SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If he cries and threatens suicide or to harm himself in some way, tell him you're going to call 911 immediately. He's doing this to draw attention away from what he did. Do it every time he threatens it. This is a common tactic that WS pull when confronted. 911 every time.

I have no plans to stay or try to salvage this sham of a marriage once I confront..He's an alcoholic and has been verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive our entire relationship (16 years...yes I feel ashamed to have put up with it for this long)...I guess this other woman is really doing me a favor..I am still here now just to gather my evidence. I don't want to do anything premature bc he is going to play dirty when I leave and I don't want my children to suffer more than they have to. I know it's not going to be easy..

As far as her identity goes Yes I know who she is... I know her address, place of employment and so much more. I have found her on fb, insta, Pinterest and other websites..She is in the other state so I think there's a very slim chance of her ever coming here.

Dixie, you need to have a plan in place.

Have you met with an attorney?

Have you confided in a trusted family member or friend who can help you?

He's abusive. You need a plan. Protect yourself and your children like yesterday.

In your case I might hire a private investigator.

I'm glad you're being so thoughtful about every step. Please protect yourself and your kids. He sounds like the sort of man who will pull out all the stops) manipulation, lying, verbally attacking you) when you finally confront him. I'd make sure you've seen an attorney and know exactly what your next steps are first.

You are not crazy, and when you confront him he will probably try to make you feel that way. Don't hold back and not confront him do it now. I held onto information thinking I could hold onto our marriage and in the end when it all blew up it was worse than it would have been. Hang in there

Do a quick google search of what your state laws are regarding divorce. If your state has an infidelity clause...hire the private investigator.

Never tell him about the VAR. It's against federal law to record conversations without permission.

Get copies of all you bank statements. I stripped all the paperwork out of the house. I also changed all my beneficiaries immediately.

Before you confront. Take half the money out of savings. Open an account in your name.

Because of his history. This will be a shit storm on you.

You are not a fool for staying married. Your vows meant something to you. You honored your committment.

Every single person on this website understands your feelings. I promise you!

MommaBear1, it is really too early to "do it now". There's no evidence. Nobody is talking about "not confronting at all". It's just too early.

I have no plans to stay or try to salvage this sham of a marriage once I confront

On the other hand, if you do not plan staying with him, why bother with evidence and not just start divorce? Is it just to show him that he's the one breaking up the family with undeniable proof? Does infidelity matter in divorce in your state? Please, speak with the lawyer ASAP.

As for listening to 16h of music - unfortunately VAR logics won't make distinction between voice and music. You might want to use such audio editing software as Audacity (free) to scroll through many hours of music not only by listening, but also by looking at sound patterns - music might look different from speech.

If you confront, have a VAR on you (and maybe trusted friend in you house). If he is abusive, it might get ugly. And again - don't reveal your sources.

Is OW married?

I agree with the above: what is the point of confrontation if you already know you are leaving?

Go see an attorney, get the paperwork drawn up, move your money and your things, serve him papers = done.

Good luck!

Yes adultery is grounds for divorce in my state. I want to gather as much evidence as I can against him bc I know when we get to court he is going to play dirty. He is going to lie and say I'm an unfit mother and try to take full custody of my kids. I also want to be able to embarrass him publicly the same way I feel privately right now. He has such a big ego and it's all about image to him. He would be embarrassed if our friends and family knew what he was doing to me and our children. Without proof it's just my word against his. I think he is probably going to be relieved when I confront him bc he knows I'm going to leave. He wants to be able to tell people that "she left me" like he's the victim. I will never be rid of him completely bc of our small children so gathering as much proof as I can is just as much for my sanity/peace of mind...

OW is not married..he has called her multiple times since he's been home this time which is an increase in frequency. So either he has absolutely no clue that I'm suspicious or he doesn't care anymore..

Since it's grounds. Hire a PI. VAR wouldn't be admissible.

