SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 54 and my WW is 55. We met in college when I was only 17. Other than a couple of months apart that first summer we have been together ever since. She came from a horrible childhood with alcoholic parents and was not only neglected but was verbally and emotionally abused. I came from a large family (9 kids) and we were mostly like the Waltons. My wife has had issues with alcohol over the years and has been medically diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. We also lost our 2 year old son in 1989 and she/we have continued to struggle with that loss. 7 years ago I caught her "sexting" with a guy that we both knew and I knew she had been "confiding" in due to similar childhoods. She was drunk at the time and swore it was just bad judgement. We split up briefly and I spoke to the "friend" on the phone and tried to explain how emotionally fragile my wife was and told him if he really cared he would leave her alone. They both promised that it was never physical and they would end it. Fast forward to July of this year we had here father and stepmother visiting for the week and she (my wife) had been texting and i was suspicious. The next morning when she was in the shower I looked at her phone and found more sexting and what I believed was evidence that they had had a physical relationship in the past. I confronted her about it and she initially denied it until she saw that I had the text messages to prove it.

I had always been very clear that infidelity was my line in the sand. She knew that I felt that is was the most disgusting and cruel thing that you could do to your spouse and she did it anyway. I don't know, maybe it was because it was so long ago and maybe because I knew at the time that I was going through some really difficult things with my dishonest partner (now ex-partner) at my business and was likely not a great spouse at the time, but I have agreed to stay and work on things. I just look at our son and our new grand baby and all I can think about is how awful it would be for them if we just threw it all away, along with 37 years of being together and 34 years of marriage. At any rate we are only about 50 days post D-day and I am very lost but we are still together. I have been reading posts on here but this is my first and I appreciate the stories and suggestions.

Sorry you are here. Can you tell a little more about what your wife has done to show you that she is a safe partner? Has she gone NC with the AP? Has she admitted everything, not just what you can prove? Is she remorseful? Do you have full access to all of her communication and location at all times?

The next morning when she was in the shower I looked at her phone and found more sexting and what I believed was evidence that they had had a physical relationship in the past.

This part bothers me. Is this the same person that she was sexting with 7 years ago? Do you know if it ever really ended then or just went underground? A 7 year sexting affair if they have physical proximity to each other and opportunity will have most assuredly turned physical. Do you feel like you have all of the truth? I think your chances for R are good if you have all of the truth and a remorseful spouse but I'm betting you are here after 50 days because you aren't feeling comfortable with something.

I am very sorry you are here. Like you, I always thought that infidelity would instantly mean divore...until it happened to me.

I chose to stay because of the great life we had built and all of the great memories. I also realized the part I played in the bad times in the marriage. After saying that, I feel no responsibility for her infidelity. The affair is 100% on her, but she is doing the work and showing remorse.

I hope your WW realizes the damage she has done to you and your marriage and sees your willingness to stay as a gift.

This place is full of great people and their stories and advice has helped me immensely. I wish you all the best as you work through this.

Roadking,

Sorry that you had to find us but if there is any one place to be while going through the tsunami of infidelity, it is SI.

Of course you are hurt (as you should be), or course you are scared, disgusted, hopeful, anguished, heartbroken, terrified and lost. All very normal.

When you found the text in July she was still in the affair, emotional or physical it most likely never ceased.

The best path forward is to know that you don't have to decide to stay or go. Just try and get through today.

Define your boundaries (what you will and will not tolerate), set the consequences if she can't or won't adhere to them, and watch your wife's actions. Her words mean nothing at this point. NOTHING.

Demand NC, contact the OM's wife if he is married and get into IC for yourself.

You sound very empathetic to your WW's issues (and that is very noble) but please remember you can't fix her. Her childhood nor her alcohol problems justify her cheating. She needs to figure out why she chose to lie and cheat and what she intends to do to address her issues for you, your marriage and herself.

Keep posting. There are very kind, wonderful and wounded souls here that only want the best for you.

One day at a time. Keep moving.

