I am so happy to have found this forum. My story is probably not dissimilar to many of yours. I would like to relate it, if I could, to see what you all think. My marriage is over, but I’m looking for ways to cope as I cannot function right now.
I have been with my wife for 13 years. Married for 6. Two kids ages 7 and 4. Both in our early 40’s. When we first met, it was bliss. It was like we had known each other for our whole lives. That said, there were red flags from the start. She drank excessively - every day when she got out of work she drank until she went to bed, didn’t matter if she was driving. Over time that lessened as her life stabilized from our relationship. In addition, after our “honeymoon” period wore off, I realized that she was not a very affectionate person in the way I wanted. Nor would she ever confront issues - she just didn’t like to talk about anything uncomfortable. Over the course of our marriage, her drinking has been a constant issue: she drinks every night, not terribly, but enough that I know she is dependent on it. She will not eat at a restaurant if they do not serve wine. My father died of alcoholism and I made it clear to her how much it bothered me. She never admitted she did anything wrong. Anyway, on to the shit hitting the fan:
The story starts at the beginning of this year. She was to be turning 40 in February, and suddeny I began noticing a lot of changes in her behavior. She began posting “pretty” selfies on social media. I didn’t think much of it, but I asked her about it and she said “oh… I just feel very pretty lately”. I told her that indeed, she is pretty. Little did I know that (I believe) it perhaps marked something more sinister. She hired a personal trainer and began lifting weights and lost 20lbs. I was very supportive. But along with this change came other self-destructive changes. She started smoking again and having been quit for years. I was pissed about that, and the tension continued to rise. She started staying out later with her friends, often coming home at 1am on a school night where she had to be up at 7. This was highly unusual. She was sleeping less at night but taking 1-2hr naps during the day while letting our 4yo sit and play video games. More tension: I suggested she stop staying out so late drinking so that she could effectively parent during the day.
But the biggest problem of all, over the last 7 months, has been a growing distance between us. I felt it immediately. It scared me. I KNEW something was wrong. And here’s the kicker. I would sit her down and calmly ask her to tell me if something was wrong between us. That I was worried and could feel it and wanted to know, as a first step, so that we could nip it in the bud now. She would ALWAYS look at me and say “nothing. everything is fine, you should not be worried. I’m just feeling a little depressed”. She was lying, as I look back now, as something was dreadfully wrong.
But then things seemed to get better. We took a trip together in April, without kids, and had a great time. Laughing, talking, having good sex at night. I felt so good after that trip. And things seemed fine for a couple months. But then this summer the distance between us returned. Again, me sitting her down and lovingly asking her to tell me what was wrong. She would always say “Nothing. Nothing is wrong”. And then I would convince myself that I’m overly sensitive, feel ok for a few days, then the pit in my stomach would return. Her drinking escalated, our distance increased. A month ago we went out to dinner for our 6 year anniversary and seemed to have an ok night. I toasted her to 6 years, and she said “Yeah, happy anniversary”, but there was little feeling in her voice. She tells me now that she knew at that point it was over. And yet she had sex with me that night for some reason. The sex gave me false hope that everything was ok
And then it came. Last Friday night (Sep 1st), we stood in the kitchen… at this point I was convinced that something was coming. My uneasiness was almost at a breaking point. I begged her to tell me what was wrong, I told her I could help with anything she was struggling with. After 10 minutes of her staring into space, the floodgates opened. She told me that our relationship has been over for a while for her, that she doesn’t feel the same, incompatible, and even said she sorta always felt this way!!! For years! Even back to the beginning!!!! I was stunned, I started pacing. Then the dagger came. She told me she met someone a month ago, and cheated on me, and that it’s not a fling and that she has feelings for him. What followed was 3-4 days of a blur, not sleeping, screaming crying, kids confused. Me begging her to stay, me threatening to kick her out, all over the place. Telling her she was the most horrible person in the world, then telling her how much I love her. Oh man. Throughout the last few days, she has shown very little emotion. Very little remorse. And she has few words. All she wants to talk about is arrangements for the divorce. I am there too… but I spend many hours trapping her into a conversation where I cry and yell that she has ruined me, and I didn’t deserve it. I made mistakes in the marriage. But at least I TRIED. Issues that we had were communicated, but BY ME ONLY.
The FACT is that she never ONCE *tried*. Not once. She never talked to me, never communicated, despite me for months trying to talk to her. She didn’t hold up her end of the bargain in marriage: that when the going gets tough, you at least communicate. That’s the very least. She didn’t do it, she gave our relationship NOT ONE OUNCE of effort. That is what is so infuriating. She betrayed me by not communicating, and then committed the ultimate betrayal.
I know this marriage is over. She shows 0% interest in working it out. She says she never said a word to me in 8 months because she didn’t think it would help. She lied to my face and told me nothing was wrong. I know it’s over. For years and years I go to work, and come home to my wonderful family. I look forward to coming home to them every day. And then thought of coming home to an empty house (on my non-custody days) is overwhelmingly sad. The thought of being with another woman is so foreign to me, so confusing. I haven’t been in that space for 13 years.
Since my marriage is over (despite my moments of weakness of begging), I suppose I am posting here as an attempt to achieve some level of comfort, knowing that I am not alone, and that one day maybe I will feel better. The pain is horrific: worse than when my dad died, worse then any other breakup, anything.