Admissibility of a VAR recording varies by state...get a lawyer ASAP and get to work with them on your evidence, both what you have and what you need.

As others said - consult with lawyers about your evidence and what might help you to get full custody of your children.

Since you know he is dirty player, you must be double careful about revealing your sources.

PI is probably the best option, since they should know what is legal and what is not.

It looks like your situation has at least one positive side - you don't have to pretend to be loving wife while you gather evidence.

If you have his apple I.d. info then teensafe is a pretty good product, check it out.

Will teensafe notify him in any way that I'm using it? I don't have access to the phone itself...I'm accessing the cloud on my laptop. He keeps his phone locked with his thumbprint so I absolutely can't get into it any other way.

even though his phone is locked by thumbprint, there is always a pin number back up in case the thumbprint fails.

even though his phone is locked by thumbprint, there is always a pin number back up in case the thumbprint fails.

Yep, put some grease on your hands and put the grease on the thumbprint. Then say, Baby I need you to check your calendar for x date. The thumbprint will fail and he will have to enter a code.

Soooo...here is an update.

This past Friday I confronted. I had absolutely no plans of doing so but we got in a argument and he started telling me all the things I do wrong (what I don't do around the house, what a bad mother I am, etc..) and before I knew it I told him "let me see your phone". He immediately asks what I'm looking for and I ask what he's hiding. He says he wants to see my phone too so I immediately unlock it and hand it to him. He still hasn't handed me his phone yet and he's still asking what I'm looking for. I told him if he wasn't hiding anything then hand me his phone. So he unlocks it and hands it to me. I immediately start dialing OW phone number (by this point I have it memorized). The look on his face when he realized I was dialing was priceless. He says "what..what are you doing??" When I finished dialing the number a name pops up bc it's a number that is obviously programmed in it. But instead of her name popping up a man's name does. So I put it on speaker phone and then HER voicemail picks up and says her name. I hung it up and did not leave a message.

Long story short he denies sleeping with her and says "she's just a friend" (which I knew that was going to happen). He did offer the info that he's known her for over a year when I thought it had only been about 6 months. He of course gave me the whole line about how it was my fault bc if I had ever talked to him then he wouldn't have wanted to talk to any other women (insert huge eye roll here)...

Of course he's said he's sorry but I don't really believe him. He claims he told her since then that they "can't be friends anymore". Obviously I am not stupid enough to believe him. He acts like since he's said I'm sorry then that it is supposed to make everything fine again and he can't understand why I'm "in a pissy mood".

I was unable to secure a VAR yet and he left today headed back to work. He thinks that bc he called our cellphone provider Friday and had me removed as an authorized user that I won't be able to access the call logs anymore but I access them through the website and I still have the log in info. Still I'm sure he won't use his regular phone anymore and will communicate with a pay as you go phone. So I am not abandoning the idea of the VAR yet. He has no clue that I know as much info about OW as I do and he has tried to feed me all kinds of false info when I asked questions. That just lets me know he is not done with all the lying. I'm sure some are wondering what the point is in keeping on now that he's been confronted. Honestly, I'm just taking it day by day. It's not as cut and dry as some believe it to be when something like this happens. The pain is far worse then I pictured. My hat's off to those of you going through this or already been through it and survived.

He thinks that bc he called our cellphone provider Friday and had me removed as an authorized user that I won't be able to access the call logs anymore but I access them through the website and I still have the log in info.

Why would he remove you as an authorized user from the cell account if he had nothing to hide?

It's not as cut and dry as some believe it to be when something like this happens. The pain is far worse then I pictured.

You are SO right. It's probably the hardest thing many of us had to do. Keep going though. You are doing well!

So sorry you find your self here.

Couple of little things I do.

If you are able to go on to his phone go to settings - battery and it will tell you what apps have been used on the phone and for how long. If he has deleted apps to hide it will show as deleted app.

Also. Settings - privacy -- location services - system services - frequent locations. Tells you where the iPhone has been x

Good luck 💔