SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a BH who divorced a WW, and pose this question to all waywards.

I had an affair because I was selfish and cared primarily about what I wanted. I also had an affair because I was a coward. I decided I wanted my ex back when the opportunity arose and I was too afraid of confrontation to be upfront with my husband and cut my losses honestly and with integrity. I had an affair instead of divorcing because I was a user: I kept my husband in the dark and thereby as a backup plan while I resumed my relationship with the OM. I had an affair because I did not care, at the time, about the morals I had been raised with and thought I wouldn't care about what anyone else would think if they knew.

Mine was an exit affair, because I did not have a spine to stand up to his abusive ass. I figured he'd call me a whore and leave. It did not work. It took growing a spine and twenty more years for me to accomplish that.

Because I'm an idiot. I don't even know why. I wasn't seeking to have one; at least that would make sense even if it was unethical and wrong. I guess the short answer is that I had an affair because I wasn't woman enough to say no. The long answer? I don't know. I ruined 10 years of marriage to a wonderful man for one unexpected tawdry afternoon, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. I am such a stupid, useless whore and a poor excuse for a mother and a wife who probably doesn't deserve to live.

Sorry to t/j. If my post needs to be removed/deleted I understand. I'm not trying to take away from the thread. It's just that this question slices so deeply tonight (and every night). I apologize.

"I had an affair because..." What answer could ever suffice? No matter the reason, there is no excuse. Yet it's important to know. If you can't figure out your because, your why, how can you fix it? You probably can't.

To second ASCL, there is no reason on earth that will ease the pain of the BS. It's one of those things we lie to ourselves about. Well I could live with it, move on, forgive, etc if I knew why. No, you'd still be in the same spot in the same pain.

I'm sorry :(

BS here,

No stop sign

(I rarely post in wayward side and I've never had the chance to say "BS here, no stop sign")

So, I will give you ladies a group hug!

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 8:27 PM, November 11th (Saturday)]

I had an affair because it was retaliation for my husband's suspected dalliances (which turned out to be true). I wanted secret revenge but I also wanted to boost my self esteem and feel like I'd leveled the playing field. Also, I admit I have a variety of tastes and sometimes I crave a different race or look.

I couldn't afford divorce and would have been stuck paying him a hefty parting gift since made more money at a job I totally hated (it was a job that drastically underpaid me in addition to all the stress, drama, and overtime; but still more than him). I literally would have ended up homeless and losing custody of my kids to my husband and in-laws if I had to pay out spousal support and child support in addition to paying all of my house bills on my own. We struggle enough with our two incomes put together. I was pretty much trapped. But I would feel like an idiot staying loyal to a cheater. Particularly since restraining myself from an affair would be deprivation to me and my rather slutty sexual needs. If he didn't hold back from seeking variety, why should I? People would say "remember your morals" but at the end of the day that means nothing because those are not MY morals. Don't tell me what my morals are; that's for me to decide. You do what works for your life, and I'll do what works for mine.

In the end, I wasn't remorseful or sorry. When my husband opened up and confessed what he did, I felt even more glad that I did not stay true to him. Before I cheated, my hurt and anger had much more to do with the technical sex act committed, than the deception and trust issues. I was fixated on the idea that he'd given another person something I was only giving to him. I literally felt insane. But after my affairs (ONSs), I felt ambivalent about the sex act itself and more strongly about the principle of being disrespected and deceived. I think the part that made me most upset was being deceived and lied to for so long. I was not a clueless blindsided BW but a suspicious, accusatory one who was shot down by my husband and everyone who knew my husband. Nobody gave me a "heads up" the way I've done for friends, or the way my friend's acquaintance did when she told his now-ex gf that he was cheating on her with a different girl. I had no support in this. Once I had extramarital sex (which was more than my husband had done), I didn't care about my husband getting a physical sex act itself, just the deception. why would I care?... it's not anything i haven't done. So my flings didn't totally erase the resentment and anger, but it calmed it down at least somewhat, and it erased the anger about one aspect, the sex act(s) itself.

Given how everyone (mutual friends,in laws,etc) was either clueless or liars about his flings--constantly refuting my fears and suspicions--my flings were my only confidence boost. So yeah, I guess you can say I was selfish, self preserving, and self fulfilling with an entitlement complex and a thirst for an ego boost.

