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The usual protecting the phone crap, changed the password. I saw an ILY message come across the face of the phone from OW and confronted him. He explained it away. It was a company phone so I couldn't check the account. After many times watching him type in a PIN I figured out his password and checked his ipad where the messages were syncing. I got up in the middle of the night to read them and take screen shots. 3 nights of that and then I asked him to leave the house. He did and it helped that I couldn't read any more. He didn't know for a month that I read the messages. When I told him I wanted a D and that I knew he was lying I told him I read his work phone. He shut up after that and we proceeded to D.

Lots of things. Not answering his phone when he worked late.

Gradually becoming cold and distant. Not wanting sex as often. But none of these things made me suspicious because he would never, ever cheat!

His phone and his emails were very incriminating, but I never checked. Until the day the very real possibility hit me between the eyes and I discovered he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Then it all made sense.

I can't understand why I didn't see the signs during her last affair. Hundreds of texts a month and I didn't notice, hiding her phone that was always on silent, the evenings "out with the girls", the credit card statements that I just didn't look at.

What finally gave her away was a facebook message to the OM she was having an EA with. I happened to open her IPad to look something up and her facebook was open to her messages. She had sent a message to him not to text her un till she let him know because I had gotten a new phone and was getting all her messages. I was getting her Imessages to others on our plan, our kids, for some reason, I guess because we are all on the same plan, however I wasn't getting their messages or the ones to her PA partner. That night, after she was asleep I took her phone into the bathroom to go through it. I didn't find many of their text messages, or the ones to her PA partner, she was obviously deleting them as she went along but while going through her emails I found all the ones between her and her PA partner. She had changed the setting so they could remain in her "trash" mailbox and not be automatically deleted. The rest is history.

Just a side note, I confessed to by betrayals of her. She would have never known otherwise.

[This message edited by JimmyB at 10:01 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

She left her phone unattended one night when she went to bed and forgot to erase that day's text messages to OM - with "I love you's".

Wasn't enough to prove a PA though and she denied it was. Claimed she had never even kissed him.

My next opportunity I checked her emails but she had erased all of them (from and to OM), and her FB messages as well.

Luckily we don't use a internet based e-mail service. We use Outlook. She assumed when she deleted those emails, they were permanently erased. Not on Outlook; it keeps them in a hidden file on the hard drive. I found the file and recovered them; going back almost two years.

The other thing, back then FB would copy a sender's FB messages to the receiver's email. And lo and behold, there were 3600 FB messages from the POSOM describing in sickening detail, day by day; her 2 year PA - with her best friend's husband. It took me a day and a half to read every last one.

[This message edited by badmemory at 11:01 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

I found an open condom wrapper that he had kept in his bag for some reason. We hadn't used condoms for the past three years.

I came home way early from work one day when a case that was supposed to go on all day in another County was adjourned straight away.

When I walked up the stairs and into our former marital bedroom (we are attempting R but I've not slept in that bedroom for the ~8 months since d-day), they were scrambling to get dressed.

It was only after d-day that everything was so obvious, in retrospect. Constant texting, long-ass phone calls, so many nights "out with the girls" when she came home way later than she said she would, she was incredibly distant and always overwhelmed by anxiety, etc., etc. You just don't necessarily pick up on obvious shit when you're not constantly playing detective, which I'll be doing for the rest of my dang life, no matter who I'm with.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 11:42 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

You just don't necessarily pick up on obvious shit when you're not constantly playing detective, which I'll be doing for the rest of my dang life, no matter who I'm with.

^^^^^^

This is true

So many of the classic signs. But I finally looked in the right conversation text chain.

WH: "Sorry missed your call earlier. What's up? Morning meeting?"

COW/My "Friend": Yep. But I'm already at work. Maybe you can push me up against the wall when you get here".

Me: Holy shit. My life is over (in my head)

My WH showed the classic signs of cheating and I knew but for over a year I had suspected a different girl and could never find the evidence. I never in a million years thought it was my friend/ his married coworker.

90% of my rage comes from knowing something was up for so long but not knowing it was right under my nose with someone I confided in. I cried on her fucking shoulder.

