SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am having a hard time with this question. My thoughts are if you love someone you will keep your vows and not cheat. I posed this question to WS multiple times and I got.

1. I always loved you never stopped

2. I was just so unhappy I went outside did our marriage to find happiness

3. I was never going to leave you and never would even if I hated you

Also when I first confronted him the only thing he said over and over again was "I love you, I love you,I love you" not I'm sorry. But over an Dover I love you so much so I screamed stop saying that! To him.

So I don't get it. Why was that his first response? How is it he loved me and was able to cheat 2 months after me getting pregnant throughout both pregnancies (kids are 12 months apart) And tell the AP i love you multiple times a day and how much she means to him. Though they did argue about trust and in one ama she states she neede him to prove his love and that's why he constantly asks her....

Do ws love their spouses when they cheat?

Good question, no answer from me. I can't get past it either. If you really love me, you'd never have cheated. You just don't do that. I still can't say I love you now for over two years. I still don't believe my wh truly loves me. We have a nice functional life without much of a love life. I'm satisfied with that now for reasons but don't know if I'll always be ok with that.

My WH claims he loves me. Has always loved me. I don't believe him. I don't think I ever will. How can you deliberately destroy the person you claim to love. Cheating is not a mistake or an accident.

I struggle with this,as well. My WH says he always loved me upon reflection but I dint think he thought so in the affair. He thought he didn't love me for 4 years, that I was emotionally abusive, etc. When he realized that he was making it all up in his head to justify his cheating, all of a sudden he loved me again. His love seems like it can be switched on and off at his convenience depending on what he is trying to justify at the moment.

I believe he didn't and doesn't really love me. Love is an action. His actions were disgusting, selfish and unloving.

I don't believe it's really possible to "love" someone while actively betraying them and destroying their world.

Not according to my definition of love. Love to me means protecting that person, not destroying.

Way wards are selfish though, so to them, it may seem like love. I don't believe my husband is capable of true love. It's too much about him. True love is putting the other person first. He can't do it.

I don't think they do. I believe that once the resentment builds up enough to allow themselves to get that place where cheating is ok, the love is not there. Once Dday hits, and the WS realizes the ramifications of their actions and what they are losing, then they fall in love again, but I believe the love was gone during the affair. That's why the attitude towards the BS changes, the sex sometimes changes, etc.

I don't believe my WH was capable of truly loving any spouse before dday. He was too selfish of a person. I was too blind and codependent to realize it. He was a great dad and a garbage husband, but I was so desperate for our kids to have a great dad (yay, FOO issues) that I settled and was happy with that. He's different now, puts me first, etc. It's terrible the pain that I've had to endure so that he could grow up.

Exactly this ^^^^^^^^

I don't know. I think cheaters do not have a concept of what love really is.

For them is a feeling. For me it's an action.

We were one of the only couples NOT to read love Dare. A friend recommended as she felt my spouse didn't know what love was.

She was right. Love for him was the way he felt. Never about doing or treating me a certain way.

It was a very eye opening book for him.

Infidelity is a purely selfish act. That being said, I do believe WS can love their spouse/ SO but they love themselves more and want their escape/pleasure. WS are so infatuated/enamored with AP and all the attention/ego stroking that BS are not even on the radar. It's amazing to watch though when reality intervenes and the fog lifts.

Loving includes degrees of selflessness and respect, amongst other things. I don't believe cheaters know how to truly love, including their own children in many cases.

I couldn't get past this for a very long time. I think I see my answer now. I think could be so many reasons. You see, I defined love a certain way and I thought that anybody who acted differently didn't love. Not so:

- people experience love differently. Love has many flavors. Some flavors of love are all-consuming. Others allow room for selfish actions. And all flavors of love are real. Some people's greatest love still allows room for selfish acts. It doesn't make their love any less real - it is still a real and true emotion for them. But the greatest love of their lives could still leave room for themselves. I have come to believe this is a good thing. Love should not consume a person. I think that is unhealthy.

- some people live in the moment, never really thinking ahead to the consequences of what they do or the pain they may cause others.

- some people live totally inside themselves. A very self-centric view of the world. It never occurs to them to consider other people when they act.

- some people take the easy way. It is so much easier to find the ego kibble in a new relationship instead of working on the one you have.

- some people don't have the experience in relationships that teaches them how to make one strong and good. They simply don't know the skill set or don't have it. Previous relationships teach them how to express love, what they should and should not do, etc. The relationships they saw growing up did he same. It is hard for people to step back and say "oh, this is someone different so I have to figure this one out." Instead they do what worked before.

-As we have seen here on SI, good relationships are hard work. They could still love you, but something in them can't do the hard work. Maybe they had expectations that real love is easy. That relationships shouldn't be hard. Maybe they never saw a couple working on their relationship so they didn't know how or even know it was possible. But the love was real so they try to be happy while staying in the relationship.

I guess I'm saying that I had to stop judging my wayward's actions by MY world view. I couldn't assume that his experience of love (if you love me, then x, y and z) was the same as mine. I couldn't impose my beliefs and values on him.

