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Just Found Out :
Too much pain and sorrow

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Chappie ( member #56407) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

Are you regularly asking your wife if she has found a new job yet?

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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

Indeed, your sole mission should be your happiness.

From my perch, the shoe now seems to be on the other foot: You're now the one who is no longer in love.

Good for you, particularly after a year of absolute torture.

You deserve better.

The darkest hour is just before the light.

Bigger, Sharkman, jduff and others only want the best for you.

We've been there.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 1:33 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

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Jduff ( member #41988) posted at 8:14 PM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

and if you want addition "space ghost" worthy inspiration, look up ohforanewme's story.

The grass is always greener.... where the dogs are shitting.

-Soundgarden

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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

Arbuom

You should be proud of your achievements.

Think of me like that personal trainer that’s trying to get you to do a dozen more push-ups.

About your marriage being salvageable… It’s your call IF that path ever opens for you. I have seen marriages recover from what most would call worse, I have seen marriages crumble from what most would consider less. The key is to keep focused on getting out of infidelity and treading the path that’s open and at a pace you control.

One thing: the concept of emotional affairs is a relatively new one, first acknowledged in 1990 or so. Many so-called counselors don’t even acknowledge EA’s as infidelity per se. Although most of us will insist that after all this time the affair got physical it’s still an assumption based on experience rather than a fact. I will freely admit that I would think it was physical… BUT MAYBE – JUST MAYBE it wasn’t. MAYBE it’s “only” emotional. And MAYBE your wife doesn’t see EA as infidelity. She might acknowledge that there was an inappropriate friendship, but infidelity… no…

There is a book called Not Just Friends by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. Google it and read. It’s available free online.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 1:37 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

Chappie

Are you regularly asking your wife if she has found a new job yet?

I know I should have been. But the show is over now...

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 1:40 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

MidnightRun

From my perch, the shoe now seems to be on the other foot: You're now the one who is no longer in love.

Good for you, particularly after a year of absolute torture.

Absolutely true! I was just thinking about that today. In less than two weeks, I look at WW now, and wonder what I ever saw in her! Crazy!

A heartfelt thank you for your support, you guys have my back!

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 1:48 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

Bigger

Think of me like that personal trainer that’s trying to get you to do a dozen more push-ups.

You are a good man, Bigger. I'm indebted to you for all that you have done for me. I've always known that it came from a good place. Thank you!!

She might acknowledge that there was an inappropriate friendship

Not in a million years!

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

Bigger

I want to quote, what you wrote me, a few pages back again.

Love and emotions have little to do with it IMHO.

Once again; that guy in Utah… Think he didn’t have emotions regarding his arm? Think he wasn’t attached to it (pun intended…)?

Your emotions towards your wife are only valid in one context:

Do you “love” her so much and think being without her will be so hard that remaining in a loveless marriage and sharing her with OM will be easier?

I take it the answer is no. Therefore, you go the only path that’s available to you. Just like the guy that amputated his arm.

I can't begin to describe to you how much therapy this post has given me! It's the realization that you have no choice. There is one way out no matter how you feel. Who needs IC!?

Life changing stuff!

[This message edited by arbuom at 7:47 AM, September 7th (Thursday)]

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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 9:15 AM on Thursday, September 7th, 2017

arbuom, you are doing great!

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

arbuom, how's it going?

I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 9:34 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

Very poorly, but there is no turning back now

I don't want to sound dramatic, but it feels like I'm in a horror movie, and my part is coming up. I feel pretty numb. Especially because everything looks normal. The kids are happy, and STBXW too. It feels surreal. I keep thinking that this will work out. It always does. But not this time.

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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 10:07 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

Look in the mirror.

The man who's staring back should be damn proud of himself.

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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 10:15 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

Have you seen an lawyer yet?

I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

MidnightRun, I wish I could buy you a beer. You've had my back all along.

Speaking of pride, one of my best buddies sent me a text today:

"I admire you. You have the strength to make a change. It took me seven years to make the change with my ex and I disliked her so much. Your life will be so much better one way or another. I promise. And it could only happen if you make a change. So god bless you for having the strength"

I started crying...

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 11:08 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2017

OrdinaryDude, I'm all set. Stay tuned.

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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 2:20 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2017

Your best bud is absolutely right.

Others can see your future clearly.

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 2:54 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2017

Some inspirational reading for this morning

________________________________

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

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 arbuom (original poster member #58131) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2017

I'm going to quote ISurvived7734 from a few pages back:

You are on an emotional roller coaster and nothing is going to feel consistent right now. That's normal and we all know what it's like. Something that can help is to literally write down your key principles with regard to her affair and generally hurtful, disrespectful things she's said and done to you. Go back and read it a couple times a day in order to keep your mind from drifting to some fantasy place where you think "maybe all of this really isn't so bad" - which is an insidious from of denial. At best, her cheating & lying is a horrible blow to your marriage & relationship and reconciliation would be a long, painful process that might fail anyway.

It's unbelievable how spot on the above is these days! My brain is trying really hard to play games on me. Staying the course...

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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 11:54 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2017

Imdeed, what you're feeling is normal.

Resolve to stay the course.

Lash yourself to the mast; quiet seas and blue skies are just ahead.

You're worth it.

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GoingCrazyNow ( member #59520) posted at 11:55 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2017

I'll share a phrase that a good friend of mine texted me the other day and I was a little down-

"You are a good man, walking down the right path- DO NOT let her take your serenity."

This applies to you as well.

Peace brother

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