SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I bold because the animated gifs would be make the regular text harder to see.

Is saying, "I have no idea why the BS puts up with it" the same as not blaming a WS?

I have known many cheaters over many years--some casually and others as close as family--and honestly, I have never heard or felt anyone blame anyone but the WS. Entirely. The closest I ever heard was, "The BS should not put up with her shit!" But I always felt that was more of a slam on staying with a known cheater, not excusing the cheating.

Do people judge a BS who stays, whether the WS is remorseful or not? Yep. All the time, even though it shows a complete lack of knowledge and compassion. But make excuses for a WS to the point of giving them an out? No, I've never heard it.

I will say that I might do this if I were speaking to a BS about the cheating. Why? Because I would want to be supportive, almost like, "There was probably a reason. You guys will be fine." Do you think this is why you believe the WS always gets a pass, because people are offering their misguided support????

I've been obsessing on this subject lately and it has been pissing me off like no other.

It's so damn unfortunate that the BS's own family and friends frequently blame the BS.

"List stupid things well meaning people have said. "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=586252

"Meanest, most insensitive & dumbest things Others have said ? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=601888&AP=21&HL=

So, I personally believe that neutral third party non BS's(AKA the general public) would blame the poor BS so much more.

And the WS ?

The WS get's the "get out of jail free" card ; of course.

"T/J How often have you heard other people call WS A a "mistake"? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=596785

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 1:13 PM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

the picture is just too big...I had to learn slowly...my world had exploded...I couldn't face too much at once....I couldn't believe who he really was....I was so right, and so wrong...about the same person. Its mind blowing...I gave him so many chances... he didn't care. This was my H....

I know that in a forum with thousands of active visitors , I know that many people have their

1) biases

2)personal agendas

3) differing view points

4)set beliefs.

For me to make the arguments that I did;and for me to take aim at one of the forums most beloved theories , I was expecting so so much more dissenting opinions.

For this thread so get the # of dissenting opinions that it actually did, is an absolute MIRACLE.

In my situation, it wasn't any of those things. My WS likes "new conquests". He wants to see what someone elses breasts are like and how she feels and does things. The one thing I can't be......is new.

Yes, same situation here. I fully blame my FWS, he fully blames himself as well.

I think pretty universally here, in this society of SI, the consensus is that the WS is at fault for the affair. I happen to agree.

But there are plenty of reasons for why people cheat. The choice to cheat isn’t a reason. It’s a result. The question is why did the WS make that choice? Some opine that they chose to cheat because they’re selfish assholes. There are also plenty of reasons for why a WS is a selfish asshole (one of which is because they cheated). Some list FOO and childhood abuse and everything including the weather. In the end does it matter?

Like sisoon, I don’t think my BS really cares about my whys. And why should she? She’s not responsible for those either. I chose to cheat for my own terrible reasons. And worse, I chose to cheat without regard for those I would hurt the most. So there’s both my selfish and asshole. Why did I choose to be selfish? Why did I choose to be an asshole? Why did I make those choices? All kinds of reasons. And they’re my reasons. And they're terrible. My BS knows some and I know some of the rest. And none of my reasons justify my choice to cheat or make anyone responsible for my choices but me. And neither do any of those reasons make my BS responsible for what I did to her. I can still be an asshole and I can still make bad choices. My BS biggest concern is that I continue to exhibit some of the behavior that seemed to lead to those bad choices. And my job is to figure out the why for those if I want to stay in this relationship. To make sure that I address those old whys and that they don’t turn into new whys. If they do its makes my BS choice easier. If they don’t and my behavior and my choices change for the better then maybe we can have a relationship that works for us both.

This threads purpose to point out that I've noticed that it's so trendy to give the WS the "get out of jail free " card while also blaming the BS for EVERYTHING .

How f*cked up is that when a BS's own family and friends blame the BS?

A BS's family and friends are the people whom should be defending the BS the MOST.

"List stupid things well meaning people have said. "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=586252

"Meanest, most insensitive & dumbest things Others have said ? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=601888&AP=21&HL=

"When did people 1st started telling U 2 "get over it"? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=589752

Breaks my heart to know how so many BS's get blamed by their family and friends.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 9:45 PM, November 9th (Thursday)]

These threads illustrate how much an A hurts the BS.

"Being cheated on hurt so bad that you could've..."

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

"How many have you thought about committing suicide?"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=613834

For friends and family to turn around and blame the BS for the A is one big huge slap in the face!

I know that in a forum with thousands of active visitors , I know that many people have their

1) biases

2)personal agendas

3) differing view points

4)set beliefs.