Since, My husband has been more honest and realized he could actually lose me to someone else now. I think part of the issue was that he assumed I'd always be there for him, and always behaving myself. What I did kinda took that impression he had of me and shot it to smitherines. We get along better now after my affairs. He also sees my need for more adventurous sex in order to keep me from getting bored. I'm not sure I'm ready for monogamy though. There's too many rockstars and pro athletes I want to pursue before I die haha. My flings showed me that I am not really the monogamous type, that it was an act I put on because that's what I thought society wanted of me and that's what I thought was required to stay std free (wrong! You can be monogamous and still get an std if your partner cheats...which I've seen on here, but thankfully never experienced myself...and if you're straying, you're more likely to use protection...so nothing is a guarantee of anything) Thus, although I've had some positives arise from what I did, I know I'm also a selfish rebel.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 8:00 AM, November 12th (Sunday)]

I'd like to hear what any of the male waywards have to say! I want to understand my (f?)WH. He seems to be in a lot of pain, but why do it in the first place?

I was stupid, selfish and knew he would take me back each time. I was bored, felt like I was not getting support at home and didn't feel respected (I know, so have an affair that will ruin your self esteem and self respect in the long run, right?). I felt like I was just existing and couldn't get my ex to talk.

Same as ASCL, no excuses for having an affair. I was dumb and didn't pay attention to weeding and fertilizing my own lawn, so I let it grow weeds and fertilized other lawns with bullshit.

I was stupid, selfish and knew he would take me back each time. I was bored, felt like I was not getting support at home and didn't feel respected (I know, so have an affair that will ruin your self esteem and self respect in the long run, right?). I felt like I was just existing and couldn't get my ex to talk.

Same as ASCL, no excuses for having an affair.

You hit the nail on the head! I relate to all of this!!!

Like you, I (accurately) assumed he'd take me back. In a way I felt my affairs were a "necessary evil" because my shrewlike bitterness and constant accusatory character (accusatory even when it wasnt actually warranted) were ruining any chance of salvaging our marriage more than simply having a RA would be. I guess it's somewhat analogous to a surgery patient taking less-than-ideal prescription narcotics, because the benefits would still outweigh the pain if not taking them. I knew he'd be more forgiving of me getting even and fulfilling an itch than of me being a nasty unpleasant wife for the long run. I knew I'd have no closure and no desire to R whatsoever if I didn't feel even. But I also assumed he'd never leave.

Also like you, I felt disrespected and not having my needs met. In my case, the primary disrespect was his own cheatings. So maybe that's different in a way than basic disrespect. But we had other issues too, like him not cleaning the house enough or spending money on stupid stuff like video games. However. I admit that of I had to deal with the disrespect issues sans cheating, I wouldn't have felt compelled to cheat. Unless I was approached by Marilyn Manson or Barack Obama perhaps haha (I could only dream).

I think overall my reason for cheating could be summed up with a saying I tend to admittedly overuse, I'd rather be a dick than a doormat. Bad I know.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 8:12 AM, November 12th (Sunday)]

Im a BS and ask my WH this all the time. He tells me he does not know, or resorts to blameshifting etc. The reality is actually quite blunt, and too much to bear: They didn't love us. My WH claims that is not true, and then I ask him what his definition of love is. How can anyone do this to someone they profess to love?

I read this yesterday. It was from an article about what men do if they love you. It's the same for women if your wayward was a woman.

A real man recognizes when things are failing in a relationship without backing down. While any other guy would simply abandon ship or look for refuge by cheating, this special fella would fight to repair any and all damage to ensure the relationship survives for decades to come.

Part of me was so detached I didn't think he'd care and our marriage seemed over anyway.

I was an emotional basketcase, clinging to scraps and pieces of any life I could find and got vultured up. Probably could have filed harassment charges against ap at first - he was my boss, job authorities would have stepped in to protect me, but I got caught up in it, nurtured it and played along.

Frankly - for me - didn't have the backbone I needed to live the life I wanted. There no good reason for an affair.

BSs shouldn't put up with much for their partners once it's found out. But we all have our own lives to live so if you as a couple can negotiate that, good for you.

In general anymore I think once people get to the level of an affair - the relationship, marriage, whatever is over. And shud be IMHO.