As I read your post, it made me think that rather than stand up and face whatever the current issue may be, your WH automatic reaction is to avoid, escape that which is uncomfortable. I believe many A are just that, escaping reality, living the fantasy.
Fundamentally, I think poor communication and coping skills are at play. Rather than be capable of articulating their emotions, for whatever reasons, i.e. fear they will be rejected, fear they will look weak, fear they will lose the r/s, they fill the void with the A. They shift their internal narratives to support their belief system i.e. my wife doesn't love/want me, my wife treats me poorly, my wife doesn't give me what I need etc. Combine that with poor boundaries, maladaptive coping strategies and a willing participant and we all know the result.
Admittedly, my bias is until these things are "fixed", the risk remains.
its knowing what they are capable of doing, it's what they did in the past.
Absolutely, it is. It will walk beside us forever as part of our story now. It changes us to the core and shifts our perspectives on many things. I try to take the lessons from it, see how I have grown, focus on how it changed our rs positively to reframe it as not as awful as the behaviours were.
I feel that he wasn't punished nor did he have to face any consequences for what he did and what he put me through
I said the very same thing to my WH the other day. I asked him his consequences. The few friends he has told, support him. His family, supports him. His reply was his consequences are not tangible, but he feels the weight of what he did everyday when I don't reply with "I love you", when he can feel the distance between us, when my heart's not it in during a hug, when he can see the disappointment in my eyes. He said "everyday I wake up and wonder if today is the day you find your strength to say, the kids will be fine, I deserve better and walk out the door" He said he has lost my trust, my respect, my innocent love because of his selfishness, horrible judgement and epically bad decision making, which could cause him to lose the people he loves most.
I think post infidelity, the WS doesn't get to choose if s/he goes to counselling, answers all the questions regardless of how many times the same ones are asked. They gave up many of those rights when they chose to cheat. If they want the M to work and want to work on R, then they need to meet the expectations of the BS. I shared my "demands" with my WH, none of which are unreasonable, abusive etc. Uncomfortable for him? Sure. Do I care? No.
Amanda, if you want him to attend counselling with you, my bias is, he does it. Too bad if it's uncomfortable for him, processing the A was fairly "uncomfortable" for you as well I am sure! He lost some of his decision making rights when he chose to cheat on you. He doesn't get to escape that which is uncomfortable anymore, he can meet it right at the door.
Svon, my WH sounds like he has responded much like yours. Answering all my questions, regardless of the number of times I asked them, my expectations were clear and the consequence was "you can't meet these? I guess you don't really want the M. I am done".