For me to make the arguments that I did;and for me to take aim at one of the forums most beloved theories , I was expecting so so much more dissenting opinions.

For this thread so get the # of dissenting opinions that it actually did, is an absolute MIRACLE.

I still can't believe that the opposition to this thread and my ideas is virtually nil .

For me to make the arguments that I did;and for me to take aim at one of the forums most beloved theories , I was expecting so so much more dissenting opinions.

What beloved theory did you take aim at and in which way did you make arguments about it that you feel would cause opposition?

The BS's faults caused the cheater to cheat.

If I don't have those faults, I shouldn't have to worry about my spouse cheating theory.

I've seen it repeated countless times since I've been here.

By who?

I don't know who came up with it but it was repeated many times in this thread alone.

Darkholeheart started it

Hm, I cannot find it right now, but somebody on SI said something along the lines: reluctance to blame CS comes from belief that you somehow can control your SO's actions - i.e. I'm good spouse, and that means that my SO will not cheat on me. Marry cheated on Jon, because Jon wasn't good enough of a spouse.

If they loose that belief, they feel like they lost control, became helpless, that infidelity might become their reality too despite their efforts, love, etc.

Loukas continued

I believe the most common reason folks don't blame the WS is out of fear and control. Married couples around me weren't able to figure out how or why my ex had an affair. They never seen it coming, nor did I. That's a terrifying thought. That someone you trust more than any other could one day just have an affair.

I longed for control over my life. That I had the power to make it stable and predictable, especially my marriage. Part of that control was that if I did certain things a certain way, my then wife wouldn't cheat. There's great comfort in that thought. It takes away the anxiety. But is it true? In my experience it isn't. Because my then wife is a human being, completely capable of making her own choices and she did.

For others around my ex and I, what happened is a sobering realization. That we aren't in control of our lives. That the person we trust most is capable of truly horrible things. It becomes easier to blame the BS, because by looking at my actions, they can try to learn and grow from "mistakes" I may have made in my marriage and avoid infidelity. It gives them that control back. They don't want to admit that it could happen to them. I can't say I blame them. By blaming me, they are blaming themselves, and "assuring" stability in their relationship

Thatbpguy touched on it

I think many people who let the WS go feel like they are admitting they're a loser for not being able to hold a marriage together. That people will also look down on them as well. I know I felt that way to a certain degree

Cheatee agreed whole heartedly with Darkholehear

DarkHoleHeart hit the nail on the head.

People tend to blame the BS, so that it validates that they themselves are good spouses, since their spouse (as far as they know) hasn't cheated on them. If they were to admit it has nothing to do with them (which it doesn't), they are far more at risk.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 12:55 AM, November 13th (Monday)]

I can't help but wonder if maybe you are seeing something you want to see.

I'd say the very base of the ideology at SI is that we are each responsible for our own actions.

However often when new members first find SI they are trying to own the actions of their wayward spouse. They come here with the belief that it's because of something they did (even if the betrayed doesn't fully believe it themselves). SI does an amazing job of helping folks see through that. To see beyond the blameshifting and gas lighting. To empower betrayeds to place the blame squarely where it belongs, on the waywards. That is the beloved SI theory that I know here. It's also one that is commonly practiced/preached, especially in JFO.

So unless I'm understanding you wrong, I have no idea why you'd be getting the impression that SI is blaming betrayeds for the waywards affairs...

I've been here over a year and half.

I know exactly what's SI values are and value them deeply.

I'm trying to make a point that there are plenty of non BS's outside of SI who have opposite values that we do here.

Ok. Then I don't understand why you'd expect SI's members to bring opposition to the point you are trying to make. It's my belief that many people outside of SI do believe the point you are trying to make. It would also be them who would oppose your point, not SI. So why are you surprised that folks who aren't here, aren't opposing your point?

[This message edited by Loukas at 1:09 AM, November 13th (Monday)]

It is my experience that there are some people here who thinks that values that are important inside SI are just as important outside of SI.

In this thread , I backed EVERY word I said with threads that back up what I'm saying.

Had I not had any proof to what I'm saying, I know many people here would've challenged me and accuse me of making broad generalizations.

Had my thread been without any links, many people here would've challenged me.

ETA

I personally know that had I authored this thread without any links, this thread would have turned out very differently.

Within a span of 24 hours of this thread going live, I would have AT LEAST twenty people wanting to challenge me.

Also, I would have AT LEAST 5 people accusing me of making broad generalizations.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 3:21 AM, November 13th (Monday)]

So the actual point you are trying to make is that In general, members of SI don't buy into the idea of blaming BS's?