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Twicewounded

Have you suggested that she speak to her sponsor and her SLAA group about the conversation she had as well as choosing to attend the event?

A truly healthy sponsor and group will point out the lack of boundaries and the choice to place herself in an unhealthy atmosphere where drinking and the opposite sex were in a work/social gathering.

Deep breath. Ok. So I'm getting some good 2 x 4s here.

Rambler's translations sound right, but... I just can't quite think she's that malicious right now. I just can't. She's working too hard. I think it's somewhere halfway between Rambler and Bigger's explanations. Part of WW's issues is that she sends signals to EVERYONE that she's interested. She doesn't even realize it anymore, it's habit or second nature. She is meeting with her sponsor weekly and going to SLAA and talking to an IC trying to break that and realize how her words and actions come off to people. I still believe she is often genuinely clueless--I mean, I WATCH her interact with people and have seen her accidentally draw people in a million times. She doesn't realize she is charismatic, she doesn't realize that asking questions shows interest and will draw people in when she has NO interest in chatting.

This event was a "wine walk" put on by her work. So it was drinking-centric. That is part of the problem. I do believe they were able to have this conversation while walking around town and doing their job, because there would have been plenty of places that were public-but-nobody-around-to-listen type situations.

And yes, I realize she's not a safe partner and this was TOTALLY unacceptable. I never said this was ok to her. I said the opposite. I did use the "I'm not trying to punish you but we need to talk about this" line, and we talked last night. She understood completely why it was so unacceptable, agreed that she should NEVER tell anyone about our issues without discussing it with me first, and sees now why she just printed a roadmap for this guy to get with her.

Unfortunately, going NC is really not an option unless she quits her job. And that seems like overkill for this situation. She sent him a cease-and-desist text saying she should not have revealed personal details about her relationship to him, that him hitting on her makes her uncomfortable and needs to stop, and they can have nothing but a professional relationship. He called her and apologized, and I heard the conversation and am satisfied.

After, I told her that of COURSE he'd be apologetic--that's still following the roadmap to her getting in her pants--and that she should be exceedingly careful with him regardless. And she WILLINGLY told me about this situation when I had no conceivable way of finding out on my own, so I see it as an attempt to be honest with me since I've hammered repeatedly that I will not ever live a lie again. I had listed out 6 clear lines in the sand that I'll leave if she crosses. We talked about it and agree.

So... yeah, everybody's right, she's not safe. She's still in her infancy of learning to deal with her SA. This was a much bigger mistake than it appears to be on the surface. But it's not enough for me to end our attempt at R yet. I'm considering bringing up the idea of a postnup, I haven't decided yet.

Why is being charismatic part of the problem?

The problem is she doesn't have the "hell no" stamped on her forehead.

My mother is gorgeous. Stunning, she walks into a room and people part so she has a clear path. I am not kidding. Everyone loves her.

She and my father are so in love. She has such loyalty. She never crosses the line.

One a man in the neighborhood offered to fix her direct TV. She said no thank you, I know you do not help your wife. I certainly do not need you in my house.

So see boundaries. And people flock to her.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:36 AM, October 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Not answering texts that would take literally 2 minutes from work to answer sends the message to you that Work > Your Marriage.

Discussing sex, your relationship, your struggles, her addiction is completely ghastly considering her history.

I don't think she is malicious, I think she is self interested and careless and does not actively put you or the marriage as a priority.

She doesn't need to quit her job, she does need to notify HR if he steps out of line even a toe in the future.

.

She doesn't realize she is charismatic, she doesn't realize that asking questions shows interest and will draw people in when she has NO interest in chatting.

Lol dude, the guy literally said he wanted to sleep with her, what didn't she realise about that?

And her phone was in her bag blowing up, so the conversation and the wine were more important than putting your mind at ease...adding to that she comes home complaining you're being controlling!!

And you're calling this "a mistake" It's on you man, you're a grown man and it's your life. Good luck.

OH HELL NO.

There is a term called T.M.I

Your wife just gave him too much information.

She could have just said "Back off jerk face, I am married"

That would have closed her boundaries down fast. No, she decided to give this guy an answer that he didn't need to have, or should have had.

Lol dude, the guy literally said he wanted to sleep with her, what didn't she realise about that?

Oh I get that. What I'm saying is I've seen her chat with people and she gives me a "get me out of this conversation" look while also saying "oh that sounds like a hard job, what's it like?" or whatever. It's bizarre but a symptom of how much she tries not to make other people "feel bad" and feels guilty for hurting anyone's feelings (except mine). And yes, I know it's my life, and I'm not stoked that it's here, but I've got a 10 year marriage and a 6 month old daughter I'm trying to work with here, thanks.

