SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyones WS offered them a hall pass (permission to have sex outside the relationship)? We were discussing how the A made me feel in regards to intimacy and how it wrecked my self-esteem which in turn has affected our intimacy and she said that if I needed to be with someone else to get that back, she would be ok with it. I have no idea how to feel about that and was wondering if anyone else had a similar experience.

For the record I immediately declined and said we are here because of infidelity and I don't see how more infidelity helps our situation.

I think they say it out of guilt, or in hopes that it'll help make us feel better and less hurt.

Mine hasn't given me a hall pass so to speak but he's said that if I ever did go out and have sex with someone else, he'd HATE it and be so hurt, BUT he said there isn't much he could say or do, because it would make him a huge hypocrite.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:14 PM, November 5th (Sunday)]

How is this real, that's exactly what my H said. Although I know that in his case, even a ONS would be a huge problem for him. He IS a hypocrite.

But that's not what I want. I'm female, of course I can find someone to have sex with. That proves nothing to me, because like I said, you can always find someone willing. Doesn't matter what you look like.

My WH suggested I have a RA because then I would have to forgive him. SMDH!!!

They say some really stupid shit when they're busted.

To be honest, I’ve been given it. Don’t know if I would take it if it was offered but I’d be lying if it wouldn’t be nice to see how I feel after it. If it would wake me from this nightmare and I could see love for her again or if it would show me how bad she was while doing it and proved I could never make it work. It’s not like I didn’t think about how it would feel to have a change after years of neglect even for a moment. I loved my wife and worked hard for her and my family..I had plenty of chances but nothing in the world would have then made me take the chance...Now...bows a different story...She blinded herself to everything good and found it wasn’t really worth it. Now she sees the light and wants her family more than ever. Maybe I would feel the same too..but too each their own..

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 2:00 PM, November 4th (Saturday)]

Mine would ask me during sex to do that. 3 or 4 times he asked me. To have sex with another man. I shut down and just lost it.

He finally said “I feel like I took something from you and it would even that out”. I yelled at him, “that’s not how that works!”

He has brought it up once more. I shut down. Hasn’t brought it up again.

At my women’s support group I asked about that, every single woman there said her husband did the same thing. The leader said it’s because they think it will remove some of their guilt. I said, no - that’s not how it works, and she agreed

I asked for it, and he agreed.

That's all it's come to. I don't plan to ever debase myself to that level of toxicity.

Wh never offered and admitted that if I was with someone else it would bother him. He said he would like to think he could get past it and also that he knew he was being a hypocrite.

It's them trying to shortcut this. You having sex with someone else with her knowledge and permission is not cheating, they aren't blindsided, they won't have to question why you did it - they will know, they won't have to worry that you are in love, they will feel hurt sure but it will be *their choice* to be hurt because you having sexual with someone else was their suggestion. Many people suggest RAs so they are "even" but it isn't. An RA proposed by the ws will never have the same traumatic impact. The only way it would be the same is if the WS does the work, heals themself, the marriage seems to be good and stable years down the road and THEN a RA happens. That might come off as the same in damage and even up the score. I don't know.

Other people can't fix self esteem they can only slap on bandaids while the wound festers underneath.

Oh yes! He asked me if I slept with someone else would that make me feel better or make things better to get back at him. Really? That wouldnt even bother him at all? What an insult that he would even suggest that. If he really loved me as his wife how could he even stand the thought of me being with someone else?? So disappointed.

[This message edited by Dontwanttogiveup at 8:41 PM, November 5th (Sunday)]

Yeah, if my WW asked me this I would not be happy. I don't want, and I don't want her to be, ok with infidelity, hers or mine.

To each their own, not passing judgement, I just know it wouldn't ease my pain and would in fact magnify it.

If I find myself ever really wanting something else so much that I'm actually considering it then I will know it's time to divorce.

yes, my WW has suggested that I have sex with another women.

I then asked her how she can claim to love me and then tell me to go fuck another woman.....

Also wanted to pop back in and say - when there are problems with intimacy between two people the answer is probably never " add more people".

My WH gave me a hall pass then freaked out when he found out I'd used it. Though I think he gave me one after the fact, so....he says now he didn't know what he was asking for when he said that. Fixed nothing, of course.

The reality is that it let's the WS feel better about themselves and makes them feel what they is now "okay" because the BS did it too. However as strugglebus says, it is not remotely the same thing. While a RA has crossed my mind more times than I want to admit, I will not give my WW any reason to ever think her A was justified or not as bad. I am already emotionally f-d up, I certainly don't need any more drama in the mix to make it worse

WW said it would hurt her, but if I decided that it would help me heal, then I'm free to do it.

I replied that if she suggests it one more time, she will have papers on the table the very next day.

if it wasn't ok for the WS to do it how is it ok for the BS? isn't that the hypocrisy?

[This message edited by sewardak at 11:35 AM, November 6th (Monday)]

My wife offered. So, i said sure, and then told her she had to go find her and bring her to me. Then gave the description of the body/ethnic type I knew would piss her off the most as what I 'wanted'.

Hadn't heard about it since. Hell, maybe she's still working on it lmao

I simply asked WH how he would feel if rolls were reversed. He says he'd never be able to stay. No thought to it he just knows he would not stay. Hmmmm