I just look at our son and our new grand baby and all I can think about is how awful it would be for them if we just threw it all away, along with 37 years of being together and 34 years of marriage.

Your WW doesn't seem to be too worried about that. And if it comes to that, she was the one that threw it all away.

It would be worthwhile to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. Cheaters tend to talk in the car because they think it's "safe". Also, if she has a smart phone, you can probably turn on location tracking and see where she's been, and when.

If the OM is the same one as 7 years ago, it probably didn't end 7 years ago. If it is someone different, you have a serial cheater. Those are very hard to fix. The alcohol abuse needs to get fixed as well if she does it often.

I am so sorry

We split up briefly and I spoke to the "friend" on the phone and tried to explain how emotionally fragile my wife was and told him if he really cared he would leave her alone. They both promised that it was never physical and they would end it.

00Roadking

You loved your wife so much that you put her welfare first. How were you repaid? Your wife and the other man (OM) obviously have no respect for you. Otherwise they would have stopped.

The odds are good that your wife has had a 7 year EA/PA that never stopped. There are even better odds of them getting together while you were separated. Why wouldn’t they, you were separated after all.

What would hurt me most is that that you gave her another chance and she crapped on it for 7 years. She had no consequences. Now she needs some. If you forgive her again with no consequences how much respect will she have for you then?

Just like with bacteria and government, sunlight is the best disinfectant. Expose to everyone. You did nothing wrong so don’t be ashamed of telling the truth. A dose of truth might end her fantasy land. Hopefully she will stop taking what she has with you for granted.

Exposure is the best way to end an affair. Is the OM married?

You say that the text implied that they had sex in the past. Was that 7 years ago or last week?

It would be worthwhile to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car.

ICaughtThem

Do this before you expose. Exposure will get her talking to friends and the OM.

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:07 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

"37 years of being together and 34 years of marriage."

Don't hold on to a mistake just because you've spent so long making it.

Sometimes it takes a willingness to lose what you have in order to gain what you want.

This has nothing to do with childhood issues or alcoholism, it has everything to do with selfishness and ungratefulness.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 5:11 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

It sounds like you have decided to rugsweep her cheating and try to move ahead hoping time will heal your wounds. It won't work - it never does.

You seem to be committed to making things work to keep peace in the family. The best way for you to work through all of this and maybe even heal from this betrayal is IC. Find a counselor as soon as possible and get to work.

I spent way too much time thinking about what was best for our family and not enough on how I was feeling. It took five years to wake up to the fact it was a deal breaker for me.

You need to figure out your feeling for her and what you want. I think you also have to really press her to find out exactly what you are dealing with. I would go full throttle with that before you make any decisions either way.

The fact you had business issues is not relevant. I real partner would have understood what you were doing was for the family and not a cause to have an affair

Roadking, like you infidelity was my line in the sand, until it actually happened. We've had some issues in our marriage (multiple layoffs for WH, stress for me, some surgery for me & no sex between us for 2+ years). I can relate to new paradigm. But we are communicating (better than we ever have) & trying R. I have my 1st IC on Mon, Took advice from SI & taking care of myself, hope you do the same.

When was your wife diagnosed with BPD? Has she had any treatment?

Thank you all for your responses.

For the record, I do believe that this affair, at least the physical part. was brief and that it ended 6 years ago. I won't get into the details of that but it is what I believe. She has NC and I have installed MMGuardian on her phone. I see every text, phone call internet activity and can monitor the phones location at any time. We are very early in this and will seek counseling IC and MC. I am very aware that I may be blinding myself to some things like believing that it only lasteda brief time and that she is remorseful and telling the truth but we'll see i guess. She has shown remorse and gave me no slack about monitoring her phone and activities.

Lastly, I am also aware that this affair is 100% on her and whatever I did in no way justifies her actions. As far as her illnesses are concerned I an also aware that this in no way justifies it either and she has said do herself.

Taking it one day at a time.