Broken--I did indeed suggest she talk to her sponsor. She hasn't yet. She went to SLAA yesterday but there were only 2 members there... it's an all female group and is fairly small, so sometimes not enough show up for a healthy discussion, sadly.

IWMG--being charismatic is only a problem when her boundaries are terrible. Your mother has boundaries. WW does not. Yet. She's better now than a few years ago, believe it or not.

This whole thing centers around boundaries. I mean, really, that's the bottom line. TMI, poor boundaries. Yeah.

Speaking of TMI, WW just informed me she thinks she has a yeast infection. Of course I wonder if it's something else. She was tested for STDs, as was I, but that was a while ago and now I'm concerned. I said she needs to go to the Dr. to make SURE it's nothing worse.

Yup, this is my life. The saga of TwiceWounded.

One a man in the neighborhood offered to fix her direct TV. She said no thank you, I know you do not help your wife. I certainly do not need you in my house.

Wow, IWMG. That is incredible. I've heard of women who rise above the "normal" female responses to unsolicited offers from males, but seeing this just perked me up inside. Seriously. I think why it struck me is because THIS is what I now expect of my fWH, who is so easily flattered by female attention. Or was when he allowed it to take him down the path he took. And while I think of myself as one who has boundaries, I am not anywhere close to your mother. Wow. Just wow. You've learned from one of the best

You mentioned in your first post that you two have an agreement that neither will discuss your problems with anyone, unless you both agree to it. So, she broke the agreement. But, now, she really, really promises not to this time?

If she had time to talk about this with hm, she had time to text you. She chose not to.

And she came home attacking you for being controlling.

There are so many red flags here.

Sometimes, it's the BS who is in a fog.

Speaking of TMI, WW just informed me she thinks she has a yeast infection. Of course I wonder if it's something else. She was tested for STDs, as was I, but that was a while ago and now I'm concerned. I said she needs to go to the Dr. to make SURE it's nothing worse.

No unprotected sex with her until she gets a proper diagnosis, and that does include an STI test. Just what you need on top of everything else going on, TW. I'm sorry you are getting piled on lately.

I'm going to mention something that stands out to me.

The whole controlling statement. It may or may not mean anything, but that's a real red flag.

As, others have asked, why is she at an event like this anyway without you?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:54 PM, October 4th (Wednesday)]

Thanks Psych. Yeah, no sex.

I'm going to mention something that stands out to me.

The whole controlling statement. It may or may not mean anything, but that's a real red flag.

As, others have asked, why is she at an event like this anyway without you?

That is the biggest thing that still bothers me that remains unaddressed about this. She was defensive and accusatory when I had a LEGIT reason to be concerned. That really upsets me. I've been hashing this out with her for 2 days now so am not eager for more conversations, but it still bothers me and we'll need to talk about it. That wasn't ok.

As far as the event goes, this was a work event. She was required to go. I assumed she was working the whole time (she was...sort of.) Even the conversation she had was with a partner that she was assigned for the duration of the event to work a registration booth with.

I was watching DD at home. Having a 6 month old means I do not always get to attend things like this. And vice versa.

We did touch on the alcohol point, and she said it was a wine tasting so it was difficult to tell how much she'd had, and I get that, but I was very clear that she should not be drinking without me nearby anymore and she agrees. It's a risk factor.

She is a realtor, so essentially each person in the office is their own business. There is no HR. She does have several "bosses" who are in charge of the office that she can go to if things get out of hand. I am satisfied with the messages and phone conversations they had and the boundaries she put up for now.

But I still have a lot to think about and talk about. We'll see how tonight goes.

Hey just as a by-the-way, its not the saga of twice wounded... its the chronicles.

She doesn't realize she is charismatic, she doesn't realize that asking questions shows interest and will draw people in when she has NO interest in chatting.

I don't believe this at all. She absolutely knows what she's doing. If she had no interest, she wouldn't ask questions. I also don't believe your wife's account of what happened at the event. I'm not saying she did anything with the guy, I have no idea. But I don't believe for a second that she shut him down or was even trying to. I would NEVER tell a man that I cheated on my husband out of respect for him. If he wants to share that detail, he's free to, but I would never share that with some acquaintance. My rule is to only say positive things about him. I may share about our struggles with a couple close girlfriends, but generally, I only talk about the good and there's plenty of good to tell! Yes we've been through some horrible times and he's not perfect but there are plenty of things that I'm thankful for every day.