Unbelievable how much of these are electronic/phone stupid give aways!

My WS pretty much didn't do anything stupid. He was unbelievably smart.

NEVER texted her. Only emailed her.

NEVER emailed her from home. Only from work.

Doesn't even have Facebook.

I would never have known if she didn't tell me.

Scary, huh?

She left a bag of stuff from the drugstore on the kitchen table. The receipt included condoms so I had the pleasure of literally cleaning up the trash from her affair. There were so many other clues I now see in hindsight that I overlooked because I trusted her completely.

I got an anonymous email warning me of their affair. Checked our phone bill and she was texting this guy dozens of times a day, and her office was right next to his.

She did the "phone thing" too - never out of reach, always on silent, always face down on the table, phone "turned away" when texting.

Then she couldn't spend enough time in the gym (I mean what parent has the time or energy to work out before and after work when you have small children - every single day no less??). She'd go run for a few miles, but it took a few hours. Then I started running and found out it should have only taken her about a half hour.

I was a sucker though and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then I got the ILYBINILWY speech, decided to get a VAR for her car -- and lo and behold found out more than I ever wanted to know.

Finding joy. Why did the OW tell you if the A?

My cheating bastard was very smart. He had a burner phone and a fake email for all of his illicit activities. But everyone makes mistakes eventually. I was lying in bed watching a movie about infidelity. It was made before cellphones were so prevalent. I started thinking about how different a movie it would have been if the main characters had smartphones and internet. Out of the blue I remembered that earlier that day I had seen my husband’s old iPhone in a drawer and I wondered what I might find on it. I wasn’t expecting much, but two minutes later I was looking at naked pictures and a video of her using a vibrator while calling out his name. It turns out he wasn’t content with just having those pictures on his burner phone, he was hiding them in an app on his regular phone so he could look at them any time. When he got a new phone he had to transfer them over and somehow managed to forget to delete them off the first phone. That phone sat there for 6 months before I randomly decided to look at it. It was the beginning of the end of a 24 year relationship.

He had a third "work phone" which he paid for monthy (thought i was stupid he told me work reimburses him) and his phone (out family plan phone) was synched to ipad snf his photos were synched to Mac. Had thst gut geeling he was cheating, checked ipad and csught him texting women #2, saw text on s"work phone from women #1 and saw all the acreen shots of text with "cute" sayings how frim #1, hiw they were soul mates and he wull never find anyone like her. Phinr us at bottom of lake and he has deleted all screenshots

The signs were EVERYWHERE.

Unfortunately, I had my head in the sand and didn't suspect anything.

I've always been jealous of people with a more "alert" gut.

So, this post is to make you folks who were clueless feel a little better with links.

Of course.

"What was your gut saying to you ?"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=589087

"Looking back, what's the dumbest thing you missed? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593390

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 6:05 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

I first became suspicious when he put a new passcode on his phone. Prior to that, I always had access to his phone. When I asked for the code, he would flip out every time, start an argument and tell me it was HIS phone and he could put a code on it if he wanted.

She didn't double-delete all of their texts from her Android phone.

When confronted with those texts, said "and you'll see we discussed baby names but it doesn't mean anything" not knowing that was not a message she left on the phone.

Couldn't remember her "truth" to save her life.

Told me that her friend Shelly said I was probably doing the same thing when I was on the road for work. At the time, this meant that I was finding women to sing duets in a choir with and going to movies until 3 am.

Showed a look of fear instead of disgust when I told her that I would never be able to kiss her if her mouth had ever touched his penis.

When she was going out to see a woman friend she hadn't seen in years and returned ten minutes later after I asked her to take a selfie together to prove she was where she said she was going to be.

Nothing that seemed obvious at the time. And the A lasted for about 8 months (around 13 years ago), and some low level of flirtation and grab ass continued in the intervening years until it finally smacked me in the face (got suspicious and read text messages).

And now it all seems so obvious. It seems like things I should have picked up on but didn't.

And so now I'll never trust her or anyone else again.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:53 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

In hindsight, mine was detaching from me and our family but the kicker is when he sent me a text meant for her...oops...

That brought it front and center.