The path Jduff suggests in his EXCELLENT post above is the path I suggested way back on page 3 of this thread.
I’m not claiming honor or even suggesting it’s a path I thought of or discovered, just like I doubt Jduff will insist it’s something he thought up. It’s a path that’s been carved by hundreds or even thousands of betrayed spouses and a path many of us posting here on SI suggest because we know it works. We know it works because we have seen posters like Jduff follow the advice and walk that path to success, and we have seen others take another course and fail.
The key to the path is – like Jduff, Sharkman, I and others have suggested – is to control what you can control and to keep a determined and steady course towards a known goal.
In my last post, I suggested you need a clearer course. You didn’t agree and claimed you had a clear destination to divorce, no matter what. Then in your next post you wonder why the 180 isn’t working, as in it’s not making her show concern or affection. Friend – IF your course was clear then her actions and reaction don’t matter. The only concern would be possible reactions to your divorce settlement suggestions. Anything else would be a distraction.
And I get that. I truly do. It’s normal to have doubts and to hope for vindication or even some form of revenge. I do understand that divorce is tough. It’s PRECISELY because I know how tough it is that I’m suggesting ways that ALWAYS leave you an option – IF you want it and IF it’s AVAILABLE. The goal is out of infidelity – but the path is called divorce. It’s an easy choice because right now as is your wife isn’t willing to walk with you so the other path of reconciliation isn’t open for you. So, you follow the path you can control and that is divorce.
As I have said: the paths to initial R and to D run parallel for quite some time.
IF you want a total unequivocal nothing-can-change-my-mind divorce then go for it. Don’t need to do the 180 per se because you have fired her from the role of wife. Don’t need to tell her why. Don’t need to justify or explain it to her. Skip all that about sitting down over a cup of coffee and negotiating with your wife and being friends and amicable and all that. Those are EMOTIONS. Emotions were dealt with the DECISSION to divorce. What’s left is pure business. Whether you tell her before you file or not is your choice. You don’t “ask” for a divorce, it’s not a gift she gives you. You simply file for divorce and then let the process take place. She can refuse to sign, doesn’t matter. She can make stupid demands, doesn’t matter. You can’t control that. You can only control what you do.
Don’t let emotions stop you. Like your sons BDay… OK, great. But you should be pulling tax returns, bank statements, estate assessments, credit-card accounts, vehicle valuations, pension assessments… You should be ensuring you know your rights, obligations and are well informed so you ask your attorney the right questions and have the correct info to give him. [I guess 20-30% of attorney fees are for tasks the client could do, like getting the info needed for division of assets]
The key IMHO is to be clear on what the law allows for and right away to offer a fair settlement based on reality. Even then you can tweak numbers or assets to your advantage but IMHO there shouldn’t be much more than a 5-10% difference either way from a fair initial offer to the final settlement. A side-benefit of an initial fair offer is that IF this goes to a judge he will likely side with the person being reasonable, plus a competent attorney would guide his client to accepting a fair offer.
If, however you have made the VERY LOGICAL and SENSIBLE decision that remaining in infidelity won’t work for you and that since she isn’t committed to R then your ONLY option is to divorce BUT you might want to change your mind IF things changed… then use the “I’m getting out of infidelity with you or without you” speech. Other than that, then stay the course as if you are divorcing because NO MATTER WHAT YOU WANT it’s still the ONLY open path for you. It’s the only one you can control.
Sharkman gave you a list of requirements if she offered R. I agree with Jduff that the WS should more-or-less offer these things by default, but realistically you aren’t where you are because the WS was capable of great decisions. IF you both decide to give R a shot then someone has to lead and it’s better it be you. The list is not a permanent list. The goal of R is not to end this affair. The goal of R is to create the best possible marriage. In the best possible marriage, even one without infidelity, blind trust doesn’t exist. Accountable trust does though. But the list does outline some basic requirements that will need to be in place for at least a couple of years.
I do wish those that insist a wayward spouse can never be trusted again, that a marriage can’t be rebuilt and the old once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater choir would keep in mind the couple that founded this site. Or the admins, mods, guides and other posters that have reconciled and have shared on this thread. Maybe many are too close to their d-day, but for those that truly reconcile then R can be a great thing. I find this comparison describes it best:
Imagine living a stressful and unhealthy life. You eat unhealthy, smoke, drink too much, don’t exercise. Then one day you wake up to a searing pain in your left arm leading up to your chest… Two weeks later you are discharged from hospital recovering from a cardiac arrest. Your doctor tells you that you need to make major lifestyle changes to survive. So, you start eating healthy. You exercise. You stop smoking and drink in moderation. You manage your stress. Three years later you feel better and are healthier than you have been for years. At that time, you wouldn’t look back and offer thanks for the cardiac arrest, but you might offer thanks for the changes you made and the work you put in. It’s the same with infidelity and reconciliation. Those that successfully do the work are grateful for the changes, but NEVER for the infidelity.
That unhealthy life and the cardiac arrest – that could be your marriage and the infidelity. Your changes, they could be the work of reconciliation OR it could be the process of D. Bottom line is that at some future date you want to look back and be grateful for the results of whatever course you choose.
