SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you spoken to his girlfriend?

I haven’t. What good would that do?

^ Gove her the truth and put his ass in hot water. It's a quick way to figure out what type of affair this is. Just speeds up the process.

Agree, Marz.

Just curious if anyone dealt with an affair with a small child in the mix. Leaving my daughter is next to impossible for me to do. How did others work through this?

Me and it's hard. My son is 3.. He was 1 when the affair started, 2 when I caught it. It sucks. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Please just document everything you do for your kid and anything that might make her unfit should she get nasty. Our situation is 50/50 but even that is hard, I want my baby boy 100%.

Doing any kind of weak pick me dance is the worst thing you can do.

Brother, I am so, so sorry.

She also blind cc’d him on very personal emails about my daughter’s then upcoming birth and pregnancy complications

There aren't many reasons she would do this.

You need a paternity test.

Copies of those e-mails alone would probably be enough to get an ethics board convened. I'm sure he is smart enough to know that. Why would he take the risk?

I am sorry.

Strength

You tell his girlfriend for lots of reasons

1. It’s the right thing to do

2. At this point it’s essential for you to feel a sense of empowerment and this begins the time when you refuse to be on the defensive

3. You’re more likely to find out the real truth. You may be 100% set on divorce but you’d be shocked at how finding out more can improve the conviction in that process.

Exposing to OM's girlfriend isn't just revenge or just desserts -- since she's his high school sweetheart, there's an emotional investment and history there. If you can expose to her with evidence it may cause him to voluntarily cut contact with your wife in order to try and preserve the relationship with his girlfriend.

Comeoutahead,

People on this board see me as a pro-D, blunt type poster who doesn't hold back and part of that is true because of the nature of my profession, my betrayal over 20 years ago and the hardships I have had to face in my life but like ALL the other posters here, my intentions are always to help.

Some of what I will say has been said already but I wanted to reemphasize a few things.

First, kudos to the 4th post here by Lostmyreligion, one of the best posts I have read on this board. Listen to everyone's opinion. Absorb all of it and it looks like you are. Some people say take what you need and leave the rest but the biggest problem with that is that noone in your situation knows exactly what they need and they could change from R to D and back to R hour by hour. Getting out of infidelity is not an exact science so listen to all perspectives here.

A great poster, Crushed7, hit the nail on the head in his posts here.

A few preliminary points

1) Counseling is a waste with someone who is in the affair

2) DNA your child

3) Initiate a 180 and consider an in-house separation but also be prepared to call the police in getting OM removed if she tries to invite him over after doing this

4) It is not always the best to 'stay for the kids'. You could be destroying yourself by staying with someone who has no morals or compassion as evidenced by her affair so early in your marriage and the threatening of the family unit for her own cheating ways when your kid is only 16 months old. That is a special kind of 'fucked' up if you know what I mean.

Now, if I were you, I would do this

1) Open a new email address and create 6 emails and save on draft. This way, your notes will always be accessible but not saved on your computer. The 6 topics will be

Divorce

Separation

Ethics

Exposure

Finances

180

2) You need to attack on all 6 fronts simultaneously

Let's address each topic

Divorce. You say you tried this and it didn't work. You didn't try it, you threatened it and she now doesn't believe you will do it. Hard, cold papers in her hands by next week. See if your attorney can't draw them up by next Thursday and have her served Friday or served the day she gets another job. Because you forced her hand to quit the other job, she may be in a position to ask for alimony. Make sure she gets another job fast. However, you have not tried divorce yet. Hard filing. Chart your progress in your email drafts.

Separation. In house. Check the laws but do not leave the house. Change bedrooms, get a lock on your door and stand your ground. Also, get a VAR and carry it on you because you can't trust her at this point. Stop the counseling.

Ethics. Your attorney is all over the ethics issue. Good. Make sure you have the evidence. Create 5 batches of evidence. One for you, one for the attorney, one to hide in a location away from the house and one for the ethics board and finally one when you expose to scumbag's long term girlfriend. Make sure you file and do so through your attorney. Ethics boards will take it more seriously if it comes from a good attorney

Exposure. You must expose to the scumbag's long term girlfriend. As another poster said, he has a connection to her and she may be the AP of his last wife. He is not going to dump his girlfriend for your wife. Put yourself inside this guy's head. he is a predator. All you wife is to him is another conquest and your child to Mr. Scumbag is 'baggage'. He doesn't want to help raise a 16 month old who is not his. That would require work, receiving less attention and responsibility. He also knows your wife is a cheat and he will not hunker down in a long relationship with an adulterer. So the second you expose to his G/F, she will hand him his ass. Doesn't mean she will get rid of him due to income. Maybe she will. But he will surely drop your wife to save that relationship unless they are open relationship type people. However, expose on the same day you have your wife served the papers. Your wife will surely go to him for advice and he will be freaking out over his relationship with his girlfriend. Your wife will lose her 'two' men on the same day. Expect her to come back to you in a state of panic. You have gained control of the situation. That doesn't mean you will want her back. I wouldn't but at least you control the cards again.

Financial. This is a big one. There's going to be cost involved however in the end, it's well worth it. Take how much you think you will need to spend and double it, then try to find a way to raise/borrow such monies. You must do this and track it.

180. Someone already posted the link on this thread for it. Implement, while I know it's a long list, emphasize the most important parts of it. The 180 is for you to heal but sometimes it can be seen as revenge and I have no problems with revenge either. These people need to be attacked so they will learn from their predatory ways.

Again, keep notes and check your progress in each area and at some point, you will come out ahead.