I'm not saying what he did was OK. It is not. But I can accept that he thinks differently and views the world differently, and come's from a different FOO background and different dating experiences that drive how he acted and what he did. I know that I am and was the love of his life. His problem was translating that love into constructive actions, not in the feeling itself.

NandD There's all types of cheating and all types of cheaters; there's all types of psychological issues involved. Your question is about ALL cheating spouses. Some do not think they love their spouses--those using prostitutes or engaging in other forms of EI may feel that way--who knows, maybe they even do depending on the meaning of "love." Some may feel they love their spouses even if they are having a typical affair. Some think they love both.

But maybe you should be asking other questions--how unhealthy is the relationship your in? What are the possibilities for your partner changing and becoming trustworthy? What do you want, what are you willing to accept? what boundaries are you considering, and what consequences. And if what kind of love is it that your partner has for you if he can often and so long betray?

Please start to think of yourself, your health, your childrens and what your kind of love deserves in return.

[This message edited by marji at 6:11 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

Real love is putting someone else above yourself, letting someone into your most inner, intimate and vulnerable place. Love doesn't get turned on and off with a mood swing. Real love involves commitment and dedication. Plus much more.

I don't think cheaters really love. They may confuse fondness with love or lust for love.

Love is lasting. Love is an action verb. So I think cheaters have some feeling for their spouse/SO but it doesn't equate to true, mature agape love.

I've thought about this for awhile, as I think we all tend to do. In my case, I think my husband did, but not as much as he once did, if that makes sense. To my WH, he was simply taking care of himself, getting what he felt he deserved while keeping it away from me, therefore, in his wayward brain somehow "protecting" me. The problem with his plan however was as long as he was with the AP, his resentment towards me kept growing, so I'm not sure he realized the negative consequences to his grand plan. I heard the "I never meant to hurt you" and the "I just thought you'd be mad" lines... He really had just no idea how much devastation he would cause.

The second he realized he was on damage control. He of course followed the handbook of trying to keep her around "she's more of a friend, we're not talking about anything sexual" whatever. He did let her go, of his own accord, after he lied to me that it had already happened. Point being, he still thought by hiding her was protecting somehow.

I do think he loved me. In our case, his cheating times directly correlate to times he felt (like a 3 year old would) that I didn't love him. He'd been cheated on in every single relationship he'd ever had, and since he stifled the emotions, I should feel the same. Surprise!! It didn't work that way. So his legacy now is the one person in his life who hasn't hurt him, hasn't treated him as disposable or replaceable, and who's never cheated on him... He almost threw away. He compartmentalized. HARD. He simply blocked that his actions affected anyone else.

[This message edited by Rollercoaster214 at 8:36 AM, October 9th (Monday)]

I was never going to leave you and never would even if I hated you

So......he would show his love by not leaving you even if he hated you. What? That makes about as much sense as someone saying "I hate you, and I would never be with you even if I loved you!"

I am three years out from DDAY 1 and 6 months out of relationship and i look back and absolutely do not believe my XWBF ever loved me - he did not love me then, after it all came out or now.

You do not destroy someone you love. Love is the opposite of everything that is and comes from infidelity.

Thank you all for your posts. I think it hurts to admit that WS due not love me during that time because it was during his cheating I birthed his first and second born and only children. He didn't live me during this precious period and thus didn't love the children. You are all also.rigjt love for him is a feeling. He kept talking about emotional connection and how he got along better with them. Well when u r fucking and a woman using u for money she is going to get along with you...it just hurts.

How do u determine of they love you now or if just there for the kids?

I agree with the majority of comments on here. I can not understand how you could love someone and do something so horrible to them. This is a question I have battled with myself. Like a previous commenter said, cheating is not an accident, it is a very deliberate act.

Yes it's deliberate. My WS stated he didn't think I loves him and didn't think he would get caught thus didn't view it as risking his family more so as being unhappy and going outside the marriage to find comfort

Read ncharge's post again. I think it hits the nail on the head.

I also add that it isn't a lack of love but of maturity to translate love to action and make wise decisions that takes into account the potential consequences.

A teenager is very selfish. They do all kinds of things their parents and friends would not approve of. They sneak out, smoke cigs, have risky sex, experiment with drugs, and the list of foolishness can go on and on.

Sometimes, they get caught or their behavior has other unintended, unconsidered consequences. But, we do not say they didn't love their parents or their friends. We just say they are immature.

I told this story recently. I had a young friend who was killed by another young friend. A bunch of kids were out drinking, including the driver. Of course, their parents didn't know what they were up to. The deceased was in the back of a pickup with a bunch of other kids. They were wild, dancing, drinking, whooping, and hollering. The kid stood up. He was drunk and toppled out. The others started yelling at the driver to stop. He couldn't hear them. They knocked on the window, told him what happened. He backed up....he was going to go pickup the kid, who was passed out face down on the gravel road. The driver backed over his head. Dead on impact.

These were good kids. Good grade kids. Nerdy kids. Church kids. Some became doctors, lawyers, teachers.

They loved their parents and each other. Many are still close friends. But they were young, stupid, and immature.

They failed to consider the consequences. And each and every single one of them wishes they could go back. But they can't. Life is a one way timeline. Linear. They didn't not love, they just lacked the maturity to turn love into an action by considering all the consequences.