SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, Casey, your mom is awesome! So glad you have someone like her to support you through this nightmare.

As far as being the nice guy, please be vigilant. Your WW has gotten ugly already, she has lied and deceived. She has a lawyer. Do not trust her. At all.

I'm a bit confused as to why her attorney would call you directly. Seems a bit odd?

Understand cheaters lie and lie and lie and lie. Just a word of caution, she may be getting her ducks in a row while she takes you to the cleaners. Be careful, very careful.

I agree that a phone call from an attorney on a Saturday seems unlikely, but you can't just blow that off. If she has retained an attorney you would be a fool to try to go it alone. If she has a pro who is not emotionally involved with the situation handling it for her you need the same.

Great. Now we know your selected path.

You want to divorce and move on.

There are some funky factors in your story:

An attorney that phones on a Saturday is strange enough, but even an attorney that phones in a threat like the one you got is even stranger… Attorneys want things in writing, even warnings. I guess this attorney is a friend of a friend of your wife. To me this action diminishes this attorney’s role as a threat.

I also find it strange that this attorney takes the threat to your WW job seriously. I take it you are accepting the advice offered on this site and have spent at least 10 minutes researching if her infidelity threatens her job. Once again, making me question the attorney’s ability.

Then there is the point that you talked to the OM ex GF and a couple of hours later your WW knows you had been in contact with her. Where does the loop close? Is ex GF still in contact with OM?

I think your fear of involving attorneys is misplaced. This is too serious to let amateurs handle it.

What if OM and WW hit it off? What if OM comes back from deployment and is based in Florida? What if WW insists on taking DD there for a couple of months? What if you are offered you are offered a job in another city or state? A structured and well-though divorce and custody agreement would deal with all these issues. What you can do is do as much homework as possible yourself, but have an attorney finalize all things. This minimize the costs, but prevents future loopholes.

You don’t need to expose as much as before. Let those that ask to know why you are divorcing, but right now the goal is to get out of the marriage in the best way possible. Further exposure doesn’t serve any positive purpose. Divorce isn’t a competition where you get points for being right. Nobody wins and there is no high-score.

It’s all about results.

There is no need to like your wife and you two do not have to be friends to be good co-parents. With time emotions will smooth out, but for NOW your very best bet is detachment and allowing her actions to impact you as little as possible. Moving on to a new, happy life will be the best revenge you can get.

I agree with everyone else on here that something is rotten.

*DO NOT* take the threat of her having an attorney lightly. As i suggested to a friend the other day, you need a bulldog on your side.

Whether she has an attorney or not is irrelevant. She's opened the can of worms. You need protection.

You've done an outstanding job so far, but use the anger you have toward her to stay in the drivers seat.

She won't fight fair. She has proven to be a liar and a cheater. She's shown you who she is. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:11 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

1) it is in your interest to pursue the AP whether or not you prevail. You making him miserable itself has value. “You can beat the rap but you can’t beat the ride.” Give him a good ride.

2) As you want to divorce, leave your WW’s career alone or you will pay increased spousal support. It is in YOUR interest to not rock the boat.

3) The “attorney’s” call was not credible—and the proper response would have been to laugh. But her concern means that she will soon likely find an actual attorney. Which means you need to do so yourself even if you’ve already passed the bar. You need a good family law attorney who knows the local judges and how things work. Custody of your daughter is at stake.

1) it is in your interest to pursue the AP whether or not you prevail. You making him miserable itself has value. “You can beat the rap but you can’t beat the ride.” Give him a good ride.

How?

Will it lead to a better divorce settlement?

Will it lower possible spousal support?

Will it gain more equity in the assets?

Will it get a better child-custody settlement?

How will OM possibly being miserable in his deployment give Casey any advantage?

This advice is possibly the worst I have heard on this thread. I would greatly appreciate an explanation.

Who knows who the phone call was actually from? Could be the OM, or one of his buddies. Or an actual lawyer.

You should retain one in order to protect yourself and your DD. Don't bring a knife to a gun fight, or worse, nothing at all.

Casey is going to need an attorney anyway, whether it's to review a divorce settlement or over custody issues which most of the time arises.

I would get one 'in the know' asap. Even if not immediately retained, it opens the door some.

Sure the attorney's call could have been someone posing as one who is not but I actually know civil attorneys who work on occasional weekends. I would operate under the worst case scenario in that she has one but it is really irrelevant to an extent because you will need one in some capacity anyway, especially with her erratic behavior. So you should start to look for one and at the minimum get a consult.

Did you copy the name and phone number of the caller ? Did you google it and verify yourself, Casey ?

Bigger: My response is predicated on two things. First, I believe in retribution for immorality to the extent that the aggrieved can do so without personal consequence (betrayeds should not assault or libel/slander, etc.). Second, I believe that it is helpful for a man’s self-esteem, masculinity and healing to punish the AP. Although this is specific to each betrayed husband individually. You are focusing on practical matters exclusively, but I think retribution is itself a valuable end. You are probably a lot more laid back than me! But I think good cops often are very practical.

