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TW- slow down. You are trying to do too much at once. You can't work on multiple things currently and be effective at it. One thing at tone time. Go to IC or Alanon or read a book. Don't do all three at once if it overwhelms you.

If you need some time to recharge, take that time. Do you get out of the house while your W stay with DD ? Does your W ever take her turn staying home ?

I really think right now you'd do the most right by yourself if you practiced a little self care and take a break from the dynamics in the household or trying too hard to R. As much as you want it you can't force to magically come into being. It takes time. Lots of it. You need "vacations" from this crap. If not it will eat you alive.

Get away for your own mental health. You are grasping too tight. It is ok to loosen that grip a little. You'd said your W is a good mom. Let her do that more often so she can just be a mom for a little while. It will help her remember what is at stake.

She did it with good intentions. But bad delivery

Answers:

I have moved over 10 times. When I work with a realtor it's during the day. Does she only do her business at night?. Do you mind explaining the child rearing dynamic. I cared for the children myself when they were infants A little help from husband.

She does a mix of business during the day and at night. Depends on the schedules of her clients. I do some watching of DD in the evenings when she is working. I wake up at 4 AM for work, so actually sleep in our guest room 4 nights a week which leaves infant-rearing duties to WW, then I share heavily in them the other 3 days. We have no daycare currently, though grandma watches DD one or two days a week when WW simply can't bring DD to work with her (right now, DD is nearly a mascot at her real estate office. Everyone loves her). Once or twice a week, WW does watch DD all evening and let me go do whatever I want--generally hit the gym, go for a long drive, or even just sleep. So she is trying to give me time.

I would agree I am a fixer more than an enabler, though I have enabled her in the past and am trying to break that habit. I AM spending a lot of time trying to fix myself now--healing and becoming a better father and a better person. That's my main goal. The M is secondary, though it'd be nice for DD if it worked out and I sure as hell am not walking out right now because infant custody almost always vastly favors the mother.

I for one think this sex addiction, love addiction diagnosis that seems to be used more & more by the IC's when dealing with infidelity is just a way of somewhat justifying & alleviating some of a serial cheaters choices.

My opinion your WW likes to bang other men period. She is not loyal. She has no integrity. She has low morals. She should not be a wife.

She is not loyal, has no integrity, low morals, and should not be a wife. I agree with all of that. However, I do have to say that I believe she is a sex/love addict. I know ICs have been using that term more and it's a handy excuse, but... WW really got very little from any of her 3 affairs. I won't give TMI, but the most recent affair was 100% about making OM happy. She got nothing out of it. Nothing. Except ego kibbles. Even her IC was flabbergasted at first because she couldn't believe how little she got out of the A, and how utterly irresistible attention is to her.

She was the frontwoman of successful bands for almost a decade. She lived and died with attention. Her entire sense of self was wrapped in what others thought of her. She is only now seeing just how destructive that is... and has since quit every band she was in. So I know she is committed to bettering herself.

I do need to practice more self care, though. For months I've been grinding away at work, this, parenting. It's brutal.

Get away for your own mental health. You are grasping too tight. It is ok to loosen that grip a little. You'd said your W is a good mom. Let her do that more often so she can just be a mom for a little while. It will help her remember what is at stake.

About 6 months ago I went away to the ocean for a weekend and left DD with WW. It was amazing. I want to do that again, but feel guilty leaving DD with her again for a whole weekend. Of course, WW is saying she needs a break too, so I'd feel even more guilty. But I need that.

WW is saying she needs a break too

Really trying not to be snarky here. . .

When she does get time away does she use it to recharge ? Seems like any time away for her would be trigger for you. Hence the original issue in your first post.

I am worried you are giving her too much of a pass sometimes. Further she lacks the humility and empathy you desperately need. What is she doing to help you through this time ?

Does she think crossing that boundary was " Not a big deal" ?

What consequences were there ? Look man she is doing some form or gas lighting or blame shifting here. That doesn't lend itself to being accountable and respecting your boundaries.