It just doesn't seem from what You've written that she's remorseful at all. If she was at an event where you felt uncomfortable, why would she drink? It is pretty easy to shut someone down firmly. Telling them you're a sex addict isn't the way. She definitely doesn't need to give this guy an explanation about why he has no chance. How about, hey scumbag, I'm married, love my husband and find men who hit on married women disgusting losers. Bet that would've shut him down pretty quickly, no more explanation needed. She wanted to talk to him and share with him plain and simple because she enjoyed the attention.

Sounds like she has poor boundaries, isn't being completely honest about her behavior, and still has a very selfish mindset. It doesn't seem like she's a good candidate for reconciliation at this point.

I have to go with VR on this. If my wife told someone at a wine party, which is basically what this was even if it was work, that she cuckolded me, probably a few times, and by the way he is home babysitting, this would not sit well.

I know you aren't angry, but I am for you.

One thing is clear, you need a support group for addicts like Al anon.

Dealing with addiction is a little different and most addicts are good at manipulation. You think you are helping but are enabling which is the worst thing you can do.

Let's say she was in AA. She goes to a bar and as one drink, is it ok?

This is more about being in situations. Your wife should not allow herself to be assigned a male partner. In no way she should she be assigned someone who hit on her.

I hate to tell you but her addiction did kick in. She opened up to him, she ignored your texts, as was angry at you and she waited a day to tell you. She had one drink.

She as an addict may now think she can control this and have one drink. Later it will be two or the next step.

Twice, you have every right to be upset. She crossed a boundary that you guys have already agreed on. What’s the point of setting boundaries if she’s just going to piss all over it? And then she accuses you of being controlling on top of that. You were triggering , she should have realized that and did whatever she could to make you feel safe. Instead she used that time to cross the line.

Ramblers translation is spot on. It’s like she was dipping her toe in the water. She did not shut him down, but instead left the door open. Has she read the book Not Just Friends by Sriley Glass ? There are some great info about boundaries.

After sleeping on my last response, I want to apologize. It was unnecessarily too harsh. I was projecting my anger onto your situation. I still think she was way out of bounds, but only you know what is truly going on.

After sleeping on my last response, I want to apologize. It was unnecessarily too harsh. I was projecting my anger onto your situation. I still think she was way out of bounds, but only you know what is truly going on.

WWTL, no apology necessary. I am angry for me also. And I'm angry because I keep bringing this up with her and getting nowhere, and it makes me feel like I'm just blowing it way out of proportion. It was a relatively minor lapse into SA behavior, but she's handling it HORRIBLY no matter how many times we try to talk about it. This might have to be an MC conversation. Yesterday when describing how I was controlling she said that "I didn't know she had done anything wrong yet" on Saturday so she had every right to be upset at my "controlling" behavior at the time. Absurd.

@Rambler--I've been going to S-Anon. I have a meeting tonight, and will share about this. I don't think I'm handling any of this the right way but I'm getting a little mixed up inside and need to get my head straight. This shit is hard.

Yes, she did let her addiction kick in, as you said. It was the equivalent of "one drink." She hasn't had any "drinks" in the 9 months since this all came out. I'm not ready to give up after just this one slip up, but lord is she dealing with this badly.

We are 9 months in. She's shown plenty of remorse along the way, but the last few weeks I get the impression she's just "tired" of being remorseful and wants to go back to the way our lives used to be. None of it sits right with me, but I don't want to throw in the towel from this stupid minor slip up.

She has IC in a few hours. I hope she is honest with her about the situation and IC takes her to task. But I can't control that. Then I have S-Anon tonight and IC tomorrow.

I'm exhausted.

She has IC in a few hours. I hope she is honest with her about the situation and IC takes her to task. But I can't control that. Then I have S-Anon tonight and IC tomorrow.

What about MC? A good MC will hold her accountable for that extremely dangerous behavior with wine and boundaries.

But at some point, despite all of your best efforts, she is going to have to LEAD on her own recovery. A key reason to stay is to know you will not have to play detective with your wife the rest of your days.

All of that said, one important difference that she should get credit for is she told you about her behavior right away. But it has to include understanding how to NOT do that (overshare with men, bad boundary, etc.) next time.

I'm exhausted.

No doubt. Rug rats are exhausting enough and then to deal with all the extra Hell has to be brutal.

Overall to me, it sounds like you are at least getting your footing back. You know what you're going to need, what you want and what you expect from your spouse in order to save this thing or move on.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:20 AM, October 5th (Thursday)]