[This message edited by PlanC at 8:55 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

Now regardless oof whether it is a false call or not continue to play/pretend the mediation mode with WW while you are working with a lawyer. Her unprofessional/immoral actions while being a teacher may help you in custody case. Hope you have been documenting everything like her going to the army base. I also hope you have the energy/time left (considering all that is happening) to make sure POS getting his due from the army and also to encourage his XGF to go after him

[This message edited by goalong at 9:22 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

@Bigger- Bless your sweet, logical, and wise heart! Not only does your guidance speak from a place of experience, protection for Casey’s best interest, and just plain logic, you take the extra time to point out the weaknesses of opposing sides and ask for clarification, evidence and rethinking of those areas of advice that may not result in the best outcome in the long run. Bravo to you! This is exactly how I know my Son, Casey is in good hands in SI. I saw previously in the thread someone say this place is a forum where the BS can “take what he needs, and leave the rest”. I want to thank each and every person that has put time and energy into helping Casey. I’m confident he will sort it out thoughtfully, and with careful consideration, thanks to having these thought provoking advices). Casey, I know how hard you’ve worked and how much you hate to spend money, but I am strongly feeling that you need to lawyer up with the best, most experienced lawyer money can buy. Consider it your most important investment, for now. You are young and have just tipped the iceberg on your earning potential. What you spend now on protecting yourself and your DD, my granddaughter, is all that makes sense. As for the energy to torch her and her AP, let’s stick to the plan and do that later, once you and DD are secured to the best outcome possible and I’m so sorry that’s going to cost you. You don’t deserve ANY of this and bad things keep happening to good people, we just can’t let it ruin the true meaning of life. Lawyer Up Buddy! That’s my vote!

Glad you've decided to ax the deadwood.

And, get a lawyer. There's credence to the old saw, "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client."

@ PlanC

Thank you too and I appreciate your rebuttal. These points you touch on are equally important in the overall picture and all of the areas you touch on are very important to Casey and our family. We believe in consequences, accountability and everything that you touch on. It’s my hope that we just put them all in the best order to get the optimum result with the minimum wreckage to him. You guys all rock!

Casey, I know you must be overwhelmed with your to do list but I gotta hold you accountable here to one thing you said you were going to do. Did you get the VAR to protect yourself? I’m fearful that this is getting exponentionally more and more ugly and She is capable of anything. And did you “out” her to her Parents? So so important as they are going to be her bank account on the one hand but they are so devastated to what she has done to all of our DD. Point out that giving her money is only going to fund her “run-of-the mill gigolo” and his wrecked exes that still live in his house and help take care of his debt and kids. Your STBXW is getting next in line for that and make sure that your soon to be ex in laws know that. Dad and I are behind you with $$$ too. We got your back in every way

[This message edited by ConcernedParent at 10:36 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

Sound advice from many. I just wanted to reiterate, you need an attorney, especially for the custody piece. What happens if OM is moved several states away by the military? With no iron clad custody agreement in place, FWW could take DD with her. You could file to block the move, etc, and eventually it is very likely a judge would order DD back to your current state, but that could take weeks or months. MONTHS. It’s clear from your posts how much your little girl means to you, and so having an attorney is really in her best interests. Your FWW cannot be trusted to do what’s in her child’s best interests (as evidenced by affair), so you must. Same for division of assets. If your FWW moves in with/marries the AP, they’ll have a 2 income household versus your 1. Take what is fairly yours in this divorce. Put it aside for DD. My therapist says many BSs settle for less than they deserve in divorces involving infidelity, and end up so, so angry a few years later. I don’t want that to be you!

Take care of yourself and your DD. You got this.

I mean Casey is already in contact with the Army unit commander. So all he has to do is periodically contact/ask him reagrding the progress. It does not cost Casey any money or time. Beside if the POS is on the lose he has all the time/energy/freedom/feeling of invulnerability to go after Casey's interests via further influencing pos WW. where Do you think this steadfastness in WW's actions coming from?

[This message edited by goalong at 10:04 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

I agree with those who say posom should suffer immediate consequences.

Consequences for your stbxw will come in spades when Don Juan cast her aside for yet another gullible 'soul mate'.

I think it was already suggested, but a VAR (voice activated recorder) on your person whenever you have contact with STBX would be a wise investment. She sounds like she is one more bad decision from something like a false DV or child abuse charge.

I would also expect any cease and desist order would have to be in writing.

Is it normal for a lawyer to call and inform you they are representing the opposing side, much less on a Saturday. Sounds sketchy.

The best revenge is living well. Do not win battles, win wars.

She is in the fog, use it against her. People will see the truth soon enough. OM has done this before, he will do it again.

Get an attorney and file to protect you, your child and your rights.

You are a good man with a great family. You will be fine. You will find that special woman who will serve as the role model for you child.

My conclusion after 2 years of analysis and planning, and I'm pretty smart:

There is no way to punish one's WS without losing something yourself.

And my conclusion agrees with Bigger, who knows more than I do about this stuff. (Boy, I remember him when he was even Biggger.... )

Look, D is hard. Writing a financial settlement and parenting plan is very detailed and very difficult, since there are thousands of ways to screw you STBX partner, and thousands of ways to get screwed.

Get a good D lawyer. Instead of spending energy on revenge, you're better off spending it on your financial settlement and parenting plans.

Taking action against the om wastes your time an energy, and it will waste even more if he retaliates, and you retaliate, and he retaliates.... The best revenge is living well.

If you're having trouble with your sense of masculinity, the solution is entirely internal. I suggest you figure out what being a man is for you, and be that man.

Hint: Being a man doesn't involve owning one's W. It does not involve fearing that other men are better in bed than you, because it's almost certain some are and some aren't. It does not involve thinking your W cheated because of something you did or did not do. And it doesn't involve doing a pick-me dance by being nastier than the om.

I agree the om is a POS, but the path to recovery lies in understanding that your W cheated you; he didn't. Your W made vows to you; he didn't. Really, he was just a breathing sex toy, and he's irrelevant to your healing.

JMO