SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post so I'm not up with all the abbreviations so please bear with me. My husband works out of state for 2 weeks at a time. A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a phone number on the cellphone bill from the state he works in. The number showed up repeatedly so I started digging back on past bills as far as I could go (6 months) and it was infrequently there and as time passed it was there more often and for longer periods of time. He's been at work the past 2 weeks so I've been playing detective. Long story short I have since found out her name. I found her on fb, Pinterest, insta, her address and place of employment. He is coming home tonight and I'm planning to confront him. Being that this is happening 2 states away from me I have no other proof other than the lengthy and frequent phone calls. Am I being crazy to just assume something is going on without more proof??

You are definately not crazy. Your husband is having very frequent conversations with another woman and I assume he hasn't mentioned her to you. It would be crazy not to be suspicious of this. Don't doubt yourself. When he talks to his guy friends, does he keep that a secret?

Nope not crazy at all.

But I would encourage you to hold off on confrontation until you have a chance to meet with an attorney. Find out what D or S would look like for you, his obligations, your rights.

You may want to consider hiding a VAR in his vehicle so you can gather real proof if you need it, or feel you must have it to get him to come clean.

Also take some time to figure out what you want. Figure out what you need from him to move forward if you are considering giving him a second chance.

Lastly NEVER reveal your sources.

I would hang on a bit longer and investigate your finances, and do the var in the car/places he might talk on his cell phone, before confrontation. He's probably going to explain it away as a co worker or client who is needy, going through a nasty breakup and needs a shoulder, etc. He will gaslight you.

I would wait. He will most likely say

"oh, that a freelance co-worker that was put on as a local on x project".

-Tailor to whatever field he's in- OR:

"she is some lonely woman I met traveling and was having a hard time in life, so I offered her an ear. I thought it was innocent and friendly at first, but then she kept calling me more and more. I felt she was unstable so I didn't want to cut her off. She is annoying, I don't even want to be talking to her but I just felt really bad. Nothing happened, I swear on our kids."

You get the idea. I'd put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car or in your house when he's alone. You'll quickly know the status of their relationship before they go deeper underground.

I'm sorry

I would wait.

I agree.

One of the cardinal rules for a BS is that you don't confront until you have indisputable evidence. He could easily come up with an explanation and gaslight you. Then, if something is going on, he'll likely take it underground and it will be that much more difficult to catch him.

Make yourself an expert in covert surveillance. You can get plenty of help here.

You are not being crazy. Would you hide lengthy phone calls to a man you never mentioned to your husband? Of course not. Even if that's all this is, that means he isn't sharing all of his life with you and thinks that's OK. But that's never all it is.

I second the idea of getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and putting it in his car when he gets home. If you confront now, he will probably only admit to what you already know, which isn't much.

Thank you for all your replies! He works in the oilfield so he can't use the "client" excuse. I'm sure he is going to try to come up with a lame excuse though. That occupation creates a whole new set of obstacles bc he can't be followed/watched bc the times they leave the property are variable at best. And there's no way to have him trailed bc it would be very obvious if someone hung around to watch the comings and goings on the property..

i can tell by the phone records that it's him initiating 90% of the phone calls. I will check into getting a recorder. Where is the best place to get one? He goes outside most times to talk on the phone when he's home though but I'm sure he's making calls from the truck also.! When he's at work it's anybody's guess if he calls from the truck or in a building..

Someone mentioned finances in a reply also. I have noticed that he goes to the ATM before he leaves town each time so I'm assuming he's making sure there's no paper trail.

He forgot to turn off his "find my iPhone" so I've been able to track him today as he's driving home. One thing on the plus side for me I guess.

It's usually recommended to use a velco strip to attach the VR under the front seat. It is important that you can retrieve it and reinstall it quickly. Some folks have gotten two VARS to be able to make the exchange at the same time.

I see the issue with trying to have him followed/watched. You know where she works so she could be followed/watched more easily.

I would check your bank statements to see what ATM withdrawals he makes when out of town. And don't rule out him making debit card transactions.

Look for a pattern in the calls. Out of town frequency versus when he is at the house.

Too soon to confront. Stay stealth. Gather more intel.

I would also look at the times he is calling other woman. Next week track him several times on Find my iPhone. If you do not ask for a noise to be played...you cannot see anyone looking at find my iPhone.

On Facebook. Did you search her name in photos. Many times photos will appear there as well. That aren't on a public timeline.

Agree with the others, too early to confront. You will gain nothing, just a lot of gasslighting. You will be in the worse place than you are now - you will still not know anything for sure and he will be aware of your suspicion. There's almost zero probability that during confrontation he will admit to having A and stop it. It's not in the Cheaters' Handbook.

I assume, you do not have access to his phone.

Identify times when he is usually on the phone with her, crosscheck what he must have been doing during these calls. VAR in a car is a must. If he has some "usual" location outside where he goes to talk (going outside to talk is huge red flag in itself), you might consider placing VAR somewhere nearby. Be sure to tape all the lights if VAR has them and disable/silence (if VAR has earphone jack buy cheap headphones, plug it into VAR and cut off the wires) all the beeps.

It may be IMPOSSIBLY hard not to confront once he comes back. We aren't cheaters, keeping painful secrets and lying is not our modus operandi. Be strong. I had two weeks of pure torture after DDay2 (Discovery Day - when affair was discovered, in my case - third and first affairs) when I was preparing divorce documents, etc.