The next morning when she was in the shower I looked at her phone and found more sexting and what I believed was evidence that they had had a physical relationship in the past.

For the record, I do believe that this affair, at least the physical part. was brief and that it ended 6 years ago.

00Roadking

Let’s review. Seven years ago you caught them sexting and they promised to stop. You trusted them and didn’t check again until July. The first time you checked in years you caught them reminiscing about the sex they had six years ago.

What are the odds of catching them the first time you checked in years? They are very unlucky. If you are ashamed and guilty about something you don’t want to think about it. You certainly don’t reminisce about it with your coconspirator that also feels guilty.

rem•i•nisce

She has NC and I have installed MMGuardian on her phone. I see every text, phone call internet activity and can monitor the phones location at any time. We are very early in this and will seek counseling IC and MC.

00Roadking

This is a positive sign in that she readily agreed to it. However it’s only symbolic. They can always find a way. Why would she ever use that phone to contact the OM? She would get a burner phone. She could put the phone in a safe place and go see the OM.

Did you put a VAR under her car seat? If they aren’t communicating now then they will be in a month or two when the dust settles.

She had a second marriage (even if only an EA) for seven years. You don’t give that up cold turkey. Play nice and get the VAR.

Is the OM married? Tell his wife.

^^^^ This!

They have kept in contact throughout all of these years. That minimally, is an EA.

Eyes wide open. One day at a time. And be kind to you. You don't have to take the responsibility to fix all that she has broken.

Be hopeful. Be aware.

Can monitor the phones location at any time.

00Roadking

I did a search and found the following:

How do you forward calls from one phone to another?

She can have the phone you know about forward calls to a burner phone. Her official phone can be in one place and she can be at another with the OM. If you call her she can talk to you with the OM sitting next to her at a location you know nothing about.

You caught them once and nothing changed except getting a promise for them to stop.

You catch them again and nothing changed except you made one phone in the world useless for contacting the OM.

Why in the world would your wife stop?

Is the OM married? If you tell the other mans wife (OMW) then she can help you keep track of them and compare notes. Are you and the OM in the same social circles? Is that why you don't tell his wife?

Again put a VAR in her car or where she uses her phone. Then tell the OMW. Don't tell your wife that you're going to do it. If you do your wife will warn the OM. He will tell his wife that you're crazy and/or intercept your message. Offer to show your evidence to the OMW and tell her to feel free to call you.

Then listed to the VAR.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:36 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

She has NC and I have installed MMGuardian on her phone.

Since you have total access to her phone do a search for: "text recovery software".

Can I recover deleted text messages?

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:33 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Again, I do appreciate the ALL of the responses and comments and I am acutely aware that I am "burying my head in the sand" somewhat however, I should clarify a couple things and answer some of your questions. 1) i know the OM however we do not operate in the same social circles. Therefore I do know some things about his life, his work and his activities. After I caught her sexting 6 years ago I did monitor her phone and text messages for some time. I also know that he worked out of state for a period and was not around. 2) he is not married or I would tell the OW, although I do know that he has had a live in GF for a couple years or so. 3) I am not and would not allow my wife's illnesses to serve as an excuse for her infidelity and she knows that. She knows what she did was wrong and I believe her to be remorseful although I have some real concerns about her not having any real consequences for her actions. 4) we are very early in this whole mess and I am taking it one step at a time, I need time to breathe and to consider all of my options. Will it work out? Who knows? Is there more for me to know? Probably? Am I in a place where I am ready to hear more? Probably not. This is such an emotionally draining and sad thing that I am not sure what I feel and I need time to work it out. I know I need to get IC but it is tough because I live in a rural area and I am fairly well known from having been in business here for 26 years.

Again I sincerely appreciate having SI and all of your concerns, ideas and questions. We have a long way to go and only God himself can see where we will end up.

Your uncertainty and desire for R is understandable. Truly.

Perhaps seek IC in another town?

God is with you, you are being logical but hopeful.

We are rooting for you.

(((hugs and prayers)))