SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tell her she can go live with the OM.

just leave you and your child alone.

Has she been tested for stds?

She is still in the A.

She is an addict.

the OM is her drug. Push for a timeline and D.

Test your child for DNA. Have her pay for it.

ComeOut

Excellent job exposing and taking control.

What are you hearing from your WW? Do you know if AP has stayed In communication with her or gone NC?

Stay in touch with the OBS to share notes with each other during this process. Knowledge is strength.

What are your goals now? Proceeding with D?

Make sure you are looking after yourself, health wise and also thru possible Individual counseling.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:42 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

You're doing great under tough circumstances.

I just want to mention that it's nice that her own family is on your side. Please just be careful and be aware of the fact that that may well change. Blood is thicker than water they say, and my experience has certainly been exactly that. My XWW had dozens of affairs while I was the devoted husband and dreamy SIL and BIL but after getting initial support it all went poof into thin air. They believed who knows what lies she told and I basically got cut off from her family for years.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:25 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Sounds like you are taking control of things. That's great. Keep it up and keep focusing on what you want.

Just a quick update. Since telling the AP’s partner, I stopped going to counselling and have been sleeping on the couch, which is actually really nice.

My WW did d the whole “truth thing” and claims to finally to have come clean with everything. She says the last time she saw him was to discuss our house purchase (he’s the attorney who did the closing) and she told him to never contact her again. I doubt the second part since I’ve heard it all before. The meeting was at a Starbucks so unlikely anything but talking happened.

Anyhow, I returned to counselling with WW today and feel she’s truing but still trying to make herself out to be the victim.

One question I have is: How do other BSs know when the WW is genuine and really trying to make things right? I’m not convinced and fear she playing me for a fool.

Can a relationship survive an affair and lies?

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 6:01 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

One question I have is: How do other BSs know when the WW is genuine and really trying to make things right?

When the WS takes full responsibility for the A, stops lying, starts working hard on themselves and figuring out why they did this, and starts putting the BS first. They acknowledge the BS's pain and suffering that they caused and make moves to fix it. If she's playing the victim, she's not remorseful. If she's lying, she not remorseful.

Can a relationship survive an affair and lies?

Only if the WS is remorseful and does the hard work of fixing themselves to ensure this won't happen again. Your WS is not doing that. You have 2 choices: You can lay out your requirements for R. This can be requiring her to read certain books (Not Just Friends, How to Help Your Spouse Heal, etc.), go to IC, take and pass a polygraph, go to MC, take full responsibility, or anything you think would demonstrate that she is doing the work. Or you could go ahead and file for D. Even if you file for D, she may still come around and you can stop it.

How is the process going in getting the POS disbarred? If he gets away with what he has done then he will likely do it again. He needs the earth he stands on scorched.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." ----Edmund Burke---

Don't let him get away with what he has done. I do wish you well.

Personally reached out to the head of the firm...crickets.

Have a letter drafted and being reviewed. Legal process is slow. I’m going to send the letter in a week or so if my attorney doesn’t. If that fails, the disciplinary board is next.

Don’t worry. This guy will be nailed.

Comeoutahead,

Do you know the content of her confession to her family? I ask because you said in your joint counseling (is that Marriage Counseling?) she was playing a victim card. The reaction from her family might tell you she was forthcoming. Her history is one of lying, trickle truth and minimizing. Would that change when confessing to her family? The content of her confession would be an indicator of how much she is owning what she did. Your comment about her mother saying your W is a pathological liar is telling. I can't envision her being forthcoming in her confession based on what you have told us.

Who instigated the confessions? Did you make it a requirement? Did you say if she didn't do it, you would?

Stay strong, keep posting.

She is still acting like the victim, so she is not really taking responsibility for her actions...she is NOT a viable candidate for real R!!!

If you rugsweep this you are setting yourself up to fail and experience it all over again in the future...ask me how I know!

Timelessloss,

You’re spot on about the trickle truth, etc.

As for the confession, it was to my aunt, who has been in the know about everything for a long time. WW confessed to her on her own accord. No promoting by me. Everything she told my aunt and me seem to match up. So all that is reassuming.

I may be reading too much into it now but the other night the WW mentioned she knew my aunt knew for a while now. Neither my aunt, nor I told her that My aunt was in the know. Maybe WW confessed to save face, put her side out there? I don’t know. Again. I may be thinking too much into it/wanting her to fail. Thoughts?

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 9:00 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

In her confession to your aunt, by the stories matching up, do you mean she told your aunt how she was the victim also? Her narrative about the A is very indicative about whether or not R is real. If she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, she isn't going to change anything. Why would she? She wasn't wrong in her actions, it was someone else's fault. This is a recipe for disaster and repeat affairs.

How do you know your WW is genuine? Her actions will tell you that she is remorseful, trying to help you heal, making you feel safe. If none of those things are happening, then you know it is not real.

Tigersrule77

The stories match up as in the timeline matches up. She has apparently shown remorse to my aunt. I see remorse now and again but only when it’s brought up by me that I don’t see it. If that makes sense.

WW seems more interested in the process than actually doing work. She sees a goal, which is R, or so she says, and is interested in the process to get there. Like she thinks there’s a one-size-fits-all fix. IDK. I keep thinking if it were me who had Be affair, I’d be begging her to keep me around and doing anything it make it work.

WW seems more interested in the process than actually doing work. She sees a goal, which is R, or so she says, and is interested in the process to get there.

This is what I call the "paint by number approach". Paint the areas coded 3 with red paint. Areas coded 2 get green, etc.. Yeah, you get a "painting" but it looks like an image that has too few pixels, so it looks fake.

Reading the pieces about her confessing to your aunt make me think it was purely based on self interest. I wouldn't have it rent too much space in your brain at this point.

Blunt time...

Have you had a dna test on your child?

Just answer that...

Long Gone:

Yeah. She’s mine, thank god.

Long Gone:

Yeah. She’s mine, thank god.

So it looks like you are considering R. What have you asked her to do and what has she done on her own to earn your trust back? Has she given you total transparisy? Access to phones and computers and her word that their are no "other" accounts? Consider running Dr. Phone on these when you have them.

Has she written out a timeline for the Affair (can be used with your legal process).

Would she testify about the Affair? This would prove to me she did not plan to ever see him again.

Has she read books on how to heal your marriage after an affair?

What has she done, not said to prove that she is remorseful?

Freeme:

I gave her a list of things that must happen.they range from total access/truth to her getting a new job ASAP as the affair was through work.

On that front, I have access to all her devises, minus her work desktop. I am apprehensive as she admitted to him calling her desk phone and she can easily have an email/other account she only uses at work.

I believe she being transparent but again, I’m cautious considering her past. And the AP’s advise he gave her, such as how to go underground. Someone had mentioned he’s a pro at this stuff. I fully believe he is and this was not his first affair.

She has written a timeline but it needs updated as contacted continued. She has told me the times they had met over lunch since I found out.

She will testify about the affair and is on board with hitting him hard.

She has read a couple books on how to heal and got another book today.

She has A LOT to do to actually show remorse. I question her remorse since I just don’t see it. She has opened up about things, though. I don’t know. Some days I see it. Others I don’t.

How do I know her remorse is legit?