SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay, so I’m 3+ months out from d-day.

It’s been very up and down but we’re having MC which is going well.

WS is doing everything that I could expect and more. Took full responsibility, remorseful, making an effort with me, with kids. Has changed job, is home on time, not working on laptop in evenings which is a huge change for him, is hyper aware of the slightest change in my mood and trying to help me deal with this. I have full access to all his accounts-email and bank.

He’s bending over backwards to help repair what he broke.

We’re working hard on recovery and reconciliation.

We’ve had his birthday and our wedding anniversary since d-day and I didn’t give him anything-it was too raw and I didn’t want to. He understood and didn’t want/expect anything.

Now Christmas is looming. I don’t want to go and buy a big expensive gift but I would like to give him something small to acknowledge the effort that he’s making(and yes, I do realise why he is having to make the effort and that it’s his fault that we’re here but I’ve read so many stories here where WS were remorseless and cruel so I want to make some small acknowledgment)

Any ideas what I could do/get would be gratefully received.

The other thing is that the kids will notice if he is the only one with no gifts on Christmas morning.

Thanks in advance.

take the kids out shopping for gifts for him?

Do as us divorced folks do. Give your kid 20 bucks and let them find a gift. My daughter got her nerf guns for the first Xmas. Imagining X getting pelted with nerf bullets gave me unending pleasure during the holidays. Since that sick pleasure wore off eventually and my kid doesn't have a clue what to get her this year, I just had her tell us what she wants. If she doesn't then shes getting more nerf guns.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 7:46 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

my H and I are in R....his xmas gift this year is a rechargeable electric toothbrush. hes jealous of mine. that's it. and I think it was nice of me to do that. I didn't celebrate his bday or our anniversary since dday. but like other posters said, would be nice to let your kids buy for him.

Thanks for the replies. Looking like a shopping trip with the kids is in order

Get a voucher for an experience he'd really hate. Afraid of heights? Try skydiving. Fear of sharks? You're going swimming with them. I'm sure you get the idea.

Or just something really naff. Like socks.

I'm giving my WH the gift of agreeing to try to work on R. Not sure how to wrap it yet - also its the same gift for his birthday (in December), Xmas, and our next anniversary. Regifting at its finest!

Mine is getting new boxers. Had to throw a bunch away last year as they had OW smut on them. Last year, he got nothing.

A tie is always a great gift for a FWW.

Be sure to demonstrate the Windsor knot you learned just for him. Extra snug.

Books that you want to read anyway! :)

My kids get me and their dad presents on their own. They expect everyone to get presents from everyone. Last year I was about 4 months out at Xmas. My husband didn't get anything lavish at all. Small useful things. He cooks a lot for all of us so I got him tools so he could better do that. Stuff like that.

A nice, heartfelt card that acknowledges:

He’s bending over backwards to help repair what he broke.

We’re working hard on recovery and reconciliation.

If you're up to it, perhaps a bottle of his favorite wine or special treat would also be a nice thought.

Last year I did nothing. Same as he's done for my birthday and our anniversary two years in a row.

This year I actually got him something he really wants. I got an amazing price. And if I have a bunch more heartache between now and Christmas, I'll burn it and give him a box of ashes.

Mine is getting new boxers. Had to throw a bunch away last year as they had OW smut on them. Last year, he got nothing.

This is awesome. I also had to buy all new boxers. More than once. The first time, I burned them. The last time, I donated them to a homeless shelter.

If there's ever a next time, they'll go to the homeless shelter and I'll replace them with nothing. He can just go commando.

I agree with hopefulkate--is there anything he'd want that you'd benefit from, too? What about a "date" experience for the both of you? This way you can get the message across that he owes you, but you want to spend time with him?

Gifts mean different things for different people.

It didn't bother me go get gifts for my husband after the affair, and I really need to think on why.

I had a harder time doing the things I felt worn out doing for him for years. Laundry, bills, filing (I hate filing with a passion), and dealing with his family's rudeness. I stopped doing those for a good couple of years. And his family is on extreme limits with me now. THANK GOODNESS!

But gift giving didn't seem to be affected as much as those areas. Even during the affair, my husband gave me very nice gifts. Probably more than usual? Strange logic there, I know.I gave him gifts too. But I think gifts are not our love language...it is just a tradition we fulfill at the times.

I have a friend whose husband betrayed her, and he was not good about gifts. Still wasn't after the affair. Gifts are a touchy subject for them. She admitted to me that gifts mean a lot to her.

So...this may be very individual.

Anyway, suggestion: Times change, finances change, needs change, gift giving approaches change. So can your reasons and ways.

One idea...

You two could ask your kids if they have a favorite charity - and the amount that you two would have spent on each other, give to their charity, but still give them their gifts from the two of you. They are kids.

For them to see the two of you give to a charity they value could be a way to take the attention off the no gift to each other. Teach a beautiful way to give. Bring their minds toward charities. AND that you do it together will keep them from being afraid that mom and dad can't figure out how to do some things together, even for family memories.

If they are too young, the two of you can agree on a charity and tell them about it Christmas morning. Write it out, put it in the envelope. Bring it to a mail drop together.

No matter if your marriage reconciliation makes it or not, anything you can pleasantly do together, demonstrates to the kids that they are still loved, you are still their parents, and some things can always be done together for their sake.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 8:47 PM, November 29th (Wednesday)]

Thanks so much everyone. I’ve been agonizing about this and you’ve given me some very good suggestions. The kids are oblivious to everything that’s going on (thankfully) so just want to maintain the normalcy for them and as I said, make a small acknowledgment of the effort that WS is making. If he wasn’t in this 100% as he is-I’d have walked by now