Also, MAKE A PLAN. What will you do if your further investigations do not show anything? What will you do if there's ongoing A? What will you do if you are unable to catch him talking to that woman (OW - other woman)? Is cheating dealbreaker for you?

Do you have kids? If not, usual advice you will get - RUN!

Keep posting. We are here to help.

Dixie

Do not confront. Do not let him know you are suspicious. Act normal.

You must keep quietly gathering evidence or he will poo-poo your evidence with all kinds of excuses and then take the A underground.

GPS his car, you can rent one.

VAR in his car.

Keep watching phone records.

Private investigators can be hired discreetly.

Do Not confront. You will be sorry you did without hard evidence.

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:02 AM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Remember this too, the VAR will give you the proof. But do not reveal it.

Most WS will immediately “break it off” and go NC. You want to still be able to use the VAR to confirm this.

Good luck!

So..I kept my cool and have not confronted him yet. I had this big plan in my head of how I was going to do it too.. ever since he got home last night he has kept his phone either on him or conveniently in his truck when he comes inside so any attempts to gain access to it have been difficult. I do however know his apple login so I'm wondering if I can access his cloud from my computer and it will have contacts, messages or even pix in the cloud?? Anyone knowledgeable in this area? It has taken every ounce of restraint I have not to pick up my phone and just call her. I know it will pay off in the long run to be strong. We have 2 small children so I really need to be strong for them and get as much proof as I can before I do anything. Someone mentioned that you can rent a gps? Where do I even go to get something like that? Would it pick up from 2 states away or how does it even work?

Warning - findmyiphone will send an email alerting you that your phone was searched for unless you opt out. That started a couple of years ago...

Does he drive to his work place out of state with his truck? Then you should look for VAR with a long lasting battery life, and it should be real VAR - i.e. one, that only records when there's voice and not ambient noise. Google "long life voice activated digital recorder", read reviews. Do not leave digital trace looking for it and ordering it - if he can see your CC statements, ask trusted friend/relative/colleague to order it and have it delivered to "safe" place. Same applies to GPS.

I don't know where you can rent GPS (I'm not in US). If you find the place, ask them about out-of-state stats. GPS units usually use mobile phone data or text feature to report back location.

VAR is more valuable tool, because you can get absolute evidence, I'm almost sure that he calls her as soon as he gets off work.

There are some VARs that look like thumb drive. If he travels by plane, explore possibility to hide one in his luggage.

I know how surreal everything feels to you now... :(

You wake up every morning and wonder how your life suddenly became spy movie of a crappy director...

Concentrate on gathering evidence, you cannot allow your feelings overwhelm you now. Be strong for your kids.

I got a GPS for my son's car, when he was making poor choices.

It cost around $100.00 It was actually a great thing. It told us where he was, when he there, and we could follow his path in realtime.

The other thing that it did was show us if he was speeding, or had any hard breaking. It was a tool that we eventually used to help him become a better driver. I can't think of the name of it, but we got it at Best Buy.

Yes he drives his own truck to and from work. I was thinking about the VAR...how does it distinguish between music and actual talking? He drives 16+ hours one way and I'd hate to record 16 hrs of music😳...but I guess if I can get at least one phone conversation during that time it'd be worth it?..

I got access to his cloud but I'm guessing his phone isn't backing up to it bc there's no pix since April in there...also I thought there was a way to see text/iMessage in the cloud? I'm guessing that without access to the actual phone I can't change any settings...?

I can see on the cellphone records that he's called her since he's been home. It's usually right after I leave home to take the kids to school 😡.... it kills me how he is just going about normal life at home like he's not doing any wrong! He even went to church with us yesterday and sat there like he's the perfect family man.....arrrrrhhggg......

I had to listen to hours of music as well. It was worth it to know the truth. Plus you can fast forward.

If you have a Mac. You can set up his iCloud on the Mac and it will receive texts. You will need to do this when he doesn't have his phone.

Get your MAC ready. Add another user ID with Iclpud account. His phone needs to be in your ha d. It will send verification codes. You will also want to delete the email from his email account and his trash.

Google how to set up an additional user on MAC and practice with your own devices before doing his.

I have a couple of questions.

Once you confront, what is your action plan? He isn't going to give up the other woman as soon as you confronte. He is calling her everyday. This is a relationship. There will be major drama. It's why we say to put a VAR in the car before you confront. He will call her the first chance he has. Also you should have a VAR under your bed.

Please schedule an STD Test immediately. Tell you doctor office your husband is having an affair. They will get you in right away.

I would also see a lawyer before confronting. This gives you leverage before the confrontation.

He is going to say he is confused, there will be crying. He is so full of himself. He has two women.

In order to lead this double life....he isn't connected to you and the kids...

This is going to be extremely painful. Have your plans in place.

I can promise you with every fiber of my being. If you go into this strong. You will come out ahead.

When I confronted. I didn't understand it. I automatically assumed he wanted me and the kids. He didn't.

We did pick me for 5 weeks. Those 5 weeks weee exteeemly damaging.

You want. No contact. Line it out exactly. He doesn't get time to decide.

You want him to go IC.

Job change. No more going to that Location.

Have you figured out who this woman is?