I believe your wife has had an intense, long term affair with this dirtball and has lied to you about it. Time for you to put this fire out by all means possible

If you do expose to the girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, make sure you do so with concrete proof. Otherwise it's just going to be he said/she said and you'll find people are inclined to believe the cheaters in those cases because they can give Oscarworthy performances when it comes to lying. Otherwise I wouldn't.

And it doesn't really sound like you "tried" divorce. You proposed a separation which she threw in your face and you talked to a lawyer. That sounds about it unless I missed something.

You need to have her served with divorce papers at work. No warning. No threats. No ultimatums. Just have her served. Also start the 180, you can read about it in the healing library if you haven't yet.

Also affairs thrive in secrecy. That's one of the aspects of it that can be so addicting for cheaters. Shining the light on the affair for all to see makes it WAAAAYYY less appealing for the affair partners if done right.

And ask yourself, if the girlfriend knew her boyfriend was cheating with your wife and you didn't, wouldn't you want her to tell you???

[This message edited by JS84 at 8:35 AM, November 25th (Saturday)]

Now my wife cooks, cleans and does things should have been doing these passed two years. We also carpool to/from work about twice a week and the wife is home about 15 minutes after me so there’s little daddy/daughter time. Anyhow, I don’t want to not see my daughter everyday.

A bit off topic, but your wife works TOO, just like you. In fact, she gets home a bit LATER than you.

Why is your wife the only one expected to do all the housecleaning and cooking when you both work full-time?

NoMercy: I’m all for dividing up household chores and each person their part.

My point was she did nothing around the house, apart from the weekly laundry, when the affair was going on. It wasn’t a partnership but more like having a lazy room mate who’d eat your food and leave a mess in her wake. We both work 45 minutes away. In fact, she was home later/left for work early because she was with him. She took advantage of the situation and I stupidly let it happen.

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 8:13 AM, November 26th (Sunday)]

some people agenda jump in front of the common sense

[This message edited by Western at 3:51 PM, November 26th (Sunday)]

Turns out we all are correct. AP was with WS over lunch today. No hard evidence. But he was at the same place as her.

Why do they do this? Found out but affair continues. Particularly disturbing is the time spent at counselling. I decided to not go anymore.

*Sending hugs your way*

I’m going to get straight to the point:

Start the 180 now

Contact a divorce lawyer to find out your rights & protect yourself

DNA the kid. Your wife is a liar & you truly don’t know how long she’s been cheating on you.

EXPOSE them & inform his GF

Report her & the OM to HR. Also report him to the local BAR association

Take care of yourself and focus on YOU

Being betrayed hurts and we’re all giving you this advice so you can protect yourself from further harm from her. Right now she DOESNT give a damn about you. Harsh, but true & exactly why you need to take the necessary steps to protect yourself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but now is not the time to do the “pick me” dance. Delaying to take action allows her and the POS OM to continue to violate you.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 11:44 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

This is the big reason why you expose. He’s presumably still with his girlfriend. Wouldn’t it be useful to have an ally on his end watching his every move? If there is even kind of a chance of R you really kinda need this tool in your tool chest.

I agree this is just a case of simple D at this point, though I do not mean to diminish the impact that it will have on you mentally.

Sharkman makes an important point, and I would add that there's much more to it than just having an ally.

- Health reason (both private and public) . . . people who have been with him, or been with anyone who's been with him, should get checked for STD's. This is a primary reason.

- You probably would want to be told if the shoe were on the other foot.

- Affairs tend to wither in the light. NOT telling puts you in a position of enabling the affair to some extent.

There's also a caveat. When you expose, do not expect immediate thanks and a friendly alliance. Hopefully it works that way, but it may not. An ally in getting out of infidelity is really good and extra effective, but when you impart bad news, you may sometimes get denial and even sometimes anger. So hope for a good response - but don't count on it (initially at least). Honestly, in my opinion, health and just plain decency are also important reasons for exposure just by themselves. Having an ally, now or perhaps later, will definitely help you out as well.

[This message edited by c24j at 7:04 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Come on...

What self respecting man continues to put up with behavior like this from his wife? I get that you've been blindsided and upset, but come on man.

If this is in fact a real person, DNA your kid. I'd say there's a great chance you aren't the dad. You can unattach from the baby before you're stuck paying child support for someone else's kid.

See an attorney, like yesterday.

Leave the house. You aren't going to be brought up for "abandonment" if the kid isn't yours. She wouldn't be CC'ing him in pregnancy messages if she wasn't at least concerned it was his.

Start going to the gym, separate finances, and utterly DESTROY this POSOM. Report him to whatever board you need to and get him fired. Expose to his GF. Gonna be hard for him to deny when she finds out he's a daddy.

Stop worrying about where she goes and who she does. She's not yours anymore. She has killed your marriage. Go find a new one. Stop engaging with her. Go find some Hobbies. Focus on you.

Complete 180 here and go see a therapist. If the kid is yours, focus on being the best dad you can be. Don't worry about trying to stay with this woman. This ship has sailed bro.

[This message edited by Coach1984 at 7:15 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Comeout

What is the status of expoexposure ?

Have u started the 180 ?

Seen an attorney ?

Just a quick update. Finally got hold of AP’s girlfriend. Gave her the evidence. She confronted him. He confessed. She suspected the affair, too. He lied to her when questioned in the past. She tried to kick him out tonight. He won’t leave.

Reached out to the law firm. No word back yet. Told my attorney to hit the bastard hard.

“Wife” has been confessing to everyone who will listen. Her family is firmly on my side now. Her mom would testify that her daughter is a pathological liar. Her brother wants to shun her even more.

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 9:01 PM, November 29th (Wednesday)]

Tough love is your only way out.

It works.

If they have any contact the affair never ends.

I hope you take this to heart.

Or she'll continue to walk all over you.