse.

badmemory makes a valid point. I understand the medical possibilities, and a little brain scramble might be making her act this way, but with tushnurse implying that's unlikely, and I think I'm not the only one here that thinks she took that suggestion and ran with it, I'm with badmemory.

At the end of the day her behavior is of an unremorseful cheater.

Salv,

Tell her dad why you've moved on. He can do the medical monitoring. Best you start looking at the business aspects (finances/assets) of dissolving the relationship.

I still think the accident could be at play here. Perhaps "life flashing before her eyes". Perhaps the injury. Whiplash plus impact w/the steering wheel suggests a violent collision. The first doc brought up the scan as a possible follow up.

You outlined your conditions. She doubled down by getting a burner.

Her dad is one of the first people I told. I love the guy. She hasn't spoken to him since the incident unfortunately. He's been deeply hurt by this too. He was supposed to move in with us because he has health issues and we were going to look after him. He lives out of state right now and had just sold his prized possession to help kickstart the process. It was some sort of rare car that he'll never be able to replace. Now he doesn't feel comfortable living with her, especially if the other guy is going to be in the picture.

So yeah, he won't be able to look after her medical stuff. Doesn't mean I'm going to at this point. I'm back to being pissed off and done with it all. She can deal with her mom whom she can't stand being around for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Oh, and her mom had cheated on her dad years ago.

Doesn't mean I'm going to at this point

I don't see how you can. You can't make her go to the docs. She's rejected those who should be the most important people in her life. She's given you nothing to work with here.

Salv, sorry to hear your story. You will not progress 1 inch if you do not show some action during the analysis of the situation where you appear to have a tendency to be holding the accident responsible for her cheating. From what you wrote I understand that she is moving on and the OM is still in the picture. Unfortunately you need to get into action if you want to change the course of things and that is by showing her the consequences of her cheating. If you stay relatively passive (because you have scenarios about what led to her cheating and you are trying to figure out which one) I am afraid your relation will sink deeper into an irreversible path. Moreover, you also need to think if you would be content in the future marrying this person as this incident might always haunt you - some people are OK and some are not, keep that in mind, too. Good luck.

I've been trying to move on. I feel like I've been doing well but it seems like every week right before I go back to work there's new information to throw me out of whack again. Last week it was confirmed she had still been seeing him even after agreeing to get help. I mostly figured that was the case so I knew what to look for when talking to her. She's a bad liar once you know her tricks. She'll try to divert or stay silent if the answer to a question is "yes".

I had let the other man's wife know via facebook last Monday as well. I finally got a response today and apparently he screamed in his daughter's face that he wanted to kill me. That it was my fault my fiancee cheated on me. My ex had told him so many lies about me. That she had paid for my college, that I had a condition that didn't allow me to work, among other things. All of it absolute nonsense. She paid zero for my education, it was grants and my own money. I did have to take a break from school after my father's death to collect myself, and after that she desperately wanted a house so I gave up my time to dedicate myself fully to the house hunt. I have a job, which is why she was able to cheat on me at our home when I was working overtime.

It blows my mind that someone would try to justify their infidelity in such a way to their child. Apparently he has a history of anger issues and it's not the first time he's accosted the daughter. I thought about getting a restraining order in case the threats were serious, but I don't want him to react and go after his family in a fit of rage.

I asked my ex if she had told him where I'm living now and she said no. But she's obviously not to be trusted on anything at this point. I'm not worried about myself, I doubt the worm would go after anyone who could actually defend themselves, but there are kids and other people who live here. This guy sounds like a psycho and I'd hate for any damage to happen to anyone or anything here.