SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

so your kids are going to grow up in a household that is unhappy or fake.

Sometimes, it is better to break up the household and ensure your kids have at least one happy parent to stay with.

Staying for the kids is not always the best option

Do you have access to her email, passwords, phone texts? Has made any attempt at IC?

Has she come clean with ALL the truth?

She has come clean with 'ALL' truth , I cannot believe it. She is very apologetic , looks like.

Cries all day ..but about what ?

I don't think it is a mistake, it is a planned murder. Someone is cheating behind my back until they realize it was a fog and stop it voluntarily and resume family life. It seems they do what they want , how they want , how long they want and expect the spouses to be there and think they can get away with apologies..WTF ??

waryaries,

Actually WS need the care and attention of the BS to enjoy cheating. It says most affairs die along with the marriage

I haven't filed for D, I don't want another marriage for sure. My kids are young or too young, they need a family. I may put up with this cheater for some more time. I don't want to any decisions that will affect my kids, they are too young even to understand divorce.

Honestly this might be the best time for them. If you get divorced when they're too young to remember it then everything else afterwards will just be normal for them. On the other hand if you divorce when they're older that won't be the case.

Also if you do plan on staying in your marriage for the sake of the kids, showing them what a marriage filled with mistrust, resentment, and a lack of love isn't really going to be doing them any favors let alone showing them what healthy relationships and marriage should look like.

And no it does not sound like your wife is remorseful if all she's doing is sitting around crying.

Biggest fear I have is I will miss my kids if she gets custody. I have to talk to a lawyer when head is straight , at least for the next 90 days I am not taking any decision.

I have asked if she is willing to go with AP, she says she will stay single as says she hates him for all what happened. I haven't believed anything from her so far.

My husband had a 2.5 year affair on me. Lied to me Every. Damn. Day. After discovery, he seemed remorseful, cried, begged and the one thing he kept saying over and over was

I didn’t intend to hurt you.

I read the following from a website and I believe it to be 100% true,

Hurting you was unintentional? Cheating is about as deliberate as a NATO airstrike. There’s nothing unintentional about secret cell phones, dating profiles, diverted monies, and clandestine hook-ups. It takes a lot of planning and premeditation to cheat. What was unintentional was you finding out about it.

Cheaters prefer the passive voice language of “mistakes were made” after discovery. (No pronouns, no responsibility!) In the real world, people don’t just accidently land on each other’s genitals. It’s not a “mistake” or something that “just happened.” That sort of language distances cheaters from personal responsibility for their crappy choices.

“I didn’t intend to hurt you” is gas lighting with some blame shifting thrown in for good measure. Hey, hurting you wasn’t a conscious choice. If you want to interpret what I did as hurtful, well, that’s on you. But it’s not how I intended it. See how this trick works? The onus shifts from the cheater (who didn’t intend to hurt you) to you (a person who has mistakenly taken offense where offense wasn’t intended). Left out of the equation is that they did something offensive.

“I didn’t intend to hurt you” is a gem of impression management. Yes, they are cheaters, but not bad people. It’s not like they go around feeling like Dr. Evil, plotting your downfall. Hurting you was completely beside the point! You’re a bit of collateral damage, that’s all; so don’t take it so hard. What’s important to remember is that the cheater is still a splendid person.

Response

“Your intentions are irrelevant. You knew full well that cheating on me would hurt me, which is why you kept it a secret. You didn’t intend to hurt me? Well, you didn’t intentionally try to keep me from harm either.”

true -- very true

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 11:33 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

To californiaNative,

Thansk for the post , do you mind sharing the website ?

No problem.

(No soliciting)

Cheating and lying are a choice, not a mistake

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:41 AM, October 25th (Wednesday)]

Reconciliation is getting difficult as I think of the planning she did to cheat on me and how she treated me during those times.

Also , I am not sure if she is telling the truth yet. God, it is not easy to understand a cheater.

has she written a timeline , and had a poly on the timeline?

why the F are you talking reconciliation at this point ???

When will you defend yourself man ????

We can't help you if you don't help yourself. Find a way to get over your codependent ways and stand up for you and your ids. Otherwise, you are doing yourself and them a disservice

^^^^^^^SPOT ON^^^^^^^^^^^

BW here, and nearly five years later I have to believe that recovery is usually a bad idea. Even when it works very well. How do you think that you can ever really trust, and more importantly-- respect-- this person again now that you know what that creature is capable of? The respect thing is huge. Take a few minutes and think about all of the pain -and the stuff you're still going to find out about -and ask yourself how, even if you can do the internal alchemy required to forgive the unforgivable, you'll live with what you know this person is really made of. You know now beyond any doubt. The phrase "character is destiny" gets blathered at graduation speeches like a cliche. It is, however, the absolute truth. You are the sum total of the stuff you've done. It's the material of your self-created being. What is this thing you're married to? How would this not be better scraped off your shoe?

I haven't thought of anything right now , both D and R are options, I want to give it a time of around 90 days to go either ways. Before getting there I want to secure things in my favor and want to be on my terms there after. I don't act emotionally to any of the stuff going around, I have to take care of my Kids, business and finances before I take any decision.

I think that your head is in the right place on this one

Any templates for postnup for a WW ?

Post nups have been mentioned here where the assets are split unevenly, such as 70/30, when the spouse again has an affair. Any post nup should be written by an attorney because they need to be iron clad.

I have been silent for sometime : wanted get my head straight before getting my own decision.

AP is got divorced.

Though my swears NC , I don't trust her at all. I planning to let her go but the timing is not decided. She thinks everything is back to normal but I have repeatedly told her we may have to breakup.

I will act in the best interest of kids on when and how. Thanks to one and all who have helped a lot through out this trying times.

Have you consulted a lawyer yet? Hope you are doing whatever you can to protect yourself and your kids.

You are right to doubt your WW. You wrote earlier that she "hates OM for everything that happened". Sounds like she is blaming him and minimizing her own involvement.

Also, if she is acting like everything is back to normal, that is a big indicator that there is a problem. She should be working to win back your trust, if she is hoping for R. Sounds like she is looking to rugsweep.